University of Virginia Library

The East Speaks

I feel I must write you a letter.
I am only in this country two
months and I don't write American
too well. I hope it does not
violate the honor pledge but I
had help writing this letter. A nice
man named Edgar helped me write
it this night, Tuesday April first,
in Newcomb Hall Grill. Although
he was full of help I do not think
he was well because he kept muttering
about going to Saint
Anthony.

The reason I feel I must write
you. This night, Tuesday April
first, I had nothing to study since
that I just got back from spring
vacationing in Farmville. I picked
up a copy of your Cavalier Weakly
to learn what action was on campus.
Since I live in Humphrey
house I thought it only polite to
go to the Humphrey lecture in
Newcomb Hall cloak room. After
too much waiting a Mister Buckley
and Mister Tullock decided
Mister Hubert would not be coming
and went home. Good fortune
for me a Miss Penelope Charisma
was there with a sleeping bag for
there are no chairs in the cloak
room. I am sorry my dormitory
owner did not come but Miss
Charisma showed me how to have
fun without intellectual activity.

On the way to Miss Charisma's
home in carrel 720 of Alderman
Library, we lighted up some marijuana
cigar only to be set upon
by Agent Bromwell of Unipol.
As he waved his gun in the air I
said shoot us not. Put down your
gun! He said I can not put it
down-the candy will fall out of
the barrel. I said make love not
violence. It was then Miss
Charisma spoke out, quoting from
King Arthur by saying once a
knight is enough. I went off to
jail some hours later when my
Sears Auto Club would not cover
bail for me.

I was thrown out of school
this night. I do so like Charlottesville
but since ex-students can not
stay in Charlottesville I will be
transferred to the Federal Penitentiary
in Lewisburg, Penn. Until
my visa runs out. My complaint
is since that I am new to
America I did not know what
April first was, although I think
today should be April second since
Monday was also April first. Any
way next year please print one of
your ordinarily drab issues for
all foreign students and a fool's
version for Americans.