 | XXI. Ekkoes from Kentucky |  |
21. XXI.
A Vision of the Next World. — Mr. Nasby (in a
Dream) is present in the Lower Regions during
the Consideration of Mr. Greeley's Case.
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
June 1, 1867.
THE Corners wuz in a most pleasant frame uv
mind last Friday nite. So important a event
ez the release uv our saintid Davis cood not be
allowed to go by without commemoratin, and we
accordingly commemoratid. The rejoicins wuz held
at the Church, tho they commenst at Bascom's.
Ez the heftiest part uv the rejoicin hed bin done at
Bascom's, taperin off, ez I may say, at the Church,
the speeches were very short, ef not to the pint.
When, how, or wher it adjourned, I know not. I
wandered orf into the realms uv Morphus in the
middle uv Deekin Pogram's sekondly, and afore I
got back I hed taken a rather long journey.
I dreamed a very curis dream. Methawt I wuz
in the regions that are populerly supposed to lay
below us. Onto his burnin throne sot Lucifer a
reading the Noo York Triboon, with the most
puzzled expression onto his face I ever witnest.
Laying it down with a sigh, ez tho he hed gone
bumpin onto a stunner wich he cood not comprehend,
he remarkt, sadly, “To biznis!” and demandid
uv his book-keeper the sitooashen of things.
Reports were read to him, wich, in the main,
pleased him. A shade uv sadniss becloudid his
classikle countenance ez the statement that Napoleon
and Bizmark hed made up, but his face illuminatid
serenely ez it was statid that the Christian nashens
hed decidid to let the Turks go on a butcherin the
Cretans, wich wuz replaced with a frown agin when
he wuz informed that there wuz a prospeck uv the
English common people gettin a vote. After goin
thro the rest uv the world, the United States
come in.
“Kentucky,” sed the book-keeper, lookin over a
bundle uv fresh reports, “is all rite. Helm is
electid Governor by a whackin majority, and
McKee and Rice is defeetid.”
“Good!” sed he, fetching his tail down in a
ecstasy uv joy. “The next time I swing around
well for me with so little uv my assistance. I alluz
like to visit Kentucky. Noo York city is ruther
pleasant, tho it's so near like my own place that I
don't enjoy it much when I'm there. I don't feel
ez tho I'm away from home a visitin. But Kentucky
I love — the people reely charm me. But
go on, wat next?”
“Jeff'son Davis hez bin liberatid by Horris Greeley
becomin his bale. This balein by Greeley, the
reporter stashened at Washington considers a most
momenchus event, and a most happy okkurrence
for yoor majesty.”
“That reporter 's a ass, and don't know the
secret springs wich actooate men. Recall him to-wunst
for making sich a foolish remark.”
“But,” sed the Sekretary, who seemed to me to
be a imp uv some consekence, to be permitted to
argoo with Lucifer hisself, “I consider it uv importance.
Did yoo wish Jeff'son Davis to die in
prizen?”
“Ef yoo wuzn't uv desided yoose to me, hevin
bin a Noo York Alderman, I'd redoose yoo. Want
Jeff'son Davis to die? Not I. I'm not the yooth
wot killed the goose wot laid the golden egg.
He's bin the best recrootin lootenant I ever hed.
he hez anythin to do with, and he turns em all
to'ard me. He rooined Polk, he swampt Pierce,
he sedoost Bookannon, he dazzled Johnson, and he
hez now caught Horris Greeley. But ther wuzn't
any danger uv his dyin in prizen. Men ain't in the
habit uv dyin on panned oysters, briled beefsteak,
and milk toast; they hev a trick uv peggin out
faster on diet suthin the opposite uv that; for instance,
the variety that Jeff'son furnished em at
Andersonville. He wood hev got out any how.
Johnson is, after all, a poor white man, and he
cood bully them uv that class well enuff; but he
felt ashamed uv keeping a real gentleman like Davis
in prizen, and he wood hev releast him.”
“Shel I put Horris down on our books?” askt
the Sekretary, eagerly, dipping his pen into bloo
flame ez Hertzog does in the Black Crook.
“Let us consider!” sed Lucifer, musinly. “Wat
hez he did?”
“Bailed Jeff'son Davis!” returned the Sekretary,
confidently, givin his pen a fresh dip.
“Very good. Horris hez made uv hisself, to
speak figgeratively, a post for a drove uv hogs to
scratch themselves agin. They are scramblin out
uv the slough uv secession in wich they wallered
they find Horris a standin on the bank, and
agin him they rub their sides to clean off the mud
wich adheres. I speak figgeratively in likenin
Horris to a post; literally in likenin the secesh to
swine. They wuz jest ez senseless and jest ez
crooel. They wuz the wuns afore wich pearls wuz
cast.
“I hev jest finisht his defence of hisself. It's a
curious dokeyment, and puzzles me. I'm disposed
to consider him honest, — but wat a week showin
he makes! First, he sez he's honest, wich is alluz
agin a man, for a trooly honest man kin alluz find
enuff others to say it for him. 2d. He tries to prove
it, wich is very bad, for the honesty wich needs
provin is uv a rather scaly order. He instances his
spilin his chances for the Senit last fall by writin
that universal amnesty letter. Horris, in this matter,
is, I fear, playin ostrich. He hez his hed in the
sand, and, bein blind hisself, fancies the balance uv
his anatomikle strukter, wich ought to be in the
background, ain't visible to the rest uv mankind.
Or, he is reely a loonatic!
“I never hed any idea that he wantid the seat in
the Senit. He wuz in Congress wunst, and the
terrible failure he made ther wood, ef he wuz conscious
place agin. Then, ef he wuz reely compus
mentus, he wood hev knowd, or ought to hev
knowd, that he hedn't the ghost uv a chance for
the place, and coodn't hev got it ef he hed written
a letter urgin the hangin of every rebel, from Jeff'son
Davis down to Commodore Hollins. It looks
to me very much like ez ef Horris wuz playin the
old game uv declinin wat hed never bin offered
him. His letter wuz soundin brass and tinklin
cymbals.”
“Shel I enter him or not?” askt the Sekretary.
“It's a curis case,” said Lucifer, not mindin him.
“He hez bin agin me, by spasms, and when he hez
done things wich I could approve, I hev alluz, so
far, entered it up to the account uv loonacy; for I
am pertikler about puttin my claw onto any man
who don't belong to me. I hev a clear rite to every
one I git. This last trick uv his staggers me! Kin
it be that the old man wuz, all along, opposin wrong
and sich, not from any deep-seated dislike to the
artikle, but becoz opposin things wuz his best holt?
Kin it be — hevin bin in the minority all his life,
and found therein profit because it so happened that
the minority wuz rite — that he is now anxious to
git into that fix agin? Does Horris spose, that
him, and hevin a hundred thousand more or less,
who are in the habit uv readin him — the people
will follow him through the stinkin slums uv error
jest ez lively ez they did over the breezy hills uv
trooth? Hez his vanity got the better uv his discretion
at last? Hev the hangers-on, wich alluz puff
incense into the face uv success, been burnin hasheesh
afore him, and hez it intossicatid him? Is he,
at his advanced age, in imitashen uv Sut Lovingood's
daddy, goin to play hoss, forgittin the hornet's
nest into wich his great exemplar plunged?”
“Shel I put him down or not?” askt the Sekretary
agin, rather impatiently.
“No!” replied Lucifer, drawin hisself up decisively.
“Ef he splits up the Ablishnists, we shel
be so deep in his debt that he will deserve to git
clear uv us. Ez it is, he hez done enuff to entitle
him to our gratitood. He hez restored Jeff'son
Davis to me; he hez even enlarged his field uv usefulnis.
He is a demonstratin the theory that there
ain't no sich thing ez treason, and ez a matter uv
course, that there ain't bin no crime committed by
my friend Davis's friends. Ez Horris is establishin
the fact that the war agin my friends in the South
wuz unjustifiable, I shoodent be surprised ef the
will be to insist that their niggers be returned to
em. After all, I speckt that's wat he's drivin at.
Now that slavery's abolisht, I bleeve he'd like to
hev it restored, that he may hev suthin to do. His
okkepashen's gone. He's short uv a subjict now.
His pen hez bin so used to writin slavery! slavery!
slavery! — that he's reely at sea now that he kin
write it no more. He wants that joocy old sin set
up for him to batter at agin. He wants Lovejoy
shot over agin, and bleedin Kansas to be repeetid.
Wat's a perfessional Reformer ef ther ain't nothin
to reform? Wat's a corn doctor in a country wher
they wear big boots? No! let him go. He's shoor
uv punishment enuff any how. He's a Universlist,
a doctrine the mistake of wich he'll diskiver some
day; but he's very likely to realize his ijee uv punishment
on earth, for Wendell Phillips is after him,
and wat wuss can he suffer? Set this last act uv
his'n down ez honesty streakt with loonacy; or
ruther, the loonacy bein the biggest, ez loonacy
streakt with honesty, and leave him out — Go on
with the reports. Where's Davis now? and particulerly,
where's Johnson? Ef he does anythin agin
me, he does it thro mistake. Keep track uv Johnson;
don't let — ”
At this pint I wuz aroused by somebody shakin
me. It wuz Bascom. It wuz 8 o'clock, and ez I
had not bin over for my mornin bitters, in wich
dooty I'm very regler, the good man hed gone out
in search uv me. How pleasant 'tiz to have somebody
to care for yoo, even ef ther solisitood springs
from a ten-cent motive.
(Wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the Ham
and Japheth Free Academy for the Development
uv the Intellek uv all Races irrespectiv
of Color.
| XXI. Ekkoes from Kentucky | |