University of Virginia Library

THE KNAVE OF HARTS, To his three Brethren Knaues.

Wee Knaues (whom all men Knaues doe call)
That serue Knaues turnes to play withall,
Imploid for precious Times abuse,
And turn'd to euery Cheaters vse,
That in the Ale-house, day and night,
Cause drunken Knaues to brawle, and fight:
Make swearing Knaues let damn'd othes flye:
And idle Knaues proue beggers by:
And carelesse Knaues to spend their thrift:
And roguish Knaues to sharke and shift:
And cheating Knaues to goe most braue:
And foolish Knaues lose all they haue:
And greedy Knaues to vse false play:
And needy Knaues wrong whom they may:
And new-cut Knaues show cut-throat trickes:
And coos'ning Knaues false Cardes to mixe.
VVee friends (in tearmes of Knaues rewards)
Are singled forth a paire of Cardes
By one that we must yeeld vnto,
VVhose office hath with Knaues to doe.
For, he that here their humours writes,
Is kept from sleepe by Knaues a nights.
Night-walkers, such as sleepe by day:
And in the night hunt out for pray:
That imitate the Bat and Owle,
Night-Rauen, and such Cat-eyed Fowle.
One childe of darknesse seekes his Puncke,
Another at his liquor drunke,
By Statute claimes his due (the Stockes:)
Another closely picking lockes.
Neuer regarding Hang-mans feare,
Till Tyburne-tiffany he weare:
Others to quarrels them apply,
To get some Cloake or hat thereby.
And some for their aduantage, looking
At open windowes to be hooking,
Free purchase that way to attaine:
But leaue these to another vaine.
It is the Knaue of Spades his taske,
Their deedes of darknesse to vnmaske:
The Knaue of Clubs hath first begunne,
And I am next, now he hath done.
His tale of Knaues hath twice beene told:
And he is printed, bought and solde,
VVhich made me hasten to the Presse,
Least Dimond should my place possesse:
For, he is come with newes like these,
And brought much knauerie home from Seas.
Yet since that Clubs did promise make,
That I next him my place should take:
Therefore that credit Ile not leese,
How euer Club and Spade agrees,
In colour blacke, and I all red:
And we alike all foure be bred:
I am the heartiest Knaue of all,
(Stout-hearted Knaues are counted tall)
To take a purse, or make a Fray,
Tis we that swagger it away.
Then, hollow-hearted Knaues there be,
VVhose Inside, no mans eyes can see:
Such as will faune, and speake most kinde,
VVhile wholesome profit they doe finde,
Hard-hearted Knaues there likewise are,
That to vndoe men neuer care.
And gripe them with their Diuels clawes,
In all extreames of strickest lawes.
False-hearted Knaues that lies embrace,
And sweare blacke's white vnto your face:
That to deceiue in what they sell,
For twelue-pence venter soule to hell.
Of these and all hearts gracelesse bad,
Such plentie there is to be had,
That London hath no Lane nor Streete,
In which Knaues doe not daily meete:
They pace in Paules, as Gallants doe,
They keepe Exchange like Marchants to:
At Westminster they walke the Hall:
In Tauernes, they doe knocke and call:
In Trades-mens shops they daily be:
VVith Punckes, at Playes, you shall them see:
And (as I am true Knaue of Harts)
Some drawne about in leather Carts,
VVith such a kinde of lazie pride
About the Citie streetes they ride
As though they were diseas'd and lame,
Or else that London were the same,
Like Niniuie to trauell in,
That three dayes iourny would haue bin:
Such Carting ne'er was seene before,
A Coach must carry to Church doore.
An Asse that's with foure Horses drawne;
Yea, Mistresse Easie, to the Pawne
Must passe vpon two paire of VVheeles,
As though the Poxe were in her heeles:
Shee fearing t'tread vpon the ground:
Such idle pride the Diuell hath found,
For drawing vp and downe the streete,
That God might make them without feete,
Because they passe about the Towne,
Like Cripples, carryed vp and downe:
But leaue this luggage borne about,
Vnto the Scuruy, and the gowte:
And come to Gamsters now a while,
At whom the Knaue of Harts doth smile,
To see what shifting trickes be vs'd:
And what poore Guls there are abus'd,
That follow play vnto their cost,
Till all they get, and earne, be lost
And then they borrow, sharke, and shift,
In hope of Fortunes better gift,
For to recouer their lost part,
Striuing against the cheaters Art.
Poore fooles that Cards and Ale-house ply,
Till all, they get, consumes thereby:
The Vitlers poasts all chalck'd with scores,
And they turn'd Beggers out of doores.
Their kinde wiues that haue well deseru'd,
Beate and misus'd: their children staru'd:
Fie Ralcals, Villaines, drunken Knaues,
Base minded, brutish, roguish slaues:
It grieues my hart exceeding much,
VVhen they a paire of Cardes doe touch:
For harmelesse sport we first were made,
And men for recreation plaid:
Now each false hand, and theeuish fist
Shuffle and cut vs as they list:
And many a Rogue with coos'ning trickes,
From onely Cardes his liuing pickes.

The Knaue of Harts his Supplication to Card-makers.

VVee are abused in a great degree;
For, there's no Knaues so wronged as are wee
By those that chiefely should be our part-takers
And thus it is my Maisters, you Card-makers,
All other Knaues are at their owne free-will,
To braue it out, and follow fashion still
In any cut, according to the time,
But we poore Knaues (I know not for what crime)
Are kept in pie-bald Suites, which we haue worne
Hundred of yeares, this hardly can be borne
The idle-headed French deuis'd vs first,
Who of all fashion-mongers is the worst:
For, he doth change farre oftner than the Moone
Dislikes his morning suite in th' after-noone.
The English is his imitating Ape,
In euery toy the Tailers-sheares can shape,
Come dropping after, as the Diuell entices,
And putteth on the French-mans cast deuices.
Yet wee (with whom thus long they both haue plaid)
Must weare the suites in which we first were made.
It is no maruell euery base Consort,
When he hath lost his money, will report
All ill of vs, and giueth these rewards,
A poxe vpon these scuruy, lowsie Cardes:
How can we choose but haue the itching gift,
Kept in one kinde of cloaths, and neuer shift?
Or, to be scuruie, how can we forbeare,
That neuer yet had shirt or band to weare?
How bad I and my fellow Dimond goes,
We neuer yet had Garter to our Hose,
Nor any Shooe to put vpon our feete,
With such base cloaths, tis e'en a shame to see't:
My Sleeues are like some Morris-dancing fellow,
My Stockings Ideot-like, red, greene and yealow:
My Breeches like a paire of Lute-pins be,
Scarse Buttocke-roome, as euery man may see.
Like three-penie watch-men, three of vs doe stand,
Each with a rustie Browne-bill in his band:
And Clubs he holds an Arrow, like a Clowne,
The head-end vpward, and the feathers downe.
Thus we are wrong'd, and thus we are agrieu'd,
And thus long time we haue beene vnrelieu'd.
But, Card-makers, of you, Harts reason craues,
Why we should be restraind, aboue all Knaues,
To weare such patched and disguis'd attire?
Answere but this, of kindnesse, we require:
Shew vs (I pray) some reason, how it haps,
That we are euer bound to weare flat-Caps.
As though we had vnto a Cities trade,
Bin Prentises, and so were free-men made.
Had we blacke Gownes, vpon my life I sweare,
Many would say that we foure Serieants were:
And that would bring Card-play in small request
With Gallants that were fearefull of arrest:
For, melancholy they would euer be
A Seriants picture in their hands to see:
Others that Clubs and Spades apparrell notes,
Because they both are in side-guarded Coates,
Tearme them two Vsurers, villanous rich,
To whom the Diuell is beholden much,
And loues their Trades of getting gold so well,
They shall be welcome to his flames in Hell.
Others say, if we had white Aprons on,
We would be like vnto A non, A non,
VVhat is it Gentlemen you please to drinke?
And some, because we haue no beards, doe thinke
We are foure Panders, with our lowsie lockes,
Whose naked Chinnes are shauen with the Poxe:
Diuers opinions there be other showes,
Because we walke in Jerkins and in Hose,
Without an vpper Garment, Cloake, or Gowne,
We must be Tapsters running vp and downe
With Cannes of Beere, (Malt sod in fishes broth)
And those they say are fil'd with Nick and Froth.
Other auouch w'are of the smoky crew,
A trade that stinckes, although it be but new,
Such Fellowes as fit all the day in smother,
And drinke, like Diuels, fire to each other.
Thus are we plaid vpon by each base Groome.
Nay, let a paire of Cards lye in a roome,
Where any idle fellow commeth in,
The Knaues hee'll single out, and thus begin;
Here are foure Millers for their honest dealing:
Or Tailers, for the gift they haue in stealing:
Or Brokers, for their buying things are stole:
Or Bakers, for their looking throw a hole:
Or Colliers, for not filling of their Sackes;
Thus we are plaid vpon by sawcy Iackes.
And therefore if perswasions may but winne you,
Good Card-makers, (if there be any goodnes in you)
Apparrell vs with more respected Care,
Put vs in Hats, our Caps are worne thread-bare,
Let vs haue standing Collers, in the fashion:
(All are become a stiffe-necke generation)
Rose Hat-bands, with the shagged-ragged-Ruffe:
Great Cabbage-shooestrings (pray you bigge enough)
French Doublet, and the Spanish Hose to breech it:
Short Cloakes, like old Mandilions (wee beseech it)
Exchange our Swords, and take away our Bils,
Let vs haue Rapiers, (knaues loue fight that kils)
Put vs in Bootes, and make vs leather legs,
This Harts most humbly, and his fellowes begs.

Sixteene seuerall sorts of Knaues, Marching in order.

A proud Knaue.

What makes this foole think all's by him out-fac'd?
Is he in rancke with men of worship plac'd?
Or, doth some wit laid hidden in his Braine,
Breake out, and worke a loftie sprited vaine?
Or, doth his wealth encrease, because we finde
Mony makes fooles most diuellish proud in mind?
None of all this, your Iudgement wanders wide,
One sute of cloaths is cause of all this pride:
A fashion that was hatcht some weeke agoe,
By Lucifer in Plutoes Court below,
And sent from that same Prince of darknes there,
As Liuery for his sonnes on earth to weare,
From others for to know his proud ones by,
This is the cause that makes him looke so hie,
An Asse that knowes not all the cloaths we weare
Against our parents fall doe witnesse beare,
And we that had gone naked, weare the same
For punishment of sinne, to couer shame:
Foole, thou art like a pardoned thiefe, allow'd
To weare an halter, and of that hee's proud.

A shifting Knaue.

Hee that doth want an Office come to me,
Ile raise his fortunes to a Knights degree:
Aduance his state, and make him rich in gold,
To checke Inferiours, liuing vncontroul'd.
He shall make choise of places, please himselfe,
Yet I disdaine to doe this good for pelfe,
I take delight to doe the best I can,
To grace my Friend, and pleasure any man:
Onely their meanes by others must be wrought,
VVhich in respect are trifles, things of nought:
As, in plaine tearmes, thus much I needs must say,
There must be gifts to make an office way:
Gratuitie, that will be noted downe,
Some piece of Veluet for a Ladyes Gowne,
A thing of nothing; or, a Geldings gift
Vnto a Gentleman, must help to lift
The waight of businesse, that it may aspire.
A suite, or so, here's all that we require:
Thus fingring monie to preferre the case,
The office proues not worth the hangmans place.

A lying Knaue.

Silence a while, if you will wonders heare,
Here's tongue will tickle any itching eare:
A Linguist that discourseth passing well,
So full of newes, his braines and browes do swell:
He will your admiration entertaine
VVith secret things, from Rome, from France and Spaine,
Barbary, Turkey, Indies East, and VVest:
He hath all King domes businesse in his brest.
VVhats done aboue ground, he doth certain know it,
And on his friends most franckly will bestow it:
For, at your hands, he lookes to be no winner,
Except some breakfast, if you please, or dinner.
Or, lend him fortie shillings for a weeke,
(VVith trauellers, monie may be to seeke)
If you can spare him such a trifling summe,
You shall haue newes in pawne, til payment come,
And rare inuentions that were neuer found,
Shall yeeld the Author many a thousand pound:
This Trade the Diuell did for's sonnes deuise,
To picke a liuing out of damned lyes.

A whoring Knaue.

This Gentleman, with Oares hath past the riuer,
And very pockey newes he can deliuer:
From Lamberh-Marsh he newly is transported,
VVhere he hath beene most filthily consorted
VVith such hot sprited fiery feminine,
That heate him more then vnderneath the line.
Burnt wine, stew'd Prunes, a Puncke to solace him,
Seru'd thus, he cares not who doth sinck or swim,
Onely his businesse is at comming backe,
To seeke a Surgeon, purging he doth lacke,
Feeling his body something out of quiet,
He must goe sweat vpon't, and take the dyet:
But, to his griefe, this wofull speech he heares,
He is be-peper'd ouer head and eares:
And howsoeuer it may seeme disgrace,
The poxe will pull away his Beard from's face:
Nay, after that his chinne hath lost his pride,
T'will put him to a Periwigge beside:
But now he vowes whores bargaines very bare;
For he hath try'd and found it to a haire.

A dissembling Knaue.

Ile shew you good, the best in towne, assure you
Better (in truth) mony cannot procure you:
Indeed and verily, were you my brother;
Take it vpon my word, before another:
Beleeue me, it is for your turne, in sadnesse;
I haue solde dearer hath beene worse in badnesse;
By yea and nay, this is no fault you finde:
Verely sir, twill weare, to please your minde.
Now certainely, this is my lowest price:
Indeed, indeed, I sell not one thing twice:
Now as I liue, I cannot sell it so,
Surely, you will not match it, if you goe:
Take it, and pay as you doe finde it proue.
Nay, at a word, I needes must haue aboue.
If that I lose not twelue-pence in it, than
Assuredly, I am no honest man.
Beleeue him now, though all the rest be lyes:
For, after that the party's gone that buyes,
He comes to's partner, sits him laughing downe,
And sayes, by this hard Foole, I got a crowne.

An hypocriticall Knaue.

This villaine turnes an out-side, sad for sinne,
And bids his heart be carelesse, glad within:
His prayers at Church haue fained sighs between,
And still he sits, where he may best be seene:
VVhen he doth giue an almes in Iesus Name,
He lookes about to see who sees the same:
For Prayer, or deedes of Christian Charitie,
He alwayes seekes to haue some witnesse by,
Belike he hath some doubt in minde, proceedes,
Lest God denie that he hath done good deedes:
He more abhorres not to vncouer's head,
Hearing the name of Iesus vttered,
Then sweare by God, and take his name in vaine,
Yea, sight of Surplesse he doth more disdaine,
Than to be taken in his neighbours bed.
He like a Bull-rush can hang downe his head,
And sighing, say, his youth his God offended,
When neuer worse, most cause now to be mended.
To make faire outward show, ther's no man boulder,
Yet all he doth meere cousens the beholder.

A drunken Knaue.

Boy y'are a villaine, didst thou fill this Sacke?
Tis flat you Rascall, thou hast plaid the Iacke,
Bring in a quart of Maligo, right true:
And looke, you Rogue, that it be Poe and Kew.
Some good Tobacco, quickly, and a light:
Sirrha: this same was mingled yesternight.
VVhat Pipes are these? now take them broken, vp,
Another Bowle, I doe not like this Cup.
You slaue, what linnen hast thou brought vs here?
Fill me a Beaker, looke it be good Beere.
VVhat Claret's this? the very worst in towne;
Your Tauerne-bush deserues a pulling downe.
Boy, bring good wine, when men of iudgement cals,
Or Ile send pots & cups against your wals.
Fiue qualities to wine there doth belong,
Coole, dauncing, fragrant, beautifull, and strong:
Thus Ile be seru'd, neate, briske, without a dash,
Or, Ile not pay a penny for your trash.
By this, his braines, coole, fragrant, beauty, feeles,
And strong, and dauncing, trip vp both his heeles.

A swearing Knaue.

What God commands, this wretched creature lothes,
And neuer names his Maker but by othes:
And weares a tongue of such a damned fashion,
That swearing is his onely recreation:
In morning, euen as soone as he doth rise,
He sweares that sleepe is scarcely out his eyes:
Then makes him ready, swearing all the while,
The drowsie weather did him much beguile.
Got ready, he to Dice, or Tables goes,
Swearing by God at euery cast he throwes.
To dinner next, and then (in stead of grace)
He sweares his stomacke is in hungry case.
No sooner din'd, but cals, Come, take away,
And sweares, tis late, he must goe see a Play:
There sits and sweares to all he heares and sees;
That Speech is good, that Action disagrees.
So takes his Oares, & sweares, he must make hast,
His houre of Supper-tune is almost past.
You neuer haue his tongue from swearing free,
Vnlesse in's mouth Tobacco-pipe there be.

A theeuing Knaue.

This Gentleman hath neyther house nor land,
Nor any trade of life, but bidding Stand.
Stay quarter-day, he neuer can abide,
But takes vp rent vpon the High-way side.
Deliuer him your Purse, or else you dye:
His fearefull enemie is Hue and Cry,
VVhich at the heeles so hants his frighted ghost,
That he at last, in foot-mans Inne must host.
Some Castle dolorets compos'd of stone:
Like (let me see) Newgate is such a one.
There he denies, forsweares, with execration,
Renouncing heauen, and wishing for damnation
If euer he entended such a deede,
Or in his heart, so base a thought could breede;
But when his actions once are truely try'd,
And Iustice comes the matter to decide,
He is committed to the Hang-mans hand,
VVho charmes his tongue for euer bidding stand:
In Tiburne-text his Epitaph then be:
I, others rob'd; the Hang-man rifled mee.

A slothfull Knaue.

I vvretch in want, and woe, doe pine and lacke,
A suite of ragges and tatters on my backe,
VVherein the itching Vermine doe abound,
Is all my wealth; and yet my limbes be sound,
No sicknesse, nor defect in any part:
But I detest all labour with my heart,
With worke and taking paines I will not deale,
Ile rather begge; yea, play the theefe and steale,
Before Ile put my body in a sweate,
And make my hands the earners of my meate.
I make my account, food is of natures giuing:
And that the world is bound to finde me liuing:
And therefore till that Death doe intercept,
Now we are borne, we must, and will be kept.
Doth not experience teach in these our dayes,
A man must be beholding many wayes
To wealthy Churles, that licke the Kingdoms fat,
And begge for worke? Friends I will none of that:
I neuer was so farre in loue with moyling,
To begge, or steale, cuts off much pains & toiling.

A busie Knaue.

To entermedle with anothers state,
And set good friends and neighbors at debate,
To carry tales, and false vntruths about,
VVhereby contentions grow, and fallings out:
To sooth a man, to heare how hee's inclin'd,
And then acquaint another with his minde.
To finde out faults by euery one he knowes:
And any secret, falsely to disclose.
That is the taske, this Rascall takes in hand,
Affaires of other men to vnderstand:
His owne particular he doth neglect,
And that concernes him not, doth most respect,
VVith he, and she, & that, and this mans dealing,
He alwayes hath some matter in reuealing.
Knowes how his neighbours & their wiues agree,
Can tell how rich vnto a Groat they be,
VVhat gains they haue by that they deale withall,
And how their states in wealth doe rise or fall.
But that this Villaine shall be hang'd in hell,
He neuer boasts, although he knows it well.

A prophane Knaue.

Sir, saue your labour, spend no breath in vaine,
Keepe your Instructions, they smell Puritane:
If that your nicenesse can abide no Iest,
You may refraine, we hold your absence best.
You must not teach Good-fellowes what to doe:
VVe can serue God, and yet be merry too:
Here's better men by ods, then thou in place,
Can dine and suppe, without your saying Grace.
My father was foure-score before he dide,
Faire Gamester, and a good consort beside;
Belou'd amongst his neighbours (where he dwelt)
Yet of the Puritane he neuer smelt.
VVhen he had guests with stomacks to their meat,
His grace was this; Welcome, my master:, eate,
I pray fall too, and let few words suffice:
And neuer taught his children otherwise:
So (for my part) I follow that rule still,
Giue me good victuals, and say grace who will;
It causeth hunger in my guts a-breeding,
And keepes them fasting, that would faine be feeding.

A prodigall Knaue.

Braue house, braue cloaths, braue cheere, braue Prodigall,
Braue foole, braue eu'ry thing, braue whores & all
Are for this Gallant, all his care is growne
How he may spend his mony, to be knowne.
Along the streetes, as he doth ietting passe,
His out-side showes him, for an inward Asse,
In a Tobacco-shop (resembling hell,
Fire, stinck, & smoake must be where diuels dwell)
He sits, you cannot see his face for vapour,
Offring to Pluto with a tallow Taper:
In Tauernes, with his drunken fellow sinners,
He paies the bill of all their Bacchus dinners.
And there in bowles of wine, he onely ioyes,
Consorted thus, VVhores, Fidlers, Roring-boyes:
But note him now, and leaue him at the best;
Best, said I? then the Diuell's an honest guest.
Past the Meridian, now his Sunne declines,
And in the stead of French and Spanish wines,
Betakes himselfe to English Bere and Ale,
Sels all his Land, dies in some dolefull Iayle.

An ingratefull Knaue.

Extend thy loue in all humilitie,
Let bountie ioyne with liberalitie:
Lend, giue, forgiue, spend, and consume thy state;
Nay, if thy life, this wretch will be ingrate,
Though thou in nothing, he demands, denie him.
He thinks all's debt, & thou art bound to pay him.
Thy house, thy goods, thy purse, thy bond, thy bill.
Ingratitude remaines a monster still.
But doe not wonder at this Beast so much,
That towards men he euer proueth such,
VVho are but earthly mortals, euen, as hee:
For, to the God of heauen, thus hee'll be.
All gifts and blessings the Almighty giues:
Directly like the swinish Hogge he liues,
That feeds on fruit which from the tree doth fall,
But vpwards, whence it comes, ne'er lookes at all:
Receiues his meat euen like the Horse and Mule,
The Oxe, and Asse, that haue not reasons rule.
Heauen hates this wretch, on earth good men abhor him,
Hel & damnation is prepared for him.

A couetous Knaue.

This sonne of Mammon, monies cursed slaue,
wil part with nothing, & would all things haue
House, land, lease, shipping, cattell, field and wood,
By any meanes, his conscience is so good.
Tell him of heauen and celestiall things,
Of hell, that horror, woe, and torment brings
Of Iudgement, where all sinners must appeare,
Of Death, that giues nor day, nor houre, nor yeer.
He lookes as though he vnderstands you not:
And sayes: there's little mony to be got:
Tis a dead world, no stirring, he hath crosses:
Rehearseth vp a bead-rowle of his losses:
And sighes, as thogh his hart would break within,
And swearing sayes; VVhat villaine I haue bin
To credit knaues, that haue deceiu'd me so?
But from this houre Ile ne'er trust friend nor foe:
Come Father, Brother, Vncle, Coosen, Friend,
Ile sweare I made a vow, I will not lend
To any breathes aliue, nor will be drawne
To lend a penny, but on two-pence pawne.

An enuious Knaue.

Thou that vpon my picture here dost looke,
I grieue thou hast a groate to buy this Booke:
If any Iest be here to make thee smile,
I raging raue, with fury all the while.
I hate the Printer if he haue done well,
And Stationer, that doth these humours sell:
In briefe, I am in loue with none aliue:
And might I haue my wishes, none should thriue.
On others miseries and woes, I feede,
I neuer smile but at some wicked deede.
Losses on Land, and casualties at Seas,
My recreation doth consist in these:
I can show passion with an outward voyce
For villanies, which make my heart reioyce:
I feede on euils, they are my nutriment;
My neighbours welfare is my discontent,
At that I pine, in a consumption still:
I would haue no man prosper by my will:
My carkasse leane, dry, wither'd, pale and wanne,
A very Diuell in the shape of Man.

Beggery embraceth Whoredome.

Oh, what a gallant Punck haue I knowne Grace?
(thogh gracious deed she neuer wold embrace)
Her customes great, her ornaments excelling:
A famous Baudy-house her antient dwelling.
Her fashions rare, and of the Diuels best,
His owne choise whore could goe no brauer drest.
Her trappings from the toe vnto the top,
Might furnish out an Exchange-mercers Shoppe:
A leather Cart to iowlt and shake her in,
(Hauing with carting well acquainted bin)
Her swagg'ring Gallants that through Cupids itch,
Haue haunted her as Dogs doe haunt a Bitch.
Yet all is chang'd, there is great alteration,
Shee is as stale as Breech with Cod-piece fashion,
VVhereof no Tailor can auouch the troth,
VVithout he proue it with old painted cloth.
This ruffling Grace (or rather, Gracelesse ruffler,
Is now from cutting turn'd a needy shuffler:
Yea, this same silken, golden, cyuit VVhore,
Is roguish ragged, and most pockey poore.

A Guls fray.

Sirrha thou knowst me, dost thou not?
Thou most inferiour to a sot,
At such a time, in such a place,
Thy breath my person did disgrace,
And Mars hath crost me in my vow,
Till by good hap, I ceaze thee now.
Draw, if thou hast a heart to draw;
VVith Rapier points wee'll goe to law.
Tother turn'd vp his hat before,
And laying hand on's weapon, swore,
His choler was extreamely heate,
His hart swolne wondrous big and great,
His fury euen Orlando-like,
More bold then Hercules to strike:
But (quoth he) if thou think'st it good,
VVeell reason in the coole of blood,
VVe haue beene friends God knowes how long,
I can put vp a greater wrong
Then this comes to. Faith so can I,
The other Swagg'rer did reply:
Thinke but on Peter Lamberts swing,
And killing men's a scuruy thing.

Epigram.

[A rich plain Clowne, hauing a Knight to's Son]

A rich plain Clowne, hauing a Knight to's Son,
That into some arrerages was runne,
Intreates his Father for his knighthoods sake.
Some mony-means, to help him, he would make:
For, pouertie so neare him did approach,
He must goe sell his Horses, pawne his Coach.
Nay, God forbid, qd. good-man Grunt his Father,
Ile zell the Close behind my barne (zonne) rather:
I hope (my childe) a wiser Knight thou art,
Then zell my daughter Madames Cart.
Come, come, my zonne, Ile zell a piece of land:
So to the sale when he should set his hand,
His Sonne sayes, father, you your selfe must write
A Gentleman; because your Sonne's a Knight.
VVell zon (quoth he) Ile write as you would haue,
But when my mony for this ground I gaue
I was a Yeoman, zo the VVritings zay:
Now Gentleman, I zell the same away.
If Gentlemen zell land, and yeomen buy,
Zonne Knight, a Yeoman let me liue and die.

A censure of Gun-shot.

When Archidamus did behold with wonder,
Mans imitation of Ioues dreadfull Thunder:
The fire first, presenting lightnings flame,
A fearefull sound to ouer-take the same:
The swarty Vapor like to Phlegeton,
Or stincking Sulphure out of Acheron:
The roring Cannon, from whose lips of brasse,
The fatall messenger of Death did passe:
An iron ball, wrapt round about with fire:
He thus concludes his censure with admire,
O Hercules, mans valour and his might,
Prowesse and strength, are all extinguish'd quite!
Here is destructions-monster, sent from Hell,
(The Diuels engine) manly force farewell.

True Ualour.

A vvorthy Captaine, foe to coward kinde,
Most resolute in action, firme in minde:
That by the sword was carued full of scarres,
And by the Bullet lost a legge in wartes,
Retiring from the field to cure his paine,
VVould with a wooden legge, goe fight againe.
His friends perswasions would his mind reclaim,
Obiecting he was impotent and lame,
Vnfit for fight, being his state was such.
But he reply'd you are deceiued much:
I shall be sure to stand my ground and stay,
VVhen they that haue their legges may run away.
My nimble heeles will neuer take their flight,
But beare my body, while the hands doe fight.
This wooden legge will hold me to it sound,
It is a Souldiers praise to keepe his ground.

Craft beguiles Subtiltie.

A mornings draught one was enioyn'd
For to allow his wife,
Condition'd in her widdow-hood:
And to auoide all strife
Kept couenant, vnwilling tho:
For, euery day a cup
Must be prepar'd of Muscadine,
Against her rising vp,
And that she emptied all alone,
(Her husband had no share,)
Telling him, shee great reason had,
To see the bottome bare:
Because there was a Crucifixe
Grauen within the bowle:
And to behold that Image, was
A comfort to her Soule.
He, hearing this, taketh the Cuppe,
And to a Gold-smith goes,
VVilling him race that picture out,
And in the stead, bestowes
The domge of a Diuels face,
VVith hornes most largely fraught,
Conueying it in place againe,
To serue the mornings draught.
His wife next day doth take the same,
According to her vse:
And filling out the wine therein,
Perceiuing the abuse,
Smiles to her selfe, then drinkes it of,
And fils it out againe,
And that she turneth likewise downe,
In a carowsing vaine.
Hold wife (quoth he) you drinke too deepe,
Your lowance you exceed:
You see no Sauiours picture now,
And therefore pray take heed.
I know it very well (said she)
My husband, thinke not strange:
My Cup hath alter'd fashion now,
And that doth make me change.
In place of Christ, I doe behold
A Diuell sterne and grim,
VVhich makes me drinke a double draught,
Euen in despight of him.
Sure, wife (quoth he) I like not this:
The picture shall be mended:
For, if you spite the Diuell thus,
My purse will be offended.

Fortunes floud hath an ebbe.

Thou lately great, with thy great Lord in grace:
that couldst prefer the mean, aduance the base:
Doe good to him whose goodnes thou didst feele,
In Fortunes fauour, turning Fortunes-wheele,
Must now thy selfe from former height dismount,
And be with all men in no more account
Then figures which Arithmeticians make:
To which they adde, & from the which they take:
That which was twentie thousand euen now,
Is present counted noughts, and so art thou.

A bad excuse better then none at all.

Tvvo lusty wrastlers did contend by strength,
To winne a wager, and the one at length,
Caught t'other by the necke, and held him so,
That to the ground he was at poynt to goe:
VVith that he put his teeth in t'others side,
And bit so grieuously, that out he cride,
Dost play the dogge thou villaine? shame requite thee.
No slaue (quoth he) I like a Lyon bite thee.

Simple in Show, may be Subtle in Conceit.

VVhen Englands fift King Henry of that name
At Agincourt did winne immortall fame:
And Fortune with her smiles auspicious,
Grac'd English with the day victorious:
A funerall Oration one did make,
And of dead French-mens valours highly spake:
Which a blunt Souldier hearing, seru'd our King,
Pray sir (quoth he) let me demand one thing:
You doe extoll them wondrously, are slaine;
And said, their honour endlesse shall remaine,
Tho they are dead, you say, their fame doth liue,
And yeeld them all good words a tongue can giue;
But if they merit this being dead: pray then
What deserue we, haue slaine those valiant men?

Mony marryeth Mony.

A wretch that neither hop'd for heauen,
Nor stood in feare of hell:
Whose onely loue was in his chest,
Where bagges of Gold did dwell:
Had shar'd so oft in Widdowes wealths
Had got the goods of fiue,
And went a wooing to the sixt,
(which sixt he meant to wiue)
Could number Husbands to his wiues,
Hauing as oft beene wed:
These rotten carrions both agree,
To make one stincking bed:
And being marryed, each of other
Had a iealous doubt,
Which might be luckie for to liue,
And weare the other out.
I feare (quoth mother Mumsimus)
The Drudge will bury me:
I dread (quoth her Curmudgion)
This Trot mine end will see
Me thinkes shee's lustier now,
Then long agoe she was:
I haue had lucke to bury fiue,
And turne them out to grasse:
And it would grieue my heart and soule,
To giue this old queane ground,
My leases, plate, my pawnes, my bonds,
And many a thousand pound,
All this to stop her mouth withall:
(for I no kindred haue)
Would make some Countesse of my Wife,
If I were once in graue.
Ile see her hangd: take better hold,
Old Iohn, and neuer doubt,
A Poxe vpon the Doctors:
If they could but cure the gowte:
Set in new teeth, and mend mine eares,
And help me with some sight:
Prouide a medicine for my backe,
To make me goe vpright:
Cure this same Colique and the Stone,
And make these armes but strong:
Why, I should be a lusty youth:
And liue, God knowes how long.
She on the other side conferres
And with her selfe debates:
Oh what a lustie wench were I
To haue the sixe estates
Of monstrous misers ioyn'd in one;
And I a widdow free:
He should not be a little Lord,
That next should marry me:
No, I would haue some mighty man:
Or I would neuer match,
If Death would vse this Husband,
Like the fiue he did dispatch:
I finde my heart exceeding sound,
and subiect to no paine,
T'would weare another body out,
Were I a Girle againe.
Onely my flesh is not so plumpe
As it tofore hath bin:
Beauty is gone, why fate-well it:
A Faces-breadth of skinne:
If I could get a medicine for
The Rhume offends mine eyes,
And help for the Sciathiea,
That so torments my thighes.
The Cough that nightly breakes my sleepe,
The Crampe that makes me tumble:
The winde within my pudding-house,
That makes my guts to rumble.
The aches that are in my backe,
And bid me still Good-morrow:
And shake the shaking-Palsie off,
I would shake off all sorrow.
Thus with these wretches hopelesse things,
And cure where hope is past:
He longing to out-liue his Wife.
She trusting to dye last.
Till Death takes order with them both.
Whom long they did incense,
Giues each a stab to dye withall,
And takes them both from hence:
Vnto their bellies and their backes
Each dide an extreme debter:
The world did wrangle for their wealth
And Lawyers far'd the better.

Two Cony-catchers gull the third.

The Picture of a cleanly Cooke.

A lab'ring man of honest painefull life,
That had (as many haue) a lazie wife,
From head to foote iust of the flattish size,
Came home at noone his hunger to suffice,
Looking what dyet his kinde wife did keepe:
Iust where he left her, found her fast a sleepe:
So he entreates her rise and giue him meate.
Husband (quoth she) my drowsinesse is great:
But pree thee man, goe downe, and get a fire;
Reach me my stockings, and my other tire:
I will come straight, and heate a messe of broth,
So yawnes, and stretches; then ariseth sloth.
Comes downe, hangs on the pot, which being heat,
Mew, cries the Cat, (being in a porredge sweat)
She takes her out, strokes off the spoone meate cleere,
And sayes, poore Pusse, alas, how cam'st thou here?
Come Husband, take a spoone, and eate, I pray:
Twere pitty cast a drop of this away.
What a rare Cat (sweet hart) haue we two got,
That seekes for Mise euen in the Porredge-pot.
Nay wife (quoth he) thou maist be wonder'd at,
For making Porredge of a perboild Cat.

Y'are deceiu'd in me Sir.

A booted Swagg'rer sharking vp and downe,
Met in his walke a silly horse-man Clowne,
That nodding rid vpon a curtall-Iade:
To whom sir Shagge in scoffing fashion said;
What shall I giue thee (fellow) for a foote
Of thy Horse-tayle? the Clowne that listned too't,
Drew backe, and got the stumpe into his hand,
Saying, pray sir, what is't you doe demand?
Marry (quoth he) I aske what thou wilt take
For thy Horse-taile, and price by foote to make.
The Country-fellow holding vp the stumpe,
Sayes; Sir, a match; and if you please, wee'll iumpe:
Because wee two did neuer buy and sell,
Come in the shoppe here, and Ile vse you well.

A shee-swaggerer, of the Shrewes fashion.

Epigram.

[They say, The better day, the better deede]

They say, The better day, the better deede:
Sellman sayes no, who with the Diuell decreed,
Vpon the day of Christs Natiuitie,
In the Kings Chappell, to commit Fellonie.
Oh daring wretch, so spent of heauenly grace,
To steale at such a time, in such a place:
Too true thy name and deedes alike haue bin,
Thou wast a Sell-man of thy selfe to sinne.

Epigram.

[VVhen this Picke-pocket, suffer'd vitall losse]

VVhen this Picke-pocket, suffer'd vitall losse,
Betweene the Court-gate hang'd, & Charing-crosse:
One of his Fellowes (for the diuing trickes)
At th' execution place a pocket pickes:
One in the Church where God is honour'd chiefe;
Another at the Gallowes playes the thiefe.
What can diuert such wretches from their euill,
That feare not God, the Hang-man, nor the Diuell?

Epigram.

[Bladud (a Brittish King) would play the foole]

Bladud (a Brittish King) would play the foole,
And flye (like Dedalus) without controule:
But while he thought Ioues Princely bird to checke,
His Feathers gaue him leaue to breake his necke.
A German (called Peter Stumpe) by charme
Of an inchanted Girdle, did much harme,
Transform'd himselfe into a Wolfeish shape,
And in a wood did many yeeres escape
The hand of Iustice, till the Hang-man met him,
And from a Wolfe, did with an halter fet him:
Thus counterfaiting shapes haue had ill lucke,
Witnesse Acteon when he plaid the Bucke.
And now of late, but bad successe I heare,
To an vnfortunate two-legged Beare,
Who though indeede he did deserue no ill,
Some Butchers (playing Dogs) did well-nye kill:
Belike they did reuenge vpon him take,
For Hunckes and Stone, and Paris-gardens sake,
With all the kindred of their friend old Harry:
But should the Fortune-Beare, by death misse-carry,
I cannot see, but (by the Lawes consent)
The Butchers would at Tyburne keepe their lent.

Epilogue.

[Thus Hart to Dimond yeelds his place]

Thus Hart to Dimond yeelds his place,
Who is the next must show his face,
With water-newes of speciall note,
From Argosie to Scullers-Boate,
He hath much matter to relate
Of Pirates, and Sea-rouers state;
What villanies are wrought by Knaues,
Vpon God Neptunes swelling waues.
Of eu'ry Nation, he knowes, some
Will play the theeues, vntill they come
To such an end as my last line
Concludes withall, the Hempen-twine:
For, though Pyrates exempted be
From fatall Tyburnes wither'd Tree,
They haue an Harbour to arriue,
Call'd Wapping, where as ill they thriue
As those that ride vp Holbourne-hill,
And at the Gallowes make their Will.
Farewell, farewell, in hast adue,
The Cardes wants Harts to make them true.