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A New Brand of Cigars
[_]
“La Marie Jansen” is a new brand of cigars that has been devised, manufactured, and uttered by an enterprising Boston man named Horace S. Woodbury. The vivacious lady who gives her name to these delectable weeds has honored us with a box of them, and we desire to testify to the superior quality of the same (the cigars). The Jansen has no equal among domestic goods, nor have we seen any foreign article that we prefer to it. It is of medium size, of proper heft, is well filled, and it imparts a singularly pleasing flavor to one's mouth. We know not how better to express our approval of this paragon of home industry than in these eloquent words of the inspired poet:
But I claim that the home-made will do, sir;
So I hullaballoo f'r th' indigenous two-f'r,
And stand for the red-white-and-blue, sir.
The Jansen's the smoker for this jolly joker—
It draws well, is fragrant and dapper;
It is so much the best that I'd swap all the rest
For just one—in a cute little wrapper.”
72
The Rime of the Crow Eater
Into the market place there came
(One autumn morning murky)
An old and battered veteran
To choose a proper turkey.
(One autumn morning murky)
An old and battered veteran
To choose a proper turkey.
His coat tails and his shrunken shanks
Had cockle burrs stuck to 'em,
And his whiskers looked as if the wind
Of winter had blown through 'em.
Had cockle burrs stuck to 'em,
And his whiskers looked as if the wind
Of winter had blown through 'em.
And still as through those whiskers white
The breezes rudely fluttered,
The old man from a cracker-box
This strange recital uttered:
The breezes rudely fluttered,
The old man from a cracker-box
This strange recital uttered:
“Twice two long years,” says he, “I've sot
Around the Grand Pacific,
And all that twice two years the feed
Has simply been terrific.”
Around the Grand Pacific,
And all that twice two years the feed
Has simply been terrific.”
THE GRAND PACIFIC
“For twice two years I've eaten crowIn widely various weathers;
Not only meat and skin and bones,
But also claws and feathers!”
73
A CROW
“The crow it is a dismal bird,
And deeply I abhor it;
For twice two years I've lived on crow,
Though never clamoring for it.
And deeply I abhor it;
For twice two years I've lived on crow,
Though never clamoring for it.
“‘What have we on the bill to-day?’
I'd question of the waiter;
‘Turk fer the rest,’ sez he, ‘but you
Gets crow an' cold pertater!’
I'd question of the waiter;
‘Turk fer the rest,’ sez he, ‘but you
Gets crow an' cold pertater!’
“They gave me crow in every style
And every foreign name, sir—
Alas! no matter how disguised,
Crow always is the same, sir!
And every foreign name, sir—
Alas! no matter how disguised,
Crow always is the same, sir!
“Though it be christened à la mode,
Still is its flavor queer, sir;
No rhetoric can mitigate
Its consequences here, sir!
Still is its flavor queer, sir;
No rhetoric can mitigate
Its consequences here, sir!
“In vain I fled from John B. Drake
To other restauraters;
In vain I sought for victuals else
Than crow and cold pertaters!”
To other restauraters;
In vain I sought for victuals else
Than crow and cold pertaters!”
A RESTAURANT
“They fed me crow and only crow
Until I thought I'd die, sir;
I got so full of crow at last
I half opined I'd fly, sir!
Until I thought I'd die, sir;
74
I half opined I'd fly, sir!
“For, as I said a spell ago,
In fair and stormy weathers,
I ate not only the skin and bones—
I ate also the feathers!
In fair and stormy weathers,
I ate not only the skin and bones—
I ate also the feathers!
“The crow it is a noxious bird
To stomachs such as mine is;
But, heaven be praised! there is no ill
But some time has its finis!
To stomachs such as mine is;
But, heaven be praised! there is no ill
But some time has its finis!
“Once, as I chewed the bitter cud
Of gloomy introspections,
A cheery voice broke in upon
The thread of my reflections.
Of gloomy introspections,
A cheery voice broke in upon
The thread of my reflections.
“I looked up and saw the face
Of Captain John R. Tanner!
I heard salvation in his voice—
I saw it in his manner!
Of Captain John R. Tanner!
I heard salvation in his voice—
I saw it in his manner!
“At once dispelled were gnawing griefs
And apprehensions gloomy;
Of all the spectacles on earth,
This was the most precious to me!”
And apprehensions gloomy;
Of all the spectacles on earth,
This was the most precious to me!”
75
SPECTACLES
“‘John! John!’ I wailed, ‘give piteous ear
Unto my tale of woe, sir;
For twice two years I've eaten crow,
And eaten only crow, sir!
Unto my tale of woe, sir;
For twice two years I've eaten crow,
And eaten only crow, sir!
“‘What wonder is it that I cry,
“O tempora! O mores!”
Since gnawing crow has worn away
My dentes incisores!’”
“O tempora! O mores!”
Since gnawing crow has worn away
My dentes incisores!’”
DENTES INCISORES
“‘The bird of which you speak,’ says John,
‘It, too, has been my living;
But, Bailey, you and I shall gorge
On turkey, come Thanksgiving!
‘It, too, has been my living;
But, Bailey, you and I shall gorge
On turkey, come Thanksgiving!
“‘See here; I have a subtle soup
Corked up in this decanter,
With which I'll prove “similia
Similibus curantur!”
Corked up in this decanter,
With which I'll prove “similia
Similibus curantur!”
“‘I shall inject this subtle soup
Into our common foe, sir;
Then shall we get the turkey-bird,
And they shall get the crow, sir!
Into our common foe, sir;
Then shall we get the turkey-bird,
And they shall get the crow, sir!
76
“‘But never mind particulars—
Just wait and watch the sequel!
Oh, we shall lead them such a dance
As never had an equal!’”
Just wait and watch the sequel!
Oh, we shall lead them such a dance
As never had an equal!’”
A DANCE
“‘Twas even as John Tanner said,
And you will not deny it
If you observe, Thanksgiving Day,
My changed and sumptuous diet!
And you will not deny it
If you observe, Thanksgiving Day,
My changed and sumptuous diet!
“Times are more prosperous than they were—
Once more we've peace and plenty;
Turkey shall be my dainty feast
Next week, Deo volente!
Once more we've peace and plenty;
Turkey shall be my dainty feast
Next week, Deo volente!
“For twice two years I've lived on crow
Through ever changeful weathers—
Those twice two cycles fed on skins,
Bones, inwards, claws and feathers.”
Through ever changeful weathers—
Those twice two cycles fed on skins,
Bones, inwards, claws and feathers.”
TWICE TWO CYCLES
“But fickle fate has brought me joy,
And, feeling blithe and perky,
I've come into the market place
To fetch a bouncing turkey.
And, feeling blithe and perky,
I've come into the market place
To fetch a bouncing turkey.
77
“No senile, starveling bird will do—
But one that's young and tender;
One that is whiskerless and plump,
And of the female gender!”
But one that's young and tender;
One that is whiskerless and plump,
And of the female gender!”
A TURKEY
“I'll carve it next Thanksgiving Day,And pour the oyster sauce on—
'Twill be a goodly change from crow!”
Quoth grand old Bailey Dawson
130
[A New York critic, Winter hight]
A New York critic, Winter hight,
Upon a time did sore despite
A play & him as he wrote it;
He set a straw man on a hill;
Then, couching his prodigious quill,
Most grievously he smote it.
Upon a time did sore despite
A play & him as he wrote it;
131
Then, couching his prodigious quill,
Most grievously he smote it.
“Meseemeth, 'neath that poet guise
The baseborn caitiff Lathrop lies—
And he's the prey I've layed for;
& it behooves me now to fare
Against that prey and raise its hair—
Syn that is what I'm paid for.”
The baseborn caitiff Lathrop lies—
And he's the prey I've layed for;
& it behooves me now to fare
Against that prey and raise its hair—
Syn that is what I'm paid for.”
So up & down that critic rased
& backe & foorth he foyned & trased
& monstrous strookes deliverd;
Till that, from hacking at that straw
In direst wise you ever saw,
His quill was all to-shivered.
& backe & foorth he foyned & trased
& monstrous strookes deliverd;
Till that, from hacking at that straw
In direst wise you ever saw,
His quill was all to-shivered.
& when he made an end at last
& when that man of straw was brast
Like so much straw asunder,
Loud laughen peoples all to see
That critic angred for that he
Had made a grewsome blunder.
& when that man of straw was brast
Like so much straw asunder,
Loud laughen peoples all to see
That critic angred for that he
Had made a grewsome blunder.
It was not Lathrop that he slew,
Though that was what he meant to do
With his egregious feather;
'Twas Tennyson he slew so bold—
Then was that critic, we ben told,
Beset by wintry weather.
Though that was what he meant to do
With his egregious feather;
'Twas Tennyson he slew so bold—
Then was that critic, we ben told,
Beset by wintry weather.
138
Inter-State Commerce
In 'eighty-six right evil tricks
Reformers sought to play;
They formed a pool wherewith to fool
The state that had to pay.
Reformers sought to play;
They formed a pool wherewith to fool
The state that had to pay.
With divers winks and smiles, methinks,
One Rees the pillage planned—
And as for Clen (that best of men)!
He took a quiet hand.
One Rees the pillage planned—
And as for Clen (that best of men)!
He took a quiet hand.
139
He argued so (by which you'll know
A godly man was he):
“Quite different things are pools from rings—
This pool's the thing for me!
A godly man was he):
“Quite different things are pools from rings—
This pool's the thing for me!
“For years I've been a foe to sin—
I find it does not pay;
I'll share your guile a little while,
But am not in to stay!
I find it does not pay;
I'll share your guile a little while,
But am not in to stay!
“When breezes blow and blasts of woe
Seem threatening every minute,
I'll skip the game to save my name
And swear I wasn't in it!”
Seem threatening every minute,
I'll skip the game to save my name
And swear I wasn't in it!”
'Twas thus to each his cautious speech
In godly phrases ran;
“Whate'er betide,” the others cried,
We'll “save the honest man!”
In godly phrases ran;
“Whate'er betide,” the others cried,
We'll “save the honest man!”
The crash has come and there are some
Who thinks that Clen's to blame,
But Rees et al, defend their pal,
And bless his righteous name.
Who thinks that Clen's to blame,
But Rees et al, defend their pal,
And bless his righteous name.
And Clen denies and rolls his eyes
In fashion most dejected;
It's hard on Clen when godly men
Are not from wrath protected.
In fashion most dejected;
It's hard on Clen when godly men
Are not from wrath protected.
142
Rev. Sam Small and Rev. Sam Jones
I.
“I'll never chaw terbacker—no,Nor smoke, nor snuff at all!
Folks say it is a deadly sin,”
Says Rev. Samuel Small.
II.
But lo! as if in answer toHis partner's chiding tones:
“I shaw terbacker, and I smoke!
Says Rev. Samuel Jones.
III.
But seeing how the Rev. SmallAnd other folks did scoff.
Because he used the filthy weed,
The Rev. Jones swore off.
IV.
So glory be to Small and Jones,Those best of preacher-men,
And let us pray that, since they're off,
They'll not swear on again.
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