University of Virginia Library

Scene 5.

Quicksands. Testy. Nath. Uincent. Edmond.
Qui.
Now to our Revels. Sit ye, sit ye gallants
Whilst, Uncle, you shall see how I'le requite
The masque they lent me on my wedding night.
Twas but lent Gentlemen, your masque of horns,
And all the private jears and publick scorns
Y'have cast upon me since. Now you shall see
How Ile return them; and remarried be.

Uin.
I hope he'l marry his Moor to anger us.

Nat.
Ile give her something with her, if I catch her,
And't be but in the cole-house.

Florish enter Inductor like a Moor leading Phillis (black and) gorgeously deck't with jewels.
Tes.
Attend Gentleman.

Ind.
The Queen of Ethiop dreampt upon a night
Her black womb should bring forth a virgin white.

Ed.
Black womb!

Ind.
She told her king; he told thereof his Peeres.
Till this white dream fil'd their black heads with fears.

Nat.
A whorson blockheads.

Ind.
Blackheads I sai'd. Ile come to you anon

Tes.
He puts the blockheads on'hem grosly.

Quic.
Brave impudent rogue. He made the speeches last year
Before my Lord Marquess of Fleet Conduit.

Ind.
Till this white dream fil'd their blackheads with fear,
For tis no better then a Prodegy
To have white children in a black countrey.
So 'twas decreed that if the child prov'd white,
It should be made away. O cruel spight!
The Queen cry'd out, and was delivered
Of child black as you see: Yet Wizards sed
That if this damsel liv'd married to be
To a white man, she should be white as he.

Vin.
The moral is, If Quicksands marry her,
Her face shall be white as his conscience.

Ind.
The careful Queen, conclusion for to try,
Sent her to merry England charily
(The fairest Nation man yet ever saw)
To take a husband; such as I shall draw,
Being an Ægyptian Prophet.

Ed.
Draw me, and ile hang thee.

Ind.
Now I come to you, Gentlemen.

He looks in Edmonds hand.
Qui.
Now mark my Jeeres.

Ind.
You must not have her: For I find by your hand
You have forfeited the mortgage of your land.

Ed.
Pox o'your Palmistrie.

Ven.
Now me.

Ind.
Nor you: For here I plainly see
In Vin. his hand.
You have sold and spent your lifes Annuity.

Vin.
The devil take him, made thee a soothsayer.

Nat.
I find from whence your skill comes. Yet take me
For thy little Princess of darknesse, and if
I rub her not as white as another can
Let me be hung up with her for a new
Sign of the labour in vain.

Ind.
Nor you, sir: For
In Nats hand.
The onely sute you wear smels of the chest
That holds in Limbo Lavender all your rest.

Nat.
Would his brains were in thy belly that keeps the key on't.

Ind.
This is the worthy man, whose wealth and wit,
To make a white one, must the black mark hit.

In Quic. hand
Qui.
Your jeers are answer'd, gallants. Now your dance.

Enter the rest of the Moors. They Dance an Antique in which they use action of Mockery and derision to the three Gentlemen.
Nat.
We applaud your devise, and you'l give me leave
To take your black bride here, forth in a daunce.

Quic.
With all my heart, sir.

Nat.
Musick, play a Galliard,
You know what you promised me, Bullis.

Phi.
But howa can ita be donea.

Nat.
How I am taken with the elevation of her nostrils.

Nat.
Play a little quicker—Heark you—if I lead you
A dance to a couch or a bed side, will you follow me?

Phi.
I will doa my besta.

Nat. daunces vily. Quicks. & Tes. laughs & looks off.
Nat.
So, so; quick Musick, quick.

Qui.
O ougly! call you this dauncing; ha, ha, ha.

Nat.
Do you laugh at me.

Enter Arnold like a Countrey man, and Buz. like a changling, and as they enter, exit Nat. with Phil. the Musick still playing. He sings and dances and spins with a Rock & spindle.
Arn.
By your leave Gentlefolks.

Buz.
O brave, o brave.

Quic.
How now.

Tes.
What are these?

Buz.
Hack ye there, hack ye there,
O brave pipes, Hack ye there.
Hay toodle loodle loodle loo.

Qui.
What are you men or devils?

Arn.
You are advis'd enough: Sir, if you please
But to be short, I'le shew you I am a Norfolk man,
And my name is John Hulverhead.

Quic.
Hold thy peace.

Softly.
Arn.
You cannot hear o'that side it seems.

Qui.
I know thee not, not I.

Arn.
But you know my brother Matthew Hulverhead
Deceas'd, with whom you plac'd this simple child of yours.

Qui.
I plac't no childe in Norfolk, nor Suffolk nor any
Folk I—say thou mistookst me: Ile reward thee. Go.

Arn.
I cannot hear o'that ear neither, sir.

Vin.
What's the matter, Mr. Quicksands?

Ed.
Ha'you any more jeeres to put upon us? what are these?

Buz.
Hay toodle loodle loodle loo.

Qui.
Get you out of my house.

Arn.
I may not till I be righted. I come for right, and
I will have right, or the best of the Citie shall
Hear on't.

Vin.
I swear the Rascals act it handsomly.

Tes.
What art thou fellow? What dost thou seek?

Vin.
Tell that Gentleman: He is an upright Majestrate
And will see thee righted.

Arn.

I am a poor Norfolk man, sir. And I come to ease
my self of a charge, by putting off a childe nat'ral to
the natural father here.

Quic.

My child! Am I his father? Darst thou speak it.

Arn.

Be not asham'd on't, sir: You are not the first
grave and wise Citizen that has got an ideot.

Tes.
Here's good stuff towards.

Buz.
Ha, ha, ha—with a Hay toodle loodle loodle loo.

Qui.
How should I get him. I was never married till this moneth.

Arn.
How does other bawdy Batchelors get children?

Buz.
With a hay toodle loodle loodle loo, &c.

Tes.
Have you been a bastard-getter and marry my Neece.

Vin.
Now it works.

Tes.
Ile teach you to get a bastard, sirrah.

Arn.
He needs none o'your skill it seems.

Buz.
Hay toodle loodle, &c.

Qui.
Well, Gentlemen, to take your wonder off,
I will lay truth before you.
For a poor servant that I had, I undertook and paid
For keeping of an ideot.

Ed.
Who, your man Buzzard?

Qui.
Even he.

Buz.
Hay toodle loodle, &c.

Qui.
'Tis like this is the child. But for a certain sum
Which I did pay, 'twas articled, that I should nere be
Troubled with it more.

Tes.
Now what say you to that Sir?

Arn.
'Tis not denyed Sir, There was such agreement,
But now he is another kind of charge.

Vin.
Why, he gets something towards his living me thinks.

Buzzard spinns.
Ar.
Yes, he has learn'd to thrip among the Mothers;
But Sir, withal, to do more harm then good by't,
And that's the charge I speak of: we are not bound
To keep your child, and your childes children too.

Tes.
How's that?

Arn.
Sir, by his cunning at the Rock,
And twirling of his spindle on the Thrip-skins,
He has fetch'd up the bellies of sixteen
Of his Thrip-sisters.

Buz.
Hay toodle, loodle, loodle, &c.

Tes.
Is't possible.

Arn.
So well he takes after his father here it seems.

Ed.
Take heed o'that friend: you heard him say it was his mans child.

Arn.
He sha'not fright me with that, though it be
A great mans part to turn over his bastards
To his servants. I am none of his hirelings, nor
His Tenants I. But I know what I say; and I know
What I come about; and not without advise; And you
May know, that Norfolk is not without as knavish
Councel, as another County may be. Let his man Buz.
Be brought forth, and see what he will say to't.

Buz.
Hay toodle loodle, &c.

Qui.
Wretch that I was to put away that fellow!
But stay! where is my wife? my wife, my wife—

Vin.
What say you, Sir?

Qui.
My Moor I would say. Which way went my Moor?

Vin.

Your Ethiopian Princess. Nat. is gone to dance
with her in private, because you laught him out of
countenance here.

Qui.
Mischief on mischief! worse and worse I fear.

Tes.
What do you fear, why stare you? Are you frantick?

Qui.
I must have wits and fits, my fancies and fegaries.

Ed.
Your jeers upon poor Gallants.

Vin.
How do you feel your self.

Buz.
Hay toodle loodle, &c.

Arn.
Ask your father blessing Timsy.

Buz.
Hay toodle loodle, &c.

Arn.
Upon your knees man.

Buz.
Upon all my knees. A—ah. Hay toodle loodle.

Enter Nat. & Phillis pul'd in by the Moors.
Nat.
What was't to you, you slaves?
Must you be peeping.

Tes.
What's the matter now?

Nat.
What was't to you, ye Rascals?

Moor.

It is to us Sir, We were hir'd to dance and to
speak speeches; and to do the Gentleman true service in
his house: And we will not see his house made a baudy
house, and make no speech o'that.

Tes.

What is the business?

Moor.

Marry Sir a naughty business. This Gentleman
has committed a deed of darkness with your Moor, Sir;
We all saw it.

Tes.
What deed of darkness? speak it plainly.

Moor.
Darkness or lightness; call it which you will.
They have lyen together; made this same a baudy house;
How will you have it?

Qui.
Undone, most wretched. O, I am confounded.
I see no art can keep a woman honest.

Nat.
I love her, and will justifie my Act.

Phi.
And I the best of any man on earth.

Nat.
Thou speakest good English now.

Qui.
O Ruine, ruine, ruine—

Buz.
Hay toodle loodle, &c.

Vin.
Why take you on so, for an ougly feind?

Qui.
She is my wife, Gentlemen.

All.
How Sir, your wife.

Ed.
In conceit you mean.

Qui.
I say my lawful wife; your Neece; and so disguis'd
By me on purpose.

Tes.
I said he was mad before, ha, ha, ha.

Nat.
Now I applaud my act, 'twas sweet and brave.

Qui.
I'le be divorc'd before a Court in publique.

Tes.
Now will I use Authority and skill.
Friends, guard the doors. None shall depart the house.

Nat., Mun., Vin.
Content, content.

Arn.
Shall I, Sir, and my charge stay too?

Qui.
Oh—

Tes.
Marry Sir, shall you.

Buz.
I fear we shall be smoak'd then.

Arn.
No, no, fear nothing.

Tes.
You know your Chamber huswife. I'le wait o'your Master
To night. We will not part until to morrow day,
Justice and Law lights every one his way.

Vin.
Is this your merry night, Sir?

Qui.
Oh—oh—oh—o—

Ed.
Why roar you so?

Nat.
It is the Cuckolds howle. A common cry about the City.

Qui.
Oh o—

Buz.
Hay toodle loodle, &c.

Exeunt omnes.