On this occasion of the birthday
of our greatest President, Abraham
Lincoln, I would like to volunteer
my services to my country. I realize
that you have been having difficulty
finding a replacement for the
beloved director of our Selective
Service System, General Louis B.
Hershey, and I would like you to
consider me seriously for this
position. I am a white conservative
Southerner, 27 years of age, who is
a registered Democrat (voted for
Johnson in 1964 and Humphrey in
1968). I stand up firmly for and am
in sympathy with your protegee, the
Honorable Spiro Agnew. (I had a
God Bless Spiro Agnew sticker on
my Valiant back-fender until some
violent anti-war pacifist ripped it
off.) Let me discuss some of my
other qualifications. I am a member
of the turned on, tuned in, now
generation. I ride motorcycles, love
to dance to hard rock (In-a-Gadda-De-Vita
is my favorite rock tune)
and belong to a swinging sensitivity
group. I am also an expert on
computers and computer programming
which I can use to revise our
present draft system in the following
way. By using a random number
generator on a computer, we can
change the draft lottery numbers
completely every day. In this way,
all the SDS protesters who hate the
lottery will be completely confused
and those anxious souls who now
have low numbers will lose their
anxiety because no one will know
what the hell is going on. In any
event, life for the draftables will
become a little more exciting. I
would also like to mention that I
have a graduate degree in Astronomy
and by using my knowledge
of Astrology to predict forthcoming
foreign crises, we could
devise our national foreign policy in
a more satisfactory fashion than is
currently being done by Foggy
Bottom.
I will be expecting to hear from
you in a few days. Transportation
by either ram-jet helicopter or
Lincoln Continental will be satisfactory.
Thank you.
Robert J. Doyle
Grad. Arts & Sciences
