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A Sobering Thought

By Teddy D. Vaughn

WASHINGTON—The family
that imbibes together jives together.

This is the rosy pronouncement
of a report prepared by
the Co-operative Commission
on the Study of Alcoholism that
maintains that the nation's
drinking problems would be
diminished by allowing children
to drink.

Can you imagine bacchanalian
revelry right in your very own
little home, with kids being as
looped to the gills as you are?

Junior, Ten Years Old, gets
up in the morning with a hangover
probably as oppressive as
the old man's, trips to his breakfast
of Alka-Seltzer, coffee and
a cigarette. No one speaks a
word until our intrepid ten-year-old
has to go to school and asks
for martini-money.

"How much do you need,
son?"

"Ten dollars ought to hold
me for the day."

Papa looks aghast, starts to
go off on a "Why, when I was
your age" lecture but thinks
better of it. Dr. Spock had
warned him of excess.

"I cat a regular everyday
pupil-man's lunch plus two
double Beefeater martinis on the
rocks and a modest domestic
wine with the meal, nothing
ostentatious, of course. I've cut
out liqueur to save for my new
baseball glove."

Old wishy washy Daddy forks
over the money, corrects the
child on his taste in martinis,
and the ten-year-old toper hops
off to school.

On The Way Home from
school, he stops off at Ye Olde
Malte Shoppe, Barre and Grille,
(formerly Andy's Malt Shop
and Candy Store) for a quickie.
After a hard day of making decisions
like whether the answer
on a test was right or wrong,
you can't fault a child for wanting
a little snort to pick him up.

Our hero comes home and
tells' Mommy he stopped off at
the bar for a drink with Johnny.
Mommy says, "I thought I told
you not to play with him any
more. He drinks bourbon and
water."

After a few of television
and a nightcap, Junior is told
to go to bed. He stops off in
the kitchen for his nightly
Drambuie and a cookie, and
settles down for the night.