20. XX.
ORGANIZES A DEMOCRATIC CHURCH.
Wingert's Corners, June the 6th, 1863.
Nuthin hez dun so much agin the Dimokrasy
ez churches, skool-houses, Sundy-skools, preachers,
and sich. Here, our people hev awoken to the
dangerous tendencies uv sich instooshns, and
hev set about viggerously to suppress em. Ez
this work is wat my hart delites in, I organized
the pious portion uv the Dimokrasy, that we
mite do our work well and thorough. When
my jigantic intellek hez a chance, the work is
shoor to be well done, and I hev the satisfaction
uv announcin the complete destruction uv
two churches, the drivin off uv 5 preachers, and
the frightnin uv many wimin.
But my mission is not alone to tear down—I
bild up. The ijee segestid itself to my fertile
mind, that a strikly Dimekratik Church and
Sundy-skool wood not only help the cause, but
afford me an easy livin.
It wuz dun, and I am reglarly installed ez
the paster uv the First Dimekratik Church uv
Ohio.
The follerin is the order uv exercises:
1. People assemble at the second tootin uv the
horn.
2. Readin uv one uv the follerin passages uv
Skripter: 9th chapter uv Jennysis, wich relates
the cussin uv Canaan, provin that niggers is
Skriptoorally slaves; and the chapters about Hayger
and Onesimus, wich proves the Fugitive-slave
Law to be skriptooral. (The rest uv the Bible
we consider figgerative, and pay no attenshun to
it watever.)
3. Singin—“O, we 'll hang Abe Linkin on a
sour apple-tree,” or some other improvin ode,
hevin a good moral.
4. Readin extrax from the Noo York Argus.
5. Singin—“O, John Brown's body hangs a
danglin in the air.”
6. Reading from the Day-Book.
7. Lecture on watever phase uv the nigger
question may seem appropriate.
We hev also organized a Sundy-skool on a
pure basis. I spent much time in gettin up a
katekizm, uv wich the follerin is a sample:
Q. Wat is the cheef end uv man?
A. To whale niggers and vote the Dimekratik
tikkit forever.
Q. Wat do the Skripters teach?
A. That a angel sent Hayger back to her mistress;
that Paul sent Onesimus back; and “Servance
obey yure masters.”
Q. Who wuz Onesimus and Hayger?
A. Onesimus wuz a mulatter, and Hayger a
octoroon.
Q. Wat is sin?
A. Skratchin a ticket.
Q. Who compose the Dimekratik trinity?
A. Vallandigum, Brite, and Fernandywood.
Q. Wat is the first duty uv man?
A. To beware uv Ablishn lies; to rally to the
poles; to vote early; and to bring in the agid, the
infirm, and the ideotik.
To stimoolate the infant mind I hev institootid
a system uv rewards, ez follows:
For commitin 2 verses uv Vallandigum's address,
1 beer check, good at the Corners; 5 verses,
2 checks; 12 verses, 4 checks; and to the child
hevin the most verses, a copper-mounted butternut
pin.
We hed a festival yesterday. The tables wuz
bounteously spred with bolony, liver-worst, and
crackers, wile a barl uv native whisky furnisht
the flooids nessary. It wuz a tetchin site to see
the mothers, with maternal solissitood, a mixin
nacher's great restorer with water and sorgum
surup, to adapt it to the infantile stumick. Fer
my part, I alluz take mine strait.
I bleeve good will be accomplisht. Last week,
in makin a pastoral visit, jest about noon, to the
house uv wun uv my flock, who hez fine poultry,
I wuz amoosed at hearin a meer infant, only
three years uv old, swinging his little hat, and
cry, “Hooraw for Jeff Davis.” It wuz tetchin.
Pattin the little patriot on the head, I instantly
borrowd five cents uv his father to present to him.
