 | 'Twixt Kiss and Lip or Under the Sword. By the author of "Women Must Weep," [i.e. F. W. O. Ward] Third edition |  |
THE OMITTED INITIAL.
I had a friend of whom I speak
in pensive tones,
Whose honoured name was
A.B.C.D.E.F.Jones;
He was an upright man, I
never knew a better,
But fell a victim to
a miserable letter.
in pensive tones,
Whose honoured name was
A.B.C.D.E.F.Jones;
He was an upright man, I
never knew a better,
But fell a victim to
a miserable letter.
He did not pride himself
upon the gold he spent,
Or legendary glories of
a long descent;
Nor did he think it much
to rule among officials,
But on his private alphabet
of pet initials.
upon the gold he spent,
Or legendary glories of
a long descent;
Nor did he think it much
to rule among officials,
But on his private alphabet
of pet initials.
553
But even he was human, he
with all his pride,
And longed at last to place
a partner by his side;
A lady who would do some
credit to his story,
And be a kind of reflex
brightness of his glory.
with all his pride,
And longed at last to place
a partner by his side;
A lady who would do some
credit to his story,
And be a kind of reflex
brightness of his glory.
She was young of course and fair,
and had no Irish rents,
But prattled of the sweetness
of the three per cents;
She had good teeth and hair
and all her own complexion,
But was a little short of
what is called affection.
and had no Irish rents,
But prattled of the sweetness
of the three per cents;
She had good teeth and hair
and all her own complexion,
But was a little short of
what is called affection.
Though rather bothered by his
ardent looks and loves,
She owned a lady's weakness
for perfumes and gloves;
And he wooed her patiently
in high official fashion,
In hopes that she would yield
at last from mere compassion.
ardent looks and loves,
She owned a lady's weakness
for perfumes and gloves;
And he wooed her patiently
in high official fashion,
In hopes that she would yield
at last from mere compassion.
He could not give her crowns,
(there were no vacant thrones),
But could make her Mrs. A.B.
C.D.E.F.Jones;
And what woman, who had any
pity in her bowels,
Could resist that long array
of consonants and vowels?
(there were no vacant thrones),
But could make her Mrs. A.B.
C.D.E.F.Jones;
And what woman, who had any
pity in her bowels,
Could resist that long array
of consonants and vowels?
So he sent her many notes, which
had more sound than sense,
With every prefix set in all
its eloquence;
But though her maiden nose
liked well his scented paper,
She only tore it up to light
her evening taper.
had more sound than sense,
With every prefix set in all
its eloquence;
But though her maiden nose
liked well his scented paper,
She only tore it up to light
her evening taper.
But he could not work himself
up to the proper pitch,
And whenever he essayed
there always was some hitch;
For he had not yet the pluck
to make a formal offer,
Though he dwelt upon her virtues
and her golden coffer.
up to the proper pitch,
And whenever he essayed
there always was some hitch;
For he had not yet the pluck
to make a formal offer,
Though he dwelt upon her virtues
and her golden coffer.
554
So as he courage lacked to
do the needful thing,
He gave his humour play and
bought a wedding-ring;
He made upholsterers all
his cottage sweep and garnish,
And on his manners put
an extra coat of varnish.
do the needful thing,
He gave his humour play and
bought a wedding-ring;
He made upholsterers all
his cottage sweep and garnish,
And on his manners put
an extra coat of varnish.
He bought a poodle dog, a
pug, and Persian cat,
And got the latest fashion
in a beaver hat;
He even went so far, in
prospect of his marriage,
To order horses two and
the appropriate carriage.
pug, and Persian cat,
And got the latest fashion
in a beaver hat;
He even went so far, in
prospect of his marriage,
To order horses two and
the appropriate carriage.
He wrote his groomsmen's names
upon a virgin sheet,
And set a score of shoemakers
to deck his feet;
He thought of every item down
to Nubian blacking,
And all was of the best and
only one thing lacking.
upon a virgin sheet,
And set a score of shoemakers
to deck his feet;
He thought of every item down
to Nubian blacking,
And all was of the best and
only one thing lacking.
He had not yet proposed, to know
the lady's will,
For whom he thus ran up
so elegant a bill;
And though no mortal's fancy
could have been more supple,
There never was a marriage yet
without a couple.
the lady's will,
For whom he thus ran up
so elegant a bill;
And though no mortal's fancy
could have been more supple,
There never was a marriage yet
without a couple.
In vain he purchased gloves
and novelties in scents,
And practised attitudes
and sighs and blandishments;
They only gave her nose a more
celestial turning,
And added fuel to the fire
within him burning.
and novelties in scents,
And practised attitudes
and sighs and blandishments;
They only gave her nose a more
celestial turning,
And added fuel to the fire
within him burning.
And vainly in his home he
studied every style
Of courtship, that a woman's
bosom might beguile;
He knelt and made the lover's
prayer his daily portion,
And wreathed his face in every
amorous contortion.
studied every style
Of courtship, that a woman's
bosom might beguile;
He knelt and made the lover's
prayer his daily portion,
And wreathed his face in every
amorous contortion.
555
But though he writhed and put
his body out of joint,
He could not bring his courage
to the sticking point;
He only grew more limp,
invertebrate and flabby,
While his behaviour people
said was really shabby.
his body out of joint,
He could not bring his courage
to the sticking point;
He only grew more limp,
invertebrate and flabby,
While his behaviour people
said was really shabby.
At length in sheer despair
he called a helper in,
And asked how he the awful
question should begin.
His friend replied, “Would you
escape the vulgar scoffer,
Sit down at once and write a
plain and formal offer.”
he called a helper in,
And asked how he the awful
question should begin.
His friend replied, “Would you
escape the vulgar scoffer,
Sit down at once and write a
plain and formal offer.”
So down he sat and wrote,
with many sighs and groans,
And signed himself, “Your A.
B.C.D.E.F.Jones.”
Of course he talked of love
and all that sort of twaddle,
And swore, were he her husband,
he would be a model.
with many sighs and groans,
And signed himself, “Your A.
B.C.D.E.F.Jones.”
Of course he talked of love
and all that sort of twaddle,
And swore, were he her husband,
he would be a model.
Then it was sealed and sent, the
matter to illume,
And wafted to her shrine
with incense of perfume;
And every person cried, whose
judgment was of value,
“You think that you shall conquer
now, my boy, but—shall you?”
matter to illume,
And wafted to her shrine
with incense of perfume;
And every person cried, whose
judgment was of value,
“You think that you shall conquer
now, my boy, but—shall you?”
He argued to himself, that, if
his ardent love
The lady's frosty heart availed
not still to move,
She must bow humbly down,
as did his sub-officials,
To the majesty of those
invincible initials.
his ardent love
The lady's frosty heart availed
not still to move,
She must bow humbly down,
as did his sub-officials,
To the majesty of those
invincible initials.
But his logic, as he found, was
not extremely good,
And the heroine of the three
per cents. his suit withstood,
Though the ring and pug and cat,
the horses two and carriage,
And poodle, would, he hoped,
insure a happy marriage.
not extremely good,
And the heroine of the three
per cents. his suit withstood,
Though the ring and pug and cat,
the horses two and carriage,
And poodle, would, he hoped,
insure a happy marriage.
556
And though his beaver hat was
burnished more and more,
And though such boots and shoes were
never seen before,
And though upholsterers' hands
were always at his cottage,
And always on the hob boiled
the lovers' mess of pottage.
burnished more and more,
And though such boots and shoes were
never seen before,
And though upholsterers' hands
were always at his cottage,
And always on the hob boiled
the lovers' mess of pottage.
The lady would not listen
to his tender vows,
But begged to be excused and
took a trip to Cowes;
She returned his locks of hair
and notes as never dreamt he,
And the bottles of perfume, but
somehow they were empty.
to his tender vows,
But begged to be excused and
took a trip to Cowes;
She returned his locks of hair
and notes as never dreamt he,
And the bottles of perfume, but
somehow they were empty.
But he did not quite despair,
nor was his ardour less,
For he had read in novels
a lady's no meant yes;
He ordered two new coats, and
made Poole take the measures,
And wrote again at length upon
connubial pleasures.
nor was his ardour less,
For he had read in novels
a lady's no meant yes;
He ordered two new coats, and
made Poole take the measures,
And wrote again at length upon
connubial pleasures.
But the lady still was firm, and
stuck to three per cent,
And fled for refuge to the
bearded Continent;
She said that she preferred
the sweet condition single,
And knew their spirits twain,
were never meant to mingle.
stuck to three per cent,
And fled for refuge to the
bearded Continent;
She said that she preferred
the sweet condition single,
And knew their spirits twain,
were never meant to mingle.
Then as he yet pursued her
maiden path with notes,
And ordered yet from Poole
A weekly brace of coats,
And spent one day of seven
in visiting his hatter,
She saw she must be stern
and punctuate the matter.
maiden path with notes,
And ordered yet from Poole
A weekly brace of coats,
And spent one day of seven
in visiting his hatter,
She saw she must be stern
and punctuate the matter.
For she was wise and knew
wherein his weakness lay,
And what would quench his love,
as could no other way;
She wrote once more and hoped
that he would soon be better
But carefully left out his
last initial letter.
wherein his weakness lay,
And what would quench his love,
as could no other way;
She wrote once more and hoped
that he would soon be better
But carefully left out his
last initial letter.
557
Her brief epistle reached him
by the early post,
He looked at it and stared as if
he saw a ghost,
And never ate the egg that he
was calmly cracking,
For on the envelope, lo!
there was something lacking.
by the early post,
He looked at it and stared as if
he saw a ghost,
And never ate the egg that he
was calmly cracking,
For on the envelope, lo!
there was something lacking.
For she had written in her most
decisive tones,
And addressed him only as
“A.B.C.D.E. Jones;”
He could have borne a “no,” if it
were soft and tender,
Not what would rob his name of
any of its splendour.
decisive tones,
And addressed him only as
“A.B.C.D.E. Jones;”
He could have borne a “no,” if it
were soft and tender,
Not what would rob his name of
any of its splendour.
There is a certain point in all
mundane affairs,
At which the stoutest heart
at last perforce despairs;
For man must somewhere draw
the line, if (with Mercator)
He draws it large and only
stops at the Equator.
mundane affairs,
At which the stoutest heart
at last perforce despairs;
For man must somewhere draw
the line, if (with Mercator)
He draws it large and only
stops at the Equator.
He wasted then away, in spite
of every hat,
His boots and shoes and coats
the wedding-ring and cat,
The savoury pottage and
the horses two and carriage,
And the polished manners
meant to make a brilliant marriage.
of every hat,
His boots and shoes and coats
the wedding-ring and cat,
The savoury pottage and
the horses two and carriage,
And the polished manners
meant to make a brilliant marriage.
In spite of the pet pug, and the
upholsterers' sticks,
And even the poodle dog which
knew a hundred tricks,
And all the attitudes which
made him like a statue,
And the distracted eyes which
languidly looked at you.
upholsterers' sticks,
And even the poodle dog which
knew a hundred tricks,
And all the attitudes which
made him like a statue,
And the distracted eyes which
languidly looked at you.
In short he quickly died,
lamented much by all—
His creditors, who found that
his assets were small;
For since that fatal day he
never left his portal,
And why? Because the wound
he had received was mortal.
lamented much by all—
His creditors, who found that
his assets were small;
For since that fatal day he
never left his portal,
And why? Because the wound
he had received was mortal.
558
There was an inquest held upon
his blighted frame,
And the doctors all agreed
his illness had no name;
Some said that he succumbed
to dire routine official,
But most from the omission
of his sixth initial.
his blighted frame,
And the doctors all agreed
his illness had no name;
Some said that he succumbed
to dire routine official,
But most from the omission
of his sixth initial.
But his heirs redressed his wrongs
on monumental stones,
And blazoned proudly “A.B.
C.D.E.F.Jones”;
And the lady paled and pined,
as folks oppressed with sin do,
Though she set up in the Church
a chaste memorial window.
on monumental stones,
And blazoned proudly “A.B.
C.D.E.F.Jones”;
And the lady paled and pined,
as folks oppressed with sin do,
Though she set up in the Church
a chaste memorial window.
| 'Twixt Kiss and Lip or Under the Sword. By the author of "Women Must Weep," [i.e. F. W. O. Ward] Third edition | |