 | Every Man In His Humour |  |
Act IV, Scene vi
[Enter] KITELY, WELLBRED, DAME KITELY, [and] BRIDGETKITELY
Now, trust me brother, you were much to blame,
T' incense his anger, and disturb the peace
Of my poor house, where there are sentinels
That every minute watch, to give alarms
Of civil war, without adjection
Of your assistance, or occasion.
WELLBRED
No harm done, brother, I warrant you: since there is no harm done. Anger costs a man nothing; and a tall man is never his own man, till he be angry. To keep his valour in obscurity is to keep himself, as it were, in a cloak-bag. What's a musician, unless he play? What's a tall man, unless he fight? For, indeed, all this my wise brother stands upon, absolutely; and that made me fall in with him so resolutely.
DAME KITELY
Aye, but what harm might have come of it, brother?
WELLBRED
Might, sister? So, might the good warm clothes your husband wears be poisoned, for anything he knows; or the wholesome wine he drunk, even now, at the table-
KITELY
[Aside]
Now, God forbid: oh me. Now I remember,
My wife drunk to me, last; and changed the cup;
And bade me wear this cursed suit today.
See if heav'n suffer murder undiscovered!
[To BRIDGET]
I feel me ill: give me some mithridate,
Some mithridate and oil, good sister, fetch me;
Oh, I am sick at heart! I burn, I burn.
If you will save my life, go, fetch it me.
WELLBRED
Oh, strange humour! My very breath has poisoned him.
BRIDGET
Good brother, be content, what do you mean?
The strength of these extreme conceits will kill you.
DAME KITELY
Beshrew your heart-blood, brother Wellbred, now,
For putting such a toy into his head.
WELLBRED
Is a fit simile, a toy? Will he be poisoned with a simile? Brother Kitely, what a strange and idle imagination is this? For shame, be wiser. O' my soul, there's no such matter.
KITELY
Am I not sick? How am I, then, not poisoned?
Am I not poisoned? How am I, then, so sick?
DAME KITELY
If you be sick, your own thoughts make you sick.
WELLBRED
His jealousy is the poison he has taken.
[Enter] BRAINWORM. He comes disguised like Justice Clement's man [Formal]BRAINWORM
Master Kitely, my master, Justice Clement, salutes you; and desires to speak with you, with all possible speed.
KITELY
No time but now? When, I think, I am sick? Very sick!
Well, I will wait upon his worship. Thomas! Cob! [Aside]
I must seek them out, and set 'em sentinels, till I
return. Thomas! Cob! Thomas! [Exit]
WELLBRED
[Takes BRAINWORM aside]
This is perfectly rare, Brainworm! But how got'st
thou this apparel, of the Justice's man?
BRAINWORM
Marry sir, my proper fine pen-man would needs bestow the grist o' me, at the Windmill, to hear some martial discourse, where so I marshalled him that I made him drunk with admiration! And, because too much heat was the cause of his distemper, I stripped him stark naked, as he lay along asleep, and borrowed his suit, to deliver this counterfeit message in, leaving a rusty armour and an old brown bill to watch him, till my return; which shall be, when I ha' pawned his apparel, and spent the better part o' the money, perhaps.
WELLBRED
Well, thou art a successful merry knave, Brainworm, his absence will be a good subject for more mirth. I pray thee, return to thy young master, and will him to meet me, and my sister Bridget, at the Tower instantly: for here, tell him, the house is so stored with jealousy, there is no room for love to stand upright in. We must get our fortunes committed to some larger prison, say; and, than the Tower, I know no better air; nor where the liberty of the house may do us more present service. Away.
[Exit BRAINWORM][Enter KITELY and CASH]
KITELY
Come hither, Thomas. Now, my secret's ripe,
And thou shalt have it: lay to both thine ears.
Hark what I say to thee. I must go forth, Thomas.
Be careful of thy promise, keep good watch,
Note every gallant, and observe him well,
That enters in my absence, to thy mistress:
If she would show him rooms, the jest is stale,
Follow 'em, Thomas, or else hang on him,
And let him not go after; mark their looks;
Note if she offer but to see his band,
Or any other amorous toy, about him;
But praise his leg, or foot; or if she say,
The day is hot, and bid him feel her hand,
How hot it is: oh, that's a monstrous thing!
Note me all this, good Thomas, mark their sighs,
And, if they do but whisper, break 'em off:
I'll bear thee out in it. Wilt thou do this?
Wilt thou be true, my Thomas?
CASH
As truth's self, sir.
KITELY
Why, I believe thee; where is Cob, now? Cob? [Exit]
DAME KITELY
He's ever calling for Cob! I wonder how he employs Cob so!
WELLBRED
Indeed, sister, to ask how he employs Cob is a necessary question for you, that are his wife, and a thing not very easy for you to be satisfied in; but this I'll assure you, Cob's wife is an excellent bawd, sister, and oftentimes your husband haunts her house, marry, to what end, I cannot altogether accuse him, imagine you what you think convenient. But, I have known fair hides have foul hearts ere now, sister.
DAME KITELY
Never said you truer than that, brother, so much I can tell you for your learning. Thomas, fetch your cloak, and go with me, I'll after him presently.
[Exit CASH]I would to fortune I could take him there, i' faith. I'd return him his own, I warrant
him.
[Exit]
WELLBRED
So, let 'em go: this may make sport anon. Now, my fair sister-in-law, that you knew but how happy a thing it were to be fair and beautiful!
BRIDGET
That touches not me, brother.
WELLBRED
That's true; that's even the fault of it: for, indeed, beauty stands a woman in no stead, unless it procure her touching. But, sister, whether it touch you or no, it touches your beauties; and I am sure they will abide the touch. An' they do not, a plague of all ceruse, say I; and it touches me too in part, though not in the-Well, there's a dear and respected friend of mine, sister, stands very strongly, and worthily affected toward you, and hath vowed to inflame whole bonfires of zeal, at his heart, in honour of your perfections. I have already engaged my promise to bring you where you shall hear him confirm much more. Ned Knowell is the man, sister. There's no exception against the party. You are ripe for a husband; and a minute's loss to such an occasion is a great trespass in a wise beauty. What say you, sister? On my soul he loves you. Will you give him the meeting?
BRIDGET
Faith, I had very little confidence in mine own constancy, brother, if I durst not meet a man; but this motion of yours savours of an old knight-adventurer's servant a little too much, methinks.
WELLBRED
What's that, sister?
BRIDGET
Marry, of the squire.
WELLBRED
No matter if it did, I would be such an one for my friend, but see who is returned to hinder us?
[Enter KITELY]KITELY
What villainy is this? Called out on a false message? This was some plot! I was not sent for. Bridget, where's your sister?
BRIDGET
I think she be gone forth, sir.
KITELY
How! Is my wife gone forth? Whither, for God's sake?
BRIDGET
She's gone abroad with Thomas.
KITELY
Abroad with Thomas? Oh, that villain dors me.
He hath discovered all unto my wife!
Beast that I was to trust him; whither, I pray you, went she?
BRIDGET
I know not, sir.
WELLBRED
I'll tell you, brother, whither I suspect she's gone.
KITELY
Whither, good brother?
WELLBRED
To Cob's house, I believe; but, keep my counsel.
KITELY
I will, I will; to Cob's house? Doth she haunt Cob's?
She's gone a' purpose, now, to cuckold me,
With that lewd rascal, who, to win her favour,
Hath told her all. [Exit]
WELLBRED
Come, he's once more gone.
Sister, let's lose no time: th' affair is worth it.
[Exeunt]
| Every Man In His Humour | |