Lost Bab ballads By W. S. Gilbert: Collected, edited and illustrated by Townley Searle |
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THE VARIABLE BABY |
 | Lost Bab ballads |  |
90
THE VARIABLE BABY
There never was a man
Who studied more minutely
His very simplest plan
Than Jeremiah Stutely.
Who studied more minutely
His very simplest plan
Than Jeremiah Stutely.
The smallest of his schemes,
(As I've already stated)
And all his wildest dreams,
Were equally debated.
(As I've already stated)
And all his wildest dreams,
Were equally debated.
But, ah! of all the host
Of social cons that harry,
This con perplexed him most,
“Shall I do well to marry?”
Of social cons that harry,
This con perplexed him most,
“Shall I do well to marry?”
91
For A. espoused a wife
Young, lovely, and with money,
And people thought their life
Would be one moon of honey.
Young, lovely, and with money,
And people thought their life
Would be one moon of honey.
But, ah! before a year
O'er life's rough road they'd jolted,
With some disgraceful peer
Good Mrs. A. had bolted.
O'er life's rough road they'd jolted,
With some disgraceful peer
Good Mrs. A. had bolted.
While B., whose wife is plain,
Poor, cross, and half-demented,
Seems always, in the main,
Exceedingly contented.
Poor, cross, and half-demented,
Seems always, in the main,
Exceedingly contented.
But there is C., his joy,
(His wife, a year united,
Has given him a boy
And C. is quite delighted.)
(His wife, a year united,
Has given him a boy
And C. is quite delighted.)
And Stutely sees his pride,
And thinks it pleasant, rather,
(And also dignified)
To be a baby's father.
And thinks it pleasant, rather,
(And also dignified)
To be a baby's father.
“But ah!” thinks he, “perhaps
This baby, full of graces,
May prove the worst of chaps,
And have the worst of faces!
This baby, full of graces,
May prove the worst of chaps,
And have the worst of faces!
“To-day's bright source of joy
May joyless be to-morrow,
And this much-cherished boy
May bring his parents sorrow!
May joyless be to-morrow,
And this much-cherished boy
May bring his parents sorrow!
92
“I'll see how he turns out,
His parents' care rewarding,
A Crichton or a lout,
And I'll be ruled according.
His parents' care rewarding,
A Crichton or a lout,
And I'll be ruled according.
“If Baby turns out well,
I certainly will marry—
If Baby proves a sell,
A bachelor I'll tarry!”
I certainly will marry—
If Baby proves a sell,
A bachelor I'll tarry!”
Now, Baby's good as gold,
With cheeks as red as roses,
And Stutely (rather old)
To some fair maid proposes:
With cheeks as red as roses,
And Stutely (rather old)
To some fair maid proposes:
Now, Baby's cross and cries,
And won't let Nursey clean it;
And Stutely seeks his prize,
And says he didn't mean it.
And won't let Nursey clean it;
And Stutely seeks his prize,
And says he didn't mean it.
Well, Baby, fat and bluff,
And first-rate health enjoying—
Is sometimes good enough,
And sometimes most annoying.
And first-rate health enjoying—
Is sometimes good enough,
And sometimes most annoying.
And S., with puzzled fate,
Immediate marriage throws up,
And thinks he'd better wait
And see how Baby grows up.
Immediate marriage throws up,
And thinks he'd better wait
And see how Baby grows up.
When Baby grows a lad
No rule of conduct stops him;
And when extremely bad,
His father comes and whops him.
No rule of conduct stops him;
And when extremely bad,
His father comes and whops him.
93
And Stutely says with joy,
“I'm glad I thought of stopping;
I couldn't whop a boy,
And boys want lots of whopping!”
“I'm glad I thought of stopping;
I couldn't whop a boy,
And boys want lots of whopping!”
When Baby grows a man
He takes to serious teaching;
And later on, began
A course of highway preaching.
He takes to serious teaching;
And later on, began
A course of highway preaching.
And Stutely cries “Well done!
A credit to his mother!
That's something like a son—
I wish I'd such another!”
A credit to his mother!
That's something like a son—
I wish I'd such another!”
And Instinct whispers “Mate!
You're wasting time, you gaby!”
But Prudence whispers “Wait!
And see what comes of Baby!”
You're wasting time, you gaby!”
But Prudence whispers “Wait!
And see what comes of Baby!”
And Prudence gains the day,
For Baby takes to orgies:
He seeks the sinner's way,
And finally he forges.
For Baby takes to orgies:
He seeks the sinner's way,
And finally he forges.
And Baby, for his crime,
Is numbered, shaved and sorted,
And to a penal clime
Is carefully transported.
Is numbered, shaved and sorted,
And to a penal clime
Is carefully transported.
And Stutely shakes his head,
And says he's glad he tarried;
And Stutely's still unwed,
And means to die unmarried.
And says he's glad he tarried;
And Stutely's still unwed,
And means to die unmarried.
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