 | Vulgar Verses |  |
119
Happy Ned.
My name was Elizabeth Taylor;
But, bless you, I've long been a man.
I served in the fleet as a sailor
When the war o' Secession began;
But, bless you, I've long been a man.
I served in the fleet as a sailor
When the war o' Secession began;
I fought for the North like a good un,
Though I wasn't a Yankee mysel';
And why it all ended so sudden
I'm dash'd if I ever could tell!
Though I wasn't a Yankee mysel';
And why it all ended so sudden
I'm dash'd if I ever could tell!
But I was a gallant young party,
Broadshoulder'd and lusty and strong:
Not one o' my mates was as hearty
At a pipe and a glass and a song.
Broadshoulder'd and lusty and strong:
Not one o' my mates was as hearty
At a pipe and a glass and a song.
Not one, if I says it, was bolder
When a job o' warm work was to do;
And at drill I stood shoulder to shoulder
Wi' the stoutest and best o' the crew.
When a job o' warm work was to do;
And at drill I stood shoulder to shoulder
Wi' the stoutest and best o' the crew.
Eh! I hated the work o' the women—
A-wastin' the best o' their days
In nursin' an' sewin' and trimmin'—
Such finikin fidfaddle ways!
A-wastin' the best o' their days
In nursin' an' sewin' and trimmin'—
Such finikin fidfaddle ways!
120
No, I never was much like a woman,
Except for a good-looking face;
And that's right enough, for there's no man
As reckons good looks a disgrace.
Except for a good-looking face;
And that's right enough, for there's no man
As reckons good looks a disgrace.
So the best of it was, if they'd caught me,
Them rebels, that time o' the war,
There's never a man would ha' thought me
Aught else but a jolly young tar.
Them rebels, that time o' the war,
There's never a man would ha' thought me
Aught else but a jolly young tar.
Howsomever, I miss'd my promotion;
I was only a common A.B.
When peace settled down on the ocean,
And fighting was over for me.
I was only a common A.B.
When peace settled down on the ocean,
And fighting was over for me.
Still, I'd saved a small few o' the shiners;
And I made for the land o' my birth
As a seaman in one o' them liners
As knows what a seaman is worth.
And I made for the land o' my birth
As a seaman in one o' them liners
As knows what a seaman is worth.
They ax'd me to stop, but I wouldn't;
When once I was back o'er the main,
I couldn't abide, no I couldn't,
But I must see the old folks again.
When once I was back o'er the main,
I couldn't abide, no I couldn't,
But I must see the old folks again.
So I tramp'd right away into Cheshire
Wi' my savings rigg'd up i' my belt;
And, my word, but that tramp was a pleasure—
So hearty and handy I felt!
Wi' my savings rigg'd up i' my belt;
And, my word, but that tramp was a pleasure—
So hearty and handy I felt!
121
I come to my father's old cottage,
And there was my mother a-sot
By the hearth, wi' a sup of good pottage
A-standin' beside her, all hot.
And there was my mother a-sot
By the hearth, wi' a sup of good pottage
A-standin' beside her, all hot.
“Will ye share, ma'am,” I says, “wi' a stranger,
A sailor lad, fresh fro' the wars,
As has seen a good handful o' danger
Among yon American tars?”
A sailor lad, fresh fro' the wars,
As has seen a good handful o' danger
Among yon American tars?”
She put on her glasses, did mother,
An' look'd at my face an' my limbs;
And for sure I'm a deal like my brother,
Though I haven't a beard like our Jim's:
An' look'd at my face an' my limbs;
And for sure I'm a deal like my brother,
Though I haven't a beard like our Jim's:
Then says mother, “If thou had a sister
I could a'most a swore it was Liz!”
And wi' that, I went up an' I kiss'd her,
“Well, mother,” I says, “and it is!”
I could a'most a swore it was Liz!”
And wi' that, I went up an' I kiss'd her,
“Well, mother,” I says, “and it is!”
Eh! she laugh'd an' she cried an' she fretted,
To see me turn'd into a man;
An' I did feel ashamed to be petted
As if I was a gell like poor Nan.
To see me turn'd into a man;
An' I did feel ashamed to be petted
As if I was a gell like poor Nan.
“Nay, mother,” I says, “thou mun drop it,
Or else thou'll be t'death o' poor me!
For I isn't a child nor a poppet,
But a regular season'd A.B.
Or else thou'll be t'death o' poor me!
For I isn't a child nor a poppet,
But a regular season'd A.B.
122
“But however,” I says, “an' how's father?
How's Jim, an' our Nancy, an' all?
An' tell me first off, for I'd rather,
Is there any good news o' Jack Hall?”
How's Jim, an' our Nancy, an' all?
An' tell me first off, for I'd rather,
Is there any good news o' Jack Hall?”
“Why,” says mother, “there's news, but it's baddish;
Jack's never a sweetheart for thee;
He's as poor an' as lean as a radish,
An' he's off wi' that flighty Nan Lee!”
Jack's never a sweetheart for thee;
He's as poor an' as lean as a radish,
An' he's off wi' that flighty Nan Lee!”
Well, that give me a few little twitches—
Same kind as I had long afore;
An' thinks I, then I'll stick to my breeches,
An' never ha' sweetheart no more.
Same kind as I had long afore;
An' thinks I, then I'll stick to my breeches,
An' never ha' sweetheart no more.
For me an' Jack Hall was like brothers—
I mean we was sweethearts an' pals,
Till I found as he'd gotten three others—
One Polly, an' two little Sals!
I mean we was sweethearts an' pals,
Till I found as he'd gotten three others—
One Polly, an' two little Sals!
An' that's why I went for a sailor,
An' that's why I sail'd right away;
As he never should think Lizzie Taylor
Was a fool an' a fondhead like they.
An' that's why I sail'd right away;
As he never should think Lizzie Taylor
Was a fool an' a fondhead like they.
Yet still, if he'd come to his senses,
I'd ha' took to him easy again;
I'd ha' paid for our wedding expenses—
For I was a young un, an' fain.
I'd ha' took to him easy again;
I'd ha' paid for our wedding expenses—
For I was a young un, an' fain.
123
But no—when I heerd o' such doin's,
I settled to stick to my plan;
To ha' done wi' all weddin's an' wooin's,
An' fend for mysel' like a man.
I settled to stick to my plan;
To ha' done wi' all weddin's an' wooin's,
An' fend for mysel' like a man.
Poor mother did worrit me sadly,
An' father was at me as well;
They all on 'em wanted me badly
For to dress mysel' up like a gell.
An' father was at me as well;
They all on 'em wanted me badly
For to dress mysel' up like a gell.
Says mother, “Thou looks like a actor—
An', lord, how the neighbours 'll stare!
Do think o' thy honest charackter,
An' think o' thy bonny brown hair!”
An', lord, how the neighbours 'll stare!
Do think o' thy honest charackter,
An' think o' thy bonny brown hair!”
“Why, mother,” I says, “my charackter
'S honest as ever it were;
An' I should look a pretty play-actor
If I'd gotten a woman's long hair.
'S honest as ever it were;
An' I should look a pretty play-actor
If I'd gotten a woman's long hair.
“What, me in a frock o' pink cotton,
What, me in a bonnet and shawl?
I'd as lief lie in dock till I'm rotten,
Or sink to the bottom—that's all!
What, me in a bonnet and shawl?
I'd as lief lie in dock till I'm rotten,
Or sink to the bottom—that's all!
“But one thing I'll do for to please ye;
I'll stop, if there's work to be had:
An' I won't neither worry nor tease ye,
If ye'll nobbut just call me ‘my lad.’”
I'll stop, if there's work to be had:
An' I won't neither worry nor tease ye,
If ye'll nobbut just call me ‘my lad.’”
124
Well, they had to give in, willy-nilly,
Though they call'd it a sin an' a shame;
An' some folks made out I was silly,
An' some said I wasn't to blame;
Though they call'd it a sin an' a shame;
An' some folks made out I was silly,
An' some said I wasn't to blame;
An' some, when I went to the Dragon,
Was saucy as saucy could be:
They thought they'd ha' summat to brag on,
If they lick'd a stout feller like me.
Was saucy as saucy could be:
They thought they'd ha' summat to brag on,
If they lick'd a stout feller like me.
Aye, some on 'em look'd to ha' do'd it—
They call'd me a seagull o' shore!
But I show'd 'em my arm, an' they rued it,
An' they never got saucy no more.
They call'd me a seagull o' shore!
But I show'd 'em my arm, an' they rued it,
An' they never got saucy no more.
But once (it's a anecdote, this is)
Right under the Rectory wall
I met a young chap wi' his missis,
An' who should it be but Jack Hall!
Right under the Rectory wall
I met a young chap wi' his missis,
An' who should it be but Jack Hall!
“Hollo!” I says, “mate, I'm a sailor,
An' you've got a smart little wife:
Do you know one Elizabeth Taylor,
As you promised to stand by for life?
An' you've got a smart little wife:
Do you know one Elizabeth Taylor,
As you promised to stand by for life?
“Then, why did ye go for to leave her?
An' why did ye marry Nan Lee?
You're nowt but a lying deceiver,
An' so says her brother—that's me!”
An' why did ye marry Nan Lee?
You're nowt but a lying deceiver,
An' so says her brother—that's me!”
125
Well, afore he'd got time for to answer,
I'd planted my left in his gob;
An' I cut him adrift from his Nan, sir,
Wi' a straight un, right on to his nob.
I'd planted my left in his gob;
An' I cut him adrift from his Nan, sir,
Wi' a straight un, right on to his nob.
It's true, he come up for another—
But he got it again with a whiz;
For I felt as I was my own brother,
A-takin' the part o' poor Liz.
But he got it again with a whiz;
For I felt as I was my own brother,
A-takin' the part o' poor Liz.
An' the thing as most tickled my fancy,
An' set me to give it him hot,
Was to see how that smart little Nancy
Did scream at the licking he got.
An' set me to give it him hot,
Was to see how that smart little Nancy
Did scream at the licking he got.
For I gi'ed him a pretty good thrashing;
An' didn't they laugh at him well,
When they heerd as he'd got such a bashing
Off Elizabeth Taylor hersel'!
An' didn't they laugh at him well,
When they heerd as he'd got such a bashing
Off Elizabeth Taylor hersel'!
So that was the top o' my glory;
For every one know'd what I'd done,
And when they all heerd o' the story,
They settled to leave me alone.
For every one know'd what I'd done,
And when they all heerd o' the story,
They settled to leave me alone.
I got a good place as a carter;
An' maybe I might ha' done well,
But I seed what young master was arter,
Though I wasn't that mean as to tell.
An' maybe I might ha' done well,
But I seed what young master was arter,
Though I wasn't that mean as to tell.
126
He catch'd me one day in the stable,
A-fettlin' my two bonny teams;
An' says he, “Lad, thou's willin' an' able—
But thou's not such a man as thou seems!”
A-fettlin' my two bonny teams;
An' says he, “Lad, thou's willin' an' able—
But thou's not such a man as thou seems!”
Says I, “I's as much of a man, sir,
As ever a carter need be;
An' I think it's your likeliest plan, sir,
Not to ax for no change out o' me;
As ever a carter need be;
An' I think it's your likeliest plan, sir,
Not to ax for no change out o' me;
“For why, I'm a bit of a bruiser;
An' if there was ever a call,
I should maybe be even wi' you, sir,
The same as I was wi' Jack Hall!”
An' if there was ever a call,
I should maybe be even wi' you, sir,
The same as I was wi' Jack Hall!”
Then I faced him, my hand i' my pocket,
An' whistled a bit of a stave;
An' that sent him off like a rocket—
The lubberly cowardly knave!
An' whistled a bit of a stave;
An' that sent him off like a rocket—
The lubberly cowardly knave!
But, thinks I, he's in one of his rages;
I'll awand him, he'll get me the sack!
So I did up my kit an' my wages,
An' went—an' I never come back.
I'll awand him, he'll get me the sack!
So I did up my kit an' my wages,
An' went—an' I never come back.
I'd a stout pair o' corduroy breeches,
An' my jacket hung up by the stall;
An' a waistcoat—red plush wi' blue stitches—
An' a tidy smock frock over all:
An' my jacket hung up by the stall;
An' a waistcoat—red plush wi' blue stitches—
An' a tidy smock frock over all:
127
An' I took 'em, an' went on the sudden
To where they was making the line;
An' they give me a job, an' a good un,
Just right for a sperrit like mine.
To where they was making the line;
An' they give me a job, an' a good un,
Just right for a sperrit like mine.
For they took me to work as a navvy;
An' that's an uncommon nice trade
For them as is strong, an' can savvy
To handle the barrow and spade.
An' that's an uncommon nice trade
For them as is strong, an' can savvy
To handle the barrow and spade.
I liked it; it's hard an' it's clarty,
But then it's so healthy and free!
An' my mates, they was rough uns but hearty,
An' they none on 'em meddled wi' me.
But then it's so healthy and free!
An' my mates, they was rough uns but hearty,
An' they none on 'em meddled wi' me.
They thought me a decent young feller;
An' the woman as brought us wer teas,
My patience, what tales I did tell her
O' the life I had led on the seas!
An' the woman as brought us wer teas,
My patience, what tales I did tell her
O' the life I had led on the seas!
So I was well liked an' respected—
An' that's what a sailor enjoys;
For I hate to be glum an' dejected,
An' I do love a bit of a noise.
An' that's what a sailor enjoys;
For I hate to be glum an' dejected,
An' I do love a bit of a noise.
They took to me 'cause I was jolly,
An' cause I'd a-been in the wars;
An' they said—aye, an' so did old Molly—
As I was the prince o' Jack tars.
An' cause I'd a-been in the wars;
An' they said—aye, an' so did old Molly—
As I was the prince o' Jack tars.
128
An' that's how I come by my name then,
A name as is pretty well known;
I reckon I'm not much to blame then,
If I've took it instead o' my own.
A name as is pretty well known;
I reckon I'm not much to blame then,
If I've took it instead o' my own.
Happy Ned was the name as they give me—
I like it—it's honest an' plain;
I like it, and nothing 'ull drive me
To Elizabeth Taylor again!
I like it—it's honest an' plain;
I like it, and nothing 'ull drive me
To Elizabeth Taylor again!
For I sticks to the plank an' the barrow—
I sticks to the pickaxe an' spade:
I can plough, I can reap, I can harrow,
But a navvy's the chief o' my trade.
I sticks to the pickaxe an' spade:
I can plough, I can reap, I can harrow,
But a navvy's the chief o' my trade.
An' if you've a sweetheart as grieves you,
An' won't do his duty at all,
But frets you an' flouts you an leaves you,
Like I'd to put up wi' Jack Hall,
An' won't do his duty at all,
But frets you an' flouts you an leaves you,
Like I'd to put up wi' Jack Hall,
Why, don't shilly shally with sorrow,
Don't whimper an' wheedle an' whine,
But mak' yoursel easy, an' borrow
A stout pair o' breeches like mine;
Don't whimper an' wheedle an' whine,
But mak' yoursel easy, an' borrow
A stout pair o' breeches like mine;
Aye, borrow a waistcoat an' jacket,
An' rig yoursel' out like a man!
If ye've nobbut got strength for to back it,
You'll find that's the very best plan.
An' rig yoursel' out like a man!
If ye've nobbut got strength for to back it,
You'll find that's the very best plan.
129
An' when you ha' gi'en him a dressin',
An' basted him well for his pains,
You'll know as your fists is a blessin'
As solid an' good as your brains;
An' basted him well for his pains,
You'll know as your fists is a blessin'
As solid an' good as your brains;
You'll know it's a deal more delightful
To stick to a labourer's life
Nor to live with a chap as is spiteful
By reason you're nobbut his wife.
To stick to a labourer's life
Nor to live with a chap as is spiteful
By reason you're nobbut his wife.
Note.—Elizabeth Taylor was born at the village of Penketh, near Warrington, in Lancashire, and died, aged fifty-six, at Warrington, and was buried at Great Sankey, near Warrington, on the 5th of September 1887. For her adventures as a sailor and farm labourer and navvy, see the Warrington newspapers of September 1887, and see also Notes and Queries of December 1887.
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