University of Virginia Library

Lopatkiewics & Yates

The Bankruptcy Of
The Silent Majority

The other day we decided to get
out of the Silent Majority and went
bankrupt in the process.

Gratefully enlightened by Attorney
General Mitchell to the fact
that Mr. Nixon's Tongue-Tied Supporters
were being sinisterly subverted
by deaf-mute agents of
Moscow, we decided to get out
while the getting was good. The
evidence of subversion is all around
us: the Silent Majority is doomed
to extinction. After all, every time
a member opens his mouth, he
automatically disqualified himself
from it. (Last week, Pat Nixon's
mother walked into the Death
Valley A&P and asked for a day-old
eggplant and immediately lost her
membership.)

Not Idle

We weren't about to stand idly
by and watch the Silent Majority
crumble into countless vocal
minorities around us. Determined,
as always, to come out on the
winning side (we even voted for
Lyndon in 1964), we realized it just
wouldn't do to get caught with our
pants down in a Silent Majority.

Having flat feet, although we
never could convince Ex-General
Hershey of the fact (he is reputed
to be a member of the Blind
Minority), we classified ourselves
4-F and unfit for placard carrying
in either direction in Washington.
We didn't feel this stand to be in
the least bit hypocritical as we had
also refused induction by the
Martin Luther King Chapter of the
Daughters of the War Between the
States to join their Veteran's Day
bus roll from Crozet to Washington
which kicked off the "Impeach
Warren Burger" movement.

Advertise Withdrawal

Following the example of the
Dallas-based "United We Stand"
patriots, we decided to take out
full-page ads in 250 newspapers
across the country to silently
announce our withdrawal from the
ranks of the speechless. Unlike the
Texas tycoons, however, we were
caught unaware of the impressive
effect which LBJ's major contribution
to the economy - inflation -
had had on the column inch rates
of the nation's press. The advertising
charges for the Scottsville
afternoon tabloid, for example,
have rocketed to $1.50 a page. The
bills started arriving this morning
and we had to stop payment after
the Montgomery Justice-Courier.

We felt, however, that our
efforts had hit home when we
received a phone-call from the
White House. It was the president
to inform us that our withdrawal
had been duty noted.

We asked the president how
much of an effect our move had
had on him.

There was an indifferent snort
and he replied, "What kind of
influence could you possibly have
on national policy without any
money?"

Check Your Pockets

The only lesson we can pass on
from our experience is that if you
want to get out of the Silent
Majority silently, make sure that
your minority is large enough to
afford it.