University of Virginia Library

On Conveyor Belts

May I suggest that the next
construction project at the University
be the installation of a conveyor
belt-escalator in Cabell Hall
Auditorium for the convenience of
the transient majority of the spectators.
In a democracy, their rights
should not be ignored. Why should
the latecomers be forced to cross
half the auditorium, then climb over
multitudes of people, to find a
seat which they may well occupy
for only 10 or 15 minutes? And
why should the early leavers have
to accomplish the same task in
reverse?

If they merely stood on the conveyor
belt, admittedly the continuity
of the performance might
be somewhat broken for them,
but their overall participation
would be unchanged. I feel that this
system would be greatly appreciated
by the transient and
stationary audience alike, with the
possible exception of those in the
front row balcony and those who
take this occasion for their daily
health walk. (Perhaps one aisle
could be left open for them).

Should this scheme prove too
costly, an alternative plan would
be to schedule only musical events
there. The school could save vast
sums by having the transients supply
the percussive element.

They might need a pre-performance
rehearsal, but I think the
sprightly click-click-click of high
heels on the floor, the stately
baroom-baroom of climbing over
knees, the climactic plop into the
seat, and the ternary flip of the
seat at leave-taking could effectively
be orchestrated into most compositions.