The Delights of the Bottle or, The Compleat Vintner. With the Humours of Bubble Upstarts. Stingy Wranglers. Dinner Spungers. Jill Tiplers. Beef Beggars. Cook Teasers. Pan Soppers. Plate Twirlers. Table Whitlers. Drawer Biters. Spoon Pinchers. And other Tavern Tormenters. A Merry Poem. To which is added, A South-Sea Song upon the late Bubbles. By the Author of the Cavalcade [i.e. Edward Ward] |
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| I. |
| II. | CANTO II.
The Compleat Vintner.
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| III. |
| IV. |
 | The Delights of the Bottle |  |
CANTO II. The Compleat Vintner.
In Ages past liv'd many ScoresOf Sages, call'd Philosophers,
Who wisely judg'd of this and that,
And taught their Foll'wers what was what;
Some fam'd for Patience in Affliction,
Some, for close Study and Restriction,
Some, for contempt of Pain and Pleasure,
Some, for despising worldly Treasure,
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Some, for much Weeping, some for Laughing,
Some, for their snarling at their Betters,
Others, for being Woman-haters,
Some, for the useful Books they've writ,
And others, for sarcastick Wit,
All aiming, in those Halcyon Days,
To please themselves, tho' diff'rent ways,
And to encrease their foll'wing Crowds,
That almost worship'd 'em as Gods.
But he that's an adopted Son
Of Bacchus, and attends the Tun,
Must be as wise, or wiser rather,
Than all these Sages put together;
They only pleas'd their own ill-nature,
But He has all the World to flatter,
The Proud, the Surly, and the Peevish,
The Rich, the Scoundrel, and the Knavish,
The Learn'd, the Wise, the Grave and Dull
The Wit, the Spendthrift Prodigal,
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The odious Wrangler and the Carper,
The Rake, the Gamester and the Bully,
The Prig, the common Jilt, the Cully,
The saving Hunx, and ev'ry base
Ill Temper found in humane Race.
Jove, therefore, at the Intercession
Of Bacchus, gave to the Profession
Of Vintners, the mutative Pow'r
That Proteus had in Times of Yore,
By which they change their humane Shapes,
For Int'rest sake, from Men to Apes,
Or whatsoe'er will best agree
With this or that Fool's Company,
Nor is't their Fault to thus submit
Themselves, to others want of Wit,
The failing is in those proud Asses,
That Lord it too much o'er their Glasses,
And want the Vintner to behave
Himself more cringing than a Slave,
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His Patience and Humility.
So City-Upstart, proudly Rich,
With Negro Lacquay at his Breech,
Oft turns about, for this or that,
To make the Puppy d'off his Hat,
And show, by humble Scrapes and Bends,
Who 'tis the Collar'd Slave attends.
When Jolly Mortals meet to fuddle,
With Negro Lacquay at his Breech,
Oft turns about, for this or that,
To make the Puppy d'off his Hat,
And show, by humble Scrapes and Bends,
Who 'tis the Collar'd Slave attends.
And fillip Nature on the Noddle,
Men of good Manners and good Sense,
That neither give, nor take Offence,
But kindly use the same Respect
To others, as themselves exact,
The Vint'ner then throws off the poor
Disguise, that humour'd Fools before,
And, reassuming his own Nature,
Like Linco, is another Creature.
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Appears in all he does or says,
The best of Wines he sends or brings
And treats his noble Friends like Kings,
Enters the Room with comely Grace,
And puts on such a Cherub's Face,
So plump, so smiling, and as pleasant,
As that the God of Wine was present;
And if, when ask'd, domestick Care
Will suff'r'im to assume a Chair,
Such Guests will in his Carriage see
The utmost Affability.
Just so, the Wit, to make his Game
With noisy Fools, will seem the same;
But when he meets with Men of Parts,
Himself he gen'rously exerts.
When Youngsters, govern'd by no Rules,
With noisy Fools, will seem the same;
But when he meets with Men of Parts,
Himself he gen'rously exerts.
Just rescu'd from their Country Schools,
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Which they too early spend in Wine,
Or lose in Gaming, which is worse,
And more destructive to the Purse;
I say, when these young callow Blades,
Hugg'd by their Mothers and their Maids,
At Tavern meet, to sing and roar,
The Song of black-ey'd Susan o'er
Or join their Tongues to please their Ears
With Lev'ridge's Philosophers.
Who ow'd their Wisdom to the Bottle,
From Thalis, down to Aristotle;
For these unbridl'd pamper'd Heirs,
As wild as Colts and rude as Bears,
The Vint'ner has a Face and Mien
Peculiar, which are seldom seen,
But when such Boys their Money spend,
As love to make their Elders bend.
So have I known the hoary Head,
In Science learn'd, profoundly read,
Bow low to empty Fools for Bread.
In Science learn'd, profoundly read,
Bow low to empty Fools for Bread.
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Who crave more Wine than they can bear,
Yet hate, when drunk, to pay or spend
Their equal Club, or Dividend,
But wrangle, when the Bill is brought,
And think they're cheated, when they're not,
Insult the Master, damn the Bar,
Abuse the Wine, belye the Draw'r,
And make more Mischief at one Meeting,
Than twenty Bullies at a sitting;
The Vint'ner, when he's thus perplex'd,
Must form a Temper, tho' he's vex'd,
And, by the Pow'r of Transformation,
Divest himself of Gall and Passion,
Then, by some Hocus Pocus slight,
Convince 'em that the Reck'ning's right,
Amuse 'em with an odd Deportment,
Shew 'em Apes Tricks of diff'rent sortment,
Turn all his Words to healing Plasters,
And so, Your humble Servant Masters.
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Determin'd many Feuds and Cavils,
Oft reconcil'd contending Nations,
By Postures and Gesticulations,
And, as Philastratus reports,
Appear'd at many Princes Courts,
There heal'd Divisions and Distractions,
Not by the Pow'r of Words, but Actions;
Sometimes he'd Frown, and sometimes Smile,
Skip, Leap, but never Speak the while;
And, by these Methods that he took,
Did Wonders, worthy of Blunt's Book;
Therefore, since Learned Apollonius,
As 'tis in Greek most plainly shown us,
Could Kings instruct, by Madmens Freaks,
And Quarrels end, by Monkey Tricks,
I think the Vint'ner, in such Cases,
Where Men behave themselves like Asses,
The Apollonian Game may play,
And manage Fools the self-same way.
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Are Fops, too difficult to please,
Young flutt'ring Rakes, who Scarlet wear
Before they do Commissions bear,
Well knowing 'tis the only Dye
That tempts the wanton Lady's Eye,
From whence 't'as been observ'd, that Women
Are caught like Maycril by our Seamen,
Bait but your Hook with Scarlet Cloth,
And you may eas'ly take 'em both.
When these, who think all Wisdom lies
In b'ing impertinently nice,
Are show'd into some spacious Room,
Where Fencing-Rakes are wont to come,
And when the Beaus, in great Decorum,
Are seated, with their Snuffs before 'em,
The Drawer's order'd, by some Fop,
To send his absent Master up,
Who nimbly trips, from Stair to Stair,
Puts on his best Mercurial Ayre,
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Till squees'd to half his hight, or low'r,
He bolts upon 'em, Sirs, d'ye call,
Then, starting up, grows twice as tall.
So Geese, as into Barns they go,
Do always stoop their Heads full low,
But when they're in, they raise 'em high,
Extend their upright Necks and ply
The Mow, that charms each Goose's Eye.
A Flask of French is now demanded,
Do always stoop their Heads full low,
But when they're in, they raise 'em high,
Extend their upright Necks and ply
The Mow, that charms each Goose's Eye.
The Vint'ner runs, the Wine is handed,
And tasted round, but is not lik'd,
One swears its Poor, another Prick'd,
The Vint'ner knows 'tis very good,
Yet dares not say so, for his Blood,
But forms a grave, judicious Face,
Then sips, and spurts away a Glass,
By silence seems to own the Fault,
And flies like Light'ning to his Vault,
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But usher'd in another Name,
Yet that's not good, until he takes
Another turn to please the Rakes,
And then some spunging, fencing Bully,
That makes each silly Fop his Cully,
Approves the Claret, damns his Blood,
And swears 'tis right, by all that's Good,
The rest submit to Captain Bluff,
Their Back commends it, that's enough.
Thus batter'd Fencers, when they flush
Young Rakes, and teach 'em how to push,
Impose what e'er they please upon 'em,
And fleece 'em, till they've half undone 'em:
Except they shake 'em off for ease,
As Dogs in Summer do their Fleas.
Now all the forward Sparks begin
Young Rakes, and teach 'em how to push,
Impose what e'er they please upon 'em,
And fleece 'em, till they've half undone 'em:
Except they shake 'em off for ease,
As Dogs in Summer do their Fleas.
To like their Usage and their Wine,
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Than they had cry'd it down before,
The merry Glass goes briskly round,
No Drawer kick'd, no Fault is found,
But e'ery thing, at present, seems
As peaceful as unruffl'd Streams,
Till Drinking, Thwarting, Singing, Roaring,
Much talk of Fencing, Dancing, Whoring,
Intoxicate their shallow Senses,
And then some warm Dispute commences,
Which, as it's rais'd by blust'ring Words
And Oaths, must end in drawing Swords;
But Bully Back, who truly knows
The Brav'ry of his Cully Beaus,
Tells them the danger of a Riot,
And with his Looks soon makes 'em quiet;
Then, like a skilful Judge and Jury,
Fines the worst Coward for his Fury,
Who gladly pays the cunning Knave
His Flask, to be accounted Brave.
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So Phillis, when she's young and fair,
What e'er she gains by those that pay her,
She does on some old Midwife spend,
To make the subtle Bawd her Friend.
Thus is the Vint'ner plagu'd all Night,
What e'er she gains by those that pay her,
She does on some old Midwife spend,
To make the subtle Bawd her Friend.
Till Morning dims the Candle-light,
Unwilling to enjoy his Bed,
For fear some Mischief should succeed,
That might intail an evil Fame
Upon his Conduct and his Name;
For none, tho' in a loftier Station,
Have more regard to Reputation,
Or manage what they're forc'd to bear,
With greater Art or greater Care.
| The Delights of the Bottle | |