University of Virginia Library

CINEMA

But Haven't We Seen This Film Before?

By Steve Wells
Cavalier Daily Staff Writer

After seeing "Little Fauss and
Big Halsy," which arrives at the
Paramount today, I decided to take
a trip out to Hollywood to discuss
the film with the head of
Paramount Pictures.

Before I left, I was visited by a
mysterious doctor who refused to
identify himself other than to say
he had spent much of his life in
front of Hollywood cameras. He
gave me two truth serum pills to
drop in my victim's coffee before I

tried to interview him, and then
disappeared into the darkness.

When I got to Hollywood, I
went straight to Paramount and was
politely shown into the president's
luxurious office.

True Flavor

"Welcome, welcome, welcome!"
he said in greeting me with great
fervor. "I understand you're here to
talk about 'Little Fauss and Big
Halsy.' Great movie isn't it? Yeah,
I'm really proud to be connected
with it. I said when we started
making it that all I wanted was to
wind up with a piece of filmic art
which tells it like it is, that catches
the true flavor of motorcycle racing
and the people involved in it, that
tells the story of two small-time
bike riders—one a hot-shot stud and
the other a homely, soft-spoken
loser—with originality and insight.
Yeah, sure makes me feel good to
think we achieved out artistic goals.
Hey, how about some coffee?"

"Sounds good."

"There you go. Ooh, it's hot.
Excuse me for a second, will you?
I'll be right back."

Plink. Plink.

"Now, where were we? Oh yeah,
I was telling you about 'Fauss and
Halsy.' Ah, this coffee is good.
Suppose you tell me what you
thought of the movie."

"Well, it's not really bad, but I
did get the impression that I had
seen it before."

"Of course you have,
ding-a-ling! You saw "Easy Rider"
last year, didn't you? And "Butch
Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?"
Boy, those two really cleaned up at
the b.o. We figured a combination
of the two would make millions for
us. We set out to please everyone.
The bikes assured us the cycle set
audience."

Cycles And Sex

"Even though this isn't a "Wild
Angels" type cheapie, how long do
you think cycle flicks will continue
to sell?"

"Why, as long as we can find sex
symbols to ride the cycles, dummy!
That's how we attract a female
audience. We lost out on Namath
this year, but went one better and
got Robert Redford. Hey, isn't he
great as Halsy?"

"Excellent. I like Michael J.
Pollard as Fauss, too, although he's
playing his same old character from
'Bonnie and Clyde' again. And, I
must admit that Lauren Hutton, as
the girl who tags along with them,
is nice to look at."

"Of course," he said. "That's
how we get a male audience. We're
hoping that this movie will do for
her what 'The Graduate' did for
Katharine Ross."

"But 'The Graduate' was an
exceptionally good film."

"And 'Fauss and Halsy' Isn't?"

"As I said, I've seen it all before.
I mean, there are only so many
ways to race a motorcycle. And
there's nothing particularly
outstanding about Charles
Eastman's script or Sidney J.
Furle's direction."

"In fairness, I thought they were
adequate," he said.

"So is last week's soup, but if
they served it to you in a
restaurant, I bet you'd complain."

Television Series

"Oh well, we'll make some sort
of a profit on it, maybe turn it into
a television series, so what's the
difference? As long as we come out
ahead in the end."

"But do we?"

"I'm afraid that's your problem.
Nobody forces you to go to movies.
And you yourself said it's not really
bad."

"Want to quote me in your ads?
Look, I'm serious, the public
expects more from you. Have you
even thought about the future?"

"You better believe we have,"
he said with enthusiasm. "In the
works for next year is this film
about these three wacky Naval
surgeons, real practical jokers, who
meet up with this sweet girl from
Wellesley. She falls in love with all
three, but her happiness is short-lived
when all of them contract bubonic
plague and die. In the end, we see
this courageous girl cry in the arms
of her estranged mother while the
helicopters fly her lovers' bodies
away in the background. The flick
will have everything—laughs, tears,
sex—boy, will it have sex: not one,
not two, but all three guys get the
girl in the sack. Now, if we only
had a title...

"How about 'Gang Bang?' "

"Not bad, but too violent. Peace
is the big thing today. It sells better
than anything," he explained.

"How about 'D*O*V*E Story?' "

"Hey, I like it! But to be on the
safe side, let's call it 'Dove Talc.' "

His phone rings, but he
continues talking to me.

More Alive

"You know, I love this business,
with all its fringe benefits. People
talk about Hollywood being dead.
That's a crock of you-know-what.
Why, Hollywood is more alive
today than ever, it's just as alive
as...as...well, as my wife."

I got up to leave as he reached
for the phone. I looked around at
all the trappings in his office, the
pictures of every movie star from
Gloria Swanson to Huntz Hall, and
felt very uneasy. When he hung up
the phone, I noticed a strange,
frightened expression on his face. I
asked him if anything was wrong.

"My wife just died."