University of Virginia Library

Steve Wells

Little Big Fan

My guest today is a 121 year-old
fellow who calls himself
Crabby Jack and who claims to be
the oldest living University of
Virginia football fan and one of the
survivors of The Great Michigan
Massacre of 1971.

"Good morning, Mr. Jack."

"Call me Crabby."

"All right, Crabby. I understand
you're pretty familiar with football
around these parts."

"That's the truth, my boy. I
been around a long time. You jest
set there and you'll learn
something."

"Did you ever play the game
yourself?"

"Why, sure I did. I played back in
the days when it was a real man's
game, when you played for sixty
minutes straight, both offense and
defense. Nowadays there's one
team for offense, another for
defense, and a kicker who don't do
nuthin' else, 'ceptin maybe for to
talk over a phone to some guy on
the roof who can't see well enough
from the bench. Shoot, next thing
you know there'll be these
computer things calling the plays."

"What is your interest in
football here at Virginia?"

"Well, I'll tell you. I played
here, then I coached for awhile,
taught Bill Dudley all the finer
points of the game. But after I
dropped the bomb on Hiroshima
in '45, I decided to take it easy. I
mean, I came to the conclusion that
the Great Father in the Sky just
didn't mean for the Wahoos to be a
first-rate football team, that
football here was supposed to be
kinda fun to watch, like a circus."

"So you resigned yourself to
defeat?"

"I resigned myself to the fact
that we had—and still have—a third
class status in football. Now there
ain't no shame in being third class.
You can build up just as big
rivalries against other third class
teams, and when you win, it's still
fun.

"And when you lose?"

"Around here that's fun too, if
you know how to handle the
situation."

"And how's that?"

"Take a flask to the stadium
and laugh your ass off. If you're
lucky, the whole second half will be
a blur. Why, I remember games
against Duke and UNC when we'd
sing the Good Ol' Song even if we
didn't score. But we all had a good
time, because there was always the
possibility of victory. That kept us
cheering."

Michigan Massacre

"Now, I understand, Crabby,
that you were at what has come to
be known as The Great Michigan
Massacre."

"Shoot. I was there. What a
nightmare!"

"Could you tell us about it, if it
isn't too painful?"

"Well, when I woke up Saturday
morning in Ann Arbor, the Chief
Cavalier asked me to go up on a
mountain with him. We got up there
and he stretched out on the ground,
looked up at the sky, and said, "It's
a good day for dying."

"And after that?"

"Well, as for the game, I spent
the first half crying."

"How did you spend the
second?"

"On my knees."

"Praying for a miracle?"

"No, just for the lives of our
players. Boy, those Wolverines were
vicious."

"I take it that you didn't enjoy
the trip?"

"It was damned embarrassing. I
mean, what's the point in going
into a game if you know there's no
chance of winning. You look
unbelievably ridiculous before
80,000 people. What fun is that?
It's like Lane High School trying to
play the Baltimore Colts."

That's Dangerous

"But if we ever hope to gain
national prominence in football..."

"That's just it. We're trying to
be something we're not. And that's
dangerous. If we really, really tried,
we might mold ourselves into a
national football power in twenty
years or so, but the cost would be
too great, and I ain't talking about
money."

"But we already have games
scheduled against Missouri and
Texas in future years."

"Damn fools. Waste of time and
energy for everybody. I'd rather see
us play Sweet Briar. We'd be sure to
win, and I'd bet my flask there'd
be a lot of interesting penalties. Did
I tell you about the night back in
'06 when I wore out the entire
senior class at Sweets?"

"No, but maybe some other
time. I know you must be tired
now."

"I was until a second ago."

"Well, we thank you for sharing
some of your thoughts with us,
Crabby. You've lived a pretty
fantastic life. But, tell me, how
much of what you've said is the
honest-to-God truth?"

"Enough, my boy. Enough."