The Works of Capt. Alex. Radcliffe In one Volume ... The Third Edition Augmented [by Alexander Radcliffe] |
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News from Hell.
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 | The Works of Capt. Alex. Radcliffe |  |
News from Hell.
So dark the Night was that old Charon
Could not carry Ghostly Fare-on;
But was forc'd to leave his Souls,
Stark stript of Bodies, 'mongst the Shoals
Of Black Sea-Toads, and other Fry,
Which on the Stygian Shore do lie:
Th' amazed Spirits desire recess
To their old batter'd Carcases;
But as they turn about, they find
The Night more dismal is behind.
Could not carry Ghostly Fare-on;
But was forc'd to leave his Souls,
Stark stript of Bodies, 'mongst the Shoals
Of Black Sea-Toads, and other Fry,
Which on the Stygian Shore do lie:
Th' amazed Spirits desire recess
To their old batter'd Carcases;
But as they turn about, they find
The Night more dismal is behind.
Pluto began to fret and fume
Because the Tilt Boat did not come.
To the Shore's side he strait way trudges
With his three Soul-censuring Judges,
Standing on Acherontic Strand,
He thrice three times did waft his Wand:
From gloomy Lake did strait arise
A meager Fiend, with broad blew Eyes;
Approaching Pluto, as he bow'd,
From's head there dropt Infernal Mud;
Quoth he, Atenebris & luto
I come—'Tis well, quoth surly Pluto.
“Go you to t'other side of Styx,
“And know why Charon's so prolix:
“Surely on Earth there cannot be
“A Grant of Immortality.
Away the wrigling Fiend soon scuds
Through Liquids thick as Soap and Suds.
Because the Tilt Boat did not come.
2
With his three Soul-censuring Judges,
Standing on Acherontic Strand,
He thrice three times did waft his Wand:
From gloomy Lake did strait arise
A meager Fiend, with broad blew Eyes;
Approaching Pluto, as he bow'd,
From's head there dropt Infernal Mud;
Quoth he, Atenebris & luto
I come—'Tis well, quoth surly Pluto.
“Go you to t'other side of Styx,
“And know why Charon's so prolix:
“Surely on Earth there cannot be
“A Grant of Immortality.
Away the wrigling Fiend soon scuds
Through Liquids thick as Soap and Suds.
In the mean while old Eacus,
Craftier far than any of us;
For mortal Men to him are silly;
Besides he held a League with Lilly;
And what is acted here does know
As well as t'other does below:
Thus spake, “Thou mighty King of Orcus,
“Who into any shape canst work us;
“I to your Greatness shall declare
“My Sentiments of this Affair.
“Charon you know did use to come
“With some Elucid Spirit home;
“Some Poet bright, whose glowing Soul
“Like Torch did light him cross the Pool:
“Old Charon then was blithe and merry,
“With Flame and Rhapsody in Ferry.
“Shou'd he gross Souls alone take in,
“Laden with heavy rubbish Sin;
“Sin that is nothing but Allay;
“'Tis ten to one he'd lose his way.
“But now such Wights with Souls so clear
“Must not have Damnation here;
“Nor can we hope they'l hither move,
“For know (Grim Sir) they're damn'd above;
“They're damn'd on Earth by th' present Age,
“Damn'd in Cabals, and damn'd o'th' Stage.
“Laureat, who was both learn'd and florid,
“Was damn'd long since for silence horrid:
“Nor had there been such clutter made,
“But that this silence did invade:
“Invade! and so't might well, that's clear:
“But what did it invade?—an Ear.
“And for some other things, 'tis true,
“We follow Fate that does pursue.
Craftier far than any of us;
3
Besides he held a League with Lilly;
And what is acted here does know
As well as t'other does below:
Thus spake, “Thou mighty King of Orcus,
“Who into any shape canst work us;
“I to your Greatness shall declare
“My Sentiments of this Affair.
“Charon you know did use to come
“With some Elucid Spirit home;
“Some Poet bright, whose glowing Soul
“Like Torch did light him cross the Pool:
“Old Charon then was blithe and merry,
“With Flame and Rhapsody in Ferry.
“Shou'd he gross Souls alone take in,
“Laden with heavy rubbish Sin;
“Sin that is nothing but Allay;
“'Tis ten to one he'd lose his way.
“But now such Wights with Souls so clear
“Must not have Damnation here;
4
“For know (Grim Sir) they're damn'd above;
“They're damn'd on Earth by th' present Age,
“Damn'd in Cabals, and damn'd o'th' Stage.
“Laureat, who was both learn'd and florid,
“Was damn'd long since for silence horrid:
“Nor had there been such clutter made,
“But that this silence did invade:
“Invade! and so't might well, that's clear:
“But what did it invade?—an Ear.
“And for some other things, 'tis true,
“We follow Fate that does pursue.
A Lord who was in Metre wont
To call a Privy Member C---
Whose Verse, by Women termed lewd,
Is still preserv'd, not understood.
But that which made 'em curse and ban,
Was for his Satyr against Man.
A third was damn'd, 'cause in his Plays
He thrusts old Jests in Archoe's days:
Nor as they say can make a Chorus
Without a Tavern or a Whore-house;
Which he to puzzle vulgar thinking,
Does call by th' name of Love and Drinking.
To call a Privy Member C---
Whose Verse, by Women termed lewd,
Is still preserv'd, not understood.
But that which made 'em curse and ban,
Was for his Satyr against Man.
5
He thrusts old Jests in Archoe's days:
Nor as they say can make a Chorus
Without a Tavern or a Whore-house;
Which he to puzzle vulgar thinking,
Does call by th' name of Love and Drinking.
A fourth for writing superfine,
With words correct in every Line:
And one that does presume to say,
A Plot's too gross for any Play:
Comedy should be clean and neat,
As Gentlemen do talk and eat.
So what he writes is but Translation,
From Dog and Patridge conversation:
With words correct in every Line:
And one that does presume to say,
A Plot's too gross for any Play:
Comedy should be clean and neat,
As Gentlemen do talk and eat.
So what he writes is but Translation,
From Dog and Patridge conversation:
A fifth, who does in's last prefer
'Bove all, his own dear Character:
And fain wou'd seem upon the Stage
Too Manly for this flippant Age.
'Bove all, his own dear Character:
And fain wou'd seem upon the Stage
Too Manly for this flippant Age.
6
A sixth, whose lofty Fancy towers
'Bove Fate, Eternity and Powers:
Rumbles i'th' Sky, and makes a bustle;
So Gods meet Gods i'th dark and justle.
'Bove Fate, Eternity and Powers:
Rumbles i'th' Sky, and makes a bustle;
So Gods meet Gods i'th dark and justle.
Seventh, because he'd rather chuse
To spoil his Verse than tire his Muse.
Nor will he let Heroicks chime;
Fancy (quoth he) is lost by Rhime.
And he that's us'd to clashing Swords
Should not delight in sounds of words.
Mars with Mercury should not mingle;
Great Warriours shou'd speak big, not jingle.
To spoil his Verse than tire his Muse.
Nor will he let Heroicks chime;
Fancy (quoth he) is lost by Rhime.
And he that's us'd to clashing Swords
Should not delight in sounds of words.
Mars with Mercury should not mingle;
Great Warriours shou'd speak big, not jingle.
Amongst this Heptarchy of Wit,
The censuring Age have thought it fit
To damn a Woman, 'cause 'tis said,
The Plays she vends she never made.
But that a Greys Inn Lawyer does 'em,
Who unto her was Friend in Bosom.
So not presenting Scarf and Hood,
New Plays and Songs are full as good.
The censuring Age have thought it fit
To damn a Woman, 'cause 'tis said,
The Plays she vends she never made.
But that a Greys Inn Lawyer does 'em,
Who unto her was Friend in Bosom.
7
New Plays and Songs are full as good.
These are the better sort I grant,
Damn'd onely by the Ignorant:
But still there are a scribling Fry
Ought to be damn'd eternally;
An unlearn'd Tribe, o'th' lower rate,
Who will be Poets spite of Fate;
Whose Character's not worth reciting,
They scarce can read, yet will be writing:
As t'other day a silly Oafe
Instead of Jove did call on Jofe:
Whose humble Muse descends to Cellars,
Or at the best to Herc'les Pillars.
Now Charon I presume does stop,
Expecting one of these wou'd drop;
For any such Poetick Damn'd-boy
Will light him home as well as Flambeau.
Eacus just had made an end,
When did arrive the dripping Fiend,
Who did confirm the Judges speech,
That Charon did a Light beseech.
They fell to Consultation grave,
To find some strange enlightned Knave.
Faux had like t'have been the Spark,
But that his Lanthorn was too dark.
At last th' agreed a sullen Quaker
Should be this business Undertaker;
The fittest Soul for this exploit,
Because he had the newest Light:
Him soon from sable Den they drag,
Who of his Sufferings doth brag;
And unto Heel of Fiend being ty'd,
To Charons Vessel was convey'd.
Charon came home, all things were well;
This is the onely News from Hell.
Damn'd onely by the Ignorant:
But still there are a scribling Fry
Ought to be damn'd eternally;
An unlearn'd Tribe, o'th' lower rate,
Who will be Poets spite of Fate;
Whose Character's not worth reciting,
They scarce can read, yet will be writing:
As t'other day a silly Oafe
Instead of Jove did call on Jofe:
Whose humble Muse descends to Cellars,
Or at the best to Herc'les Pillars.
Now Charon I presume does stop,
Expecting one of these wou'd drop;
For any such Poetick Damn'd-boy
Will light him home as well as Flambeau.
8
When did arrive the dripping Fiend,
Who did confirm the Judges speech,
That Charon did a Light beseech.
They fell to Consultation grave,
To find some strange enlightned Knave.
Faux had like t'have been the Spark,
But that his Lanthorn was too dark.
At last th' agreed a sullen Quaker
Should be this business Undertaker;
The fittest Soul for this exploit,
Because he had the newest Light:
Him soon from sable Den they drag,
Who of his Sufferings doth brag;
And unto Heel of Fiend being ty'd,
To Charons Vessel was convey'd.
Charon came home, all things were well;
This is the onely News from Hell.
| The Works of Capt. Alex. Radcliffe | |