Poems of Freneau :: :: University of Virginia Library

AS Jove the Olympian (who both I and you know,
Was brother to Neptune, and husband to Juno)
Was lately reviewing his papers of state,
He happened to light on the records of Fate.

In Alphabet order this volume was written—
So he opened at B, for the article Britain—
She struggles so well, said the god, I will see
What the sisters in Pluto's dominions decree.

And, first, on the top of a column he read
“Of a king, with a mighty soft place in his head,
“Who should join in his temper the ass and the mule,
“The third of his name, and by far the worst fool:

“His reign shall be famous for multiplication,
“The sire and the king of a whelp generation:
“But such is the will and the purpose of fate,
“For each child he begets he shall forfeit a State:

“In the course of events, he shall find to his cost
“That he cannot regain what he foolishly lost;
“Of the nations around he shall be the derision,
“And know, by experience, the rule of Division.”

So Jupiter read—a god of first rank—
And still had read on—but he came to a blank:
For the Fates had neglected the rest to reveal—
They either forgot it, or chose to conceal:

When a leaf is torn out, or a blot on a page
That pleases our fancy, we fly in a rage—
So, curious to know what the Fates would say next,
No wonder if Jove, disappointed, was vext.

But still, as true genius not frequently fails,
He glanced at the Virgin, and thought of the Scales;
And said, “To determine the will of the Fates,
“One scale shall weigh Britain, the other the States.”

Then turning to Vulcan, his maker of thunder,
Said he, “My dear Vulcan, I pray you look yonder,
“Those creatures are tearing each other to pieces,
“And, instead of abating, the carnage increases.

“Now, as you are a blacksmith, and lusty stout ham-eater,
“You must make me a globe of a shorter diameter;
“The world in abridgement, and just as it stands
“With all its proportions of waters and lands;

“But its various divisions must so be designed,
“That I can unhinge it whene'er I've a mind—
“How else should I know what the portions will weigh,
“Or which of the combatants carry the day?”

Old Vulcan complied, (we've no reason to doubt it)
So he put on his apron and strait went about it—
Made center, and circles as round as a pancake,
And here the Pacific, and there the Atlantic.

An axis he hammered, whose ends were the poles,
(On which the whole body perpetually rolls)
A brazen meridian he added to these,
Where four times repeated were ninety degrees.

I am sure you had laughed to have seen his droll attitude,
When he bent round the surface the circles of latitude,
The zones, and the tropics, meridians, equator,
And other fine things that are drawn on salt water.

Away to the southward (instructed by Pallas)
He placed in the ocean the Terra Australis,
New Holland, New Guinea, and so of the rest—
AMERICA lay by herself in the west:

From the regions where winter eternally reigns,
To the climes of Peru he extended her plains;
Dark groves, and the zones did her bosom adorn,
And the Crosiers, new burnished, he hung at Cape Horn.

The weight of two oceans she bore on her sides,
With all their convulsions of tempests and tides;
Vast lakes on her surface did fearfully roll,
And the ice from her rivers surrounded the pole.

Then Europe and Asia he northward extended,
Where under the Arctic with Zembla they ended;
(The length of these regions he took with his garters,
Including Siberia, the land of the Tartars).

In the African clime (where the cocoa-nut tree grows)
He laid down the desarts, and even the negroes,
The shores by the waves of four oceans embraced,
And elephants strolling about in the waste.

In forming East India, he had a wide scope,
Beginning his work at the cape of Good Hope;
Then eastward of that he continued his plan,
'Till he came to the empire and isles of Japan.

Adjacent to Europe he struck up an island,
(One part of it low, but the other was high land)
With many a comical creature upon it,
And one wore a hat, and another a bonnet.

Like emmits or ants in a fine summer's day,
They ever were marching in battle array,

Or skipping about on the face of the brine,
Like witches in egg-shells (their ships of the line.)

These poor little creatures were all in a flame,
To the lands of America, urging their claim,
Still biting, or stinging, or spreading their sails;
(For Vulcan had formed them with stings in their tails.)

So poor and so lean, you might count all their ribs,
Yet were so enraptured with crackers and squibs,
That Vulcan with laughter almost split asunder,
“Because they imagined their crackers were thunder.”

Due westward from these, with a channel between,
A servant to slaves, Hibernia was seen,
Once crowded with monarchs, and high in renown,
But all she retained was the Harp and the Crown!

Insulted forever by nobles and priests,
And managed by bullies, and governed by beasts,
She looked!—to describe her I hardly know how—
Such an image of death in the scowl on her brow:

For scaffolds and halters were full in her view,
And the fiends of perdition their cutlasses drew:
And axes and gibbets around her were placed,
And the demons of murder her honours defaced—
With the blood of the WORTHY her mantle was stained,
And hardly a trace of her beauty remained.

Her genius, a female, reclined in the shade,
And, sick of oppression, so mournfully played,
That Jove was uneasy to hear her complain,
And ordered his blacksmith to loosen her chain:

Then tipt her a wink, saying, “Now is your time,
“(To rebel is the sin, to revolt is no crime)

“When your fetters are off, if you dare not be free
“Be a slave and be damned, but complain not to me.”

But finding her timid, he cried in a rage—
“Though the doors are flung open, she stays in the cage!
“Subservient to Britain then let her remain,
“And her freedom shall be, but the choice of her chain.”

At length, to discourage all stupid pretensions,
Jove looked at the globe, and approved its dimensions,
And cried in a transport—“Why what have we here!
“Friend Vulcan, it is a most beautiful sphere!

“Now while I am busy in taking apart
“This globe that is formed with such exquisite art,
“Go, Hermes, to Libra, (you're one of her gallants)
“And ask, in my name, for the loan of her balance.”

Away posted Hermes, as swift as the gales,
And as swiftly returned with the ponderous scales,
And hung them aloft to a beam in the air,
So equally poised, they had turned with a hair.

Now Jove to COLUMBIA his shoulders applied,
But aiming to lift her, his strength she defied—
Then, turning about to their godships, he says—
“A BODY SO VAST is not easy to raise;

“But if you assist me, I still have a notion
“Our forces, united, can put her in motion,
“And swing her aloft, (though alone I might fail)
“And place her, in spite of her bulk, in our scale;

“If six years together the Congress have strove,
“And more than divided the empire with Jove;
“With a Jove like myself, who am nine times as great,
“You can join, like their soldiers, to heave up this weight.”

So to it they went, with handspikes and levers,
And upward she sprung, with her mountains and rivers!
Rocks, cities, and islands, deep waters and shallows,
Ships, armies, and forests, high heads, and fine fellows:

“Stick to it!” cries Jove “now heave one and all!
“At least we are lifting one-eighth of the ball!”
“If backward she tumbles—then trouble begins,
“And then have a care, my dear boys, of your shins!”

When gods are determined what project can fail?
So they gave a hard shove, and she mounted the scale;
Suspended aloft, Jove viewed her with awe—
And the gods, for their pay, had a hearty—huzza!

But Neptune bawled out—“Why Jove you're a noddy,
“Is Britain sufficient to poise that vast body?
“'Tis nonsense such castles to build in the air—
“As well might an oyster with Britain compare.”

“Away to your waters, you blustering bully,”
Said Jove, “or I'll make you repent of your folly,
“Is Jupiter, Sir, to be tutored by you?—
“Get out of my sight, for I know what to do!”

Then searching about with his fingers for Britain,
Thought he, “this same island I cannot well hit on!
The devil take him who first called her the GREAT:
“If she was—she is vastly diminished of late!”

Like a man that is searching his thigh for a flea,
He peeped and he fumbled, but nothing could see;
At last he exclaimed—“I am surely upon it—
“I think I have hold of a Highlander's bonnet.”

But finding his error, he said with a sigh,
“This bonnet is only the island of Skie,

So away to his namesake the PLANET he goes,
And borrowed two moons to hang on his nose.

Through these, as through glasses, he saw her quite clear,
And in rapture cried out—“I have found her—she's here!
“If this be not Britain, then call me an ass,
“She looks like a gem in an ocean of glass.

“But faith, she's so small I must mind how I shake her;
“In a box I'll enclose her, for fear I should break her:
“Though a god, I might suffer for being aggressor,
“Since scorpions, and vipers, and hornets possess her;

“The white cliffs of Albion I think I descry,
“And the hills of Plinlimmon appear rather nigh—
“But, Vulcan, inform me what creatures are these,
“That smell so of onions, and garlick, and cheese?”

Old Vulcan replied—“Odds splutter a nails!
“Why, these are the Welch, and the country is Wales!
“When Taffy is vext, no devil is ruder—
“Take care how you trouble the offspring of TUDOR!

“On the crags of the mountains hur living hur seeks,
“Hur country is planted with garlick and leeks;
“So great is hur choler, beware how you teaze hur,
“For these are the Britons—unconquered by Caesar.”

“But now, my dear Juno, pray give me my mittens,
“(These insects I am going to handle are Britons)
“I'll draw up their isle with a finger and thumb,
“As the doctor extracts an old tooth from the gum.”

Then he raised her aloft—but to shorten our tale,
She looked like a CLOD in the opposite scale—
Britannia so small, and Columbia so large—
A ship of first rate, and a ferryman's barge!

Cried Pallas to Vulcan, “Why, Jove's in a dream—
“Observe how he watches the turn of the beam!
“Was ever a mountain outweighed by a grain?
“Or what is a drop when compared to the main?”

But Momus alledged—“in my humble opinion,
“You should add to Great-Britain her foreign dominion,
“When this is appended, perhaps she will rise,
“And equal her rival in weight and in size.”

“Alas! (said the monarch), your project is vain,
“But little is left of her foreign domain;
“And, scattered about in the liquid expanse,
“That little is left to the mercy of France;

“However, we'll lift them, and give her fair play”—
And soon in the scale with their mistress they lay;
But the gods were confounded and struck with surprise,
And Vulcan could hardly believe his own eyes!

For (such was the purpose and guidance of fate)
Her foreign dominions diminished her weight—
By which it appeared, to Britain's disaster,
Her foreign possessions were changing their master.

Then, as he replaced them, said Jove with a smile—
“COLUMBIA shall never be ruled by an isle—
“But vapours and darkness around her may rise,
“And tempests conceal her awhile from our eyes;

“So locusts in Egypt their squadrons display,
“And rising, disfigure the face of the day;
“So the moon, at her full, has a frequent eclipse,
“And the sun in the ocean diurnally dips.

“Then cease your endeavours, ye vermin of Britain—
(And here, in derision, their island he spit on)

“'Tis madness to seek what you never can find,
“Or to think of uniting what nature disjoined;

“But still you may flutter awhile with your wings,
“And spit out your venom and brandish your stings:
“Your hearts are as black, and as bitter as gall,
“A curse to mankind—and a blot on the BALL.”

April 1782

Stars, in the form of a cross, which mark the South Pole in Southern latitudes.

Their national debt being now above £200,000,000 sterling

American soldiers.

An Island on the north-west of Scotland.

It is hoped that such a sentiment may not be deemed wholly illiberal. Every candid person will certainly draw a line between a brave and magnanimous people, and a most vicious and vitiating government. Perhaps the following extract from a pamphlet lately published in London and republished at Baltimore (June, 1809) by Mr. Bernard Dornin, will place the preceding sentiment in a fair point of view:

“A better spirit than exists in the English people, never existed in any people in the world; it has been misdirected, and squandered upon party purposes in the most degrading and scandalous manner; they have been led to believe that they were benefiting the commerce of England by destroying the commerce of America, that they were defending their sovereign by perpetuating the bigoted oppression of their fellow subjects; their rulers and their guides have told them that they would equal the vigour of France by equalling her atrocity, and they have gone on, wasting that opulence, patience and courage, which if husbanded by prudent, and moderate counsels, might have proved the salvation of mankind. The same policy of turning the good qualities of Englishmen to their own destruction, which made Mr. Pitt omnipotent, continues his power to those who resemble him only in his vices; advantage is taken of the loyalty of Englishmen, to make them meanly submissive; their piety is turned into persecution; their courage into useless and obstinate contention; they are plundered because they are ready to pay, and soothed into asinine stupidity because they are full of virtuous patience. If England must perish at last, so let it be: that event is in the hands of God; we must dry up our tears, and submit. But that England should perish swindling and stealing; that it should perish waging war against lazar-houses and hospitals, that it should perish persecuting with monastic bigotry; that it should calmly give itself up to be ruined by the flashy arrogance of one man, and the narrow fanaticism of another; these events are within the power of human beings, but I did not think that the magnanimity of Englishmen would ever stoop to such degradations.”