University of Virginia Library

ACT V.

SCENE I.

Enter TRANIO.
Things to a crisis come, the timid man
Is not worth e'en a nut-shell. Tho' I scarce
Know what the expression means—Soon as my master
Dispatch'd me out of town to fetch his son,
I stole a private way into our garden:
Open'd a door that's in the narrow passage,
And, men and women, our whole regiment,
Conducted out. When I'd thus rais'd the siege,
And brought my little garrison off safely,
I thought it most adviseable to form
A senate of that jolly company—
This done, they banish'd me the senate-house.
Soon as I found th'affair must be decided
In my own court, I e'en resolv'd to act
As others in like case; when things are doubtful,
And all's embroil'd, embroil them more and more,
Till they can ne'er be settled; for I see
There's no concealing this from old Theuropides.—
But hark! our neighbour's door!—What noise?—My master!
I'll step aside, and try to overhear him.

[goes aside.
Enter THEUROPIDES.
Theu.
[to Simo's slaves.]
Stand here, upon this spot, behind the door,
That, soon as I shall call, you may rush forth.
Come, have your manacles in readiness—
I'll wait before the door for this same sharper,
Who has been so smart upon me; if I live
I'll make his hide smart for it in return.

Tra.
[apart.]
Yes, all is out—Look, Tranio, to thyself;
And take care what thou dost—

Theu.
When my chap comes,
I will go cunningly to work with him.
Not let him see at once, I know his roguery,
But throw my line to catch him. I'll dissemble
That I know ought about it.

[apart.
Tra.
Cunning rogue!
There's not a cleverer fellow in all Athens.
The art of man may as soon make impression
Upon a stone as him—I'll speak to him—

Theu.
Wou'd he were here!—

Tra.
[apart.]
'Troth, if 'tis me you want,
I'm ready to attend you—

Theu.
Tranio there!
The business? Say—

Tra.
The country sparks are coming.
Philolaches will presently be here.

Theu.
He comes most opportunely—Here's our neighbour;
A sorry fellow, as it seems to me,
A shameless one—

Tra.
How so?

Theu.
Denies his knowledge
Of you—

Tra.
Denies?

Theu.
And that you ever paid him
A single drachma—

Tra.
Psha! You're playing on me.
He don't deny it—

Theu.
How!

Tra.
I know you're joking.
He can't deny it—

Theu.
Yes, by Pollux' temple!
Denies it; and that he e'er sold the house.

Tra.
What! and deny he e'er receiv'd the money?

Theu.
And offers, if I please, to take his oath
He neither sold the house, nor e'er took earnest.
Again, I nam'd the sum—Repeated—

Tra.
Well—
What says he then?

Theu.
Says? That he'll give his slaves
All round the torture—

Tra.
Psha! he'll never do it.

Theu.
In troth he will.

Tra.
Defy him then at law.

Theu.
I'll try to-morrow, that I am determin'd—

Tra.
Leave but the man to me—

Theu.
In the mean time,
What if I call assistance—

Tra.
That before
Should have been done—I insist upon't, your son
Demand possession strait—

Theu.
But first I'll put
The servants to the torture.

Tra.
Aye, that's right—
In the mean time, I'll seize upon this altar—

[runs to an altar.
Theu.
Why so?—

Tra.
You're very dull—Why, that the rogues
When put to th'torture, fly not to't for sanctuary.
Here I'll keep guard, lest it all come to nothing.

Theu.
Rise—

Tra.
Pardon me—

Theu.
Seize not the altar, pray—

Tra.
Why so?

Theu.
I'll tell you—'Tis the thing I want,
That they take refuge there—E'en let them have it:
I shall the easier get the judge to fine him.

Tra.
Do as you please—And yet, Sir, why should you
A stirrer be of strife? You do not know
The dreadful consequences of the law!

Theu.
Get up—Come hither—Give me your advice
On an affair—

Tra.
I'll give you my advice from hence.
My wits are best about me, when I'm sitting.
Besides, advice is given with greater sanction
From holy places—

Theu.
Rise, nor trifle thus.
Look on my face—

Tra.
I do so—

Theu.
Well, d'you see it?

Tra.
I do—and see too, if a third man come,
And set his trade of cunning up against us,
He would be starv'd—

Theu.
Why so?

Tra.
Because he'd find
No business—We are both such masters in it.

Theu.
I'm ruin'd!

Tra.
What's the matter?—

Theu.
You've deceiv'd me.

Tra.
How so?—

Theu.
Yes, yes—You've wip'd my nose most nicely.

Tra.
[apart.]
Did I do't well?—What is it snotty still?

Theu.
You've wip'd my very brain out of my head,
For I have got to the root of all your rogueries—
By Hercules! not only to the root,
But rooted out the root—By Pollux' temple!
Not unreveng'd this day shall pass—This instant,
Rascal, I'll order fire and faggot round you.

Tra.
Let it alone—I'm better boil'd than roasted—

Theu.
I'll make thee an example!—

Tra.
What! because
I'm perfect, you will make me an example.

Theu.
Answer me; say, how did I leave my son
When I went hence?

Tra.
Left him?—With feet, hands, fingers,
Ears, eyes, mouth, lips.—

Theu.
That is not what I ask.

Tra.
'Tis what I answer tho', and nothing else.
But see, your son's companion, Callidamates,
Is coming hither—If you'd ought with me,
Ask me your questions then, when he is by—

SCENE II.

Enter CALLIDAMATES.
Cal.
Soon as I'd buried drowsiness, and slept off
The night's debauch, Philolaches inform'd me
His father was return'd; and how his servant
Had, e're he could arrive, impos'd upon him—
He dreads, he tells me, to appear before him;
And I'm deputed from our company
Ambassador of peace to the old man—
And, apropos! he's here—Health to Theuropides!
I'm glad you're safe arriv'd—You sup
To-day with us?—

Theu.
The same to Callidamates.
As to your supper, I'm oblig'd to you—

Cal.
But you will come—

Tra.
Promise him, master mine;
If you don't chuse it, I'll go in your stead—

Theu.
Rascal! still sneering!—

Tra.
What, because I offer
To go to supper for you?—

Theu.
You shan't go.
I'll have you hang'd as you deserve, you villain.

Cal.
Come let this pass, and go with me to supper.

Tra.
Say you will come?—What, master, not a word?

Cal.
Fool of all fools! Why do you refuge take
There at that altar?—

Tra.
For his coming frighted me.
Now, master, say, what have I done? Here stands
An umpire 'twixt us—Let's debate the matter.

Theu.
My son you have corrupted—That I say—

Tra.
[to Cal.]
Why, do but hear—He has been to blame, I own,
Has freed his mistress—taken money up
While you was absent—spent it—But in this,
Has he done more than other youth of rank?

Theu.
I must take care how I engage with you,
You are too sly an orator for me.

Cal.
Let me then act as judge in this affair—
Get up; and I'll sit there—

Theu.
Do by all means.
Take on yourself the course, make it your own—

Tra.
Is there no trick in this?—But I consent,
So from my fears he free me; and those fears
He take upon himself, and make his own.

Theu.
I value nothing but the ways he took
To play upon his master—

Tra.
That's the best on't.
I glory in it—Grey heads should be wiser—

Theu.
What shall I do? Should Demipho my friend,
Philonides, or—

Tra.
Tell them how your servant
Deceiv'd you neatly, 'twere a subject fit
For any Comedy—

Cal.
Peace but a little,
'Tis my turn now to speak—Attend—

Theu.
Be't so—

Cal.
Of your son's friends you know I am the first;
To me then he applied; for he's asham'd
To look you in the face, as he is conscious
Of what he has done, and that you know it all.
Pardon, I beg, these follies of his youth:
He is your son—You are not now to learn
That at that time of life, such pranks are frequent.
What he has done, he has done with us in common:
We're all to blame—The principal and interest,
The whole expence attending on this mistress,
All, we'll repay—Share it alike—The loss
Shall all be ours, and not a drachma yours.

Theu.
No orator could influence me more.
Nor am I angry with Philolaches,
Nor any thing resent—Ee'n in my sight,
Wench, drink, and do your pleasures—If he's but
Asham'd of his extravagance, I'm satisfied—

Tra.
And I'm asham'd—Be satisfied with that.—
What will be now my fate?—

Theu.
Tied for the scourge,
Dirt, as you merit—

Tra.
What, tho' I'm asham'd?

Theu.
As I'm alive, I'll be the death of thee,
By Hercules!—

Cal.
Come, grant a general pardon.
For my sake pardon Tranio his offence.

Theu.
Any thing else you easier might command,
Than not permit me to return him evil,
This scoundrel! for his evil deeds—

Cal.
Nay, pardon him.

Theu.
See how the villain keeps his post—

Cal.
Be quiet,
If you've your senses left—Be quiet, Tranio—

Theu.
Do you be quiet—Urge this thing no farther—
The lash shall quiet him—

Cal.
In truth no need.—
Let me prevail on you—

Theu.
Insist not on it.

Cal.
By Hercules! I beg you—

Theu.
Press me not.

Cal.
Vain's your refusal, this one only fault—
Pardon this one—I beg it for my sake.

Tra.
And why so loth to pardon? As if I
Should not commit another fault to-morrow—
And then, you'll have a right to punish me
For this and that at once—

Cal.
Let me prevail.

Theu.
About your business then—Begone, unpunish'd:
But hear me, thank him for it—Now, spectators,
The Play is finish'd—Give us your applause.