University of Virginia Library

ACTVS QVINTVS.

Scena Prima.

Enter Ferdinand, and Cornelius.
Cor.

Will there be such Reuels say you.

Fer.

Yes, but no words, for it must be kept priuate.

Cor.

Priuate, why there are gone out Proclamations,
that whosoeuer can by deuice, or any quicke conceits delight
the Duchesse, he shall haue correspondent to his
qualitie an Annuall stipend besides the fauour of the
Duke for euer.

Fer.

Such a thing was talkt of, for the Duke now
dotes farre more on the Duchesse then at first; and whatsoere
is done, is to delight her.

Cor.
'Tis a better hearing then the old Iealousies.
Whats your Lord confin'd to his house i'the countrie.

Fer.
Yes.

Cor.
And how find you your new Lord.

Fer.

Very noble, and so doth beare himselfe to euery

man, harke, yonders such a coile with the Musitians, the
Masquers, and the Dancers, who now are practising.

Cor.
Is not the Poet amongst them.

Fer.
Yes, and which is a miracle a Masquer,
The learned Landoff, who now although he be
A professed Acamedian,
Has laid aside his grauer waightier studdies,
To exercise his skill not yet forgotten,
Being brought vp a Page at Court, and practis'd
Much in that quallity—Harke I must leaue you,
I haue a charge committed to me.

Cor.
May I not vnder your protection,
Behold the sports.

Fer.
I cannot tell, I will not promise you,
For my Lord's very strickt, Ile do my best.

Cor.
Why I thanke you.

Enter Smirke.
Smirke

I donnot know how it comes about that I shud
bee lost thus; villanous witchcraft will neuer bee left, I
am faine to giue ouer my shop, but I had broke; howsoeuer
my painting cloath was so rotten, it could not hold
together, but the best is, I shall liue like a Gentleman,
because I walke inuisible, hay I am not only inuisible to
other men, but to my selfe: I went this morning to a looking-Glasse,
to be acquainted with this comely countenance,
the diuel of countenance there was to be acquainted
with; the Glasse seem'd to me like a deepe water, that
I began to feele with my hands for feare I might a beene
drown'd: But finding my selfe aboue ground, and hunger
tumbling like a Porpin in my Maw, and doing the
Somerset in my Guts, I smelt a Surloine of Beefe hot
from the Spit followed the traine close, set in my foote,

drew my knife, slic'd me off a Collop, clapt it vpon a
penny loafe, went me to a side Table, consum'd it without
any body saying much good do you, or the Diuell
choake you. Set my lips to a Flagon of Beere, drunke
twice with a breath, set it downe againe, tooke it vp againe,
and drunke it as dry as a Bisket: so that I perceiue
I cannot starue. And for cloathes, 'tis no matter how I go,
no body sees me.

Enter Lord Lodwicke.
Lod.
Pray giue 'hem great charge at the outward dores
They admit none but such as are Courtiers,
The Hall must not be pestred. Wher's Ferdinand?

Ferd.
Here my Lord.

Lod.

Pray haue a care those lights be not offensiue vnto
the Ladies, they hang suspiciously, and let the hangings
be remou'd.

Ferd.

They shall my Lord, wher's Pedro?

Pedro.

Here Sir.

Fer.

Looke to those lights I pray, my Lord is very
angry, fearing they might do trespasse, and those hangings
must be remoued.

Pedro.

They shall sir,—where's any of the Groomes?

Groome.

Heere Sir.

Pedro.

Pray looke to these lights, and let the hangings
be remoued, the Gentleman Vsher has commanded it.

Groome

They shall sir, where's the fellow heere shud
looke vnto these lights, things are done so vntowardly.

Smirke

No body sees me, I come in like the aire, when
Lords and Ladies stand waiting for this officer and tother
officer, country gentlemen their pates broke, & citizens
wiues thrust vp and downe in euery corner, their
husbands kept out with flame and Torch, glad to fetch a
nap i'th Cloysters.

Enter Ferdinand, Groomes with Torches.
Groome

Beare backe there, beare backe, roome for
my Lord Lodwicke.

Lod.

Here Madame you shall face the Duke and
Duchesse, 'tis the best place to see in all the Hall.

Lady.

I thanke your honour.

Lod.

Haue a little patience, the Reuels will beginne
immediatly.

Groomes.

Roome for my Lord, beare backe, swoones
whither wud you?

Lod.

Well said, thou dost more good with thy oaths
then all they with their Trunchions.

Groo.
The Duke is comming.

Musicke.
Enuy and pleasure passe o're the stage.
Enuie.
Sports are intending which I will haue crost.
Add clouds to night, that pleasure may be lost.

Plea.
Enuy thou wound'st thy selfe in spight of thee,
This I breake foorth, and of obscuritie.

Smir.
This is the foure winds driuing of fiue
Diuels—This same Ring wud faine giue
Me the slip, I must e'ne pocket him, for
Feare of the worst.

Groome.
How now sirrah, what make you here?

Smir.
Why, do you see me?

Groome.

See you, yes marry doe I: And get you
gone quickely, or you shall feele—I see you, go, begone
this is no place for such as you.

Smirk.

Humh: Am I become a wretch againe, and
mortall?

The Masquers preparing to dance. Enter Smirke againe.
Smirk.

I am got in againe, and haue found the tricke
of it, thankes my deare Iem; a man may haue an inuisible
Ring I see, and not know of it; I wonder'd that I
grew palpable, now I perceiue how the matter went:
thankes my deare Iem, I say still, I will not lose this singer
that I haue my inuisible Ring vpon, for the best ioynt
at the Barres.

Is this all the deuices, sports, and delights, the Duke
shall haue for his money: the Proclamation promised
reward for him that coud shew any varieties, and ist all
come to a dull Masque? Ile shew his Grace some sport
my selfe, with helpe of my inuisible Ring, which now
must off againe. By your Maiesties leaue, and the rest
of the Honorable—

Duke.

How now, what's he?

Smirk.

What's he? Why he is the miracle of your
Kingdome.

Duke.

How the Miracle!

Smirk.

I, and can doe wonders—now you see me
you know me.

Fred.
Yes Sir, I do know you.

Smir.
And you know not me, you know nobody.
But keepe off my Lord.

Doril.
Prythy keepe off.

Smir.
You see me you say, Duke I speake to thee.

Duke.
Yes Sir, I see you.

Smir.
And you all see me.

Land.
We doe all see you.

Smirk.

Verie good, and I doe see all you: but what's
that to the purpose?

Land.
Very little to purpose indeede,

Smir.
Shall I demonstrate matter of Art,
And haue nothing for my paines?

Lan.

Yes marrie shall you, does not the Proclamation
tell you shall.

Smir.
Proclamations may say what they list,
Something in hand doth well.

Duke.
Somebody giue him something.

Smir.

I, but nobody heares not on that Eare, yet because
I—wonnot doe Royaltie wrong, in suspecting
your bountie—You see me you say.

Duke.

Yes we do see you.

Smir.

You do. Who sees me now?

Duke.

Trust me not I, he is inuisible to me.

Dor.

And me.

Dori.

To all.

Smir.

I shoud be sorry else; for, and my inuisible Ring
shoud not keepe his olde vertue, I wud hang my selfe
directly.

Fre.
Prithee appeare againe.

Smir.
I will haue Maiestie call me first.

Lan.
Why the Duke does call you.

Smir.
Let me heare him vuia voce, Smirke is my name
A well beloued subiect, once a Painter,
But now Esquire of the inuisible Ring.

Duke
Smirke, and our welbeloued subiect, once a
Painter, but now Esquire of the inuisible Ring,
I coniure thee to appeare againe.

Smir.
See here I am, what wudst thou mighty monarch

Duke.
I do command thee let me see the Ring,
By which thou walkst inuisible.

Smir.
I do command thee not to command me that,
For from my inuisible Ring I will not part.

Dor.
Lay hands vpon him for a sorcerer.

Smir.
Assist me my deare Ring, no hands vpon me,
For being inuisible, I am a Prince,
And being a Prince no hands is to be laid on me;
Treason doth neuer prosper.

Lan.
He is gone againe.

Smi.
You follow me by sent, but neuer find me by sight.
Ile warrant you.

Enter Spirit, Landoff, whispering with him.
Lan.
Seize it and flie.

Spirit
I am gone.

Smir.
O, O, O.

Fre.
How, who'es that exclaimes.

Smir.
The cramps in my finger.

Lan.
The Crampe.

Fre.
O sir, now you are visible againe.

Smir.

My Ring is gone now, the diuell go with it, for
a my conscience he fetcht it.

Lan.

What haue you lost your Ring.

Smir.

I, I, and my middle finger, which serued me for
more vse then all the rest.

Lan.
Thats strange.

Duke
But what is become of the Ring.

Land.
Pardon me Liedge, that vertue that it held,
Came from my Art, and at some fitter time,
I will acquaint you with the passages,
How, and the cause for what it was intended:
Your gracious Dutchesse knowes and felt the worth,

Duk.
Thy knowledge in good arts is found Landoff,
Nor will we be inquisitiue of more.
Then thou shalt thinke it fit to be reueal'd:
For all thy Actions haue bin iust and loyall,

Lod.
What meanes this Trumpet,

Lan.
Perhaps some new delights and rarer.

Enter Page.
Page
Thus was I bidden to my soueraigne,
Fall on my face, now rise I vp againe
To render to the Ladies faire salutes,
And giue them all their worthy attributes,
Wonder not that I resesolutely come,
Boldly thus daring presse into this roome,
For from a Lord and knight of eminent note,
I bring this challenge; such as can reade may know't.

Fre.
Very succinct and peremptory.

Lan.

For this day I am master of the Reuels.
Bee it knowne vnto all men that I,—of the Court,
of Saxonie, traueller, by degree a Lord, and a professed
Champion for all Ladies in the lists of peace, doe challenge
all Courtiers whatsoeuer, without exceptions, natiue
or strangers, to cōser, court, or cōplement, in silence
with discorsiue motion and true action of the face, hand,
body, & leg, & afterward with the vollubily of the tong,
to talk longest, fastest & lowd'st, for sence I stand not vpō
it, being seldome regarded by the party courted, therfore
indeed belongs not to the Courtier: also bee it farther
knowne that my assistants, Agents, or seconds, doth
challenge likewise all Courtiers whatsoeuer, at the true
compendious forme of compiling Epistles, alias, Loue-Letters,
to Ladies or Mistresses, either in Prose or Verse,
with Prouerbes, or without Prouerbes, with Sentences,
or without Sentences, Figures, or any other matter, to
be performed Extempore, or not Extempore, according
as it shall please the Challenged, which is to say,

the Defendant to determine: All which, that aforesaid,
as well as this now spoken of, shall be performed
by the said Challengers instantly; who onely staying
to heare of any Opponents, are both ready to enter.

Lod.

Here is vnexpected Sport.

Fred.

Let 'hem enter, they shall be answer'd; Smirke,
thou shalt be my Second.

Smi.

Shall I, that's some comfort yet, to put the losse
of the Ring out of my thought.
Shall I answere the Epistoler?

Fre.

I, marry shalt thou.

Smi.

Ile Pistle and Pestle him, Ile warrant him, he was
nere so pounded in his life, Ile scorne to begin after my
hearty commendations with him.

Land.

Harke, they approach.

Enter Callow, and Ranoff.
Cal.

Which is my Antagonist?

Fre.

I am he.

Ran.

And who is mine?

Smi.

Behold the man, with Pen and Inke prouided.

Ran.

Poore foole, thou wut but make thy selfe derided

Smi.

So nimble in rime, Ile first breake your head in
Prose, and afterward whip you in Verse, Ile lambaste you
in compleates.

Iul.

Nay I will not lose the honour of being the courted
Lady.

Cal.

When my talking time comes I will thanke you
Lady in langauge.

Marke how my challenge goes, twas not to talke
sence onely, but longest, fastest, lowdest, and you out
talke me that way, I'le giue you my tongue and euery
tooth I haue to make trotters on, for I was borne and

bred and must a talker, and of my quallity, this Lady has
had some smal experience, for I did promise her to proue
a talker, and for her sake do now professe, and practic't
and tis in vaine for any creature to contend with me,—
I haue out downe the Lawyers of all Nations, and all women,
Gossips at Christnings, after they haue drunke wine
the Mid-wife being there, words flow out of my mouth
like water from the Cloudes, to make a deluge, to drown
all voyces but my owne, which drums nor trumpets,
nor a Sea fright can doe.

Fre.
But a thump of the guts will.

Cal.
O.

Fre.
Tis excellent; sweete Lady to heare words,
Though they want matter, for silence does betray,
A bashfulnesse in man, vnmeete for courtiers,
For he that has a bold tongue and a free,
Can neuer want th'affection of Ladies,
Nor is it fit he shud, for he can keepe 'them,
Walking at midnight with a tedious tale,
And longer tis the better, because sleepe
Being accounted as some vse to call it,
Deaths image, other some his elder brother,
By how much we do vse it, by so much lesse,
We liue in this world and loose time and pleasure,
Which both to rich and poore is the chiefe treasure,
Why donnot you talke now.

Cal.
Talke? if I haue breath, enough to liue, I care not.

Iul.
Nay, and you giue out, you haue lost the day.

Cal.
I had not faire play shew'ne me,

Fre.
Stratagems are to be allowed, against all aduersaries
Ile haue Iudgement on't.

All.
I, I, lawfull, lawfull.

Cal.

Lawfull let it be then, but if euer I challenge a man
of his hands, to a tryall of skill with the tongue againe,
Ile forsweare talking all dayes of my life, and that I wud
be loath to doe—If I donnot feele the very breath
that shud haue beene spent in words vpwards, to twattle
downeward, I am a villaine.

Smirke

I beleeue I smell the meaning, stand farther off,
and giue roome to me and the Epistoler, you challenge
all men to compose?

Ran.

I do.

Smi,

With figures or without figures, with sentences
or without sentences.

Ran.

Tis right,

Smi.

Draw out your Pen and Inkehorne, I am for you.

Lan.

Giue 'hem roome, and set a Table forth.

Ran.

With expedition too, I put in that.

Smi.

No, expedition belongs to Clarkes, and not to Secretaries,
celerity if you will.

Ran.

I sir, Celerity, I meane so.

Smi.

No more but so, a words enough.

Fre.

But what's the subiect?

Smi.

Why each of vs is to indite an Epistle to our
Mistresse, is it not so?

Ran.

Right.

Smi.

Then write.

Dor.

This will be good mirth I hope.

Lan.

Rediculous enough.

Fre.

So it shud be, and yet my little Smirke heere has
conceit, hee'le haue some flashes.

Dor.

A couple of pretty scribes.

Ber.

The challenger has the aduantage, he might premeditate.

Fre.

No matter, Smirks best at a start, his wit is like

your Hackney, all a gallop, to which hee sayes, Vtere diligentia,
nec sis tantus cessator & calcoribus indigeas, which
is clawing the Pole, as for example in your Challenger.

Dori.

He has rub'd it out it seemes.

Fre.

Smirke goes on smoothly, without any rub,

Lan.

Yet there he had one.

Fred.

Hold bias, and a sentence then.

Ran.

Scripsi.

Smi.

Et scripsi.

Lan.

Very good, now lotdings lend your eares.

Ran.

I will read it first my selfe.

Lan.

And good reason.

Ran.

Fairest in the world, and sweetest vpon earth.

Fre.

Soe.

Ran.

I remember my duty to you in black and white.

Smi.

I wud it had beene black and blew.

Lan.

Peace.

Ran.

For all coulors else waue vnder the standard of
your beauty.

Smi.

I wonder what part of her, is Goose-turd greene:
Thats a colour.

Ran.

You are the mistresse of beauty.

Smi.

I wud a said the Queene or Empresse.

Ran.

And all other women are but your hand-maids.

Smi.

O abominable barren.

Lan.

Nay Smirke silence, you must not interrupt your
aduersary.

Ran.

I can say nothing without saying too much, nor
say too much without saying nothing.

Smi.

I must say nothing, or else I wud say something,
but heere it is shall shame thee.

Ran.

Me thinkes when thou standst'd in the sun with thy
Feather on thy head, and thy Fanne in thy hand, thou
look'st like the Phœnix of the East Indies, burning in
spices, for Cloues, Mace, and Nutmegs are in thy breath.

Smi.

She wud make an excellent Wassell-Bole.

Lan.

Againe.

Smi.

I haue done.

Ran.

The Aples of thy brest are like the Lemans of Arabia,
which makes the vessell so sweete it can neuer smell
of the Caske.

Fre.

If she shud that might proue the Brewers fault.

Ran.

Being come to your middle I must draw to an
end, for my end is at the middle because of the Prouerbe.
In Medio consistet virtus, and so I conclude: yours
while mine owne, and afterward if it were possible Marmaduke
Ranoff.

Smi.

Well now let me run on, iudgement I craue.

Fre.

Which thou shalt haue.

Smir.

Illustrious, bright shining, well spoken, and
blood stirring Lady.

Lan.

I, marry Sir.

Smir.

If the Rope of my Capacitie, could reach to the
Belfrie of your Beautie, these words of mine like siluer
Bels, might be worthy to hang in the eares of your fauor
but the Ladder of my Inuention is to low to clime vp to
the Steeple of your Vnderstanding.

All.

Excellent Smirke.

Smir.

If it were not, I shoud ring out my minde to
you in a sweet Peale of most sauory conceits, For your
face it is like the Sun, no man is able to indure it.

All.

That's very good.

Smi.

Your forehead which I will neither compare vnto
Alablaster, nor to the Lilly, but it is as it is, and

so are both your eyes, for your Nose, it is a well arched
Bridge, which for breuities sake I passe ouer: your Cheeks
are like a good Comedy, worthy to bee clapt: your
Lips, and your Teeth are incomparable; your Tongue
like the instrument of Orpheus, able to tame the furies: to
handle euery part of you were too much, but some particular
part, no man can sufficient.

Fre.

Prithee let me giue thee a box on the eare, for
that conceit.

Smi.

No my good Lord, pray keepe your bounties.
From top to toe you are a sweete vessell of delight, I dare
not say a Barrell, for oftentimes with much ioulting, the
Brewer beates out the Bunghole, and so the good liquor
runs out, but you containe yours although not hoopt about
with the old fashion'd farthing all, but after the new
fashion ti'd vp with points, to vntrusse at your pleasure,
In which pleasure I leaue you, fairest of a hundred, and
wittiest of a thousand: resting in little rest, till I rest wholy
yours, in the Downe-Bed of affection, where euer
standing to my vtmost, I rest all in all yours.

Fre.

Coud any man say more.

Ran.

Your censures heereafter Gentlmen; now Sir I
challenge you in verse, in praise of tall women, and little
women, and chuse your subiect, which you refuse Ile
take.

Smir.

Why then Ile take your little women.

Ran.

And I your lusty—proceede.

Lan.

I, heere will be some sport now.

Dor.

The Duke calls to see the Epistles.

Fre.

And they are worth his perusall.

Land.

We must haue Patience, for this verse wonnot

come of so roundly as your Prose.

Ber.

Best haue a song to entertaine the time.

Land.

'Twere not a misse.

Musicke—
A song.
Ranof.

Scripsi.

Smir.

Sed non feci, Stay a little, here's a couple of
lines, a halter on 'hem, they wonnot twist handsomely,
go forward I haue ended.

Lan.

Attention.

Ran.
Listen you tall and likewise you low man,
I sing the prayses of a bouncing woman.
A full wellset bigge-bon'd and fairely ioynted,
Fit to bid welcome men that are best appointed.

Land.

Excellent.

Ran.
To your tall woman your little one is nothing,
No more then is a high thing to a low thing.

All.

That's true.

Ran.
For your small Dandiprat, I hope there's no man
That thinks her but a hobby horse to woman.
A thing to be forgot and neuer knowne,
But on a Holyday to the rout showne.
In warres the Basilisco is preferd
Before the Musket, and is lowder heard.

Lan.

There's an error little and loude my friend, but passe it.

Ran.
In euery triumph where there is excesse,
The greater alwayes putteth downe the lesse.
The Lionesse is more admired at,
Then her Epitome, which is a Cat.

Lan.

The foole growes serious.

Fre.

He has stolne it certainly.

Lan.

No faith, it may be his own, for I thinke his braine

a little craz'd, and mad men shoot foorth strange things.

Ran.
But to weake vnderstandings now I come,
Is your small Taber musicke to your Drum.

Smir.

Hum Drum, hee has lightn'd within an Inch of
a conceit of mine.

Ran.
Or in instrument of peace, can there that triall
Be made vpon a Kit as a base Viole.
Iudge you my Masters, that on both haue playd,
It is but my opinion, and I haue sayd.

Fre.

Beleeue it he has said well, Smirke looke to your
selfe.

Smir.

I warrant you. Giue me audience.

All

Scilence.

Smir.
In praise of little women I begin.
And will maintaine what I haue enter'd in.
Is not your Parochit or Marmoset
In more request then your Baboone or Parret.
Giue but your little wench freely her licour,
And to bed send her you will find her quicker;
Pearter, nimbler, both to kisse and cogge,
Then your great wench that'll lie like a logge.
And he that all day at the Drum doth labor,
Wud at night gladly play vpon a Taber.
I hope ther's no man, but of this beliefe,
That Veale's more sweete and nourishing then Beefe:
Small meats is still prefer'd, for aske your glutton,
Heele alwayes say, Lamb's sweeter then your Mutton.
Your Smelt then whiting firmer is and sounder,
Nor must your Place compare with your neat Flounder.

Fred.

Well said, now thou art in good victuals thou't
neuer out.

Smir.
In fish or flesh Ile proue it to each wight,
A Larkes leg, then the body of a Kite
Is better farre: our Bakers alwayes make
The finest flowre in the lesser Cake.
And Ile be iudge by those that Roots do eate,
That your small Turnep's better then your great.

Land.

I am of thy mind too.

Smir.
Who lift to be resolu'd, let 'hem both trie;
In that beleefe I liue, in that Ile die.

Fred.

Incomparable Smirke, thou hast my voyce: iudgment.

All.
A Smirke, a Smirke.

Coronets.
Lan.
Loth to grow tedious, yet once more we would try
To giue content out of varietie.
Musicke.
With once dance more this night sports weele end,
Your pardon if with too much zeale we offend.

Duke
Landoff we thanke thee, and wish if any be,
All that are heere, be pleas'd as well as we.