University of Virginia Library

Shocked At Petition

As we gulped down our cracker
snacks (the petition was much
tastier) we tried to get a grasp on
one of the fluttering petitions to
read the demands. The students
were insistent, however, that we
sign first and read later.

Just at that moment, a full
professor from their department
passed through on his wheelchair
and created such a stir that we
managed to grab hold of two of the
documents. We had anticipated
extreme demands on the establishment,
but were shocked at how far
the students had actually dared to
go.

The first petition called on
professors to establish office hours.
The other asked that professors
answer pre-screened questions at
the end of class periods.

We decided the situation warranted
a closer look and asked the
students where their department
was located. As we made our way
down the maze of hallways, doors
on all sides slammed shut and locks
clicked. We even heard the screech
of a desk being pushed up against
one door.

The entrance to the department
office bore a sign which advised,
"Please Have Your Badges Ready."

It took the two of us to push
the door open a few inches and we
squeezed inside. "Shut the door,
please, it's getting cold in here," a
voice snapped.

A thin secretary with horn rimmed
glasses turned and caught
sight of us. She reached into her
leather dress and produced a luger,
which she pointed at us, asking,
"May I help you?"

"Is the department chairman
in?" we ventured.

"I'll ask the questions," she
replied. "And remember, anything
you say may go down on your
record. Student numbers?"

When we explained that we did
not attend this university, the
secretary returned the gun to its
niche. "Just a minute," she smiled.
She removed the ribbon from her
typewriter, lit a match to it, and
dropped it into a trashcan.

F that the atmosphere had
warmed somewhat, we asked who
the department chairman was. The
secretary looked doubtful. "The
chairman was elected just last
year," she replied. "And, although
you're not students, we don't want
that information to leak out."

When we asked if might have his
phone number, the secretary apologized
that Departmental Regulation
ZF-2154 prohibited the release of
any official phone numbers. This
was a rider, she explained, to the
recently-passed department criminal
statute which prohibited the
names of tenured professors to be
distinguished from those of their
colleagues in public directories.