University of Virginia Library

The No-Party Party

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WASHINGTON-Washington is
a city of medium-dry martinis and
leftover Lester Lanin. Although
Washingtonians lack the social
graces of their northern neighbors,
they do not lack for social functions.
As Drew Pearson commented
recently. "Cocktail parties
are a dine a dozen in Washington."

Mr. Pearson is quite correct in
his evaluation of their worth, but
their actual cost is more staggering.
In fact, at least one social function
in D. C. is worth 25 dollars
not to go.

ONE SENATE MRS. is sponsoring
a charity no-ball. One of
these conventional hoedowns generally
drains one's gold supply
about a hundred dollars. In return,
one gets the self-satisfaction
of having aided some forever-nameless
worthy cause, a gold star
by one's name in the social register,
and one of the most boringly
spent evenings since CBS presented
a special on air pollution.

Mrs. John Sherman Cooper,
wife of the Republican Senator
from Kentucky, decided it was
worth 25 dollars not to go to one
of those nemeses of the elite.
And indeed it must be, because she
practically has an empty house.

Invitations went out, and immediately
Washington's socialites
were astir. My friend Veritable
Void called up Lynda Bird:
"Lynda Bird, did you and Capt.
Robb get an invite to that no-ball?"

Lynda Bird, with stars in her
eyes, replied, "We sure did, honey,
and me and Robbie-poo aren't
going."

"Oh good, I just knew you
wouldn't. Let's you and I go
downtown and not buy a dress
and not have our hair done so
we won't be ready not to go."

"That's a good idea. I just
don't have a thing not to wear.
I'll go now and ask Poppa Lyndon
for the money. Bye, now."

"DADDY, CAN I HAVE 25
dollars not to go to Mrs. Cooper's
no-ball? The theme is 'The Eisenhower
Years.' "

"Well, now, I don't rightly
know. What did the Harris poll
say about it?"

"They said just nobody would
be there, so I'll have to not go,
and besides that, I've already told
Mrs. Hale Boggs I wasn't coming
to her no-party because I wasn't
going to the no-ball."

"Lynda Bird, what with my
surcharge bill and all, wouldn't
it be better if you just went. Don't
crash it if you have to."

Regrets are pouring in. Society
writers are already speculating who
won't be there without whom,
and what they won't be wearing.
One thing is certain: a good time
will be had by nobody. That will
be the ball that wasn't.