Poems, on sacred and other subjects and songs, humorous and sentimental: By the late William Watt. Third edition of the songs only--with additional songs |
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TAM TWIST. |
 | Poems, on sacred and other subjects |  |
TAM TWIST.
As e'er put shears in claith,
But he liked the Norlan' blue
As dear as he liked his breath.
His wife was a thrifty dame,
And wish'd their trade extended;
But Tam's most fav'rite aim,
Was to draw in cash to spend it.
(Spoken.)—So he would cheer up his journeymen and apprentices, frae dawn till dusk, with his favourite chorus of—
Base before ye sew—be handy;
Brew before ye drink, drink, drink, my boys;
O whisky is the dandy!
Then Nell gaed raving mad;
For then he'd curse and sink,
And ca' her a' 'twas bad:
But, when reason wad na do,
She seized him like a tiger,
And by force did him subdue,
For she sprang frae Rab M'Gregor.
(Spoken.)—But before Nell got the better o' him, there was whiles na lown sough in the house, wi' the reelin' o' chairs and stools, the jinglin' o' tangs and poker, and the squeelin' o' weans. It was like the rattlin' o' gabberty-shells, ere Nell could get him master'd, and flung in the bed like a sack o' draft, unable to sing—
He did, like ither folk,
To escape mair scaith and scorn,
Tak' a' 'twas said in joke.
Then, to shun Nell's tongue severe,
On the shop-board took his station,
Where his men he up did cheer,
With his wonton salutation—of
In its common course, or so,
As other weeks had gone;
Whiles an ebb, and whiles a flow:
Till a luckless date cam' roun',
Tam, for sax lang days, ne'er tasted,
Sae, when Saturday's sun gaed down,
To a weel-kenn'd howff he hasted.
(Spoken.)—And this was neither mair nor less than the house o' Lucky Teughcallaps, that has the sign o' the pint-stoup and haggis, at the west end o' Gibson's Wynd, the place where he aye gaed to pay his men their week's wages, and tak', what he ca'd, in his ain genteel way o' speakin', a collation. Sae, after Tam had settled wi' his men, and they had eaten tripe and cowheel, and drucken a gye twa-three half-mutchkins o' Campbelton whisky thegither, the billies slippit awa, ane after anither, on some o' their ain errands, and left their master hickuppin' a' his lane. When Tam was warslin' awa wi' the yeskin, and fa'in' rather into a dover, in comes twa firebran's o' Irishmen,—ca' for a gill, —and syne began to quarrel about cock-fightin' and badger-drawin'. Tam waukens in a wee; and, hearin' the tongues o' the Hibernians gaun like Jehu, says (hickuppin'), “Frien's, whare got ye your manners, to come stavin' into ony gentleman's company, without speerin' whether ye were made welcome or no?” “Gemmini,” says one of them, “in a' nations of a better place than your pease-brose and brimstone country, where there's nothing but starvation for back and belly, and frost and snow the whole year through!” “Confound your Irish muzzle,” cried Tam, “that has the insolence to speak lightly o' a Scotchman's kintra; but, as sure's my name's Tam Twist, I'll twist the ragged carcase o' ye like a shapin o' duffle!” And syne flang a tankard o' yill in his face, and grippit him owre the table, that gaed awa' wi' a reinge, and brak' a' that was on't. When Lucky Teughcallaps heard that, she ran to the door, and gart a' the street echo, cryin',—Police! police! But the Irishmen, dreadin' skaith, ran out o' the house as fast as their legs could carry them, no sae muckle as takin' time to pay their reckonin', leavin' Tam to clear himsel', and sing—
And seized him in a trice,
And, though he flang and flounced,
They held him like a vice;
And sometimes wad resisted,
Yet awa' their prize they bore,
For they soon were weel assisted—singing,
Amidst the roarin' croud,
Wi' rage and pride sair gall'd,
While the boys huzza'd aloud.
Soon before the judge he stands,
When he's safely moor'd in harbour,
Who consigns him to the hands
O' the doctor and the barber.
(Spoken.)—Sae ye maun be a' weel aware o' what wad follow. The doctor approved of the award of the judge, and the barber obeyed the directions of the doctor; and poor, harmless, merry Tam Twist's beard, whiskers, and bushy head, were shaven as bare as a painch, and his purse lighten'd o' five shillings, by way o' a friendly admonition, and memento, and judicious display of medical skill, to prevent inflammation of the brain, which might have arisen from the excessive exertion made in singing—
Sic a droll sicht's seldom seen,
Wi' his head sae ghastly bare,
And his hat slouch'd owre his een;
When he set it on the left,
To catch his slidd'ry head, man,
Then the right, o' hair bereft,
Was an eldritch sicht indeed, man.
(Spoken.)—But ere Tam wan hame, Nell and the weans were bedded, and the door barr'd; and when Tam gied his usual chap and countersign, she gied a wheen indistinct grumblings about drunken brutes, wasterfu' blackguards, and torments to a' that's conneckit wi' them. But when she lighted the lamp, and drew the bar o' the door, and saw a man wi' lang bare chafts, and his hat restin' on the brig o' his nose, she dash'd the door too again, and squeel'd, Murder! robbers! Sae a' that Tam could say, to convince her o' his identity, was in vain, till the nei'bours, waukened by the soun', drew near, and got an explanation o' the hale affair; syne Nell loot him in, and gied him as muckle halesome admonition as put him for ae night frae singing—
His credit in to keep,
Which made his head look trig,
Though it made his head not cheap.
Then let us all take care,
For they're dang'rous times we live in,
Lest we fall into Tam's snare,
And to purchase wigs be driven.
(Spoken.)—And, as a caution to all, I could not recommend a better maxim than Tam's favourite chorus, which, I'm sure, ye ha'e a' by heart by this time, by only alterin' the last line a kennin'—
Base before ye sew—be handy;
Brew before ye drink, drink, drink, my boys;
But ne'er let drink command ye!
| Poems, on sacred and other subjects | |