The Poetical Works of Thomas Moore :: :: University of Virginia Library

Here's a choice set of Tools for you, Ge'mmen and Ladies,
They'll fit you quite handy, whatever your trade is;
(Except it be Cabinet-making;—no doubt,
In that delicate service they're rather worn out;
Though their owner, bright youth! if he'd had his own will,
Would have bungled away with them joyously still.)
You can see they've been pretty well hack'd—and alack!
What tool is there job after job will not hack?
Their edge is but dullish, it must be confess'd,
And their temper, like E---nb'r---h's, none of the best;
But you'll find them good hard-working Tools, upon trying,
Wer't but for their brass, they are well worth the buying;

202

They're famous for making blinds, sliders, and screens,
And are, some of them, excellent turning machines.

The first Tool I'll put up (they call it a Chancellor)
Heavy concern to both purchaser and seller.
Though made of pig iron, yet worthy of note 'tis,
'Tis ready to melt at a half minute's notice.
Who bids? Gentle buyer! 'twill turn as thou shapest;
'Twill make a good thumb-screw to torture a Papist;
Or else a cramp-iron, to stick in the wall
Of some church that old women are fearful will fall;
Or better, perhaps, (for I'm guessing at random,)
A heavy drag-chain for some Lawyer's old Tandem.
Will nobody bid? It is cheap, I am sure, Sir—
Once, twice,—going, going,—thrice, gone!—it is yours, Sir.
To pay ready money you sha'n't be distrest,
As a bill at long date suits the Chancellor best.

203

Come, where's the next Tool?—Oh! 'tis here in a trice—
This implement, Ge'mmen, at first was a Vice;
(A tenacious and close sort of tool, that will let
Nothing out of its grasp it once happens to get;)
But it since has received a new coating of Tin,
Bright enough for a Prince to behold himself in.
Come, what shall we say for it? briskly! bid on,
We'll the sooner get rid of it—going—quite gone.
God be with it, such tools, if not quickly knock'd down,
Might at last cost their owner—how much? why, a Crown!

The next Tool I'll set up has hardly had handsel or
Trial as yet, and is also a Chancellor—
Such dull things as these should be sold by the gross;
Yet, dull as it is, 'twill be found to shave close,
And like other close shavers, some courage to gather,
This blade first began by a flourish on leather.

204

You shall have it for nothing—then, marvel with me
At the terrible tinkering work there must be,
Where a Tool such as this is (I'll leave you to judge it)
Is placed by ill luck at the top of the Budget!

An allusion to Lord Eld---n's lachrymose tendencies.

“Of the taxes proposed by Mr. Vansittart, that principally opposed in Parliament was the additional duty on leather.” Ann. Register.