All the workes of Iohn Taylor the Water-Poet Being Sixty and three in Number. Collected into one Volume by the Author [i.e. John Taylor]: With sundry new Additions, corrected, reuised, and newly Imprinted |
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| [A THIEFE.] |
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 | All the workes of Iohn Taylor the Water-Poet |  |
[A THIEFE.]
[An arrant Thiefe, whom euery Man may trust]
An arrant Thiefe, whom euery Man may trust:In Word and Deed exceeding true and iust.
With a Comparison betweene a Thiefe and a Booke.
[This Water Rat, (or Art) I would commend]
This Water Rat, (or Art) I would commend,But that I know not to begin or end:
He read his Verses to me, and which more is,
Did moue my Muse to write Laudem Authoris,
114
Whether would then his liquid knowledge raise him?
Read his two Treatises of Theefe and Whore,
You'l thinke it time for him to leaue his Oare.
Yet thus much of his worth I cannot smother,
'Tis well for vs when Theeues peach one another.
This Preface is but poore, 'tis by a Boy done,
That is a Scholler of the Schoole of Croydon,
Who when he hath more yeeres and learning got,
Hee'l praise him more or lesse, or not a ior.
Giuen vpon Shroue Tuesday from our seate, in the second Forme of the
famous free Schoole of Croydon.
By Richard Hatton.
[When a fresh Waterman doth turn Salt Poet]
When a fresh Waterman doth turn Salt Poet,His Muse must prattle all the world must know it:
Of Whores and Theeues (he writes two merry Bookes)
He loues them both, I know it by his lookes.
Alas, I wrong him! blame my Muse, not we,
She neuer spake before, and rude may be.
Giuen from the lowe estate of the fift Forme neere to the
Schoole doore at Croydon beforesaid.
By George Hatton.
TO THE HOPEFVLL PAIRE OF BRETHREN, AND MY WORTHY PATRONES, Master Richard, and George Hatton, Loue, Learning, and true Happinesse.
Your Muses, th'one a Youth, and one an Infant,Gaue me two Panegericks at one Instant:
The first Pen, the first line it pleas'd to walke in,
Did make my Art a Rat, and like Grimalkin,
Or a kinde needfull Vermin-coursing Cat,
By Art I play, but will not eate your Rat.
I thanke you that you did so soone determine,
To Anagram my Art into a Vermine,
For which I vow, if e're you keepe a Dayrie,
Of (now and then) a Cheese I will impaire yee.
Kinde Mr. George, your Muse must be exalted,
My Poetry you very well haue salted.
Salt keeps things sweet, & makes them rellish sau'ry,
And you haue powdred well my honest kna &c.
I thanke you to, nor will I be ingratefull,
Whilest Rime or Reason deignes to fill my pate full:
You truly say that I loue Whores and Thieues well,
And half your speech I think the world belieus wel.
For should I hate a Thiefe, Thieues are so common,
I well could neither loue my selfe or no man;
But for Whores loue, my purse would neuer hold out,
They'l Cheat and picke the Siluer and the Gold out.
You both haue grac'd my Thiefe, he hath confessed,
You (like two Shrieues) conuay'd him to be Pressed.
In mirth you write to me, on small Requesting,
For which I thanke you both, in harmlesse Lesting,
And may your Studies to such goodnesse raise you,
That God may ener loue, and good men praise you.
Yours, when you will, where you will, in what you will, as you will, with
your will, against your will; at this time, at any time, at all times, or sometimes, in pastimes.
Iohn Taylor.
This Gentleman was pleased Anagrammatically to call me Water Rat, or water Art, which I doe Anagrammatize Water-Rat, to bee A true Art.
115
A THIEFE.
I lately to the world did send a
whore,
And she was welcom, though she was but poore,
And being so, it did most strange appeare
That pouerty found any welcome here,
But when I saw that many Rich men sought
My whore, & with their coyne her freedome bought,
I mus'd, but as the cause I out did ferrit
I found some Rich in Purse, some poore in merit,
Some learned Schollers, some that scarce could spell:
Yet all did loue an honest whore, right well,
Twas onely such as those that entertain'd her,
Whilest scornfull Knaues, & witlesse Fooles disdain'd her.
Now to defend her harmelesse Innocence,
I send this Thiefe to be her Iust defence:
Against all true-men, and I'l vndertake
There are not many that dare answer make.
Then rowze my Muse, be valiant, and be briefe,
Be confident, my true and constant Thiefe:
Thy trade is scatt'red, vniuersally,
Throughout the spacious worlds Rotundity,
For all estates and functions great and small,
Are for the most part Thieues in generall,
Excepting Millers, Weauers, Taylers, and
Such true trades as no stealing vnderstand.
Thou art a Thiefe (my Booke) and being so
Thou findst thy fellowes wheresoeu'r thou goe:
Birds of a feather still will hold together,
And all the world with thee are of a feather:
The ods is, thou art a Thiefe by nomination,
And most of men are Thieues in their vocation.
Thou neither dost cog, cheat, steale, sweare or lye,
Or gather'st goods by false dishonesty,
And thou shalt liue when many of the Crue
Shall in a Halter bid the world Adue.
And now a thought into my minde doth fall,
To proue whence Thieues haue their originall:
I finde that Iupiter did watonly
On Maya get a sonne call'd Mercury,
To whom the people oft did sacrifice,
Accounting him the God of Merchandize:
Of Eloquence, and rare inuention sharpe,
And that he first of all deuis'd the Harpe.
The God of Tumblers, Iuglers, fooles and Iesters,
Of Thieues and fidlers that the earth bepesters,
Faire Uenus was his Sister, and I finde
He was to her so much vnkindely kinde,
That hee on her begat Hermophrodite,
As Ouid very wittily doth write:
His wings on head and heeles true Emblems bee,
How quick he can inuent, how quickly flee:
By him are Thieues inspirde, and from his gift
They plot to steale and run away most swift:
In their conceits and sleights, no men are sharper,
Each one as nimble-finger'd as a Harper.
Thus Thieuing is not altogether base,
But is descended from a lofty Race.
Moreouer euery man, himselfe doth show
To be the Sonne of Adam, for wee know
He stole the Fruit, and euer since his Seed,
To steale from one another haue agreed.
Our Infancy is Theft, 'tis manifest
Wee crie and Rob our Parents of their Rest:
Our Childe-hood Robs vs of our Infancy,
And youth doth steale our childe-hood wantonly:
Then Man-hood pilfers all our youth away,
And middle-age our Man-hood doth conuay
Vnto the Thieuing hands of feeble age:
Thus are wee all Thieues, all our Pilgrimage,
In all which progresse many times by stealth,
Strange sicknesses doe Rob vs of our health.
Rage steales our Reason, Enuy thinkes it fit
To steale our Loue, whilest Folly steales our wit.
Pride filcheth from vs our Humility,
And Lechery doth steale our honesty,
Base Auarice, our Conscience doth purloin,
Whilest sloth to steale our mindes from work doth ioyne:
Time steales vpon vs, whilest wee take small care,
And makes vs old before wee be aware:
Sleepe and his brother Death conspite our fall,
The one steales halfe our liues, the other all.
Thus are wee Robb'd by Morpheus, and by Mors,
Till in the end, each Corps is but a Coarse,
Note but the seasons of the yeere, and see
How they like Thieues to one another bee;
From Winters frozen face, through snow & showres,
The Spring doth steale roots, plants, buds & flowers,
Then Summer Robs the Spring of natures sute,
And haruest Robs the Summer of his fruite,
Then Winter comes againe, and he bereaues
The Haruest of the Graine, and Trees of Leaues,
And thus these seasons Rob each other still
Round in their course, like Horses in a mill.
The Elements, Earth, Water, Ayre, and Fire
To rob each other daily doe conspire:
The fiery Sun from th'Ocean, and each Riuer
Exhales their Waters, which they all deliuer:
This water, into Clowdes the Ayre doth steale,
Where it doth vnto Snow or Haile congeale,
Vntill at last Earth robs the Ayre againe
Of his stolne Treasure, Haile, Sleete, Snow or Raine.
Thus be it hot or cold, or dry or wet,
These Thieues, from one another steale and get.
Night robs vs of the day, and day of night:
Light pilfers darknes, and the darknes light.
Thus life, death, seasons, and the Elements,
And day and night, for Thieues are presidents.
Two arrant Thieues we euer beare about vs,
The one within, the other is without vs;
All that we get by toyle, or industry,
Our Backes and Bellies steale continually:
For though men labour with much care and carke,
Lie with the Lamb downe, rise vp with the Larke,
Sweare and forsweare, deceaue, and lie and cog,
And haue a Conscience worse then any Dog,
Be most vngracious, extreme vile and base,
And (so he gaine) not caring for disgrace:
Let such a Man or Woman count their gaines,
They haue but meat, and raiment for their paines.
No more haue they that doe liue honestest,
Those that can say their Consciences are best,
Their Bellies and their Backes, day, night and houre,
The fruits of all their labours doe deuoure:
These Thieues doe rob vs, with our owne good will,
And haue dame natures warrant for it still,
Sometimes these Sharks doe worke each others wracke,
The rauening Belly, often robs the backe:
Will feed like Diues, with Quaile, Raile, & Pheasant,
And be attir'd all tatter'd like a Peasant.
Sometimes the gawdy Backe mans Belly pines,
For which he often with Duke Humphrey dines:
The whilest the mind defends this hungry stealth,
And saies a temp'rate dyet maintaines health,
Let Corland cry, let guts with famine mourne,
The maw's vnseene, good outsides must be worne,
Thus doe these Thieues rob vs, and in this pother
The mind consents, and then they rob each other:
Our knowledge and our learning (oft by chance)
Doth steale and rob vs of our ignorance:
Yet ignorance may sometimes gaine promotion
(Where it is held the mother of deuotion)
But knowledge ioyn'd with learning, are poore things,
That many times a man to begg'ry brings:
And fortune very oft doth iustly fit
Some to haue all the wealth, some all the wit.
Tobacco robs some men, if so it list,
It steales their coyne (as Thieues doe) in a mist:
Some men to rob the pot will ne'r refraine,
Vntill the pot rob them of all againe.
A prodigall can steale exceeding briefe,
Picks his owne purse, and is his owne deare Thiefe:
And thus within vs, and without vs we
Are Thieues, and by Thieues alwaies pillag'd be.
First then vnto the greatest Thieues of all,
Whose Thieu'ry is most high and capitall:
You that for pomp, and Titles transitory,
Rob your Almighty Maker of his Glory,
And giue the honour due to him alone,
Vnto a carued block, a stock or stone,
An image, a similitude, or feature
Of Angell, Saint, or Man, or any creature,
To Altars, Lamps, to Holy-bread, or Waters,
To shrines, or tapers, or such iugling matters,
To reliques of the dead, or of the liuing;
This is the most supremest kind of Thieuing.
Besides they all commit this fellony,
That breake the Sabbath day maliciously,
God giues vs six daies, and himselfe hath one,
Wherein he would (with thanks) be call'd vpon:
And those that steale that day to bad abuses,
Rob God of honour, without all excuses:
Vnto these Thieues, my Thiefe doth plainly tell,
That though they hang not here, they shall in hell,
Except repentance, (and vnworthy Guerdon
Through our Redeemers merits) gaine their pardon.
Then there's a crue of Thieues that prie and lurch,
And steale and share the liuings of the Church;
These are hells factors, merchants of all euill,
Rob God of soules, and giue them to the Deuill,
For where the tythe of many a Parish may
Allow a good sufficient Preacher pay,
Yet hellish pride or lust, or auarice,
Or one or other foule licencious vice,
Robs learning, robs the people of their teaching,
(Who in seuen yeeres perhaps doe heare no preaching)
When as the Parsonage by account is found
Yeerely worth two, three or foure hundred pound,
Yet are those Soules seru'd, or else staru'd, I feare,
With a poore Reader for eight pounds a yeere.
A Preacher breakes to vs the Heau'nly Bread,
Whereby our straying Soules are taught and fed:
And for this heau'nly worke of his, 'tis sence
That men allow him earthly recompence.
For shall he giue vs food that's spirituall,
And not haue meanes to feed him corporall?
No sure: (of all men) 'tis most manifest,
A painfull Churchman earnes his wages best.
Those that keepe backe the Tythes, I tell them true,
Are arrant Thieues in robbing God of's due:
For he that robs Gods Church (t'encrease his pelfe)
'Tis most apparent, he robs God himselfe.
The Patron oft deales with his Minister
As Dionysius did with Iupiter,
He stole his golden Cloake, and put on him
A Coat of cotton, (nothing neere so trim)
And to excuse his theft, he said the gold
Was (to be worne) in Winter time, too cold,
But in the Summer, 'twas too hot and heauy,
And so some Patrones vse the tribe of Leuy:
That for the Winters cold, or Summers heat,
They are so pold, they scarce haue cloathes & meat.
Amongst the rest, there may some pastors be.
Who enter in through cursed Simonie:
But all such are notorious Thieues therefore,
They climb the wall, & not come through the dore:
Thus Menelaus did the Priesthood win
From Iason, by this simonayck sin,
For he did pay three hundred tallents more
Then Iason would (or could) disburse therefore.
And many a mitred Pope and Cardinall
This way haue got their state Pontificall:
These rob and steale, for which all good men grieues,
And make the house of prayer a den of Thieues.
But though the Hangman, here they can out-face,
Yet they shall all hang in a worser place.
Then there are Thieues, who make the Church their gaines,
Who can preach well, yet will not take the paines:
Dumb dogs, or rau'ning wolues, whose carelesse care
Doth fat themselues & keepe their flocks most bare.
Besides Church-wardens, with a griping fist,
Like Thieues may rob their Vestry, if they list.
The poores neglector (O I pardon craue)
Collector I should say, may play the knaue,
The Thiefe I would haue said, but chuse you whether,
He may be both, and so he may be neither.
So leauing Church-Thieues, with their cursed stealth,
I'll now descend vnto the Common wealth.
And yet me thinkes I should not passe the Court,
But sure Thieues dare not thither to resort.
But of all Thieues in any Kings Dominion,
A flatterer is a cutpurse of opinion,
That like a pick-pocket, doth lye and wayte,
To steale himselfe into a mans conceit.
This Thiefe will often dawbe a great mans vice,
Or rate his vertue at too low a price,
Or at too high a pitch his worth will raise,
To fill his eares with flatt'ry any wayes.
Surueyors, and Purueyors, now and then
May steale, and yet be counted honest men.
When men doe for their liuing labour true,
He's a base Thiefe, that payes them not their due.
They are all Thieues, that liue vpon the fruits
Of Monopolies, of vngodly suits.
The Iudge or Iustice that do bribes desire,
Like Thieues, deserue a halter for their hire.
A Reuerend Father, worthy of beleeuing,
Said, Taking bribes was Gentleman-like Thieuing.
A Merchant now and then his goods may bring,
And steale the custome, and so rob the King.
Thieues they are all, that scrape and gather treasures,
By wares deceitfull, or false weights or measures.
That Landlord is a Thiefe that rackes his rents,
And mounts the price of rotten tenements,
Almost vnto a damned double rate,
And such a Thiefe as that , my selfe had late.
A paire of louers, are starke Thieues, for they
Doe kindly steale each others heart away.
Extortioners, I Thieues may truly call,
Who take more int'rest then the principall.
Executors, and ouer-seers Thieuing,
Haue often wrong'd the dead, and rob'd the liuing.
All those within the ranke of Thieues must be,
That trust their wares out from three months to three,
And make their debtors thrice the worth to pay,
Because they trust them, these are Thieues I say,
That doe sell time, which vnto God belongs,
And begger whom they trust most, with these wrongs.
He is a Thiefe, and basely doth purloyne,
Who borroweth of his neighbours goods, or coyne,
And can, but will no satisfaction giue,
These are the most notorious Thieues that liue:
Vpon such Thieues (if Law the same allow'd)
A hanging were exceeding well bestow'd.
A Farmer is a Thiefe, that hoards vp graine
In hope of dearth, by either drouth or raine,
He steales Gods treasures, and doth quite forget,
That ouer them hee's but a Steward set,
And for this rob'ry he deserues to weare
A riding knot an inch below his eare
Of drinking Thieues exceeding store there are,
That steale themselues drunke e're they be aware:
These are right rob-pots, rob-wits, and rob-purses,
To gaine diseases, begg'ry, and Gods curses.
Drawers, and Tapsters too, are Thieues I thinke,
That nick their pots, and cheat men of their drinke;
And when guests haue their liquor in their braine,
Steale pots halfe full, to fill them vp againe.
Though this be Thieu'ry, yet I must confesse,
'Tis honest Theft to punish Drunkennesse.
And of small Thieues, the Tapster I preferre,
He is a Drunkards executioner,
For whilest his money lasts, he much affects him,
Then, with the rod of pouerty corrects him.
A Chamberlaine vnto his guests may creepe,
And pick their pockets, when th'are drunke asleepe:
But amongst Thieues, that are of low repute,
An Hostler is a Thiefe, most absolute:
He with a candles end Horse teeth can grease,
They shall eat neither hay, oates, beanes, or pease,
Besides a hole ith Manger, and a Bag
Hang'd vnderneath, may coozen many a Nag,
And ipecially, if in a Stable darke,
If one doe not the Hostlers knau'ry marke,
He will deceiue a man, before his face,
On the peck's bottome, some few oats hee'l place,
Which seemes as if it to the brim were full,
And thus the knaue both man and horse will gull.
If he breake horse-bread, he can thus much doe,
Amongst fiue loaues, his codpiece swallowes two:
The Hostler sayes the horse hath one good tricke,
Quicke at his meat, he needs must trauell quicke.
If men, at full racke for their horse-meat pay,
So hard into the racke hee'l tread the Hay,
That out, the poore beasts cannot get a bit,
And th'Hostler's held an honest man for it,
For who would thinke the horses want their right,
When as the racke is still full, day and night?
With bottles, if men will haue horses fed,
To each a groats-worth ere they goe to bed,
The Thieuish Hostler can rob horse and men,
And steale the bottles from the racke agen,
And put in Hay that's pist vpon, I wot,
Which being dry'd, no horse will eat a iot.
And all such Hostlers, wheresoe'r they bee,
Deserue a horses night-cap for their fee.
One stole a wife, and married her in poast,
A hanging had bin better stolne, almost:
By her he night and day was long perplex'd,
Cornuted, scolded at, defam'd, and vext,
That (in comparison of all his paine)
A friendly hanging had beene mighty gaine.
There's an old speech, a Tayler is a Thiefe,
And an old speech he hath for his reliefe,
I'll not equiuocate, I'll giue him's due,
He (truly) steales not, or he steales not, true.
Those that report so, mighty wrong doe doe him,
For how can he steale that, that's brought vnto him?
And it may be they were false idle speeches,
That one brought Cotton once, to line his Breeches,
And that the Tayler laid the Cotton by,
And with old painted Cloth, the roome supply,
Which as the owner (for his vse) did weare,
A nayle or sceg, by chance his breech did teare,
At which he saw the linings, and was wroth,
For Diues and Lazarus on the painted Cloth,
The Gluttons dogs, and hels fire hotly burning,
With fiends and fleshhookes, whence ther's no returning.
He rip'd the other breech, and there he spide
The pamper'd Prodigall on cockhorse ride:
There was his fare, his fidlers, and his whores,
His being poore, and beaten out of doores,
His keeping hogs, his eating huskes for meat,
His lamentation, and his home retreat,
His welcome to his father, and the feast,
The fat calfe kill'd, all these things were exprest.
These transformations fild the man with feare,
That he hell fire within his breech should beare,
He mus'd what strange inchantments he had bin in,
That turn'd his linings, into painted linnen.
His feare was great, but at the last to rid it,
A Wizard told him, 'twas the Tayler did it.
One told me of a miller that had power
Sometimes to steale fiue bushels out of foure:
As once a windmill (out of breath) lack'd winde,
A fellow brought foure bushels there to grinde,
And hearing neither noyse of knap or tiller,
Laid downe his corne, and went to seeke the miller:
Some two flight-shoot to th'Alehouse he did wag,
And left his sacke in keeping with his Nag,
The miller came a by-way vp the hill,
And saw the sacke of corne stand at the mill,
Perceiuing none that could his theft gaine-say,
For toll tooke bagge and grist, and all away.
And a crosse-way vnto the Alehouse hy'd him,
Whereas the man that sought him, quickly spide him.
Kind miller (quoth the man) I left but now
A sacke of wheat, and I intreat that thou
Wilt walke vp to the mill where it doth lye,
And grinde it for me now the winde blowes hye.
So vp the hill they went, and quickly found
The bagge and corne, stolne from the ground vngroun'd.
The poore man with his losse was full of griefe,
He, and the miller went to seeke the Thiefe,
Or else the corne: at last all tyr'd and sad,
(Seeking both what he had not, and he had)
The miller (to appease or ease his paine)
Sold him one bushell of his owne againe.
Thus out of foure the man fiue bushels lost,
Accounting truely all his corne and cost.
To mend all of this Thieuing millers brood,
One halfe houres hanging would be very good.
But there's a kind of stealing mysticall,
Pick-pocket wits, filch lines Sophisticall,
Villaines in verse, base runagates in rime,
False rob-wits, and contemned slaues of time,
Purloyning Thieues, that pilfer from desart
The due of study, and reward of art.
Pot Poets, that haue skill to steale translations,
And (into English) filch strange tongues and Nations,
And change the language of good wits vnknowne,
These Thieuish Rascals print them for their owne.
Mistake me not (good Reader) any wayes,
Translators doe deserue respect and praise,
For were it not for them, we could not haue
A Bible, that declares our soules to saue,
And many thousands worthy workes would lye
Not vnderstood, or in obscurity,
If they by learned mens intelligence,
Were not translated with great diligence:
I honour such, and he that doth not so,
May his soule sinke to euerlasting woe.
I speake of such as steale regard and fame,
Who doe translate, and hide the Authors name,
Or such as are so barren of inuention,
That cannot write a line worth note, or mention,
Yet vpon those that can, will belch their spite,
And with malicious tongues their names backbite.
To this effect I oft haue wrote before,
And am inforced now this one time more,
To take my pen againe into my fist,
And answer a deprauing Emblemist;
I spare to name him, but I tell him plaine,
If e'r he dare abuse me so againe,
I'll whip him with a yerking Satyres lash,
Fang'd like th'inuectiue muse of famouse Nash;
That he shall wish he had not beene, or beene
Hang'd, e'r he mou'd my iust incensed spleene.
He hath reported most maliciously,
In sundry places amongst company,
That I doe neither write, nor yet inuent
The things, that (in my name) doe passe in print:
But that some Scholler spends his time and braine,
And lets me haue the glory and the gaine.
Is any Poet in that low degree,
To make his muse worke iourney-worke to me?
Or are my lines with eloquence imbellish'd,
As any learning in them may be relish'd?
Those that thinke so, they either iudge in haste,
Or else their iudgements pallat's out of taste.
My pen in Helicon I ne'r did dip,
And all my Schollership is Schullership,
I am an English-man, and haue the scope
To write in mine owne Countries speech (I hope)
For Homer was a Grecian, and I note
That all his workes in the Greeke tongue he wrote:
Virgill, and Ouid, neither did contemne
To vse that speech, their mothers taught to them.
Du Bartas, Petrarcke, Tasso, all their muses
Did vse the language that their country vses.
And though I know but English, I suppose
I haue as many tongues as some of those.
Their studies were much better, yet I say,
I vse my countries speech, and so did they.
Because my name is Taylor, some doe doubt,
My best inuention comes by stealing out
From other Writers workes, but I reply,
And giue their donbtfull diffidence the lye.
To cloze this point I must be very briefe,
And call them Knaues, that call me Poet Thiefe.
But yet a Poets theft, I must not smother,
For they doe often steale from one another:
They call it borrowing, but I thinke it true,
To tearme it stealing, were a style more due.
There is a speech, that Poets still are poore,
But ne'r till now I knew the cause wherefore:
Which is, when their inuentions are at best.
Then they are daily rob'd, 'tis manifest;
For noble Thieues and poore Thieues all conioyne,
From painfull Writers studies to purloyne,
And steale their flashes, and their sparks of wit,
Still vtt'ring them at all occasions fit,
As if they were their owne, and these men are
For their stolne stuffe esteemed wise and rare.
They call it borrowing, but I tell them plaine,
'Tis stealing, for they neuer pay againe.
The vse of money's eight i' th'hundred still,
And men in Bonds bound, as the owner will;
But wit and Poetry (more worth then treasure)
Is from the owners borrowed, at mens pleasure,
And to the Poets lot it still doth fall,
To lose both interest and principall.
This is the canse that Poets are poore men,
Th'are rob'd, and lend, and ne'r are paid agen.
'Tis said that Iacob (counsel'd by his mother)
Did steale his fathers blessing from his brother,
This was a theft which few wil imitate,
Their fathers blessings are of no such rate,
For though some sonnes might haue them for the crauing,
Yet they esteeme them scarcely worth the hauing.
Their fathers money they would gladly steale,
But for their blessings they regard no deale.
And by their waters you may guesse and gather,
That they were sicke and grieued of the Father:
But on such Thieues as those, I plainly say,
A hansome hanging were not cast away.
Some Thieues may through an admirable skill,
An honest Common-wealth both pole and pill:
These fellowes steale secure as they were Millers,
And are substantiall men, their Countries Pillers:
Purloyning polers, or the Barbers rather,
That shaue a Kingdome. cursed wealth to gather:
These Pillers, or these Caterpillers swarmes,
Grow rich, and purchase goods by others harmes,
And liue like Fiends, extremely fear'd and hated;
And are, and shall be euer execrated.
A King of Britaine once Catellus nam'd,
Vpon Record his Charity is fam'd:
His iustice, and his memory was so ample,
He hang'd vp all oppressours, for example.
If that Law once againe were in request,
Then, of all trades a Hangman were the best.
These are the brood of Barrabas, and these
Can rob, and be let loose againe at ease,
Whilst Christ (in his poore members) euery day,
Doth suffer (through their Theft) and pine away.
And sure all men, of whatsoe'r degree,
Of Science, Art, or Trade, or Mystery,
Or Occupation, whatsoe'r they are,
For truth cannot with Watermen compare.
I know there's some obiections may be made,
How they are rude, vnciuill in their trade:
But that is not the question I propound,
I say no Theft can in the trade be found;
Our greatest foes by no meanes can reueale,
Which way we can deceiue, or cheat, or steale:
We take men in, and Land them at their pleasure,
And neuer bate them halfe an inch of measure;
Still at one price our selues we waste and weare,
Though all things else be mounted double deare:
And in a word, I must conclude and say,
A Waterman can be a Thiefe no way:
Except one way, which I had halfe forgot,
He now and then perhaps may rob the pot,
Steale himselfe drunke, and be his owne Purspicker,
And chimically turnes his coyne to liquor.
This is almost a vniuersall Theft,
A portion Fathers to their Sonnes haue left:
Men are begot, and doe like their begetters,
And Watermen doe learne it of their betters.
Ther's nothing that doth make them poore & bare,
but b'cause they are such true men as they are:
For if they would but steale like other men,
The Gallowes would deuoure them now and then;
Whereby their number quickly would be lesse,
Which (to their wants) would be a good redresse.
Their pouerty doth from their truth proceed,
Their way to thriue were to be Thieues indeed:
If they would steale, and hang, as others doe,
Those that suruiue it were a helpe vnto;
Truth is their trade, & truth doth keepe them poore,
But if their truth were lesse, their wealth were more,
All sorts of men, worke all the meanes they can,
To make a Thiefe of euery Water-man:
And as it were in one consent they ioyne,
To trot by land i'th' dirt, and saue their coine.
Carroaches, Coaches, Iades and Flanders Mares,
Doe rob vs of our shares, our wares, our Fares:
Against the ground we stand and knocke our heeles,
Whilest all our profit runs away on wheeles;
And whosoeuer but obserues and notes,
The great increase of Coaches and of Boates,
Shall finde their number more then e'r they were
By halfe and more within these thirty yeeres.
Then Water-men at Sea had seruice still,
And those that staid at home had worke at will:
Then vpstart Helcart-Coaehes were to seeke,
A man could scarce see twenty in a weeke,
But now I thinke a man may daily see,
More then the Whirries on the Thames can be.
When Queene Elizabeth came to the Crowne,
A Coach in England then was scarcely knowne,
Then 'twas as rare to see one, as to spy
A Tradesman that had neuer told a lye:
But now, like plagues of Egypt, they doe swarme,
As thicke as Frogs, or Lice, vnto our harme.
For though the King, the Counsell, and such States
As are of high superiour rankes and rates,
For port or pleasure, may their Coaches haue,
Yet 'tis not fit that euery Whore or Knaue,
And fulsome Madams, and new scuruy Squires,
Should iolt the streets in pomp, at their desires,
Like great triumphant Tamberlaines, each day,
Drawne with the pamper'd Iades of Belgia,
That almost all the streets are choak'd out-right,
Where men can hardly passe, from morne till night.
Whilest Watermen want worke, and are at ease,
To carry one another, if they please,
Or else sit still, and poorely starue and dye;
For all their liuings on foure Wheeles doe flye.
Good Reader thinke it not too long, or much,
That I thus amply on this point doe tutch:
Now we are borne, we would our worke apply
To labour, and to liue vntill we dye;
And we could liue well, but for Coaches thieuing,
That euery day doe rob vs of our liuing.
If we, by any meanes, could learne the skill,
To rob the Coachmen, as they rob vs still;
Then in the Sessions booke it would appeare,
They would be hang'd fiue hundred in a yeare.
Besides, it is too manifestly knowne,
They haue the Sadlers trade almost o'rthrowne:
And the best Leather in our Kingdome they
Consume and waste; for which poore men do pay:
Our Bootes & Shooes to such high price they reare,
That all our profit can buy none to weare.
I in Bohemia saw that all but Lords,
Or men of worth, had Coaches drawne with cords:
And I my necke vnto the rope would pawne,
That if our Hackney ratlers were so drawne,
With cords, or ropes, or halters, chuse ye whether,
It quickly would bring downe the price of Leather.
The Watermen should haue more worke I hope,
When euery hireling Coach drawne with a rope,
Would make our Gallants stomacke at the matter,
And now and then to spend their coyne by water.
Without all flattery, here my minde I breake,
The Prouerb saies, Giue loosers leaue to speake:
They carry all our Fares, and make vs poore,
That to our Boates we scarce can get a Whore.
Some honest men and women now and then
Will spend their moneyes amongst Watermen:
But we are growne so many, and againe,
Our fares so few, that little is our gaine.
Yet for all this (to giue the Diuell his due)
Our honest trade can no wayes be vntrue.
If some be rude amongst the multitude,
'Tis onely want of worke that makes them rude:
'Tis want of money, and of manners too,
That makes them doe as too too oft they doo:
And euery good thing that in them is scant,
It still must be imputed to their want.
But leauing true men, I must turne my stile
To paltry Thieues, whose glory is their guile:
For thrice three hundred of them from me tooke,
Some of them ready money, some a Booke,
And set their hands to Bils, to pay to me,
When I from Scotland should returned be.
Crownes, pounds, or Angels, what they pleas'd to write,
I haue their fists to shew in blacke and white.
And after that, I to Bohemia went,
And gaue out money, and much money spent:
And for these things, those Thieues in generall,
Will neither giue me gaine or Principall.
I lately wrote a Pamphlet to the Crue,
That spake their due, for keeping of my due:
Wherein I gaue them thankes that had me paid,
And pardon'd those that in their graues were laid:
To those that were exceeding poore, or fled,
(Except good words) I very little sed;
I praid for them that onely would and could not,
And I inueigh'd at those that could and would not.
And let those shifters their owne Iudges be,
If they haue not bin arrant Thieues to me;
For first and last they tooke (with their good wils)
Neere fifteene hundred Bookes vpon their bils,
And all their hands (if I the truth may vtter)
Are worse then obligations seald with butter:
For I haue in my store (not worth a Louse)
As many Bils as well may thatch a House;
And there I haue the hands of Knights and Squires:
And Omnium gatherum cheating knaues and lyers,
Seuen hundred in a Galley mawfrey, Close,
Which I would sell for fifteene pence the Groce:
They'l neither pay with cōming, nor with sending,
And are (like old Boots) past all hope of mending.
First they did rob me of my expectation,
And made me walke a long perambulation:
And as my Royall Master, when I came,
The good Prince, and my Lord of Buckingham
With many more of honour, worship, and
Men of inferiour callings in this Land,
Were bountifull to me at my returne;
Yet I like one that doth one Candle burne
In seeking of another, spent their gifts
To finde out sharkes, and complements, and shifts.
Theft is the best name I can giue their crime,
They rob me of my Bookes, my coine, and time,
Of others bounty, and mine owne good hopes;
And for this Theft I leaue them to the Ropes.
I speake to those that can and will not pay,
When in the streets I meete them euery day,
They doe not much mistake, if they doe thinke
I wish them hang'd for keeping of my chinke.
Thus haue touch'd a crue of Thieuing fellowes,
That rob beyond the compasse of the Gallowes:
Whilest many little Thieues are hang'd vp dead,
That onely steale for need, to finde them bread:
As Pharaoh's fat Kine did the leane deuoure,
So great Thieues swallow small ones by their pow'r.
And sure I thinke that common Burglaries.
Pick-pockets, Highway-Thieues, and Pilferies,
And all that thus felloniously doe Thieue,
Are Thieues whose labours many doe relieue.
Who but poore Thieues doe Iaylors wants supply?
On whom doe Vnder-Keepers still rely?
From Thieuing, money still is gotten thus,
For many a Warrant and a Mittimus;
And if men were not apt to filch and Thieue,
'Twere worse for many a high and vnder Shrieue.
The Halter-maker, and the Smith are getters,
For fatall twist, and pondrous bolts and fetters.
The Carman hath a share amongst the rest,
Although not voluntary, yet hee's prest.
The Ballad-maker doth some profit reape,
And makes a Tiburne Dirge exceeding cheape,
The whil'st the Printers, and the dolefull Singers,
Doe in these gainfull businesse dip their fingers.
The very Hangman hath the sleight and skill,
To extract all his goods from others ill;
He is the Epilogue vnto the Law,
And from the iawes of death his life doth draw.
And last, the Hangmans Broaker reapes the fruit,
By selling to one Thiefe anothers suit.
Besides, Thieues are fit members: for 'tis knowne,
They make men carefull how to keepe their owne;
For were it not for them, we still should lye
Rock'd in the Cradle of security:
Lull'd in base idlenesse, and sluggish sloth,
Apt to all ill, and to all goodnesse loth:
Which would infect vs, and corrupt the bloud,
And therefore for our healths sake Theeues are good.
And some men are so prone to steale, I thinke,
It is as nat'rall as their meate and drinke,
They are borne to't, and cannot doe withall,
And must be filching still, what e'r befall.
A wispe of rushes, or a clod of land,
Or any wadde of hay that's next to hand
They'l steale, and for it haue a good excuse;
They doe't to keepe their hands in vre, or vse:
But not t'excuse a Thiefe in any case;
I say there are some crimes as void of grace,
On whom men scarce haue feeling or a thought,
Nor e'r like Thieues are to the Gallowes brought.
Those that obey false gods, commit offence
Against th'Eternall Gods Omnipotence.
Those that doe grauen Images adore,
Are worse then Thieues, yet are not hang'd therfore;
Tis treason high to take Gods name in vaine,
Yet most men do't, through frailty, or for gaine.
The Sabbath is prophan'd continually,
Whilest the offenders pay small penalty.
And Parents are dishonour'd, without awe,
The whilest the children doe escape the law:
And murther, though't be ne'r so foule and deadly,
Is oft times made man-slaughter or chance-medley.
Adultery's neighbourhood, and fornication,
May be conniu'd at, with a toleration.
A Witnesse, that false testimony beares,
'Tis a great wonder if he lose his eares.
But sure the Prouerbe is as true as briefe,
A Lyer's euer worser then a Thiefe,
And 'tis call'd Thrift, when men their minds doe set,
To couet how their Neighbours goods to get.
To be vaine-glorious, and ambitious proud,
Are Gentleman-like parts, must be allow'd.
To beare an Enuy, base and secretly,
'Tis counted Wisedome, and great Policy.
To be a Drunkard, and the Cat to whip,
Is call'd the King of all good Fellowship.
But for a Thiefe, the whole world doth consent,
That hanging is the fittest punishment.
But if that Law were put in execution,
I thinke it would be Man-kindes dissolution:
And then we should haue Land and Tenements
For nothing, or for very easie Rents:
Whereby we see that man his wealth esteemes,
And better then his God, his soule it deemes:
For let God be abusde, and let his soule
Runne greedily into offences soule,
He scarcely shall be question'd for't, but if
(Amongst his other sinnes) he play the Thiefe.
And steale mens goods, they all will sentence giue,
He must be hang'd, he is vnfit to liue.
In the Low Countryes, if a wretch doe steale
But bread, or meat, to feed himselfe a meale,
They will vnmercifully beat and clowt him,
Hale, pull, and teare, & spurne, & kicke, & flowt him.
But if a Drunkard be vnpledg'd a Kan,
Drawes out his knife and basely stabs a man,
To runne away the Rascall shall haue scope,
None holds him, but all cry, Lope Scellum Lope.
Thus there's a close conniuence for all vice,
Except for Theft, and that's a hanging price.
One man's addicted to blaspheme and sweare,
A second to carowse, and domineere:
A third to whoring, and a fourth to fight,
And kill and slay, a fist man to backbite,
A sixt and seuenth, with this or that crime caught,
And all in generall much worse then naught,
And amongst all these sinners generall,
The Thiefe must winne the halter from them all,
When if the matter should examin'd be,
They doe deserue it all, as much as he.
Nor yet, is Thieuery any vpstart sinne,
But it of long antiquity hath bin:
And by this trade great men haue not disdain'd,
To winne renowne, and haue their states maintain'd.
Great Alexanders conquests, what were they
But taking others goods and lands away?
(In manners) I must call it Martiall dealing,
But truth will terme it rob'ry, and flat stealing,
For vnto all the world it is well knowne,
That he by force, tooke what was not his owne.
Some Writers are with Tamberlaine so briefe,
To stile him with the name of Seythian Thiefe.
Licurgus lou'd, and granted gifts beside
To Thieues that could steale, and escape vnspide:
But if they taken with the manner were,
They must restore, and buy the bargaine deere.
Thieues were at all times euer to be had,
Examples by the good Thiefe and the bad.
And England still hath bin a fruitfull Land
Of valiant Thieues, that durst bid true men stand.
One Bellin Dun , a famous Thiefe suruiu'd,
From whom the cowne of Dunstable's deriu'd:
And Robin Hood with little Iohn agreed
To rob the rich men, and the poore to feede.
The Priests had here such small meanes for their liuing,
That many of them were enforc'd to Thieuing.
Once the fist Henry could rob ex'lent well,
When he was Prince of Wales, as Stories tell.
Then Fryer Tucke a tall stout Thiefe indeed,
Could better rob and steale, then preach or read.
Sir Gosselin Deinuill, with 200. more,
In Fryers weedes, rob'd and were hang'd therefore.
Thus I in Stories, and by proofe doe finde,
That stealing's very old, time out of minde,
E'r I was borne, it through the world was spred,
And will be when I from the world am dead.
But leauing thus, my Muse in hand hath tooke,
To shew which way a Thiefe is like a Booke.
And she was welcom, though she was but poore,
And being so, it did most strange appeare
That pouerty found any welcome here,
But when I saw that many Rich men sought
My whore, & with their coyne her freedome bought,
I mus'd, but as the cause I out did ferrit
I found some Rich in Purse, some poore in merit,
Some learned Schollers, some that scarce could spell:
Yet all did loue an honest whore, right well,
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Whilest scornfull Knaues, & witlesse Fooles disdain'd her.
Now to defend her harmelesse Innocence,
I send this Thiefe to be her Iust defence:
Against all true-men, and I'l vndertake
There are not many that dare answer make.
Then rowze my Muse, be valiant, and be briefe,
Be confident, my true and constant Thiefe:
Thy trade is scatt'red, vniuersally,
Throughout the spacious worlds Rotundity,
For all estates and functions great and small,
Are for the most part Thieues in generall,
Excepting Millers, Weauers, Taylers, and
Such true trades as no stealing vnderstand.
Thou art a Thiefe (my Booke) and being so
Thou findst thy fellowes wheresoeu'r thou goe:
Birds of a feather still will hold together,
And all the world with thee are of a feather:
The ods is, thou art a Thiefe by nomination,
And most of men are Thieues in their vocation.
Thou neither dost cog, cheat, steale, sweare or lye,
Or gather'st goods by false dishonesty,
And thou shalt liue when many of the Crue
Shall in a Halter bid the world Adue.
And now a thought into my minde doth fall,
To proue whence Thieues haue their originall:
I finde that Iupiter did watonly
On Maya get a sonne call'd Mercury,
To whom the people oft did sacrifice,
Accounting him the God of Merchandize:
Of Eloquence, and rare inuention sharpe,
And that he first of all deuis'd the Harpe.
The God of Tumblers, Iuglers, fooles and Iesters,
Of Thieues and fidlers that the earth bepesters,
Faire Uenus was his Sister, and I finde
He was to her so much vnkindely kinde,
That hee on her begat Hermophrodite,
As Ouid very wittily doth write:
His wings on head and heeles true Emblems bee,
How quick he can inuent, how quickly flee:
By him are Thieues inspirde, and from his gift
They plot to steale and run away most swift:
In their conceits and sleights, no men are sharper,
Each one as nimble-finger'd as a Harper.
Thus Thieuing is not altogether base,
But is descended from a lofty Race.
Moreouer euery man, himselfe doth show
To be the Sonne of Adam, for wee know
He stole the Fruit, and euer since his Seed,
To steale from one another haue agreed.
Our Infancy is Theft, 'tis manifest
Wee crie and Rob our Parents of their Rest:
Our Childe-hood Robs vs of our Infancy,
And youth doth steale our childe-hood wantonly:
Then Man-hood pilfers all our youth away,
And middle-age our Man-hood doth conuay
Vnto the Thieuing hands of feeble age:
Thus are wee all Thieues, all our Pilgrimage,
In all which progresse many times by stealth,
Strange sicknesses doe Rob vs of our health.
Rage steales our Reason, Enuy thinkes it fit
To steale our Loue, whilest Folly steales our wit.
Pride filcheth from vs our Humility,
And Lechery doth steale our honesty,
Base Auarice, our Conscience doth purloin,
Whilest sloth to steale our mindes from work doth ioyne:
Time steales vpon vs, whilest wee take small care,
And makes vs old before wee be aware:
Sleepe and his brother Death conspite our fall,
The one steales halfe our liues, the other all.
Thus are wee Robb'd by Morpheus, and by Mors,
Till in the end, each Corps is but a Coarse,
Note but the seasons of the yeere, and see
How they like Thieues to one another bee;
From Winters frozen face, through snow & showres,
The Spring doth steale roots, plants, buds & flowers,
Then Summer Robs the Spring of natures sute,
And haruest Robs the Summer of his fruite,
Then Winter comes againe, and he bereaues
The Haruest of the Graine, and Trees of Leaues,
And thus these seasons Rob each other still
Round in their course, like Horses in a mill.
The Elements, Earth, Water, Ayre, and Fire
To rob each other daily doe conspire:
The fiery Sun from th'Ocean, and each Riuer
Exhales their Waters, which they all deliuer:
This water, into Clowdes the Ayre doth steale,
Where it doth vnto Snow or Haile congeale,
Vntill at last Earth robs the Ayre againe
Of his stolne Treasure, Haile, Sleete, Snow or Raine.
Thus be it hot or cold, or dry or wet,
These Thieues, from one another steale and get.
Night robs vs of the day, and day of night:
Light pilfers darknes, and the darknes light.
Thus life, death, seasons, and the Elements,
And day and night, for Thieues are presidents.
Two arrant Thieues we euer beare about vs,
The one within, the other is without vs;
All that we get by toyle, or industry,
Our Backes and Bellies steale continually:
For though men labour with much care and carke,
Lie with the Lamb downe, rise vp with the Larke,
Sweare and forsweare, deceaue, and lie and cog,
And haue a Conscience worse then any Dog,
Be most vngracious, extreme vile and base,
And (so he gaine) not caring for disgrace:
Let such a Man or Woman count their gaines,
They haue but meat, and raiment for their paines.
No more haue they that doe liue honestest,
Those that can say their Consciences are best,
Their Bellies and their Backes, day, night and houre,
The fruits of all their labours doe deuoure:
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And haue dame natures warrant for it still,
Sometimes these Sharks doe worke each others wracke,
The rauening Belly, often robs the backe:
Will feed like Diues, with Quaile, Raile, & Pheasant,
And be attir'd all tatter'd like a Peasant.
Sometimes the gawdy Backe mans Belly pines,
For which he often with Duke Humphrey dines:
The whilest the mind defends this hungry stealth,
And saies a temp'rate dyet maintaines health,
Let Corland cry, let guts with famine mourne,
The maw's vnseene, good outsides must be worne,
Thus doe these Thieues rob vs, and in this pother
The mind consents, and then they rob each other:
Our knowledge and our learning (oft by chance)
Doth steale and rob vs of our ignorance:
Yet ignorance may sometimes gaine promotion
(Where it is held the mother of deuotion)
But knowledge ioyn'd with learning, are poore things,
That many times a man to begg'ry brings:
And fortune very oft doth iustly fit
Some to haue all the wealth, some all the wit.
Tobacco robs some men, if so it list,
It steales their coyne (as Thieues doe) in a mist:
Some men to rob the pot will ne'r refraine,
Vntill the pot rob them of all againe.
A prodigall can steale exceeding briefe,
Picks his owne purse, and is his owne deare Thiefe:
And thus within vs, and without vs we
Are Thieues, and by Thieues alwaies pillag'd be.
First then vnto the greatest Thieues of all,
Whose Thieu'ry is most high and capitall:
You that for pomp, and Titles transitory,
Rob your Almighty Maker of his Glory,
And giue the honour due to him alone,
Vnto a carued block, a stock or stone,
An image, a similitude, or feature
Of Angell, Saint, or Man, or any creature,
To Altars, Lamps, to Holy-bread, or Waters,
To shrines, or tapers, or such iugling matters,
To reliques of the dead, or of the liuing;
This is the most supremest kind of Thieuing.
Besides they all commit this fellony,
That breake the Sabbath day maliciously,
God giues vs six daies, and himselfe hath one,
Wherein he would (with thanks) be call'd vpon:
And those that steale that day to bad abuses,
Rob God of honour, without all excuses:
Vnto these Thieues, my Thiefe doth plainly tell,
That though they hang not here, they shall in hell,
Except repentance, (and vnworthy Guerdon
Through our Redeemers merits) gaine their pardon.
Then there's a crue of Thieues that prie and lurch,
And steale and share the liuings of the Church;
These are hells factors, merchants of all euill,
Rob God of soules, and giue them to the Deuill,
For where the tythe of many a Parish may
Allow a good sufficient Preacher pay,
Yet hellish pride or lust, or auarice,
Or one or other foule licencious vice,
Robs learning, robs the people of their teaching,
(Who in seuen yeeres perhaps doe heare no preaching)
When as the Parsonage by account is found
Yeerely worth two, three or foure hundred pound,
Yet are those Soules seru'd, or else staru'd, I feare,
With a poore Reader for eight pounds a yeere.
A Preacher breakes to vs the Heau'nly Bread,
Whereby our straying Soules are taught and fed:
And for this heau'nly worke of his, 'tis sence
That men allow him earthly recompence.
For shall he giue vs food that's spirituall,
And not haue meanes to feed him corporall?
No sure: (of all men) 'tis most manifest,
A painfull Churchman earnes his wages best.
Those that keepe backe the Tythes, I tell them true,
Are arrant Thieues in robbing God of's due:
For he that robs Gods Church (t'encrease his pelfe)
'Tis most apparent, he robs God himselfe.
The Patron oft deales with his Minister
As Dionysius did with Iupiter,
He stole his golden Cloake, and put on him
A Coat of cotton, (nothing neere so trim)
And to excuse his theft, he said the gold
Was (to be worne) in Winter time, too cold,
But in the Summer, 'twas too hot and heauy,
And so some Patrones vse the tribe of Leuy:
That for the Winters cold, or Summers heat,
They are so pold, they scarce haue cloathes & meat.
Amongst the rest, there may some pastors be.
Who enter in through cursed Simonie:
But all such are notorious Thieues therefore,
They climb the wall, & not come through the dore:
Thus Menelaus did the Priesthood win
From Iason, by this simonayck sin,
For he did pay three hundred tallents more
Then Iason would (or could) disburse therefore.
And many a mitred Pope and Cardinall
This way haue got their state Pontificall:
These rob and steale, for which all good men grieues,
And make the house of prayer a den of Thieues.
But though the Hangman, here they can out-face,
Yet they shall all hang in a worser place.
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Who can preach well, yet will not take the paines:
Dumb dogs, or rau'ning wolues, whose carelesse care
Doth fat themselues & keepe their flocks most bare.
Besides Church-wardens, with a griping fist,
Like Thieues may rob their Vestry, if they list.
The poores neglector (O I pardon craue)
Collector I should say, may play the knaue,
The Thiefe I would haue said, but chuse you whether,
He may be both, and so he may be neither.
So leauing Church-Thieues, with their cursed stealth,
I'll now descend vnto the Common wealth.
And yet me thinkes I should not passe the Court,
But sure Thieues dare not thither to resort.
But of all Thieues in any Kings Dominion,
A flatterer is a cutpurse of opinion,
That like a pick-pocket, doth lye and wayte,
To steale himselfe into a mans conceit.
This Thiefe will often dawbe a great mans vice,
Or rate his vertue at too low a price,
Or at too high a pitch his worth will raise,
To fill his eares with flatt'ry any wayes.
Surueyors, and Purueyors, now and then
May steale, and yet be counted honest men.
When men doe for their liuing labour true,
He's a base Thiefe, that payes them not their due.
They are all Thieues, that liue vpon the fruits
Of Monopolies, of vngodly suits.
The Iudge or Iustice that do bribes desire,
Like Thieues, deserue a halter for their hire.
A Reuerend Father, worthy of beleeuing,
Said, Taking bribes was Gentleman-like Thieuing.
A Merchant now and then his goods may bring,
And steale the custome, and so rob the King.
Thieues they are all, that scrape and gather treasures,
By wares deceitfull, or false weights or measures.
That Landlord is a Thiefe that rackes his rents,
And mounts the price of rotten tenements,
Almost vnto a damned double rate,
And such a Thiefe as that , my selfe had late.
A paire of louers, are starke Thieues, for they
Doe kindly steale each others heart away.
Extortioners, I Thieues may truly call,
Who take more int'rest then the principall.
Executors, and ouer-seers Thieuing,
Haue often wrong'd the dead, and rob'd the liuing.
All those within the ranke of Thieues must be,
That trust their wares out from three months to three,
And make their debtors thrice the worth to pay,
Because they trust them, these are Thieues I say,
That doe sell time, which vnto God belongs,
And begger whom they trust most, with these wrongs.
He is a Thiefe, and basely doth purloyne,
Who borroweth of his neighbours goods, or coyne,
And can, but will no satisfaction giue,
These are the most notorious Thieues that liue:
Vpon such Thieues (if Law the same allow'd)
A hanging were exceeding well bestow'd.
A Farmer is a Thiefe, that hoards vp graine
In hope of dearth, by either drouth or raine,
He steales Gods treasures, and doth quite forget,
That ouer them hee's but a Steward set,
And for this rob'ry he deserues to weare
A riding knot an inch below his eare
Of drinking Thieues exceeding store there are,
That steale themselues drunke e're they be aware:
These are right rob-pots, rob-wits, and rob-purses,
To gaine diseases, begg'ry, and Gods curses.
Drawers, and Tapsters too, are Thieues I thinke,
That nick their pots, and cheat men of their drinke;
And when guests haue their liquor in their braine,
Steale pots halfe full, to fill them vp againe.
Though this be Thieu'ry, yet I must confesse,
'Tis honest Theft to punish Drunkennesse.
And of small Thieues, the Tapster I preferre,
He is a Drunkards executioner,
For whilest his money lasts, he much affects him,
Then, with the rod of pouerty corrects him.
A Chamberlaine vnto his guests may creepe,
And pick their pockets, when th'are drunke asleepe:
But amongst Thieues, that are of low repute,
An Hostler is a Thiefe, most absolute:
He with a candles end Horse teeth can grease,
They shall eat neither hay, oates, beanes, or pease,
Besides a hole ith Manger, and a Bag
Hang'd vnderneath, may coozen many a Nag,
And ipecially, if in a Stable darke,
If one doe not the Hostlers knau'ry marke,
He will deceiue a man, before his face,
On the peck's bottome, some few oats hee'l place,
Which seemes as if it to the brim were full,
And thus the knaue both man and horse will gull.
If he breake horse-bread, he can thus much doe,
Amongst fiue loaues, his codpiece swallowes two:
The Hostler sayes the horse hath one good tricke,
Quicke at his meat, he needs must trauell quicke.
If men, at full racke for their horse-meat pay,
So hard into the racke hee'l tread the Hay,
That out, the poore beasts cannot get a bit,
And th'Hostler's held an honest man for it,
For who would thinke the horses want their right,
When as the racke is still full, day and night?
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To each a groats-worth ere they goe to bed,
The Thieuish Hostler can rob horse and men,
And steale the bottles from the racke agen,
And put in Hay that's pist vpon, I wot,
Which being dry'd, no horse will eat a iot.
And all such Hostlers, wheresoe'r they bee,
Deserue a horses night-cap for their fee.
One stole a wife, and married her in poast,
A hanging had bin better stolne, almost:
By her he night and day was long perplex'd,
Cornuted, scolded at, defam'd, and vext,
That (in comparison of all his paine)
A friendly hanging had beene mighty gaine.
There's an old speech, a Tayler is a Thiefe,
And an old speech he hath for his reliefe,
I'll not equiuocate, I'll giue him's due,
He (truly) steales not, or he steales not, true.
Those that report so, mighty wrong doe doe him,
For how can he steale that, that's brought vnto him?
And it may be they were false idle speeches,
That one brought Cotton once, to line his Breeches,
And that the Tayler laid the Cotton by,
And with old painted Cloth, the roome supply,
Which as the owner (for his vse) did weare,
A nayle or sceg, by chance his breech did teare,
At which he saw the linings, and was wroth,
For Diues and Lazarus on the painted Cloth,
The Gluttons dogs, and hels fire hotly burning,
With fiends and fleshhookes, whence ther's no returning.
He rip'd the other breech, and there he spide
The pamper'd Prodigall on cockhorse ride:
There was his fare, his fidlers, and his whores,
His being poore, and beaten out of doores,
His keeping hogs, his eating huskes for meat,
His lamentation, and his home retreat,
His welcome to his father, and the feast,
The fat calfe kill'd, all these things were exprest.
These transformations fild the man with feare,
That he hell fire within his breech should beare,
He mus'd what strange inchantments he had bin in,
That turn'd his linings, into painted linnen.
His feare was great, but at the last to rid it,
A Wizard told him, 'twas the Tayler did it.
One told me of a miller that had power
Sometimes to steale fiue bushels out of foure:
As once a windmill (out of breath) lack'd winde,
A fellow brought foure bushels there to grinde,
And hearing neither noyse of knap or tiller,
Laid downe his corne, and went to seeke the miller:
Some two flight-shoot to th'Alehouse he did wag,
And left his sacke in keeping with his Nag,
The miller came a by-way vp the hill,
And saw the sacke of corne stand at the mill,
Perceiuing none that could his theft gaine-say,
For toll tooke bagge and grist, and all away.
And a crosse-way vnto the Alehouse hy'd him,
Whereas the man that sought him, quickly spide him.
Kind miller (quoth the man) I left but now
A sacke of wheat, and I intreat that thou
Wilt walke vp to the mill where it doth lye,
And grinde it for me now the winde blowes hye.
So vp the hill they went, and quickly found
The bagge and corne, stolne from the ground vngroun'd.
The poore man with his losse was full of griefe,
He, and the miller went to seeke the Thiefe,
Or else the corne: at last all tyr'd and sad,
(Seeking both what he had not, and he had)
The miller (to appease or ease his paine)
Sold him one bushell of his owne againe.
Thus out of foure the man fiue bushels lost,
Accounting truely all his corne and cost.
To mend all of this Thieuing millers brood,
One halfe houres hanging would be very good.
But there's a kind of stealing mysticall,
Pick-pocket wits, filch lines Sophisticall,
Villaines in verse, base runagates in rime,
False rob-wits, and contemned slaues of time,
Purloyning Thieues, that pilfer from desart
The due of study, and reward of art.
Pot Poets, that haue skill to steale translations,
And (into English) filch strange tongues and Nations,
And change the language of good wits vnknowne,
These Thieuish Rascals print them for their owne.
Mistake me not (good Reader) any wayes,
Translators doe deserue respect and praise,
For were it not for them, we could not haue
A Bible, that declares our soules to saue,
And many thousands worthy workes would lye
Not vnderstood, or in obscurity,
If they by learned mens intelligence,
Were not translated with great diligence:
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May his soule sinke to euerlasting woe.
I speake of such as steale regard and fame,
Who doe translate, and hide the Authors name,
Or such as are so barren of inuention,
That cannot write a line worth note, or mention,
Yet vpon those that can, will belch their spite,
And with malicious tongues their names backbite.
To this effect I oft haue wrote before,
And am inforced now this one time more,
To take my pen againe into my fist,
And answer a deprauing Emblemist;
I spare to name him, but I tell him plaine,
If e'r he dare abuse me so againe,
I'll whip him with a yerking Satyres lash,
Fang'd like th'inuectiue muse of famouse Nash;
That he shall wish he had not beene, or beene
Hang'd, e'r he mou'd my iust incensed spleene.
He hath reported most maliciously,
In sundry places amongst company,
That I doe neither write, nor yet inuent
The things, that (in my name) doe passe in print:
But that some Scholler spends his time and braine,
And lets me haue the glory and the gaine.
Is any Poet in that low degree,
To make his muse worke iourney-worke to me?
Or are my lines with eloquence imbellish'd,
As any learning in them may be relish'd?
Those that thinke so, they either iudge in haste,
Or else their iudgements pallat's out of taste.
My pen in Helicon I ne'r did dip,
And all my Schollership is Schullership,
I am an English-man, and haue the scope
To write in mine owne Countries speech (I hope)
For Homer was a Grecian, and I note
That all his workes in the Greeke tongue he wrote:
Virgill, and Ouid, neither did contemne
To vse that speech, their mothers taught to them.
Du Bartas, Petrarcke, Tasso, all their muses
Did vse the language that their country vses.
And though I know but English, I suppose
I haue as many tongues as some of those.
Their studies were much better, yet I say,
I vse my countries speech, and so did they.
Because my name is Taylor, some doe doubt,
My best inuention comes by stealing out
From other Writers workes, but I reply,
And giue their donbtfull diffidence the lye.
To cloze this point I must be very briefe,
And call them Knaues, that call me Poet Thiefe.
But yet a Poets theft, I must not smother,
For they doe often steale from one another:
They call it borrowing, but I thinke it true,
To tearme it stealing, were a style more due.
There is a speech, that Poets still are poore,
But ne'r till now I knew the cause wherefore:
Which is, when their inuentions are at best.
Then they are daily rob'd, 'tis manifest;
For noble Thieues and poore Thieues all conioyne,
From painfull Writers studies to purloyne,
And steale their flashes, and their sparks of wit,
Still vtt'ring them at all occasions fit,
As if they were their owne, and these men are
For their stolne stuffe esteemed wise and rare.
They call it borrowing, but I tell them plaine,
'Tis stealing, for they neuer pay againe.
The vse of money's eight i' th'hundred still,
And men in Bonds bound, as the owner will;
But wit and Poetry (more worth then treasure)
Is from the owners borrowed, at mens pleasure,
And to the Poets lot it still doth fall,
To lose both interest and principall.
This is the canse that Poets are poore men,
Th'are rob'd, and lend, and ne'r are paid agen.
'Tis said that Iacob (counsel'd by his mother)
Did steale his fathers blessing from his brother,
This was a theft which few wil imitate,
Their fathers blessings are of no such rate,
For though some sonnes might haue them for the crauing,
Yet they esteeme them scarcely worth the hauing.
Their fathers money they would gladly steale,
But for their blessings they regard no deale.
And by their waters you may guesse and gather,
That they were sicke and grieued of the Father:
But on such Thieues as those, I plainly say,
A hansome hanging were not cast away.
Some Thieues may through an admirable skill,
An honest Common-wealth both pole and pill:
These fellowes steale secure as they were Millers,
And are substantiall men, their Countries Pillers:
Purloyning polers, or the Barbers rather,
That shaue a Kingdome. cursed wealth to gather:
These Pillers, or these Caterpillers swarmes,
Grow rich, and purchase goods by others harmes,
And liue like Fiends, extremely fear'd and hated;
And are, and shall be euer execrated.
A King of Britaine once Catellus nam'd,
Vpon Record his Charity is fam'd:
His iustice, and his memory was so ample,
He hang'd vp all oppressours, for example.
If that Law once againe were in request,
Then, of all trades a Hangman were the best.
These are the brood of Barrabas, and these
Can rob, and be let loose againe at ease,
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Doth suffer (through their Theft) and pine away.
And sure all men, of whatsoe'r degree,
Of Science, Art, or Trade, or Mystery,
Or Occupation, whatsoe'r they are,
For truth cannot with Watermen compare.
I know there's some obiections may be made,
How they are rude, vnciuill in their trade:
But that is not the question I propound,
I say no Theft can in the trade be found;
Our greatest foes by no meanes can reueale,
Which way we can deceiue, or cheat, or steale:
We take men in, and Land them at their pleasure,
And neuer bate them halfe an inch of measure;
Still at one price our selues we waste and weare,
Though all things else be mounted double deare:
And in a word, I must conclude and say,
A Waterman can be a Thiefe no way:
Except one way, which I had halfe forgot,
He now and then perhaps may rob the pot,
Steale himselfe drunke, and be his owne Purspicker,
And chimically turnes his coyne to liquor.
This is almost a vniuersall Theft,
A portion Fathers to their Sonnes haue left:
Men are begot, and doe like their begetters,
And Watermen doe learne it of their betters.
Ther's nothing that doth make them poore & bare,
but b'cause they are such true men as they are:
For if they would but steale like other men,
The Gallowes would deuoure them now and then;
Whereby their number quickly would be lesse,
Which (to their wants) would be a good redresse.
Their pouerty doth from their truth proceed,
Their way to thriue were to be Thieues indeed:
If they would steale, and hang, as others doe,
Those that suruiue it were a helpe vnto;
Truth is their trade, & truth doth keepe them poore,
But if their truth were lesse, their wealth were more,
All sorts of men, worke all the meanes they can,
To make a Thiefe of euery Water-man:
And as it were in one consent they ioyne,
To trot by land i'th' dirt, and saue their coine.
Carroaches, Coaches, Iades and Flanders Mares,
Doe rob vs of our shares, our wares, our Fares:
Against the ground we stand and knocke our heeles,
Whilest all our profit runs away on wheeles;
And whosoeuer but obserues and notes,
The great increase of Coaches and of Boates,
Shall finde their number more then e'r they were
By halfe and more within these thirty yeeres.
Then Water-men at Sea had seruice still,
And those that staid at home had worke at will:
Then vpstart Helcart-Coaehes were to seeke,
A man could scarce see twenty in a weeke,
But now I thinke a man may daily see,
More then the Whirries on the Thames can be.
When Queene Elizabeth came to the Crowne,
A Coach in England then was scarcely knowne,
Then 'twas as rare to see one, as to spy
A Tradesman that had neuer told a lye:
But now, like plagues of Egypt, they doe swarme,
As thicke as Frogs, or Lice, vnto our harme.
For though the King, the Counsell, and such States
As are of high superiour rankes and rates,
For port or pleasure, may their Coaches haue,
Yet 'tis not fit that euery Whore or Knaue,
And fulsome Madams, and new scuruy Squires,
Should iolt the streets in pomp, at their desires,
Like great triumphant Tamberlaines, each day,
Drawne with the pamper'd Iades of Belgia,
That almost all the streets are choak'd out-right,
Where men can hardly passe, from morne till night.
Whilest Watermen want worke, and are at ease,
To carry one another, if they please,
Or else sit still, and poorely starue and dye;
For all their liuings on foure Wheeles doe flye.
Good Reader thinke it not too long, or much,
That I thus amply on this point doe tutch:
Now we are borne, we would our worke apply
To labour, and to liue vntill we dye;
And we could liue well, but for Coaches thieuing,
That euery day doe rob vs of our liuing.
If we, by any meanes, could learne the skill,
To rob the Coachmen, as they rob vs still;
Then in the Sessions booke it would appeare,
They would be hang'd fiue hundred in a yeare.
Besides, it is too manifestly knowne,
They haue the Sadlers trade almost o'rthrowne:
And the best Leather in our Kingdome they
Consume and waste; for which poore men do pay:
Our Bootes & Shooes to such high price they reare,
That all our profit can buy none to weare.
I in Bohemia saw that all but Lords,
Or men of worth, had Coaches drawne with cords:
And I my necke vnto the rope would pawne,
That if our Hackney ratlers were so drawne,
With cords, or ropes, or halters, chuse ye whether,
It quickly would bring downe the price of Leather.
The Watermen should haue more worke I hope,
When euery hireling Coach drawne with a rope,
Would make our Gallants stomacke at the matter,
And now and then to spend their coyne by water.
Without all flattery, here my minde I breake,
The Prouerb saies, Giue loosers leaue to speake:
They carry all our Fares, and make vs poore,
That to our Boates we scarce can get a Whore.
Some honest men and women now and then
Will spend their moneyes amongst Watermen:
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Our fares so few, that little is our gaine.
Yet for all this (to giue the Diuell his due)
Our honest trade can no wayes be vntrue.
If some be rude amongst the multitude,
'Tis onely want of worke that makes them rude:
'Tis want of money, and of manners too,
That makes them doe as too too oft they doo:
And euery good thing that in them is scant,
It still must be imputed to their want.
But leauing true men, I must turne my stile
To paltry Thieues, whose glory is their guile:
For thrice three hundred of them from me tooke,
Some of them ready money, some a Booke,
And set their hands to Bils, to pay to me,
When I from Scotland should returned be.
Crownes, pounds, or Angels, what they pleas'd to write,
I haue their fists to shew in blacke and white.
And after that, I to Bohemia went,
And gaue out money, and much money spent:
And for these things, those Thieues in generall,
Will neither giue me gaine or Principall.
I lately wrote a Pamphlet to the Crue,
That spake their due, for keeping of my due:
Wherein I gaue them thankes that had me paid,
And pardon'd those that in their graues were laid:
To those that were exceeding poore, or fled,
(Except good words) I very little sed;
I praid for them that onely would and could not,
And I inueigh'd at those that could and would not.
And let those shifters their owne Iudges be,
If they haue not bin arrant Thieues to me;
For first and last they tooke (with their good wils)
Neere fifteene hundred Bookes vpon their bils,
And all their hands (if I the truth may vtter)
Are worse then obligations seald with butter:
For I haue in my store (not worth a Louse)
As many Bils as well may thatch a House;
And there I haue the hands of Knights and Squires:
And Omnium gatherum cheating knaues and lyers,
Seuen hundred in a Galley mawfrey, Close,
Which I would sell for fifteene pence the Groce:
They'l neither pay with cōming, nor with sending,
And are (like old Boots) past all hope of mending.
First they did rob me of my expectation,
And made me walke a long perambulation:
And as my Royall Master, when I came,
The good Prince, and my Lord of Buckingham
With many more of honour, worship, and
Men of inferiour callings in this Land,
Were bountifull to me at my returne;
Yet I like one that doth one Candle burne
In seeking of another, spent their gifts
To finde out sharkes, and complements, and shifts.
Theft is the best name I can giue their crime,
They rob me of my Bookes, my coine, and time,
Of others bounty, and mine owne good hopes;
And for this Theft I leaue them to the Ropes.
I speake to those that can and will not pay,
When in the streets I meete them euery day,
They doe not much mistake, if they doe thinke
I wish them hang'd for keeping of my chinke.
Thus haue touch'd a crue of Thieuing fellowes,
That rob beyond the compasse of the Gallowes:
Whilest many little Thieues are hang'd vp dead,
That onely steale for need, to finde them bread:
As Pharaoh's fat Kine did the leane deuoure,
So great Thieues swallow small ones by their pow'r.
And sure I thinke that common Burglaries.
Pick-pockets, Highway-Thieues, and Pilferies,
And all that thus felloniously doe Thieue,
Are Thieues whose labours many doe relieue.
Who but poore Thieues doe Iaylors wants supply?
On whom doe Vnder-Keepers still rely?
From Thieuing, money still is gotten thus,
For many a Warrant and a Mittimus;
And if men were not apt to filch and Thieue,
'Twere worse for many a high and vnder Shrieue.
The Halter-maker, and the Smith are getters,
For fatall twist, and pondrous bolts and fetters.
The Carman hath a share amongst the rest,
Although not voluntary, yet hee's prest.
The Ballad-maker doth some profit reape,
And makes a Tiburne Dirge exceeding cheape,
The whil'st the Printers, and the dolefull Singers,
Doe in these gainfull businesse dip their fingers.
The very Hangman hath the sleight and skill,
To extract all his goods from others ill;
He is the Epilogue vnto the Law,
And from the iawes of death his life doth draw.
And last, the Hangmans Broaker reapes the fruit,
By selling to one Thiefe anothers suit.
Besides, Thieues are fit members: for 'tis knowne,
They make men carefull how to keepe their owne;
For were it not for them, we still should lye
Rock'd in the Cradle of security:
Lull'd in base idlenesse, and sluggish sloth,
Apt to all ill, and to all goodnesse loth:
Which would infect vs, and corrupt the bloud,
And therefore for our healths sake Theeues are good.
And some men are so prone to steale, I thinke,
It is as nat'rall as their meate and drinke,
They are borne to't, and cannot doe withall,
And must be filching still, what e'r befall.
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Or any wadde of hay that's next to hand
They'l steale, and for it haue a good excuse;
They doe't to keepe their hands in vre, or vse:
But not t'excuse a Thiefe in any case;
I say there are some crimes as void of grace,
On whom men scarce haue feeling or a thought,
Nor e'r like Thieues are to the Gallowes brought.
Those that obey false gods, commit offence
Against th'Eternall Gods Omnipotence.
Those that doe grauen Images adore,
Are worse then Thieues, yet are not hang'd therfore;
Tis treason high to take Gods name in vaine,
Yet most men do't, through frailty, or for gaine.
The Sabbath is prophan'd continually,
Whilest the offenders pay small penalty.
And Parents are dishonour'd, without awe,
The whilest the children doe escape the law:
And murther, though't be ne'r so foule and deadly,
Is oft times made man-slaughter or chance-medley.
Adultery's neighbourhood, and fornication,
May be conniu'd at, with a toleration.
A Witnesse, that false testimony beares,
'Tis a great wonder if he lose his eares.
But sure the Prouerbe is as true as briefe,
A Lyer's euer worser then a Thiefe,
And 'tis call'd Thrift, when men their minds doe set,
To couet how their Neighbours goods to get.
To be vaine-glorious, and ambitious proud,
Are Gentleman-like parts, must be allow'd.
To beare an Enuy, base and secretly,
'Tis counted Wisedome, and great Policy.
To be a Drunkard, and the Cat to whip,
Is call'd the King of all good Fellowship.
But for a Thiefe, the whole world doth consent,
That hanging is the fittest punishment.
But if that Law were put in execution,
I thinke it would be Man-kindes dissolution:
And then we should haue Land and Tenements
For nothing, or for very easie Rents:
Whereby we see that man his wealth esteemes,
And better then his God, his soule it deemes:
For let God be abusde, and let his soule
Runne greedily into offences soule,
He scarcely shall be question'd for't, but if
(Amongst his other sinnes) he play the Thiefe.
And steale mens goods, they all will sentence giue,
He must be hang'd, he is vnfit to liue.
In the Low Countryes, if a wretch doe steale
But bread, or meat, to feed himselfe a meale,
They will vnmercifully beat and clowt him,
Hale, pull, and teare, & spurne, & kicke, & flowt him.
But if a Drunkard be vnpledg'd a Kan,
Drawes out his knife and basely stabs a man,
To runne away the Rascall shall haue scope,
None holds him, but all cry, Lope Scellum Lope.
Thus there's a close conniuence for all vice,
Except for Theft, and that's a hanging price.
One man's addicted to blaspheme and sweare,
A second to carowse, and domineere:
A third to whoring, and a fourth to fight,
And kill and slay, a fist man to backbite,
A sixt and seuenth, with this or that crime caught,
And all in generall much worse then naught,
And amongst all these sinners generall,
The Thiefe must winne the halter from them all,
When if the matter should examin'd be,
They doe deserue it all, as much as he.
Nor yet, is Thieuery any vpstart sinne,
But it of long antiquity hath bin:
And by this trade great men haue not disdain'd,
To winne renowne, and haue their states maintain'd.
Great Alexanders conquests, what were they
But taking others goods and lands away?
(In manners) I must call it Martiall dealing,
But truth will terme it rob'ry, and flat stealing,
For vnto all the world it is well knowne,
That he by force, tooke what was not his owne.
Some Writers are with Tamberlaine so briefe,
To stile him with the name of Seythian Thiefe.
Licurgus lou'd, and granted gifts beside
To Thieues that could steale, and escape vnspide:
But if they taken with the manner were,
They must restore, and buy the bargaine deere.
Thieues were at all times euer to be had,
Examples by the good Thiefe and the bad.
And England still hath bin a fruitfull Land
Of valiant Thieues, that durst bid true men stand.
One Bellin Dun , a famous Thiefe suruiu'd,
From whom the cowne of Dunstable's deriu'd:
And Robin Hood with little Iohn agreed
To rob the rich men, and the poore to feede.
The Priests had here such small meanes for their liuing,
That many of them were enforc'd to Thieuing.
Once the fist Henry could rob ex'lent well,
When he was Prince of Wales, as Stories tell.
Then Fryer Tucke a tall stout Thiefe indeed,
Could better rob and steale, then preach or read.
Sir Gosselin Deinuill, with 200. more,
In Fryers weedes, rob'd and were hang'd therefore.
Thus I in Stories, and by proofe doe finde,
That stealing's very old, time out of minde,
E'r I was borne, it through the world was spred,
And will be when I from the world am dead.
But leauing thus, my Muse in hand hath tooke,
To shew which way a Thiefe is like a Booke.
124
A Comparison betweene a Thiefe and a Booke.
Comparisons are odious, as some say,But my comparisons are so no way:
I in the Pamphlet which I wrote before,
Compar'd a Booke most fitly to a Whore:
And now, as fitly my poore muse alludes,
A Thiefe t'a Booke in apt similitudes.
A good Booke steales the mind from vaine pretences,
From wicked cogitations, and offences:
It makes vs know the worlds deceiuing pleasures,
And set our hearts on neuer ending treasures.
So when Thieues steale our Cattle, Coyne or Ware,
It makes vs see how mutable they are:
Puts vs in mind that wee should put our trust,
Where Fellon cannot steale, or Canker rust.
Bad Bookes through eyes and eares doe breake and enter,
And takes possession of the hearts fraile Center.
Infecting all the little Kingdome Man,
With all the poys'nous mischiefe that they can,
Till they haue rob'd and ransack'd him of all
Those things which men may iustly goodnesse call.
Robs him of vertue, and of heau'nly grace,
And leaues him begger'd, in a wretched case.
So of our earthly goods, Thieues steale the best,
And richest iewels, and leaue vs the rest.
Men know not Thieues from true men by their looks,
Nor by their outsides, no man can know Bookes.
Both are to be suspected, all can tell,
And wisemen e'r they trust, will try them well.
A Booke may haue a title good and faire,
Though in it one may finde small goodnesse there:
And so a Thiefe, whose actions are most vile,
Steales good opinion, and a true mans stile.
Some Bookes (prophane) the Sacred text abuse,
With common Thieues it is a common vse.
Some Bookes are full of lyes, and Thieues are so,
One hardly can beleeue their yea, or no.
Some Bookes are scurrilous and too obsceane,
And he's no right Thiefe that loues not a Queane.
Some Book's not worth the reading for their fruits:
Some Thieues not worth the hanging, for their suits,
Some Bookes are briefe, and in few words declare
Compendious matter, and acutenesse rare:
And so some Thieues will breake into a house,
Or cut a purse whilest one can cracke a Louse.
Some Bookes are arrogant and impudent,
So are most Thieues in Christendome and Kent.
Some Bookes are plaine and simple, and some Thieues
Are simply hang'd, whilest others get reprieues.
Some Books like foolish Thieues, their faults are spide
Some Thieues like witty Bookes, their faults can hide:
Some Bookes are quaint and quicke in their conceits,
Some Thieues are actiue, nimble in their sleights.
Some Bookes with idle stuffe the Author fills,
Some Thieues will still be idle by their wills.
Some Bookes haue neither reason, law, or sense,
No more haue any Thieues for their offence.
A Booke's but one, when first it comes to th'Presse,
It may increase to numbers numberlesse:
And so one Thiefe perhaps may make threescore:
And that threescore may make ten thousand more,
Thus from one Thiefe, Thieues may at last amount,
Like Bookes from one Bookes past all mens account.
And as with industry, and art, and skill,
One Thiefe doth daly rob another still,
So one Booke from another (in this age)
Steales many a line, a sentence or a page.
Thus amongst Bookes, good fellowship I finde,
All things are common, Thieues beare no such mind,
And for this Thieuing, Bookes with hue and cry
Are sought, (as Thieues are) for their Fellony.
As Thieues are chasde and sent from place to place,
So Bookes are alwaies in continuall chase.
As Bookes are strongly boss'd, and clasp'd & bound,
So Thieues are manacled, when they are found:
As Thieues are oft examin'd for their crimes,
So Bookes are vsde, and haue bin at all times.
As Thieues haue oft at their arraignment stood,
So Bookes are tryde if they be bad or good.
As Iuries and Graund Iuries, with much strife,
Giue vp (for Thieues) a Verdict, death or life.
So as mens fancies euidence doe giue,
The shame or fame of Bookes, to dye or liue:
And as the veriest Thiefe may haue some friend,
So the worst Bookes, some Knaue will still defend.
As Thieues their condemnation must abide,
Bookes are deem'd true sometimes, sometimes bely'd.
As Thieues are iudged, so haue Bookes agen,
As many censures (almost) as are men.
And as their faults are different in degree,
Some Thieues are hang'd, some Books are burnt we see.
Some Thieues are for their small offences whip't,
All Bookes are prest, except a Manuscript.
As Thieues are buryed, when the Law is paid,
So some Bookes in obliuions graue are laid.
The Ialors keepe the Thieues, and much regards,
The strength of fetters, locks, bolts, grates & wards.
125
And vnto Bookes the Stationers are so
Still Bookes and Thieues in one conceit doe ioyne:
For, if you marke them, they are all for coyne.
Some Thieues exceeding braue, a man may finde
In Sattin, and their cloakes with veluet linde:
And some Bookes haue gay coats vnto their backs,
When as their insides, goods and goodnesse lacks.
Some Bookes are all betatterd, torne and rent,
Some Thieues endure a ragged punishment.
Some Thieues may come (their sorrows to increase)
Before a shallow Officer of peace,
One that can cough, call knaue, and with non-sense
Commit, before he know for what offence:
A Booke somtimes doth proue a Thiefes true friend,
And doth preserue him from a hanging end:
For let a man at any Sessions looke,
And still some Thieues are saued by their Booke.
And so some Bookes to coxcombs hands may come,
Who can cry pish, and mew, and tush, and hum,
Condemne ere they haue read, or throughly scand,
Abusing what they cannot vnderstand.
Some Thieues are like a Horne-booke, and begin
Their A.B.C. of filching, with a pin;
Their Primmer is a poynt, and then their Psalter
May picke a pocket, and come neere a Halter.
Then with long practice in these rudiments,
To breake a house may be his Accidence,
And vsing of his skill (thus day by day)
By Grammar he may rob vpon the way,
Vntill at last, to weare (it be his hap)
A Tiburne Tippet, or old Stories Cap.
That is the high'st degree which they can take,
An end to all their studies there they make:
For amongst Thieues not one amongst a score,
If they be rais'd so high, they'l steale no more.
Thus the comparisons hold still you see,
To Whores and Thieues, Bookes may compared bee.
All are like Actors, in this wauering age,
They enter all vpon the worlds great Stage:
Some gaine applause, and some doe act amisse,
And exit from the scaffold with a hisse.
Now if my Whore or Thiefe play well their parts,
Giue them their due, applaud their good deserts.
If ill, to Newgate hisse them, or Bridewell,
To any place, Hull, Halifax or Hell.
And thus the Thiefe and Booke ioyne both in one;
Both hauing made an END, they both haue DON.
In the 93. page of a Booke, called The Spirit of Detraction, the Author cites 12. parishes in one Hundred in Wales in this predicament.
One that eight yeeres since bought many houses, where I and many poore men dwelt, and presently raised our rents, from three pounds to fiue pounds, but I changed him quickly for a better.
This fellowes breeches were not lyn'd with Apocrypha. I heard of one that had the picture of the Deuill, in the backe linings of his Dublet, witnesse at the Swan in St. Martins.
| All the workes of Iohn Taylor the Water-Poet | |