University of Virginia Library

ACT V.

SCENE, the street.
Enter Wilding.
Wild.
I am justly punish'd now for all my tricks,
And pride o'th' flesh! I had ambition
To make men cuckolds; now the devil has paid me,
Paid me i'th' same coin; and I'll compare
My forehead with the broadest of my neighbours:
But, e'er it spreads too monstrous, I must have
Some plot upon this Hazard. He supposes
He has enjoy'd Penelope, and my trick's
To drive the opinion home, to get him marry her,
And make her satisfaction. The wench
Has oft commended him: he may be won to't.
I never meant to part with all her portion:
Perhaps he'll thank me for the moiety;
And this dispos'd on, she's conjur'd to silence.
It must be so.

Enter Hazard.
Haz.
Jack Wilding, how is't, man?
How goes the plow at home? what says the lady
Guinever, that was humbled in your absence?
You have the credit with her, all the glory:
What says she, Jack? does she not hide her eyes,
And blush, and cry you are a fine gentleman!
Turn a one side, or drop a handkerchief,
And stoop, and take occasion to leer
And laugh upon thee?

Wild.
Nothing less: I know not
What thou'st done to her, but she's very sad.

Haz.
I'll be hang'd then.

Wild.
Thou must imagine,
I did the best to comfort her.

Haz.
She's melancholy
For my absence, man: I'll keep her company
Again to night.

Wild.
And nothing now but sighs, and cries I have
Undone her.

Haz.
Ay, ay, the old cant—she's a fool.

Wild.
To be plain,
Although she has no thought but I was her gallant,
You are the only argument of her sadness.

Haz.
How can that be?

Wild.
When I had merrily
Excus'd what had been done, she fetch'd a sigh,
And with some tears reveal'd her love to you;
That she had lov'd you long, but by this act
Of mine, d'y'mark? she was become unworthy
To hope so good a fortune; I cannot tell,
But she is strangely passionate.

Haz.
For me?

Wild.
Ay, for you:

Haz.
Why, now I do recollect myself,
She has sometimes smil'd upon me.

Wild.
Nay, believe it,
She is taken with thee above all the world.

Haz.
And yet she was content you should—
'Bove all the world.

Wild.
But 'twas your better fate
To be the man; it was her destiny
Contriv'd it thus—thou art a gentleman,
And must consider the poor gentlewoman.

Haz.
What wou'd'st ha' me do?

Wild.
Make her amends.

Haz.
What do you mean?

Wild.
Marry her.

Haz.
Marry a strumpet!

Wild.

You had first possession, and had'st thou married
earlier, thou cou'dst but have had her first; besides, none
know but we ourselves, and we, for weighty reasons,
must be secret.

Haz.

Why, ay, that's true, but then for weightier
reasons, I must not marry her—

Wild.
Come, come, thou hast a tender heart,
Heav'n knows! she may be desperate.

Haz.

A fair riddance; we have enough o'th' tribe;
I am sorry I cannot furnish her expedition with a pair of
my own garters.

Wild.

I know thou art more charitable; she may prove
a happy wife; what woman but has frailty?

Haz.

Let her make the best on't; set up shop i'th'
Strand or Westminster, she may have custom.

Wild.

She has a portion will maintain her like a gentlewoman,
and your wife.

Haz.
Where is't?

Wild.
In my possession; and I had rather thou
Shouldst have it than another.

Haz.
Thank you heartily.
A single life has single care; pray keep it.

Wild.
Come, thou shalt know I love thee—thou shalt have
More by a thousand pound, than I resolv'd
To part with, 'cause I wou'd call thee cousin too:
Five thousand pound, Will, she has to her portion!
I hop'd to put her off with half the sum,
That's truth;—some younger brother would have thank'd me,
And given me my quietus—is't a match?

Haz.
A pretty sum! five thousand pound will make
What's crooked, straight again.

Wild.
Th'art in the right;
Or for the better sound, as the grammarians
Say, I will call it—fifty hundred pound!
B'r lady, a pretty stock; enough, an' need be,
To buy up half the women in a county.

Haz.
Here's my hand; I'll consider on't no farther;
Is she prepar'd?

Wild.
Leave that to me.

Haz.
No more.

Wild.
I'll instantly about it.

Haz.
Will you confirm this before witnesses?

Wild.
Bring a hundred—bring 'em presently.

Haz.
I'll follow you.

Wild.
Now I'm a little easy—
The bitt'rest pill when gilded, will be swallow'd.
[Exit Wild.

Haz.
Ha, ha!
The project moves better than I expected;
What pains he takes out of his ignorance?

Enter Barnacle.
Bar.
Oh! sir, I am glad I ha' found you.

Haz.
I was not lost.

Bar.
My nephew, sir, my nephew!

Haz.
What of him?

Bar.
He's undone, he's undone! you have undone him.

Haz.
What's the matter?

Bar.
You have made him, sir, so valiant, I am afraid
He's not long liv'd; he quarrels now with every body:
And roars and domineers, and shakes the pent-houses.
What shall I do? I fear he will be kill'd:
I take a little privilege myself,
Because I threaten to disinherit him;
But no body else dares talk, or meddle with him;
Is there no way to take him down again,
And make him coward?

Haz.
There are ways to tame him.

Bar.
Now I wish heartily you had beaten him
For the hundred pound.

Haz.
That may be done yet.

Bar.
Is't not too late? but d'ye think 'twill humble him?
I expect every minute he's abroad
To hear he has kill'd somebody, or receive him
Brought home with half his brains, or but one leg.

Haz.
What wou'd you have me do?

Bar.
I'll pay you for't,
If you will beat him soundly, sir, and leave him
But as you found him: for if he continue
A blade, and be not kill'd, he won't escape
The gallows long; and 'tis not for my honour
He should be hang'd.

Haz.
I shall deserve as much
To allay this metal, as I did to quicken it.

Bar.
Nay, 'tis my meaning to content you, sir;
And I shall take it as a favour too,
If for the same price you made him valiant,
You will unblade him: here's the money, sir;
As weighty gold as t'other; 'cause you should not
Lay it on lightly: break no limb, and bruise him
Three quarters dead, I care not: he may live
Many a fair day after it.

Haz.
You shew
An uncle's love in this; trust me to cure
His valour.

Bar.
He's here; do but observe,
Enter Nephew.
And beat him, sir, accordingly.

Neph.
How now, uncle?

Bar.
Thou art no nephew of mine, th'art a rascal!
I'll be at no more charge to make thee a gentleman:
Pay for your dice and drinkings; I shall have
The surgeons bills brought shortly home to me;
Be troubled to bail thee from the sessions;
And afterwards make friends to the recorder
For a reprieve, yes—I will see thee hang'd first.

Neph.
And be at the charge to paint the gallows too;
If I have a mind, the waits shall play before me;
And I'll be hang'd in state, three stories high, uncle:
But first I'll cut your throat.

Bar.
Bless me! defend me.

Enter Acreless, Sellaway, and Littlestock.
Acr.
How now, what's the matter?

Sell.
Master Barnacle!

Bar.
There's an ungracious bird of mine own nest,
Will murder me.

Litt.
He wo'not sure?

Haz.
Put up,
And ask your uncle presently forgiveness;
Or I will huff thee.

Neph.
Huff me?—I will put up
At thy intreaty.

Haz.
Gentlemen, you remember
This noble gallant.

Acr.
Cousin of yours, I take it.

Haz.
Cousin to a killing, in your company
Lent me a box o'th' ear.

Neph.
No, no, I gave it,
I gave it freely; keep it, never think on't;
I can make bold with thee another time;
Wou'd it had been twenty.

Haz.
One's too much to keep.
I am a gamester, and remember always
My debts of honor—First, the principal—
[Strikes him.
And this for the use—

[Strikes him again.
Neph.
Use? wou'd th'adst given it my uncle.

Haz.
They have cost him already two hundred pounds
And upwards, shotten herring, thing of noise!

Neph.
Oh, for my man Dwindle,
And his basket-hilt now! my uncle shall rue this.

Haz.
Down presently, and, before these gentlemen,
Desire his pardon.

Neph.
How! desire his pardon?

Haz.
Do it I say.

Neph.
I will ask his pardon; I beseech you, uncle—

Haz.
And swear.

Neph.
And do swear.

Haz.
To be obedient, never more to quarrel.

Neph.
Why, look you, gentlemen, I hope you are perswaded,
By taking this so patiently, that I am
Not over valiant.

Bar.
I suspect him still.

Neph.
Indeed you need not, uncle.

Haz.
If ever he prove rebellious, in act
Or language, let me know it.

Neph.
Will you not give
Me leave to roar abroad, a little, for my credit?

Bar.
Never, sirrah; now I'll tame you.
I thank you, gentlemen; command me for
This courtesy.

Neph.
'Tis possible I may
With less noise grow more valiant hereafter:
'Till then I am in all your debts.

Bar.
Be rul'd,
And be my nephew again: this was my love,
My love, dear nephew.

Neph.
If your love consist
In kicking, uncle, let me love you again.

Bar.
Be silent, sirrah.

Neph.
I am dumb.

Acr.
Then his uncle paid for't?

Haz.
Heartily, heartily.
Whither are you going, gentlemen?

Acr.
As you shall lead us, Hazard.

Haz.
'Tis lucky then;
Will you be witnesses to a desperate
Bargain I mean to drive within this hour?—
No less than bartering for my liberty.

Sell.
The devil! not to be married, sure?

Haz.

'Tis even so—and were I sure that this, my
valiant friend, (to Neph.)
would not be angry at my
choice, I'd tell you who was the maid elect.

Neph.

Chuse where you list; I'll ne'er be angry more,
nor woo again; I have had of both my quantum sufficit.

Haz.

Her name's Penelope.

Neph.

Take her, and welcome; she'll pay you in the
coin you've favor'd me with.

Bar.

May you win and wear her, Mr. Hazard; and
since my nephew merits not the maid, I wish you and
her happiness.

Haz.

Thanks, Mr. Barnacle—I will away to Wilding's,
and prepare for your reception—will you follow
me?

Litt.

We will.

[Exit.
Bar.

What say you, gentlemen? shall we drink this
couple in a glass of sack, and then to wish 'em joy?

Acr.

Agreed.

Neph.

I'm for any thing.

[Exeunt.
SCENE, Wilding's house.
Enter Mrs. Wilding and Penelope.
Pen.

Why, you would not have me encourage this
Hazard?

Mrs. Wild.

Indeed but I wou'd.

Pen.

What, a gamester! a profligate!

Mrs. Wild.

His gaming is accidental—A younger
brother, and bred to no business, naturally leads to the
dice for his supplies—I know he is tir'd of the company
he has kept; his honour is as yet unimpeach'd,
and with your fortune, what can either of you want,
or desire farther?

Pen.

Indeed, I dare not think of it. Give me a
little time—and—who knows—Lord, he's here.

Enter Hazard.
Mrs. Wild.

Mr. Hazard, I have pleaded hard for
you, and promised much for you—You must now
try the cause yourself.

Haz.

I am indebted to you—all things succeed beyond
your thought—pray, give me a little opportunity
with your kinswoman.

Mrs. Wild.
I'll withdraw.

[Exit.
Haz.
I know not how to woo her—
Sweet lady—

Pen.
Your pleasure, sir?

Haz.
Pray, let me ask you a question—
If you had lost your way, and met one,
A traveller like myself, that knew the coast
O'th'country, would you thank him to direct you?

Pen.
That common manners would instruct.

Haz.
I think so.

Pen.
But there are many ways to the wood.

Haz.
And which
Would you desire; the nearest path, and safest,
Or that which leads about?

Pen.
Without all question,
The nearest and safest.

Haz.
Can you love then?

Pen.
I were a devil else.

Haz.
And can you love a man?

Pen.
A man! what else, sir?

Haz.
Y'are so far on your way. Now love but me,
Y'are at your journey's end; what say you to me?

Pen.
Nothing, sir.

Haz.
That's no answer, you must say something,

Pen.
I hope you'll not compel me.

Haz.
D'y'hear, lady?
Setting this foolery aside, I know
You cannot chuse but love me.

Pen.
Why?

Haz.
I have been told so.

Pen.
You are easy of belief;
I think I should be best acquainted with
My own thoughts, and I dare not be so desperate
To conclude.

Haz.
Come, come; y'are a dissembling gentlewoman.
I know your heart; you have lov'd me a great while.
What should I play the fool for? if you remember,
I urg'd some wild discourse in the behalf
Of Barnacle; it was a trial of thee;
That humour made me love thee; and since that, thy virtue.

Pen.
Indeed, sir?

Haz.
Indeed, sir? why I have been contracted to thee.

Pen.
How long?

Haz.
This half hour; know thy portion, and shall have it.

Pen.
Strange!

Haz.
Nay, I'll have thee too.

Pen.
You will?

Haz.
I cannot help it; thy kind cousin will have it so:
'Tis his own plot, to make thee amends; is't not
Good mirth? but 'tis not love to thee or me;
But to have me possest he is no cuckold:
I see through his device, thou art much beholden to him:
He meant to have put thee off with half thy portion;
But that, as things have hap'd, we must keep secret.
Say, is't a match? I have two thousand pound too,
I thank the dice: let's put our stocks together;
Children will follow—He is here already.

Enter Wilding.
Wild.
So close! I am glad on't, this prepares Will Hazard,
And my young cousin—A word, Penelope.

Haz.
Now will he make all sure.

Wild.
You us'd me coarsely,
But I have forgot it; what discourse have you
With this gentleman?

Pen.
He would seem to be a suitor.

Wild.
Entertain him, d'y'hear; you may do worse be rul'd.
'Twas in my thought to move it; does he not
Talk strangely?

Pen.
Of what?

Wild.
Of nothing; let me counsel you
To love him; call him husband.

Pen.
I resolve
Never to marry without your consent.

Enter Acreless, Littlestock, Sellaway.
Haz.
Gentlemen, welcome.

Pen.
If you bestow me, sir, I will be confident
I am not lost, I must confess I love him.

Wild.
No more then; lose no time.—Kind gentlemen,
Y'are come most seasonably to be the witnesses
Of my consent; I have examin'd both
Your hearts, and freely give thee here my kinswoman:
No sooner shall the church pronounce
You married, but challenge what is her's.

Haz.
Five thousand pound.

Wild.
I do confess it is her portion;
You sh'not stay to talk—Nay, gentlemen,
Pray see the business finish'd.

Acr.
We'll attend him.

Wild.
The lawyer with his papers are within;
I've sign'd and seal'd the contract, and with it
Give up all my right and guardianship
To this my friend.

[To Hazard.
Haz.
Which I with joy accept of—
[Takes Pen's hand.
Be you the witnesses. Come on.

[Exit with Pen.
Wild.
So, so; this will confirm him in the opinion,
Penelope was the creature he enjoy'd,
And keep off all suspicion of my wife;
Who is still honest, in the imagination
That only I embrac'd her: all's secure,
And my brow's smooth again. Who can deride me,
But I myself? Ha! that's too much; I know it;
And spite of these tricks, am a Cornelius.
Cannot I bribe my conscience to be ignorant?
Why then I ha' done nothing: yes, advanc'd
The man, that grafted shame upon my fore-head:
Vexation! parted with five thousand pound,
And am no less a cuckold than before:
Was I predestin'd to this shame and mockery?
Where were my brains? yet why am I impatient?
Unless betray'd, he cannot reach the knowledge;
And then no matter—yes, I am curst again;
My torment multiplies; Penelope
Will clear herself, and then that ruins all!
I wou'd she had been strumpeted. I am lost,
And must be desperate—kill him? no—my wife.
Not so good—death is over black and horrid;
And I am grown ridiculous to myself.—
I must do something.—

Enter Barnacle and Nephew.
Bar.

Master Wilding, welcome—I have not seen you a
great while.

Wild.
Then I have been happy a great while.
Do you know me?

Bar.
Know you?

Wild.
They say I am much alter'd of late.

Bar.
There is some alteration in your forehead.

Wild.
My forehead!

Bar.

'Tis not smooth enough—you're troubled—Is
your wife within?

Wild.
What wou'd you with her?

Bar.
I know the matter that's a brewing.

Neph.
Et ego.

Bar.
You have it here, Mr. Wilding.

[Pointing to his head.
Wild.
The devil!—Do you see 'em?
Have they broke the surface?

Bar.
I mean Mr. Hazard's business.

Wild.
I mean that too—My head's a torment to me.

Neph.

What wou'd you give now, Mr. Wilding, to be
of the nation without heads?

Wild.

Wou'd I cou'd change conditions with these
fools; they are not troubled now with being cuckolds.

Enter Mrs. Wilding.
Mrs. Wild.

Gentlemen, your servant.

Bar.

Joy, joy to you, Mrs. Wilding.

Wild.

Wife, you are a whore; you shall know more
hereafter—I must go live in the forest.

Mrs. Wild.
And I i'th' common.

Wild.
She'll turn prostitute!

Enter Hazard, Penelope, Acreless, &c.
Haz.
Your leave, gentle folks; who wishes us joy!

Bar.
Married?

Haz.
Fast as the law can tie us;
The priest must bless the knot.

Acr.
We are witnesses.

Haz.

Cousin, five thousand pound; and lady, now I
must thank you for this among the rest—Look then with
an eye of love upon me.

Wild.

No matter, she'll love thee afterwards. An' she
do not, she can but cuckold thee; there be more i'th' parish,
man.

Mrs. Wild.
In our parish, husband?

Wild.
I'll be divorc'd now,
Wife, you're a whore—

Haz.
Ho there! no big words; come,
We must tell something in your ear: be merry;
You are no cuckold, make no noise.—I know
That's it offends your stomach.

Wild.
Ha!

Haz.
I touch'd not her, nor this, with one rude action.
We'll talk the circumstance another time:
Your wife expected you; but when I came,
She had prepar'd a light, and her cousin here,
T'have made you blush, and chide you into honesty:
Seeing their chaste simplicity, I was won
To silence, which brought on my better fortune.

Wild.
Can this be real?

Mrs. Wild.
By my hopes of peace
I'th' t'other world, you have no injury:
My plot was only to betray you to
Love and repentance.

Pen.
Be not troubled, sir;
I am a witness of my cousin's truth;
And hope you'll make all prosper, in renewing
Your faith to her.

Haz.
Be wise, and no more words:
Thou hast a treasure in thy wife; make much on her.
For any act of mine, she is as chaste
As when she was new-born. Love, love her, Jack.

Wild.
I am asham'd: pray give me all forgiveness.
I see my follies—heaven invites me gently
To thy chaste bed.—Be thou again my dearest:
Thy virtue shall instruct me. Joy to all.

Haz.

These be love's miracles: a spring-tide flow in
every bosom.

Bar.

May ease, health, happiness attend you lady.

Pen.

From you, sir, 'tis a double compliment.—
Have I your pardon, sir, for my refusal of the honor of
your nephew's hand?

Bar.

You have.

Neph.

And mine too, lady, with thanks to th'bargain.

Wild.

To-day I'll feast you all; and wife, be this
our bridal day: let us begin new joys with these our happy
cousins.

Mrs. Wild.

My joys are at their full; and, dear Penelope,
my heart o'erflows with love, delight and gratitude.

Pen.

May I deserve your friendship, and follow your
example.

Haz.

Be witness, gentlemen, that wedded here, wedded
for ever, I no more shall follow that sickle harlot
fortune—I renounce my follies; fly to peace, content
and love,

From riot, care, intemperance and vice!
And from the fountain-head of all—The dice.

Sell.

The sinner preaches, Wilding; but his lectures will
make few penitents.

Wild.