University of Virginia Library

EPIGRAMS.

ON SEEING ON THE SAME BOOK-SHELF Johnson's Lives of the Poets, and Johnson's Lives of Highwaymen.

See British bards and British cut-throats made
Alike immortal by a Johnson's aid!
The neck with hemp, the brow with laurel bound,
The pen, the pistol, equally renown'd!
Fame's temple reaching by a different track,
Dryden on wings or Turpin on a hack!

CARVING AND GILDING.

“You see,” said our host, as we enter'd his doors,
“I have furnish'd my house à la Louis Quatorze.”
“Then I wish,” said a guest, “when you ask us to eat,
You would furnish your board à la Louis Dixhuit;
The eye, can it feast when the stomach is starving?
Pray less of your gilding, and more of your carving.”

A RETORT UNCOURTEOUS.

Where London's city skirts the Thames,
In ball-room met two rival dames;
Quoth one, “Why all this youthful sham?
You now are but a has-been, ma'am.”
“'Tis better far,” was the reply,
“To be a has-been such as I,
Than still to hang upon the shelf,
A never-was-er like yourself.”

A NEW DENOMINATION.

Phœbe has lived a life of schism,
Been every “ite,” tried every “ism;”
Where rings the peal of pulpit thunder
Which she in turn has not sat under?
Each change of wind gives fresh occasion
For shifting to a new persuasion;
While wondering gossips, o'er their tea,
Each other ask, “What will she be,
When next the Times shall as a convert quote her?—
A Plymouth Brother or a Yarmouth Bloater?”

ON A NEW CHURCH, ERECTED A.D. 1842.

A shallow chanel, scarce six feet by ten,
Which rail'd and painted forms a decent pen;
A lofty spire, which bears its glittering vane
Some hundred feet exalted from the plain;
Say, was this would-be Christian elevation
Built for devotion or for ostentation?
By the tall spire we gauge the pride of man,
The world's devotion by the chancel span.

ON THE ADMISSION OF JEWS INTO PARLIAMENT.

For years unblest, all hope of rest forbidden to his feet,
At last the Wandering Jew has found in Westminster a seat;
Jews' ears, they say, in olden days were fill'd with molten lead,
The gold from out their pockets pick'd, the eyes from out their head;
Now, torturing still, with fresh ill-will, we show our ceaseless hate,
And pour into the Hebrew's ear the lead of a debate.

ON SEEING SOME NAMES CUT ON A PANE OF GLASS.

EVERY MAN HIS HOBBY.

A wealthy Cit, intent to buy
Each picture rare that pleas'd his eye,
Who would not, if a Claude were sold,
Forego it for a mine of gold;
On hearing at how dear a rate
His friend had purchas'd an estate,
Rebuk'd him thus: “What madness, say,
Induc'd you such a sum to pay?
Of land I know the market price,
How could you without my advice?”
“Why,” quoth the other, “thus abuse me?
Call it my picture, and excuse me.”

APPROPRIATE NAMES.

A TURN IN THE HIGHLANDS.

“To Highlands I'm off for a fortnight,” says Jack,
“With just one shirt a week.” “But that one's on your back,
When the first week is over what then will you do?”
“Why turn it, and then I can wear it for two.”

NOTES AND QUERIES.

A lady sat by me at Verey's,
Making at me very queer eyes:
A twenty and a five pound note
Were in the pocket of my coat:
I made no note of her departur,
Though many a query I made arter;
For when that lady went from Verey's
With her went both notes and queer eyes.

STRIKING BEAUTY.

Tom, struck by her face, took and married a wife,
Hoping in conjugal bliss to dwell;
Tom little thought that, in after life,
He should ever be struck by her fist as well!

A BOTTLE OF THE OLD.

“This tawny old port has quite lost all its smack;
Pray, what bin is it from?” “From the has been,” said Jack.

A SCENE IN THE HIGHLANDS.

One day in the Highlands while taking a stroll
I saw a stray sheep down a precipice roll;
A boy was let down by a rope o'er the brink,
And the sheep was pull'd up by the horns: you may think
What a beautiful picture it was, the whole scene.
“A picture!—a bas-relief surely you mean!”

JONES ENLIGHTENED.

At Bordeaux, when autumn had ripen'd the vine,
And the natives were treading the grapes into wine,
Said Jones to a friend whom he chanced there to meet,
“Now the reason I know why they call it La Fitte.”

SO MUCH FOR SENTIMENT.

It is gone, the old oak, which, for centuries past,
With branches wide-spreading had weather'd the blast,
A tree of primeval type!
Accurs'd be the axe which was laid to its root!
“Sir, it fetch'd,” said the factor, “five shillings a foot,
And the tree was maturely ripe.”

SINK OR SWIM.

The ship was wreck'd, and struggling with the Ocean's angry tide,
To a broken spar were clinging wife and husband, side by side;
Said he, “This awful moment, love, our last may chance to be,
Have you always, dearest, always been a faithful wife to me?”
“Ah! what,” quoth she, “our fate may be, we neither of us know,
But that secret, sink or swim, love, to the grave with me must go.”

[Of old, when the church-building coffer was full]

Of old, when the church-building coffer was full,
Ere the work was begun, they requir'd a Pope's Bull;
Nowaday, when supremacy rests with the Whig,
Congregational chapels require a Queen's pig!

A LAWYER'S BILL.

What a strange bill of costs do some lawyers indite!
I this item in mine discover—
“To lying awake in my bed at night,
And thinking your business over.”

PROCRASTINATION.

Bent on building a house, while as yet a young man,
Visto reach'd his old age ere he settled the plan;
When perfection the plan, still his taste so refined,
He could never make choice of a site to his mind;
Death grew impatient, and call'd to his aid
The Sexton, who housed him at once with his spade.

A PROMISE TO PAY.

Said Dick, “The ten pound which you lent t'other day,
I hope soon, in some shape or other, to pay.”
“‘In some shape or other!’ but pray, my good man,
As much in the shape of ten pound as you can.”

CAUTION AND ECONOMY.

The plan reduced from small to less to make his house compacter,
The Builder, his own Architect, became his own Contractor.

TRUTH.

Truth, they say, lies in a well:
The truth of that I cannot tell;
Where nothing is except cold water,
There I never yet have sought her;
And the only truth that I know
Is the “Veritas in vino.”

A VOYAGE.

From morn till night one only change have we,
We see a ship, and then we ship a sea.

A MINOR CANON.

“New phrases daily on our ears are prest,”
A pert young Canon thus the Dean addrest;
“Word-studying, Sir, I know is your profession—
‘Son of a gun!’—what means that strange expression?”
“Son of a gun! why surely that must mean
A minor Canon,” said the quiet Dean.

A REASON.

“The case is clear as case can be,
As plain,” quoth Joe, “as A, B, C.'
His friend replies, “It may be so,
But I am D, E, F, you know.”

AN EXPEDIENT.

“As my neat little feet will not fill them enough,
Cotton wool in my boots as a padding I stuff:”
“Sir, no substitute better than cotton I know,
Since you are, as you tell us, deficient in toe.”

EQUAL JUSTICE.

By the Mantuan law, the old chronicle saith,
The vendor of poison was sentenced to death;
Did the law now at Venice like justice bestow,
Our Host had been hung when he sold his Bordeaux.

THE LITTLE I DRINK.

“My Lord, pray excuse the remonstrance I make
To the bumpers which still after dinner you take;
You appear what you told me just now to forget,
That the little you did drink you drank when you eat.”
“As you say, 'twas the little I spoke of before,
The great deal I drink is when dinner is o'er.”

PADDY'S REMONSTRANCE.

“Pat! buy a trunk?” “Sure, for what”? he replied,
“Why to carry your cloaths,” said the dealer, “inside.”
“Bedad! now a mighty queer notion is that,
Would you have me go naked entirely?” said Pat.

COMPLAISANCE.

TWO OF A TRADE.

Pedestrians! buy your pantaloons at sixteen shillings new;
But ere you measure miles in them, the Miles must measure you.
Since two of one trade never yet were able to agree,
Of course there must a breach between two breeches-makers be.
These two contending tailors, call them Mileses, if you please—
But Miles in the plural should be written Milites—
The curious fact which causes most their customers to wonder,
Though scarce ten yards apart, the two are Miles and Miles asunder.

MR. BRIGHT ON THE LAW OF ENTAIL.—1864.

To broad lands though a foe, to broad brims still a friend,
We shall all become Bright's proselytes in the end;
Elder sons apprehending the loss of their acres,
John's speech has already made all of them Quakers.

HIDDEN TALENT.

“The lady you took into dinner
Has abundance of talent.” “No doubt
She must have a great store of it in her,
Who never lets any come out.”

SPIRIT-TAPPING.

“The appearance of spirits, it fills me with dread;
Do you believe in it?” My landlady said;
“If you mean disappearance, I credit it quite,
For my brandy has all disappeared in the night.”

HIS LORDSHIP'S INVITATION.

“Your Client had better a compromise make,”
Said the Judge; “will you ask her, Sir, what she will take?”
Very deaf the old dame, so the Counsel drew near,
Bawling, “What will you take, asks my lord,” in her ear;
“Take?” replied she, “how exceedingly kind!
Say, a glass of warm ale, if his Lordship's inclin'd.”

LENGTH AND DEPTH.

“Were you struck with the length of my sermon to-day?”
“Yes, but not with its depth, Sir, allow me to say.”

LITTLE LOVE.

Little Love into my bosom darted,
He kindled a flame there and then departed:
From his fluttering wings as he fled, the air
Blew out the flame he had kindled there:
Little Love flew to my bosom once more,
And kindled a flame as he'd done before;
The fire that he lighted now blaz'd so high
The flame caught his wings as he spread them to fly;
And in spite of himself Little Love must stay,
For his pinions are burnt and won't bear him away.

ON THE FIGURE OF A NEGRO SUPPORTING A DIAL.

To those critics one word, who the reason implore,
Why I place a black statue in front of my door?
I think it a well chosen spot, I confess;
A negro of course should be near an egress.

ON VISITING THE GREAT DUBLIN BREWERY.

Brewing the best way hard money to win is:
Guinness makes porter, and porter makes guineas.

CROSS-QUESTIONING.

His wardrobe from Moses and Son, spic and span,
The witness stood up, quite an exquisite man:
“A broker, I think, Sir, and worth a Jew's eye?”
“I ham, Sir, I ham,” the emphatic reply.
“And indeed,” said the Counsel, “it must be confest
I ne'er in my life saw a ham better drest.”

THE CENSUS AND THE FAIR DISSENTER.

“Rude querist! my feelings your question enrages—
To ask a young woman like me what her age is!
Twenty-five, Sir, it may be, about that or less.”
“And what the religion, ma'am, which you profess?”
“Sir! I shall not on any persuasion decide
Till I know what is his who will make me a bride.”

[Stone ox! if we were hungry you would satisfy but little us]

Stone ox! if we were hungry you would satisfy but little us:
You never were a calf; though carv'd, you were not carv'd to victual us.

RAILWAY DIALOGUE.

In the train a Lord Chancellor, taking his seat,
Thus address'd an old friend whom he happen'd to meet:
“You, Serjeant, are double the man you once were,
You are grown quite a porpoise of late, I declare.”
“Much pleasure, my lord, as a porpoise, I feel
To find myself seated so near the Great Seal.”

A MYSTERY.

Thus a young wife, alighting from the train,
Rebuk'd her husband in the gentlest strain,
“When we in darkness through a tunnel glide,
You should not kiss me, dearest, though your bride.”
“Kiss you! Not I! I kissed you not.” The pair
In mute amazement at each other stare.

A DIALOGUE

OVERHEARD IN A VILLAGE NEAR PORTSMOUTH, DURING THE WAR WITH FRANCE.

Says Sue to Jack, “The reason why we English wins the day,
'Tis because before a battle them 'ere Frenchmen never pray:”
Jack he answer'd scornful, as he spat and turn'd his quid,
“Jabbering beggars, no! who'd understand 'em if they did?”

ARGUMENT OF A DISSENTER

IN FAVOUR OF THE BURIAL BILL.

I never to the church will give
My soul's submission while I live;
But why should she exclude when dead
My body from a churchyard-bed?
Because when she has seen it laid
In safety by her sexton's spade
She surely cannot feel distress
That there is one Dissenter less.

THE CHURCHMAN'S THREE WISHES.

POINT LACE.

Kate, when you lace-work undertake
Work silently, I pray,
Since point there is in what you make,
But none in what you say.

FRENCH CLOCKS, 1876.

FROM THE ITALIAN.

While his beard has grown gray, black as ever remain
The hairs of his head, and the reason is plain:
The jaws have been hard at work all his life through,
The brain has had little or nothing to do.

TO A STATUE OF CUPID BEARING A BOW AND QUIVER.

Armed Boy! thine arrow try,
Pierce her heart for whom I die.
Ah! no answer. Boy unkind,
Art thou deaf as well as blind?

ON AN ILL-NATURED PARASITE.

When he eats, 'tis to banquet as somebody's guest,
When he speaks, 'tis to utter some venomous jest;
So he never to open his mouth condescends
Unless it be done at the cost of his friends.

MY NEIGHBOUR.

“My neighbour—an eternal ninny—
Is ever knocking at my door.”
“Lend him, when next he calls, a guinea,
He'll come, I warrant him, no more.”

[Through life the poor dolt who lies buried below]

Through life the poor dolt who lies buried below
In the alphabet found an invincible foe:
Though not by the weight of his gravestone opprest,
The inscription upon it will trouble his rest.

[A martyr to verse, writing rhymes without number]

A martyr to verse, writing rhymes without number,
He himself lies awake that his readers may slumber.

[The Duke lieth here; and in sorrow I bend]

The Duke lieth here; and in sorrow I bend
O'er the tomb of my best and most bountiful friend;
Believe me, the tear which I shed is sincere,
My pension, as well as the Duke, lieth here.

[To paint some charms, as poets feign]

To paint some charms, as poets feign,
Twice ten thousand words are vain.
To make Aminta's features known
We need but three—rouge, skin, and bone.

ON AN ILL-NATURED BEAUTY.

The rose's bloom her cheek adorns,
And in her tongue we find the thorns.

[Not prettier hands the Queen of Beauty grace]

Not prettier hands the Queen of Beauty grace,
But Nature gave them thee to hide thy face.

[Licander in life has one object alone—]

Licander in life has one object alone—
He hopes to find out the Philosopher's stone;
Day and night in his study Orlando we see,
Intent upon squaring the circle is he;
While clearly to comprehend Chloe's caprice,
Is the task which incessantly troubles my peace.
Chloe! say to which first will the palm be decreed?
Which, think you, will first be the one to succeed?

[“Why were prudence and valour to women denied?”]

“Why were prudence and valour to women denied?”
Said Momus to Jove: Jove to Momus replied,
“In Beauty, with which I endow'd womankind,
Compensation sor both they abundantly find.”
“Is Beauty sufficient?” “Go down, silly elf,
If you doubt it,” said Jove, “and ask woman herself.”

[“Love! beauteous boy!” Aminta cries]

“Love! beauteous boy!” Aminta cries,
“How chanc'd it that you lost your eyes?”
“I gave them both away,” said he,
“To my daughter—Jealousy.”

FROM THE FRENCH.

Said Bassompierre, “When I in Spain abode,
Sire, on a mule in cavalcade I rode:”
The King to his Ambassador replied,
“An ass then sat upon a mule astride;”
“Sire!” he retorted, “what you say is true,
When at Madrid I represented you.”

NO QUARTER.

“Oh! spare my life!” a German cried,
While the French foeman at his side
His blade uprais'd to thrust it through him;
“Whatever else you wish,” said he,
“I shall be charm'd, mais pour la vie
Il n'y a pas moyen”—so he slew him.

THE GASCON.

A Gascon one day when a Cardinal's guest,
Great boast of his river the Garonne exprest;
So deep, so expansive, so rapid in flow,
The world to that river no rival could show.
Said his host, “Then, compared to that wonderful stream,
You the Tiber at Rome but a rivulet deem?”
“The Tiber forsooth!” he indignantly said;
“Let it hide underground its diminutive head;
Should it dare, Sir, to flow by my old castle wall,
In the course of one hour I would bottle it all.”

VERSAILLES.

One day at Versailles the Great Louis survey'd
And describ'd with much pomp the vast change it display'd;
“Where yon Temple now stands, overlooking the wood,
On that spot,” said the Monarch, “a windmill once stood.”
“Please your Majesty, true,” was the answer; “the mill
Is remov'd, as we see, but the wind is there still.”

THE GAMESTER.

Said a Lady to a Gambler, “Such ill-luck attends your dice,
Why not at once forswear them, and forsake a thriftless vice?”
“When you your loves abandon, I will cease to play,” said he.
“Incorrigible Gamester! you a ruin'd man will be.”

THE WATERLESS BRIDGE.

Of water though the channel bare is,
A royal bridge at Manzanarès
Uprears its arch on high;
That costly bridge, if it were sold,
Then might King Philip with the gold
A little water buy.

THE REBUKE.

CURE FOR TOOTHACHE.

‘Why you should suffer so much pain
I cannot tell,” said little Jane,
A visitor embracing:
“Out from your mouth why don't you take
Your teeth at once, and let them ache,
As Ma does,—in a basin?”

ON THE PICTURE OF THE DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE,

CUT AND STOLEN MAY, 1876.

By none could her charms be surpass'd in their day,
So peerless was Devonshire's Duchess, they say;
One kiss on her cheek—ere the contest begun,
She paid down the price, and her canvass was won!
How changed now her fate! To the purchaser's cost
Her charms are cut out, and her canvass is lost!

THE BARBER ABROAD.

THE LEY OF THE LANDLORD.

I love my good ley on a clear winter's day,
I love it when clad in the verdure of May,
I love it when summer has stock'd it full
With short-horn and long-horn, stirk, heifer, and bull.
I love my good ley through each month of the year,
But I love my ley best when October draws near,
When yellow leaves falling the pasture bestrew,
And betoken the gold that ere long will be due;
I love my ley best when the profits begin,
When the cattle walk out and the cash comes in!

THE MAID OF THE INN.

PAST AND PRESENT.

On four-horse coach, whose luggage pierced the sky,
Perch'd on back seat, like clerk on office-stool,
While wintry winds my dangling heels kept cool,
In Whitney white envelop'd and blue tie,
Unpillow'd slumber from my half-closed eye
Scared by the shrill tin horn; when welcome Yule
Brought holiday season, it was thus from school
I homeward came some forty years gone by.
Thus two long days and one long night I rode,
Stage after stage, till the last change of team
Stopp'd, splash'd and panting, at my sire's abode.
How nowaday from school comes home my son?
Through duct and tunnel by a puff of steam,
Shot like a pellet from his own pop-gun.

RIDDLE.

“A woman, though my head and tail are both of them the same;
And still, both head and tail cut off, I bear a woman's name.
You may turn me topsy-turvy, but the change will naught avail—
A woman, whether taken by the head or by the tail;
But when you cut my head off, should my tail escape the shears,
Metamorphosed to a man then, the woman disappears!”

CHARADE.

CHARADE.

My first and my second, united, display
A word still encircled with laurel and bay;
Made complete with a k, if you have but my third,
You without more ado will discover the word:
For my whole let the funeral bell be toll'd,
He died in the night when the weather was cold;
He died in the night the same year he was born in,
And his successor came into office next morning.

A DILEMMA.

A lady fair had lovers three,
All fellow-passengers at sea.
It chanc'd when loud the tempest roar'd
That Lady fair fell overboard;
Two straightway plung'd into the wave
And snatch'd her from a watery grave;
Then wept that Lady fair, and cried,
“How can I thus perplex'd decide?
Good Captain, aid my choice to make,
Which think you now ought I to take?”
“Since my opinion you rely on,”
The Captain answer'd, “take the dry un.”

SONNET BY A SAXON.

O Blarney! Blarney, wonder-working gift!
Why sat I never on the Blarney stone?
To plodding Saxon, canny Scot unknown,
What pen can paint, what skill its meaning sift?
Paddy's safe shield in every adverse shift,
His mirth is Blarney, Blarney is his moan;
Priest, Peer, and Peasant, all its influence own,
In Love Persuasive, Physic, Law, and Thrift.
Sure as he's born a Celt, the little Rogue
With mother's milk he sucks his Blarney in,
As natural to him as his native brogue.
Though, were I born in Connaught or Killarney,
On this my theme I might an epic spin,
How end my Sonnet?—Echo answers—Blarney!