University of Virginia Library

8. VIII.
A ROMANCE.—THE CONSCRIPT.
[Which may bother the reader a little unless he is familiar
with the music of the day.]

1. Chapter I.

Philander Reed struggled with spool-thread and
tape in a dry-goods store at Ogdensburgh, on the
St. Lawrence River, State of New York. He Rallied
Round the Flag, Boys, and Hailed Columbia
every time she passed that way. One day a regiment
returning from the war Came Marching Along,
bringing An Intelligent Contraband with them, who
left the South about the time Babylon was a-Fallin',
and when it was apparent to all well-ordered minds
that the Kingdom was Coming, accompanied by the
Day of Jubiloo. Philander left his spool-thread and
tape, rushed into the street, and by his Long-Tail
Blue, said, “Let me kiss him for his Mother.” Then,
with patriotic jocularity, he inquired, “How is your

High Daddy in the Morning?” to which Pomp of
Cudjo's Cave replied, “That poor Old Slave has
gone to rest, we ne'er shall see him more! But U.
S. G. is the man for me, or Any Other Man.” Then
he Walked Round.

“And your Master,” said Philander, “where is
he?”

“Massa's in the cold, cold ground—at least I hope
so!” said the gay contraband.

“March on, March on! all hearts rejoice!” cried
the Colonel, who was mounted on a Bob-tailed nag
—on which, in times of Peace, my soul, O Peace! he
had betted his money.

“Yaw,” said a German Bold Sojer Boy, “we
don't-fights-mit-Segel as much as we did.”

The regiment marched on, and Philander betook
himself to his mother's Cottage Near the Banks of
that Lone River, and rehearsed the stirring speech
he was to make that night at a war meeting.

“It's just before the battle, Mother,” he said, “and
I want to say something that will encourage Grant.”

2. Chapter II.—Mabel.

Mabel Tucker was an orphan. Her father, Dan
Tucker, was run over one day by a train of cars,
though he needn't have been, for the kind-hearted
engineer told him to Git Out of the Way.

Mabel early manifested a marked inclination for
the millinery business, and at the time we introduce
her to our readers she was Chief Engineer of a
Millinery Shop and Boss of a Sewing Machine.

Philander Reed loved Mabel Tucker, and Ever of
her was Fondly Dreaming; and she used to say,
“Will you love me Then as Now!” to which he
would answer that he would, and without the written
consent of his parents.

She sat in the parlor of the Cot where she was
Born, one Summer's eve, with pensive thought, when
Somebody came Knocking at the Door. It was
Philander. Fond Embrace and things. Thrilling
emotions. P. very pale and shaky in the legs. Also,
sweaty.

“Where hast thou been?” she said. “Hast been
gathering shells from youth to age, and then leaving

them like a che-eild? Why this tremors? Why
these Sadfulness?”

“Mabeyuel!” he cried, “Mabeyuel! They've
Drafted me into the Army!”

An Orderly Seargeant now appears and says,
“Come, Philander, let's be a marching;” and he tore
her from his embrace (P's) and marched the conscript
to the Examining Surgeon's office.

Mabel fainted in two places. It was worse than
Brothers Fainting at the Door.

3. Chapter III.—The Conscript.

Philander Reed hadn't three hundred dollars,
being a dead-broken Reed, so he must either become
one of the noble Band who are Coming, Father Abraham,
three hundred thousand more, or skeddadle
across the St. Lawrence River to the Canada Line.
As his opinions had recently undergone a radical
change, he chose the latter course, and was soon
Afloat, afloat, on the swift-rolling tide. “Row, brothers,
row,” he cried, “the stream runs fast, the
Seargeant is near, and the 'Zamination's past, and I'm
a able-bodied man.”

Landing he at once imprinted a conservative kiss
on the Canada Line, and feelingly asked himself,
“Who will care for Mother now? But I propose
to stick it out on this Line if it takes all Summer.”

4. Chapter IV.—The Meeting.

It was evening, it was. The Star of the Evening,
Beautiful Star, shone brilliantly, adorning the sky
with those Neutral tints which have characterized
all British skies ever since this War broke out.

Philander sat on the Canada Line, playing with
his Yardstick, and perhaps about to take the measure
of an unmade piece of calico; when Mabel, with
a wild cry of joy, sprang from a small-boat to his
side. The meeting was too much. They divided a
good square faint between them this time. At last
Philander found his utterance, and said, “Do they
think of me at Home, do they ever think of me?”

“No,” she replied, “but they do at the recruiting
office.”

“Ha! 'tis well.”

“Nay, dearest,” Mabel pleaded, “come home and
go to the war like a man! I will take your place in

the Dry Goods store. True, a musket is a little
heavier than a yardstick, but isn't it a rather more
manly weapon?”

“I don't see it,” was Philander's reply; “besides
this war isn't conducted accordin' to the Constitution
and Union. When it is—when it is, Mabeyuel, I
will return and enlist as a Convalescent!”

“Then, sir,” she said, with much American disgust
in her countenance, “then, sir, farewell!”

“Farewell!” he said, “and When this Cruel
War is Over, pray that we may meet again!”

“Nary!” cried Mabel, her eyes flashing warm fire,
—“nary! None but the Brave deserve the Sanitary
Fair! A man who will desert his country in its hour
of trial would drop Faro checks into the Contribution
Box on Sunday. I hain't Got time to tarry—I
hain't got time to stay!—but here's a gift at parting:
a White Feather: wear it into your hat!”
and She was Gone from his gaze, like a beautiful
dream.

Stung with remorse and mosquitoes, this miserable
young man, in a fit of frenzy, unsheathed his glittering
dry-goods scissors, cut off four yards (good measure)

of the Canada Line, and hanged himself on a
Willow Tree. Requiescat in Tape. His stick drifted
to My Country 'tis of thee! and may be seen, in
connexion with many others, on the stage of any
New York theatre every night.

The Canadians won't have any line pretty soon.
The skedaddlers will steal it. Then the Canadians
won't know whether they're in the United States or
not, in which case they may be drafted.

Mabel married a Brigadier-General, and is happy.