University of Virginia Library

Skulkers and Sulkers

The Unicops can be divided
roughly into two categories, the
skulkers and the stalkers. The
former variety waits, out of sight
around the bend, until you've
parked your car and gone on your
way to class. Then, the exhaust
note of their tricycles tuned down
as much as possible, they roll up to
your vehicle and with a clandestine
but assertive flourish stick that
little piece of paper beneath your
wiper.

The stalkers, on the other hand,
can be identified by their strong
resemblance to a strutting male
turkey who's somehow gotten
pregnant. This latter group could
teach the French gendarmerie a
thing or two about self-assertive
terror tactics as they walk the three
strides from their tricycles to the
windshield of your car with just the
hint of a goose step in their swagger.
You may occasionally see them
smiling contemptuously at students
pleading for clemency. I suggest we
make capes and black boots
optional parts of their uniform.