Every Man in his Humour | ||
Act III, Scene iii
[Enter] WELLBRED, EDWARD, BRAINWORM, BOBADILL, MATTHEW [and] STEPHENWELLBRED
Beshrew me, but it was an absolute good jest, and exceedingly well carried!
EDWARD
Aye, and our ignorance maintained it as well, did it not?
WELLBRED
Yes, faith, but was't possible thou should'st not know him? I forgive Master Stephen, for he is stupidity itself!
EDWARD
'Fore God, not I, an' I might have been joined patent with one of the seven wise masters for knowing him. He had so writhen himself into the habit of one of your poor infantry, your decayed, ruinous, worm-eaten gentlemen of the round: such as have vowed to sit on the skirts of the city, let your Provost and his half-dozen of halberdiers do what they can; and have translated begging out of the old hackney pace, to a fine easy amble, and made it run as smooth of the tongue as a shove-groat shilling. Into the likeness of one of these reformados had he moulded himself so perfectly, observing every trick of their action, as varying the accent, swearing with an emphasis, indeed all, with so special and exquisite a grace that (hadst thou seen him) thou wouldst have sworn he might have been sergeant-major, if not lieutenant-colonel to the regiment.
WELLBRED
Why, Brainworm, who would have thought thou hadst been such an artificer?
EDWARD
An artificer! An architect! Except a man had studied begging all his lifetime, and been a weaver of language, from his infancy, for the clothing of it, I never saw his rival!
WELLBRED
Where got'st thou this coat, I mar'l?
BRAINWORM
Of a Houndsditch man, sir. One of the devil's near kinsmen, a broker.
WELLBRED
That cannot be, if the proverb hold; for, a crafty knave needs no broker.
BRAINWORM
True sir, but I did need a broker, ergo.
WELLBRED
Well put off--no crafty knave, you'll say.
EDWARD
Tut, he has more of these shifts.
BRAINWORM
And yet where I have one, the broker has ten, sir.
[Enter CASH]
CASH
Francis, Martin, ne'er a one to be found, now? What a spite's this?
WELLBRED
How now, Thomas? Is my brother Kitely within?
CASH
No sir, my master went forth e'en now; but Master Downright is within. Cob, what, Cob? Is he gone too?
WELLBRED
Whither went your master, Thomas, canst thou tell?
CASH
I know not, to Justice Clement's, I think, sir. Cob!
EDWARD
Justice Clement, what's he?
WELLBRED
Why, dost thou not know him? He is a city magistrate, a justice here, an excellent good lawyer, and a great scholar; but the only mad, merry, old fellow in Europe! I showed him you, the other day.
EDWARD
Oh, is that he? I remember him now. Good faith, and he has a very strange presence, methinks; it shows as if he stood out of the rank from other men. I have heard many of his jests i' university. They say, he will commit a man for taking the wall of his horse.
WELLBRED
Aye, or wearing his cloak of one shoulder, or serving of God: anything indeed, if it come in the way of his humour.
CASH
Goes in and out calling
Gasper, Martin, Cob! 'Heart, where should they be, trow?
BOBADILL
Master Kitely's man, 'pray thee vouchsafe us the lighting of this match.
CASH
Fire on your match, no time but now to vouchsafe? Francis, Cob!
BOBADILL
Body of me! Here's the remainder of seven pound, since yesterday was seven-night. 'Tis your right Trinidado! Did you never take any, Master Stephen?
STEPHEN
No truly, sir; but I'll learn to take it now, since you commend it, so.
BOBADILL
Sir, believe me (upon my relation), for what I tell you, the world shall not reprove. I have been in the Indies (where this herb grows), where neither myself, nor a dozen gentlemen more (of my knowledge) have received the taste of any other nutriment in the world, for the space of one and twenty weeks, but the fume of this simple only. Therefore, it cannot be but 'tis most divine! Further, take it in the nature, in the true kind so, it makes an antidote that, had you taken the most deadly poisonous plant in all Italy, it should expel it, and clarify you, with as much ease as I speak. And, for your green wound, your Balsamum and your St. John's wort are all mere gulleries, and trash to it, especially your Trinidado; your Nicotian is good too. I could say what I know of the virtue of it, for the expulsion of rheums, raw humours, crudities, obstructions, with a thousand of this kind; but I profess myself no quacksalver. Only, thus much, by Hercules, I do hold it, and will affirm it (before any prince in Europe) to be the most sovereign and precious weed that ever the earth tendered to the use of man.
EDWARD
This speech would ha' done decently in a tobacco-trader's mouth!
[Enter CASH and COB]
CASH
At Justice Clement's, he is: in the middle of Coleman Street.
COB
Oh, oh!
BOBADILL
Where's the match I gave thee? Master Kitely's man?
CASH
Would his match, and he, and pipe, and all were at Santo Domingo! I had forgot it.
[Exit]
COB
By God's me, I mar'l what pleasure or felicity they have in taking this roguish tobacco! It's good for nothing but to choke a man, and fill him full of smoke and embers: there were four died out of one house,
BOBADILL beats [COB] with a cudgel
ALL
Oh, good Captain, hold, hold.
BOBADILL
You base cullion, you.
[Enter CASH, with the lighted match]
CASH
Sir, here's your match;
[To COB]come, thou must needs be talking, too, thou'rt well enough served.
COB
Nay, he will not meddle with his match, I warrant you: well, it shall be a dear beating, an' I live.
BOBADILL
Do you prate? Do you murmur?
EDWARD
Nay, good Captain, will you regard the humour of a fool?
[To COB]Away, knave.
WELLBRED
Thomas, get him away.
[Exit CASH and COB]
BOBADILL
A whoreson filthy slave, a dung-worm, an excrement! Body o' Caesar, but that I scorn to let forth so mean a spirit, I'd ha' stabbed him to the earth.
WELLBRED
Marry, the law forbid, sir.
BOBADILL
By Pharaoh's foot, I would have done it.
STEPHEN
[Aside]
Oh, he swears admirably! By Pharaoh's foot! Body o' Caesar! I shall never do it, sure, upon mine honour, and by St. George, no, I ha' not the right grace.
MATTHEW
Master Stephen, will you any? By this air, the most divine tobacco that ever I drunk!
STEPHEN
None, I thank you, sir.
[Exit BOBADILL and MATTHEW]Oh, this gentleman does it rarely too! But nothing like the other. By this air, as I am a gentleman: by-- Practising, to the post
BRAINWORM
[Aside]
Master, glance, glance! Master Wellbred!
STEPHEN
As I have somewhat to be saved, I protest--
WELLBRED
You are a fool; it needs no affidavit.
EDWARD
Cousin, will you any tobacco?
STEPHEN
Aye, sir! Upon my reputation--
EDWARD
How now, cousin!
STEPHEN
I protest, as I am a gentleman, but no soldier, indeed--
WELLBRED
No, Master Stephen? As I remember, your name is entered in the Artillery Garden.
STEPHEN
Aye, sir, that's true: cousin, may I swear, as I am a soldier, by that?
EDWARD
Oh yes, that you may. It's all you have for your money.
STEPHEN
Then, as I am a gentleman, and a soldier, it is divine tobacco!
WELLBRED
But soft, where's Master Matthew? Gone?
BRAINWORM
No, sir, they went in here.
WELLBRED
Oh, let's follow them: Master Matthew is gone to salute his mistress, in verse. We shall ha' the happiness to hear some of his poetry now. He never comes unfurnished. Brainworm?
Brainworm? Where? Is this Brainworm?
EDWARD
Aye, cousin, no words of it, upon your gentility.
STEPHEN
Not I, body of me, by this air, St. George, and the foot of Pharaoh!
WELLBRED
Rare! Your cousin's discourse is simply drawn out with oaths.
EDWARD
'Tis larded with 'em. A kind of French dressing, if you love it.
[Exeunt]
Every Man in his Humour | ||