University of Virginia Library

Some Reflections On Lassie In Heat

By Fred Heblich
Cavalier Daily Staff Writer

Let's talk about drugs, this being
Drug Week, as any television will
tell you.

If you look enough at your
television you will soon discover
that not only is this Drug Week, but
every week is Drug Week, and every
day is Drug Day.

The stars of this Drug Week are
somewhat different, since they are
what television calls Hard Drugs;
you know, like marijuana, heroin,
LSD, etc. They are this week's main
fare, but the real feast to be found
on television (which, by the way, is
the cleanest medium since nothing
touches you but the light itself) lies
in the hundreds of one minute
tidbits served up every day by the
real owners of television, the
sponsors.

In any given hour on any given
station, the viewer is exposed to at
least a half-dozen commercials
advertising some kind of
medication or drug. All day long
the television tells the viewer that
something is wrong with him and a
certain product will cure the ill.

I'm not a Christian Scientist or
anti-medicine, but take a peek at
how Tee Vee is diagnosing its
viewers, and try to conjure up an
idea of how TV pictures the average
American.

First and foremost, the
American must be CLEAN. There is
no excuse for not being CLEAN
But simple cleanliness is not
enough. The American must look
clean and smell clean, and the
American can not live by soap and
hot water alone. He needs one of a
dozen different kinds of deodorant
soaps, body powder, some
antiperspirant deodorant
(remember when it was okay to
sweat if you didn't smell), some
lime-flavored shaving cream and a
razor blade of the latest
scientifically proven alloy metal,
some cologne, and some hair
grooming product.

Of course these are just the
basics. Some new ideas in
cleanliness have been discovered
and marketed for more specialized
needs, such as feminine hygiene
spray, male groin spray, foot
deodorant, eye cleanser, and many
more. Of course also I have ignored
the whole range of tooth and
mouth cleansers, as well as ear and
nose cleansers.

Once the body is clean, it must
be attired in clean clothes, which
must smell like lemons or Borax.

But even cleanliness is not
enough for a happy life. No matter
how hard one tries he is still subject
to innumerable little ills which may
aggravate his already threatened
existence in these days of modern
times. And for every little ill, there
is a little cure, and here is where the
full impact of TV drugs can be felt.

Sometimes the busy modern
housewife and her loyal spouse (on
the order of Blondie and Dagwood)
are caught under the strain of
modern living and all its tensions of
office, children, washday miracles,
and burned pot roasts. To cure the
inevitable headache, TV offers a
wide variety of products, all the
way from BC Powders to Bayer
aspirin, the one doctors
recommend. If the strain is really
too much, a Sominex, safe and
non-narcotic, will insure a safe
night's sleep.

Dying To Feel Better? Celebrate Your Health This Drug Week!

If Blondie or Dagwood
overexert themselves at the bridge
club or the bowling alley, there is
always Ben Gay, or a Doan's Pill for
nagging backache. If they have been
under-exerting themselves they can
take Geritol to improve their tired
blood.

One of the more recently popular lead
products has been laxatives,
especially Haley's MO and Phillips
Milk of Magnesia (whatever that is).
Everyone has been advertising on
the basis of youth, especially the
cosmetic manufacturers, but it has
been on the basis of Looking
Young. Now one has to Feel
Young. For a long time people
thought that the only purpose of a
laxative was to make one shit; now
we discover the real purpose is to
make one feel young. Consequently
we get, "Haley's: the Feel Young
Laxative." American science has
discovered that shitting makes one
feel young. What next?

There are, however, actual
diseases besides constipation which
can be cured by TV drugs. One is
dandruff, the notorious killer of
Saturday night dates. Another is
halitosis, and on a larger scale,
house-i-tosis. My particular favorite
is the heart of psoriasis; one of our
nations dreaded killers. Of course
for the younger set the dreaded
curse of acne has been conquered
by American know-how.

There are many, many more
which I do not mean to slight by
exclusion. But this small list is
enough to let one know that the
viewers of TV in America have
problems. The actual problem is
getting out of the bed in the
morning. The American is clean,
and his life is not supposed to be
interfered with by natures' small
problems. Pain is un-American, or
at least TV would like everyone to
believe it. And anytime some little
ill arises, well, get rid of it.

So if you feel pretty lousy some
morning, and you aren't sure what's
wrong, just turn on your television
and try what they suggest. Take
some aspirin, a laxative, a Carter's
Little Liver Pill (for little livers),
Geritol (Ed Sullivan needs it), a
Doan's Pill: rub you body with Ben
Gay, Preparation H, Vick's Formula
44; take some nose drops, a
One-A-Day vitamin, some Alierrest,
an Alka Seltzer a Sominex, a glass
of Tang, a bowl of Wheaties, a
Feenamint, Dr. Scholl's Foot
Powder, a Tijuana Small, a bottle
of Ripple, and a shoeshine.

If you follow that prescription. I
maintain you will die. But then you
will feel better in the morning,
which is what it's all about anyway.
It seems that things have been going
downhill for man ever since he first
stood up on two feet - so he
wouldn't have to smell his own
feces.