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Wits Bedlam, Where is had, Whipping-cheer, to cure the Mad

[by John Davies]
Davies, John (1565?-1618)

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[section]
  
To the Right noble Lord the Earle of Buckingham,
  
To the Printer.
  
Againe, of my Selfe.
  
It's a mad world my Maisters. And a merry world my Mistrisses.
  
Bitter zeale, is lesse than Loue.
  
A Caueat.
  
To Martiall.
  
The BOOKE to Grauitie.
  
The BOOKE to the Reader.
  
Againe.
  
Why Poets of the present times, be not so well esteem'd as those of former.
  
Of the worth of wittiest Workes, or Bookes.
  
Mercy with Iustice.
  
Those Lines which all, or none do vnderstand, Do neither with Wit, Art, nor Iudgment stand.
  
Of My selfe; and, this Bable, my Booke.
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[Epigrams.]
 1. 
Against Pseucus the too cunning Palmister, and Poet.
 2. 
Upon one named R: Holland, who kept one Nell Cotton.
 3. 
Against the nobly-desended Muscus, who wedded a Butchers fat Daughter.
 4. 
Against Faber, the Eartlesse forger.
 5. 
Against Dromus, the Borrowing barraine, or bankroupt Discourcer.
 6. 
Of Leœna, and her two friends; Spot, and Fuller.
 7. 
Of a poore Curate that wold haue pawn'd his Bible to a rich Precisians for a Crowne.
 8. 
Against selfe-conceited wine-bibbing-Phagus.
 9. 
Against Gaulus the writing-country Schole-master.
 10. 
Of Mutius, and Phormius bloudles single-Combate.
 22. 
Against Mollius, that is a most religious Turner. Probatum est.
 23. 
Of the poore, Lady Minthes frugality in taking a faire Howse.
 24. 
Of the French Fencer that challenged Church the Fencer at all weapons.
 25. 
Of Galla'es true lying.
 26. 
Of Caylus his rest in motion.
 27. 
Against the freenesse of Franks Loue.
 28. 
Of Caius his loosing his Game by missing to take a Blott.
 29. 
Of Flaccus his two Shadowes to his one body.
 30. 
Againe.
 31. 
Of one that lost a great Stomacke.
 32. 
Of old Lixus his young choyce.
 33. 
Of Maurus his Orpheus-like melody.
 34. 
Of Womens Maskes.
 35. 
Of their Mantles.
 36. 
Of the Precedency of Lawyers or Phisitions.
 37. 
Of Crispus mistaking things.
 39. 
Of old Linus his young seruice to Women.
 40. 
Of Glaucus his mirth and madnes.
 41. 
Of Dauus his selling his great horse, for a small fault.
 42. 
Of Fuluiaes feather.
 42. 
Of Wolfangus his great Nose and thin beard.
 43. 
Of one called Hoopes, his late embailment from Newgate for filching.
 44. 
To the most fortunate M. Robert Rooke, who married a most faire and vertuous wife.
 45. 
Of Ianus the Iustice, his imprisoning Angels comming from the hands of sinners.
 46. 
Against Libiduis common protestations to his Dabbe.
 47. 
Of Sir Grobolus his valiant Stomacke.
 48. 
Honor, is Uertues Shadow.
 49. 
Againe,
 50. 
Of the prodigall begger Plasmus his great charity.
 51. 
Against Plutus his being penny-wise and pound foolish.
 52. 
Against the iniudicious deprauers of men of Art.
 53. 
A Couplet or two fastned to Sir Io: Harrington his Epigramme, to doe his Ladies Knight, Yeomans Seruice.
 54. 
Against wiues that will not worship Baal.
 55. 
How bad Husbands recompence a good House-wife.
 66. 
A good Wife should be vnlike the Moone.
 68. 
Of Nell that was married to some Thing, her selfe hauing Nothing.
 69. 
Of a Wanton Paires marriage in the night.
 70. 
Of Witty Stophus that married a faire Foole.
 60. 
Of Spongius, ouerthrowne by the Kings Armes.
 61. 
Against Beastias his filthy Tongue.
 62. 
Of some Merchants Wiues coniuring.
 63. 
Against perfum'd fellows.
 64. 
Of the trauelling Eboracian Casus his strange fortune.
 65. 
Of Friscus his secret iesting with a too earnest Lady.
 66. 
Of Hipocrites, pretending to haue the Spirits Unction.
 67. 
Against selfe-flattery.
 68. 
Of a most Honorable Error.
 69. 
Of a Flatterer.
 80. 
Of a Free-man made too fast.
 81. 
Of no fish call'd Salmon.
 82. 
Of Curtius open-handednesse.
 73. 
Of Bestius hate.
 74. 
Against Faustus, the prophane swearing Swaggerer his hate.
 75. 
Against Metra her deafnesse.
 76. 
Of Cleobulinas darke Discourse.
 92. 
What Lawyers are like.
 93. 
Lawes were better to be like Hunters Toyles, which they be not: Than like Cob-webs, which they be.
 79. 
Of the vnbloudy warres of Poets.
 80. 
Of Blaynus the Beggers cunning counterfetting.
 81. 
Against Phanus his Modesty.
 82. 
Of Fluxus his constant change.
 82. 
Against Phannius sad lookes, linde with lightnesse.
 83. 
Of Nichus good fortune, being robd.
 84. 
Against Curtezans that colour their whoredome with a catholike pretence.
 85. 
Of a Knight, that did a worke of darkenesse in the Light, and my sight.
 86. 
Of my Selfe.
 87. 
Of Frontus his Formosity and Deformity.
 88. 
Of Phormus his gelded Purse.
 89. 
Of Rufus his mirry-sory night.
 90. 
Against the false suruey of one W: Pearch (a foule deformed Lowt) who, with his mathematicall Instrument, measur'd one Kate Acre amisse; yet made it full e're be had done.
 91. 
One Kingman dwelt at the signe of the White Horse in Islington; wearing out there 2. leases of 21. yeares a peece: the Landlord, at last, being bid more rent by another, vnkindly vnhorst him when he was least able to goe on foote. A lirke for that.
 92. 
Of the Nose-wise Leacher, Uolgus.
 93. 
Of Deere-stealing.
 94. 
Of Fidlers cheape good cheare.
 95. 
Of poore Cynna the precisians deadly hatred of the Crosse.
 96. 
Of Ladies silke-stocks emboss'd vpon the Tops, and Seames with gold.
 97. 
Of two Gallants that agreed to fight, went out, were hurt, and return'd without bleeding
 98. 
Of Iuliaes bookishnesse.
 99. 
Of Zenius his taking Tobacco with a whiffe.
 100. 
Of the small respect had of learned men in generall.
 101. 
Of Blanius losing his Game by ouer-shooting.
 102. 
Of one that would haue an Epitaph to ermoue the King in a Suite.
 103. 
Of Curius and Phrynees careles dancing.
 104. 
How Dol's a Drab and yet no Curtezan.
 105. 
Against Lucar the Lawyers damning an innocent Fee to hell.
 106. 
Of Stasicrates his great offer to great Alexander.
 107. 
Against Cornius the witti{s} Common Cornuter,
 108. 
Against the Prodigall Brutes excessiue riotousnesse.
 109. 
Of Cælestines performing Lycurgus his Law.
 110. 
Whether meat or drinke be most desired or may bee best foreborne.
 111. 
Of my selfe.
 112. 
Against Drunkards.
 113. 
The quality of diuers Nations.
 114. 
Against the fantasticall Attire that many Ladies weare now a daies.
 115. 
Of the strange dareing of yong gallants of these familiar times.
 116. 
Of Dawlus his vnkind kindnesse.
 117. 
Against D. Tangus his swelling phisick.
 118. 
Of the Phisitions meanes and opportunity to be baudy.
 119. 
Of Leuis his Colours.
 120. 
Of Curius his courage neuer cooled.
 121. 
Against Glossus immoderate desire of glory.
 122. 
Of false Prophets.
 123. 
Of couetons Patrons.
 124. 
Of Fluscus the proud Miser, and his more proud and miserable wifes making their Tombe before their death.
 125. 
Againe.
 126. 
Of Caylus getting by giuing ground to his enemies.
 127. 
How a Man more then Woman is shrewd.
 128. 
That which is farre fetcht and deere bought is good for Ladies.
 129. 
Of my venturing in the Lottery.
 130. 
My Rimes that ran before my reason into the Lottery.
 131. 
Of Leuis his heauines and lightnes.
 132. 
Against those that taxe this present Age for blind ignorance, sith it sees not how to commend their pretended knowledge.
 133. 
Againe.
 134. 
Epigram. 134.
 135. 
Of the vnutterable idlenesse of our She-gallants (vngentle-gentlewomen) of these times.
 136. 
Against the no lesse vaine discourses of our as idle He-Gallants.
 137. 
The Miseries of Marriage.
 138. 
Of Manes his obsession.
 139. 
On the death of Henry the fourth French King murdered.
 140. 
Of the force of Beauty, ioyn'd with pompe, and Maiesty.
 141. 
Against Marcus his insatiablenesse, and basenesse in his leachery.
 142. 
Of making Aurum potabile.
 143. 
Of Florus his holsome Tongue.
 144. 
On the gaging of Fumus his Iewell by his man.
 145. 
On Light bright Lucilla her white going.
 149. 
Of one speaking ill of me before many.
 150. 
On Fugus his cooling his flaming fury with discretion.
 151. 
That the men of these new times, are much wiser then those of the old.
 152. 
From more great, then good men, good Lord deliuer me.
 153. 
How Fortune fauourd ill fauour'd Marcus,
 154. 
Dicers are worse than Userers: and why.
 155. 
Where Rollus his late rich widow (now his proud wifes) eares grew.
  
Beares baited loose is, the worst of loose sports: and why.
  
On Parnus, Borrowing and Paying.
  
On much-promising hopefull (yet vnhelpfull Lords,
  
On Cosmus great want in great wealth and wasting in sparing.
 97. 
Iests, and iibing Answeares.
 157. 
Of one that refused to lend friend 20. nobles, when he sent to him for it with, and without a sure Token.
 158. 
Of a Crook-back that desir'd an vpright Iudge to right his wrong.
 159. 
Of Luce, and her Leuity.
 160. 
Of a Single ey'd Fencer his blind match.
 161. 
Of Tullus his disprouing a Tailors Will.
 102. 
Of Drusus his guift in reuersion taken too soone in possession.
 163. 
Of the Sacrifice of Lent.
 164. 
Against fighting in fashion.
 165. 
Of mis-reading the lines of Crustus his face.
 166. 
In Medio consistit Uertus.
 167. 
Epigram. 167.
 168. 
Of a Maids light hearing.
 196. 
Of Caprus his going a Procession.
 170. 
Of Quacus, his cooling his heate with Whey.
 177. 
Epigram. 177.
 172. 
Of Rampa, and her fowle trading at the Faire.
 173. 
Of mine Ouerseer.
 174. 
Of Homouthius his chast adultery.
 175. 
Of Hornsbie's Incredulity.
 176. 
Against the faith, hope, and charity, of our yoeng Maister Hal.
 177. 
To mine ingenious friend M. Iohn Dumbarre.
 178. 
Of Nais her keeping an Ordinary and her being ordinary.
 179. 
Againe.
 180. 
Againe, for a parting blow.
 181. 
Of Pagus the Pedagogus proud all-tong'd-Daughter.
 182. 
Againe of his vncharitable prayer.
 193. 
Of Roring Neds endlesse Ende.
 184. 
A hard choyce.
 185. 
Of a Curat's hauing two wiues at once giuen him in marriage.
 186. 
Of rich Rooke his kitchen-phisick against Vertigo.
 187. 
Of Flauias paynting; and, playing the Squirell.
 188. 
Against Kit's weake wooing of Kate.
 189. 
Of Fuluiaes recreation, and occupation.
 190. 
On Phraxus his euer-secret passions.
 191. 
Of Barbus his triall of a foolish conclusion.
 192. 
Of the goodnesse and necessity of Phisitions.
 193. 
Of their Deerenesse.
 194. 
On trauersing the error of an Action.
 195. 
Of Poggius his poore successe in Palmistry and wooing
 196. 
Of true Loue.
  
Against the corrupt iudgement of Bullus in choise, of his Wife.
 197. 
Of the Bastard Fluctus his beeing vndone by his Drab.
 198. 
Of roring Robulus his bloudlesse combats.
 199. 
Of Rufus his giuing the lie, without a Stabbe.
 200. 
Ioan's as good as my Lady.
 200. 
Of Gauffus his mis-matching his matchlesse faire Daughter.
 202. 
Against a foolish Pratler.
 203. 
Of our English Gallants-going in blacke in Lent.
 204. 
Of Poets beeing deiected.
 205. 
Of Womens Metamorphosis according to time and place.
 206. 
Tis merry, when knaues meet.
 207. 
Against Balladders.
 126. 
None can be sad and glad at once; if it be not in contrition.
 209. 
Of and against the word creepe.
 110. 
Of the power and price of gold.
 211. 
Againe of the same.
 212. 
Against Plumus his foolish pride.
 213. 
Of my incountring a Wag-taile, while I held my tongue.
 214. 
Of roring boyes Resolutions.
 215. 
Against carnall desire.
 116. 
Against Chione her feeding on fat Woodcocks.
 154. 
Against Aglaope, her sweete voice, and sow'r vice.
 218. 
Of Phagus his being a Papist inward.
 219. 
In defence of Womens well clothing and dressing themselues.
 220. 
Of Knights of famous memory.
 221. 
Against telling of incredible Truths.
 222. 
Against Canizius his witty familiarity.
 223. 
Of Aristotles faith concerning womens flesh.
 224. 
Of Dawlus his finding of a light Iewell in the Darke
 225. 
Of the best Playmakers deere-bought praise.
 226. 
Against Iustice Boniface his iniustice.
 227. 
Against the maner of our moderne Duells.
 228. 
Of my Foes and their dwelling.
 229. 
Of a letter in fauour, that prou'd an hinderer in fact.
 230. 
On Glaius and bright Mistrisse Grace a Light-one, that lightened a worke of Darknesse.
 231. 
Of Signior Shancus his feeding vpon Weedes turn'd into good Meate.
 231. 
On a worke of Supererogation.
 232. 
Of Vlalia's Uisitations.
 233. 
To Sir Iohn Harrington.
 234. 
Of Faustine's plaine and pert well-doing.
 235. 
Of Fuluia her high flying.
 236. 
Of the Game call'd; Laugh and Lye downe,
 237. 
Of the force of my Lo: Mayors Pageant.
 238. 
Against saplesse Sottus his vnkind heate.
 239. 
On Sirrah and his Wife Sarahs false play with him, for his profit.
 240. 
Of Gallae's too good agreement with me.
  
Of Fannius his feare.
 250. 
Of Frigus that died the first night he lay with his wife.
 251. 
Of one who being a Dwarfe, or little higher, kept a great tall fellowes wife.
 252. 
Of Flauius single combat: who had a valiant man to his sire, was so himselfe; but had a Whore to his mother, and a Rig to his daughter.
 253. 
The best Kings Ire burnes more than Fire.
 254. 
Uideo et taceo.
 255. 
To my deare Liege Lord King Iames.
 256. 
Againe to my Liege Lord King Iames.
 257. 
On Sir Iohn Roe.
 258. 
Of and against Earelesse Praxus.
 259. 
Against Sottus his long wronge knowledge.
 260. 
Of the Carpet Knights Sir Sim Soust Gurnerd his Quater-braules.
 261. 
Of Cracus his facing out Falshood or facing in truth.
 262. 
Of false praise.
 263. 
The rightest Seruingmen are the rightest Courtiers.
 263. 
How an Harlot is like Hell.
 264. 
Counterfeit Piety is double iniquity.
 265. 
Against powdered Haire.
 266. 
Against Gallus, his treachery, and tyrrany to Galla.
 267. 
Against the stincke of Marcus his sweetnes.
 268. 
Of the compassing of his lusts designes.
 268. 
Against Gella and her consumption.
 70. 
Against the ill cure of Gallus the Surgeon, vpon Galla.
 271. 
Against Fuluiae's Transcendency.
 272. 
Against proud great-bellied Ventus, the Smell feast.
 273. 
Against Vulpus his endlesse distinguishing.
 274. 
Poets gaine is Fame and Famine.
 275. 
Against the enuy of Muranus.
 276. 
Against gurmandizing miserable minded Fagus.
 277. 
Against the bare Brests of too well cloth'd wenches.
 278. 
No Kingdome to Content.
 279. 
Spare, to spend; like thine owne friend.
 280. 
Againe, of the same.
 281. 
Of foolish free-heartednesse.
 282. 
Against the small hat-caps of our young London Wiues.
 283. 
Against honest Notatus his being in a bawdie-house.
 284. 
Against Vanus his effeminate going.
 285. 
Against Phenenna'es painting her selfe.
 286. 
Againe, on the same Subiect.
 287. 
Of Lord Volsus his mis-vsing his friends.
 288. 
Against golden Asses.
 289. 
Of Phisitions abyding at Bathe.
 290. 
Of Flauia'es lookes after her fall.
 291. 
Against the wretchednesse of rich-men.
 292. 
Against Flexus his being sick of the Fashions.
 293. 
Of Rutus his indifferency in Religion.
 295. 
Against Flauiae's lenity.
 296. 
Of a Tricke of Youth.
 297. 
Against great Uardingales.
 298. 
Against promise-breaking.
 299. 
Against the misery of rich Misers.
 300. 
Of and against Pegus his oft change of faith:
 301. 
Of one that stands silent.
 302. 
Of Humus, his shamefull Triumph.
 303. 
Of Sponguis his chewing the Cud.
 304. 
Against Dauus his daring.
 305. 
Against Frank's grace.
 306. 
Against the old-yong Lady Faustina's vnciuill-policy to keepe her from coupling in her sole widdowes state.
 307. 
The Prodigall and miser are all one in euill.
 308. 
Of Poesie, and Paynting.
 309. 
Of womens strong, patience.
 310. 
Of Sir Iohns Phisick (whose Lands lay all on the seacoast) to make him a cleane gentleman.
 311. 
Against Clerus his darke dealing.
 312. 
Against Colphonius Frisk his scoffing at his betters for Braines.
 313. 
Of a Man in Print.
 314. 
Of a Maister of Art that lay, by the instinct of Nature, with one Mistris Barbara all night.
 315. 
Of my lying betweene two Queanes.
 316. 
Against Iacks Periurie, in prouing his honesty.
 317. 
Of Calpus his making much of a Little.
 317. 
Against Rollus his great building for little fame.
 318. 
Against Don Puffes incomperable adaciousnes.
  
The Teares of Peace.
 320. 
Against the worst of Lawyers.
 321. 
Of an ill Custome neere good Customers.
 322. 
Epi. 322.
 323. 
Of stupid Binus his preuenting of time.
 324. 
Against despertate Harrius his contempt of goodnes.
 325. 
Of Bombus the Buffon, and his laughing Patronesses.
 326. 
Of Luscus his great Faith, and small Performance.
 327. 
Of Rorers, soft speaking.
 328. 
Of Scalpus his Haires humility.
 329. 
Of Phrynas, huge-limbd Husbands Metamorphosis.
 330. 
Of Soare Times hard to cure.
 331. 
Of Sir Lauoltas high sol'd shooes and valting in his going.
 332. 
Of heauy load-bearing Birds.
 333. 
Of the great traueller Fagus.
 334. 
Against fond as furious Frontus, his swaggering to regaine his pawn'd Apparell.
 335. 
Against Spongus, a plaine Farmers Bastard, that had gotten to be of a great Lords bed-chamber.
 336. 
Against Signior Snap. haunce, the rude foolish Rorer.
 337. 
Against Rufus the Appollo ger.
 338. 
Against a Marchants as light as bright Wife, still wearing a great Chaine of Gold or'ethwart.
 339. 
Of my Selfe.
 340. 
Against Iugus, his truth, swearing.
 341. 
What rich men must doe to gaine and retayne the worlds fauour.
 342. 
Against the gallant Glossus his mis-measuring.
 343. 
Of the Vyoll.
 344. 
How Maides resemble Eue.
 345. 
Against Myntha, that would haue bin my Tenant for a fowle Fine.
 346. 
Of a man that prou'd a Slipper.
 347. 
No good Wiues in London.
 348. 
Against the too too common, as most shamelesse counterfetting the Stampe of Heauen (Beauty) by Painting; and the excessiue brauery of Men, and Women of these Times.
 349. 
Of Raggus and his proiect.
 350. 
Probatum est.
 351. 
Fast and loose.
 352. 
Of Long's being the least part of himselfe.
 353. 
To a blind Har: Par:
 353. 
Eundem. A blinde Harper.
 354. 
Of Casse and her Case.
 355. 
After the fall of Man, of the fall of Wo-men.
 356. 
As the young Cocke crowes, so doth the old.
 357. 
Against lame Hipp.
 366. 
Against M{a}rmezetus, the well knowne Sharker, cousen{ing}me of a Cloake.
 359. 
Against poore-proud Vursus his vanity
 360. 
Against Formus his shift for; not of new Bootes.
 361. 
Againe.
 362. 
Against Passus his superfluity in want.
 369. 
Of Fagus his open keeping of secrets.
 364. 
Of a balcke Iackefull of Religion.
 365. 
Of a merry World.
 366. 
To my dread Lord King Iames.
 367. 
Againe in honour of him.
 368. 
To the High and Mighty, Charles, Prince of Wales.
 369. 
To the no lesse than most graue Counsellor of Counsellors, Thomas Uicount Brackley Lord Chancellor of England.
 370. 
To the true President of Honor, William Earle of Pembroke Lord Chamberlain. &c.
 371. 
To the Right noble, and my much honored Lord, Phillip Earle of Montgomery.
 372. 
To the true Patterns of Noblesse and Heroicall vertue, Richard Earle of Dorset, and Sir Edward Sackuill Knight of the Bath his most noble Brother.
 373. 
To the Right noble Lord, Theophilus, Lord Walden.
 259. 
To the Right Honorable Sir Francis Bacon Knight. &c.
 375. 
To my much honored the Lord Hayes.
 376. 
To my Noble, highly valued friend, Pupill, and Alyes Man, Sir Edward Herbert, of Montgomery, Knight of the Bath.
 377. 
To my honorable, ingenious, worthy, friend, Sir Iohn Constable, Knight.
 378. 
To my much honored and intirely beloued Sir William Alexander Knight.
 379. 
To my venerable friend Master Doctor Goade.
 380. 
To my worthy, and beloued friend Doctor Pierce; Parson of Saint Christophers, London.
 381. 
To my best beloued friend, and aliz-man, Master Iohn Sanford.
  
To the all witty, Sir Io: Har
  
To my ingenious deere friend and Country-man Mr. Iohn Hoskins, Councellor at Law.
  
To my worthy, ingennus, and ingenius Pupill Mr. Thomas Bond.
  
To my witty and worthy friend, Inigo Iohnes Esquier, surueigher of his Maiestie workes.
  
To my learnedly witty friend, Mr. Beniamin Iohnson.
  
To my darling-friend Mr. Richard Dorington.
  
To my beloued, and most praise worthy friend, Mr. Lyte of Lytes-cary.
  
To my beloued, Mr. Robert Branthwaite.
  
To my worthy approued deere friend Mr. Iackson, Manciple of All Soules Colledge in Oxford.
  
To my worthy approued friend Mistris Sisley Tyse.
  
Of my Selfe, and my Booke.
  
Against Yellow, starcht bands. For a Farewell.
  
To my deare Mother; the Citty of Hereford.
expand section 
EPITAPHS.
  
To my Worthily much honored M. Richard Martin, learned in the Lawes, Arts, and Languages.
  
To my Noble and euer best beloued Pupill, Captaine Henry Maynwarring.
  
The conclusion.
  
On Banning.
  
An excuse for Faults escapt in Printing by reason my Occasions would not permit me to looke to the Presse.

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A hard choyce.

Epi. 184.

I faine would marry; but, more faine liue sole,
Though without wife, I am but halfe my whole:
For, man and wife one body make; and some
By marrying, marre two Bodies. I am dumbe,
Or, know not what to say: For, this good-naught
Makes me a fickle Sheptick in my thought:

Yet, when I meane to wed, Ile leaue their Schoole,
And, to be held more wise, play more the foole.
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