 | The Spanish Fryar or, The Double Discovery |  |
Enter Lorenzo, Dominic, and two Souldiers at a distance.
Dom.
I'll not wag an ace farther: The whole World shall not
bribe me to it; for my Conscience will digest these gross
Enormities no longer.
Lor.
How, thy Conscience not digest 'em! There's ne'er a
Fryar in Spain can show a Conscience that comes near it for Digestion:
it digested Pimping when I sent thee with my Letter:
and it digested Perjury when thou swor'st thou didst not know me:
I'm sure it has digested me Fifty pound of as hard Gold as is in
all Barbary: Prithy, why shouldst thou discourage Fornication,
when thou knowest thou lovest a sweet young Girl?
Dom.
Away, away; I do not love 'em;—phau; no,—spits.
I do not love a pretty Girl;—you are so waggish;—spits again.
Lor.
Why, thy mouth waters at the very mention of them.
Dom.
You take a mighty pleasure in Defamation, Colonel;
but I wonder what you find in running restless up and down,
breaking your Brains, emptying your Purse, and wearing out
your Body with hunting after unlawfull Game.
Lor.
Why there's the Satisfaction on't.
Dom.
This Incontinency may proceed to Adultery, and Adultery
to Murther, and Murther to Hanging; and there's the Satisfaction
on't.
Lor.
I'll not hang alone, Fryar; I'm resolv'd to peach thee before
thy Superiours for what thou hast done already.
Dom.
I'm resolv'd to forswear it if you doe: Let me advise
you better, Colonel, then to accuse a Church-man to a Church-man:
in the common Cause we are all of a piece; we hang together.
Lor.
(Aside.)
If you don't, it were no matter if you did.
Dom.
Nay, if you talk of Peaching, I'll peach first, and see
whose Oath will be believ'd; I'll trounce you for offering to corrupt
my Honesty, and bribe my Conscience: you shall be summon'd
by an host of Paratours; you shall be sentenc'd in the Spiritual
Here Lorenzo takes a Purse, and plaies with it, and, at last, lets the Purse fall chinking on the ground; which the Fryar eyes.
In another tone.
I say a man might doe this now, if he were
maliciously dispos'd, and had a mind to bring matters to extremity;
but, considering that you are my Friend, a Person of Honour,
and a worthy good charitable Man, I wou'd rather dye a
thousand deaths then disoblige you.
Nay, Good Sir; nay, Dear Colonel; O Lord, Sir, what are
you doing now! I profess this must not be: without this I wou'd
have serv'd you to the uttermost; pray command me: a jealous,
foul-mouth'd Rogue this Gomez is: I saw how he us'd you, and
you mark'd how he us'd me too: O he's a bitter man; but we'll
join our Forces; ah, shall we, Colonel? we'll be reveng'd on him
with a witness.
Lor.
But how shall I send her word to be ready at the door,
(for I must reveal it in Confession to you,) that I mean to carry
her away this evening, by the help of these two Souldiers? I
know Gomez suspects you, and you will hardly gain admittance.
Dom.
Let me alone; I fear him not; I am arm'd with the Authority
of my cloathing; yonder I see him keeping Centry at
his door: have you never seen a Citizen, in a cold morning, clapping
his sides, and walking forward and backward a mighty
pace before his Shop? but I'll gain the Pass in spight of his suspicion;
stand you aside, and do but mark how I accost him.
Lor.
If he meet with a repulse, we must throw off the Foxe's
skin, and put on the Lion's, come, Gentlemen, you'll stand by me.
Souldier,
Do not doubt us, Colonel.
They retire all three to a corner of the Stage, Dominic goes to the door where Gomez stands.
Dom.
Good even Gomez, how does your Wife?
Gom.
Just as you wou'd have her, thinking on nothing, but her
dear Colonel, and conspiring Cuckoldom against me.
Dom.
I dare say you wrong her, she is employing her thoughts
how to cure you of your Jealousie.
Yes, by Certainty.
Dom.
By your leave, Gomez; I have some Spiritual Advice to
impart to her on that Subject.
Gom.
You may spare your Instructions if you please, Father,
she has no farther need of them.
Dom.
How, no need of them! Do you speak in Riddles?
Gom.
Since you will have me speak plainer; she has profited
so well already by your Counsel, that she can say her Lesson
without your teaching: Do you understand me now?
Dom.
I must not neglect my duty, for all that; once again, Gomez,
by your leave.
Gom.
She's a little indispos'd at present, and it will not be convenient
to disturb her.
Dominic offers to go by him, but t'other stands before him.
Dom.
Indispos'd, say you? O, it is upon those occasions that a
Confessor is most necessary; I think it was my good Angel that
sent me hither so opportunely.
Gom.
Ay, whose good Angels sent you hither, that you best
know, Father.
Dom.
A word or two of Devotion will do her no harm I'm
sure.
Gom.
A little Sleep will doe her more good I'm sure: You
know she disburthen'd her Conscience but this morning to you.
Dom.
But, if she be ill this afternoon, she may have new occasion
to confess.
Gom.
Indeed, as you order matters with the Colonel, she may
have occasion of confessing her self every hour.
Dom.
Pray, how long has she been sick?
Gom.
Lord, you will force a man to speak; why ever since
your last Defeat.
Dom.
This can be but some light Indisposition, it will not last,
and I may see her.
Gom.
How, not last! I say, It will last, and it shall last; she
shall be sick these seven or eight days, and perhaps longer, as I see
occasion: what; I know the mind of her Sickness a little better
then you doe.
Dom.
I find then, I must bring a Doctor.
Gom.
And he'll bring an Apothecary with a chargeable long
bill of Ana's: those of my Family have the Grace to dye cheaper:
here: I am resolv'd to stand like the Swiss of my own Family, to defend
the entrance; you may mumble over your Pater Nosters if
you please, and try if you can make my doors fly open, and batter
down my walls with Bell, Book, and Candle; but I am not of
opinion that you are holy enough to commit Miracles.
Dom.
Men of my Order are not to be treated after this manner.
Dom.
I wou'd treat the Pope and all his Cardinals in the same
manner, if they offer'd to see my Wife without my leave.
Dom.
I excommunicate thee from the Church, if thou dost not
open, there's Promulgation coming out.
Gom.
And I excommunicate you from my Wife, if you go to
that; there's Promulgation for Promulgation, and Bull for Bull;
and so I leave you to recreate your self with the end of an old
Song—and Sorrow came to the old Fryar.
Lorenzo comes to him.
Lor.
I will not ask you your Success; for I over-heard part of
it, and saw the Conclusion; I find we are now put upon our last
Trump; the Fox is earth'd, but I shall send my two Terriers in
after him.
Souldier,
I warrant you, Colonel, we'll unkennel him.
Lor.
And make what haste you can to bring out the Lady:
what say you, Father, Burglary is but a venial Sin among Souldiers.
Dom.
I shall absolve them, because he is an enemy of the
Church—there is a Proverb, I confess, which saies, That
Dead-men tell no Tales; but let your Souldiers apply it at their
own Perils.
Lor.
What, take away a man's Wife, and kill him too! the
Wickedness of this old Villain startles me, and gives me a twinge
for my own Sin; though it come far short of his: hark you
Souldiers, be sure you use as little Violence to him as is possible.
Dom.
Hold a little, I have thought better how to secure him,
with less danger to us.
Lor.
O Miracle, the Fryar is grown conscientious!
Dom.
The old King you know is just murther'd, and the persons
that did it are unknown; let the Souldiers seize him for one
of the Assassinates, and let me alone to accuse him afterwards.
I cry thee mercy with all my heart, for suspecting a Fryar
of the least good-nature; what, wou'd you accuse him wrongfully?
Dom.
I must confess, 'tis wrongfull quoad hoc, as to the Fact
it self; but 'tis rightfull quoad hunc, as to this Heretical Rogue,
whom we must dispatch: he has rail'd against the Church, which
is a fouler Crime than the murther of a Thousand Kings; Omne
majus continet inse minus: He that is an Enemie to the Church,
is an Enemie unto Heaven; and he that is an Enemie to Heaven,
wou'd have kill'd the King, if he had been in the Circumstances
of doing it: so it is not wrongfull to accuse him.
Lor.
I never knew a Church-man, if he were personally offended,
but he wou'd bring in Heaven by hook or crook into his
Quarrel. Souldiers, Doe as you were first order'd.
[Exeunt Souldiers.
Dom.
What was't you order'd 'em? Are you sure it's safe, and
not scandalous?
Lor.
Somewhat near your own Design, but not altogether so
mischievous; the People are infinitely discontented, as they have
reason; and Mutinies there are, or will be, against the Queen;
now I am content to put him thus far into the Plot, that he should
be secur'd as a Traitor; but he shall onely be Prisoner at the
Souldiers quarters; and when I am out of reach, he shall be
releas'd.
Dom.
And what will become of me then? for when he is free
he will infallibly accuse me.
Lor.
Why then, Father, you must have recourse to your infallible
Church remedies, Lie impudently, and Swear devoutly, and,
as you told me but now, let him try whose Oath will be first believ'd:
Retire; I hear 'em coming.
[They withdraw.
Enter the Souldiers with Gomez strugling on their backs.
Gom.
Help, good Christians, help Neighbours; my House
is broken open by force; and I am ravish'd, and am like to be
assassinated; what do you mean Villains? will you carry me away
like a Pedler's Pack upon your backs? will you murther a
man in plain day-light?
First Souldier,
No: But we'll secure you for a Traitor; and
for being in a Plot against the State.
Gom.
Who, I in a Plot! O Lord! O Lord! I never durst be
of so much wit as to make a Plotter? there are none but poor
Rogues, and those that can't live without it, that are in Plots.
Second Souldier,
Away with him, away with him.
Gom.
O, my Gold! my Wife! my Wife! my Gold! As I hope
to be sav'd now, I know no more of the Plot than they that made
it.
[They carry him off, and exeunt.
Lor.
Thus far have we sail'd with a merry gale, and now we
have the Cape of good Hope in sight; the Trade wind is our own
if we can but double it.
(Aside.)
Ah, my Father and Pedro stand at the corner of the
Street with company, there's no stirring till they are past!
Enter Elvira with a Casket.
Elvi.
Am I come at last into your Arms?
Lor.
Fear nothing; the Adventure's ended; and the Knight
may carry off the Lady safely.
Elvi.
I'm so overjoy'd, I can scarce believe I am at liberty;
but stand panting, like a Bird that has often beaten her Wings in
vain against her Cage, and at last dares hardly venture out though
she sees it open.
Dom.
Lose no time, but make haste while the way is free for
you; and thereupon I give you my Benediction.
Lor.
'Tis not so free as you suppose; for there's an old Gentleman
of my acquaintance that blocks up the passage at the corner
of the street.
Dom.
What have you gotten there under your Arm, Daughter?
somewhat I hope that will bear your Charges in your Pilgrimage.
Lor.
The Fryar has an Hawk's eye to Gold and Jewels.
Elvi.
Here's that will make you dance without a Fiddle, and
provide better Entertainment for us then Hedges in Summer,
and Barns in Winter; here's the very Heart and Soul, and Life
Bloud of Gomez; Pawns in abundance, old Gold of Widows, and
new Gold of Prodigals, and Pearls and Diamonds of Court Ladys,
till the next Bribe helps their Husbands to redeem 'em.
Dom.
They are the Spoils of the Wicked, and the Church endows
you with 'em.
Lor.
And, Faith, we'll drink the Churche's Health out of them.
But all this while I stand on Thorns; prithe, Dear, look out, and
of being known.
Elvira goes to look, and Gomez comes running in upon her: she shrieks out.
Gom.
Thanks to my Stars, I have recover'd my own Territories
—What do I see! I'm ruin'd! I'm undone! I'm betray'd!
Dom.
(Aside.)
What a hopefull Enterprize is here spoil'd?
Gom.
O, Colonel, are you there? and you, Fryar? nay, then I
find how the World goes.
Lor.
Cheer up man; thou art out of jeopardy; I heard thee
crying out just now; and came running in full speed with the
Wings of an Eagle and the Feet of a Tyger to thy rescue.
Gom.
Ay, you are alwaies at hand to doe me a Courtesie with
your Eagle's Feet, and your Tyger's Wings: and, What were you
here for, Fryar?
Dom.
To interpose my Spiritual Authority in your behalf.
Gom.
And why did you shriek out, Gentlewoman?
Elvi.
'Twas for Joy at your Return.
Gom.
And that Casket under your Arm, for what end and purpose?
Elvi.
Onely to preserve it from the Thieves.
Gom.
And you came running out of doors—
Elvi.
Onely to meet you, sweet Husband.
Gom.
A fine Evidence sum'd up among you; thank you heartily;
you are all my Friends: the Colonel was walking by accidentally,
and, hearing my voice, came in to save me; the Fryar,
who was hobling the same way too, accidentally again, and not
knowing of the Colonel, I warrant you, he comes in to pray for
me; and my faithfull Wife runs out of doors to meet me with all
my Jewels under her Arm, and shrieks out for Joy at my return:
but if my Father-in-law had not met your Souldiers, Colonel, and
deliver'd me in the nick, I shou'd neither have found a Friend nor
a Fryar here, and might have shriek'd out for joy my self for the
loss of my Jewels and my Wife.
Dom.
Art thou an Infidel? Wilt thou not believe us?
Gom.
Such Church-men as you wou'd make any man an Infidel:
Get you into your Kennel, Gentlewoman; I shall thank you
within doors for your safe custody of my Jewels and your own.
[He thrusts his Wife off the Stage.
Exit Elvira.
who's the greater Plotter of us two, I against the State, or
you against the Petticoate.
Lor.
Nay, if you will complain, you shall for some thing.
[Beats him.
Gom.
Murther! murther! I give up the Ghost! I am destroy'd!
help! murther! murther!
Dom.
Away, Colonel, let us fly for our Lives; the neighbours
are coming out with Forks and Fire-shovels and Spits and other
domestick Weapons; the Militia of a whole Alley is rais'd against us.
Lor.
This is but the Interest of my Debt, Master Usurer, the
Principal shall be paid you at our next meeting.
Dom.
Ah, if your Souldiers had but dispatch'd him, his Tongue
had been laid a sleep, Colonel; but this comes of not following
good counsel; ah—
[Exeunt Lor. and Fryar severally.
Gom.
I'll be reveng'd of him if I dare; but he's such a terrible
Fellow that my mind misgives me; I shall tremble when I
have him before the Judge: all my Misfortunes come together:
I have been robb'd, and cuckolded, and ravish'd, and beaten in one
quarter of an hour; my poor Limbs smart, and my poor Head
akes: ay, do, do, smart Limb, ake Head, and sprout Horns; but
I'll be hang'd before I'll pity you: you must needs be married,
must ye? there's for that,
(beats his own Head)
and to a fine,
young, modish Lady, must ye? there's for that too; and, at threescore,
you old, doting Cuckhold, take that remembrance—a
fine time of day for a man to be bound Prentice, when he is past
using of his Trade; to set up an equipage of Noise, when he has
most need of Quiet; instead of her being under Covert-baron, to
be under Covert-feme my self; to have my Body disabl'd, and
my Head fortified; and, lastly, to be crowded into a narrow Box
with a shrill Trebble,
And first taught Speaking-trumpets how to sound.
[Exit Gomez.
| The Spanish Fryar or, The Double Discovery | |