Olor Iscanus :: :: University of Virginia Library

Here, take again thy Sack-cloth! and thank heav'n
Thy Courtship hath not kill'd me; Is't not Even
Whether wee dye by peecemeale, or at once
Since both but ruine, why then for the nonce
Didst husband my afflictions, and cast o're
Me this forc'd Hurdle to inflame the score?
Had I neer London in this Rug been seen
Without doubt I had executed been
For some bold Irish spy, and crosse a sledge
Had layn mess'd up for their foure gates and bridge.
When first I bore it, my oppressed feet
Would needs perswade me, 'twas some Leaden sheet;
Such deep Impressions, and such dangerous holes
Were made, that I began to doubt my soals,
And ev'ry step (so neer necessity)
Devoutly wish'd some honest Cobler by,
Besides it was so short, the Jewish rag
Seem'd Circumcis'd, but had a Gentile shag.
Hadst thou been with me on that day, when wee
Left craggie Biston, and the fatall Dee,
When beaten with fresh storms, and late mishap
It shar'd the office of a Cloke, and Cap,
To see how 'bout my clouded head it stood
Like a thick Turband, or some Lawyers Hood,
While the stiffe, hollow pletes on ev'ry side
Like Conduit-pipes rain'd from the Bearded hide,
I know thou wouldst in spite of that day's fate
Let loose thy mirth at my new shape and state,
And with a shallow smile or two professe
Some Sarazin had lost the Clowted Dresse.
Didst ever see the good wife (as they say)
March in her short cloke on the Christning day,

With what soft motions she salutes the Church,
And leaves the Bedrid Mother in the lurch;
Just so Jogg'd I, while my dull horse did trudge
Like a Circuit-beast plagu'd with a goutie Judge.

But this was Civill. I have since known more
And worser pranks: One night (as heretofore
Th'hast known) for want of change (a thing which I
And Bias us'd before me) I did lye
Pure Adamite, and simply for that end
Resolv'd, and made this for my bosome-friend.
O that thou hadst been there next morn, that I
Might teach thee new Micro-cosmo graphie!
Thou wouldst have ta'ne me, as I naked stood,
For one of th'seven pillars before the floud,
Such Characters and Hierogliphicks were
In one night worn, that thou mightst justly swear
I'd slept in Cere-cloth, or at Bedlam where
The mad men lodge in straw, I'le not forbear
To tell thee all, his wild Impress and tricks
Like Speeds old Britans made me look, or Picts;
His villanous, biting, Wire-embraces
Had seal'd in me more strange formes and faces
Than Children see in dreams, or thou hast read
In Arras, Puppet-playes, and Ginger-bread,
With angled Schemes, and Crosses that bred fear
Of being handled by some Conjurer,
And neerer thou wouldst think (such strokes were drawn)
I'd been some rough statue of Fetter-lane,
Nay, I believe, had I that instant been
By Surgeons or Apothecaries seen,
They had Condemned my raz'd skin to be
Some walking Herball, or Anatomie.

But (thanks to th'day!) 'tis off. I'd now advise
Thee friend to put this peece to Merchandize;
The Pedlars of our age have business yet,
And gladly would against the Fayr-day fit
Themselves with such a Roofe, that can secure
Their Wares from Dogs and Cats rain'd in showre,

It shall performe; or if this will not doe
'Twill take the Ale-wives sure; 'Twill make them two
Fine Roomes of One, and spread upon a stick
Is a partition without Lime or Brick.
Horn'd obstinacie! how my heart doth fret
To think what Mouthes and Elbowes it would set
In a wet day? have you for two pence e're
Seen King Harryes Chappell at Westminster,
Where in their dustie gowns of Brasse and Stone
The Judges lye, and markt you how each one
In sturdie Marble-plets about the knee
Bears up to shew his legs and symmetrie?
Just so would this; that I Think't weav'd upon
Some stiffneckt Brownists exercising loome.
O that thou hadst it when this Jugling fate
Of Souldierie first seiz'd me! at what rate
Would I have bought it then, what was there but
I would have giv'n for the Compendious hatt?
I doe not doubt but (if the weight could please,)
'Twould guard me better than a Lapland-lease,
Or a German shirt with Inchanted lint
Stuff'd through, and th'devils beard and face weav'd in't.

But I have done. And think not, friend, that I
This freedome took to Jeere thy Courtesie,
I thank thee for't, and I believe my Muse
So known to thee, thou'lt not suspect abuse;
She did this, 'cause (perhaps) thy love paid thus
Might with my thanks out-live thy Cloke, and Us.