University of Virginia Library

By Your Graffiti Ye Shall Be Known

By HOLLY SMITH

Imagine for a moment, if
you will, that some time next
week an orange and blue mold
will rise from the steam tunnels
and within a matter of 48
hours cover every building on
the grounds.

Continue the fantasy and
ask yourself what the
archaeologists who uncover the
buildings 500 years later will
use to try to reconstruct the
characteristics of the students
within the different disciplines
of the University. Keep in mind
that the few books that were
not removed were devoured by
the mold; all that is left are
some scratchings on the desks
and bathroom walls.

According to a recent study
of University graffiti done by
two fourth-year College

students, Clay Ratteree and
Ellison Thomas, the imaginary
archaeologists would have to
draw these generalizations:
that the art students were
verbally as well as artistically
talented; that ROTC students
were, in general, a violent
breed; that graduate students
were a rather dull group; and
that the women of the
University must have been
mere ornaments to academia,
for they would appear to have
been completely illiterate.

Their study, titled "Graffiti
at the University of Virginia,"
goes on to comment: "The
most positive link between the
building and the tone of the
building was founding Thornton
Hall, the Engineering
School—equations were a
popular mode of expression,
and similar equations were not
found anywhere else on the
Grounds...

"Alderman Library, the
womb of the University,
revealed a melange of graffiti
from which one could
conclude only that U. Va. has
an extremely diverse student
body... Also, regrettably,
President Shannon keeps his
walls clean..."

Mr. Ratterree and Mr.
Thomas were assisted in their
study by "Ms." Peggy Crispell.
"Without exception," they
wrote, "in every building that
we checked the men's room,
our colleague checked the
women's room if one existed.
She did not find so much as
one word in any bathroom."

Choicest

Lest the painter's brush
condemns some of the better
graffiti to complete oblivion,
preserved below are a few of
the choicest scrawlings Mr.
Ratterree and Mr. Thomas
recorded. Apologies go to the
male portion of the audience;
the majority of the list may be
new to only the
graffiti-deprived female
readers.

Alderman Library

Nietzsche is pietzche

If Jesus is the answer, what was
the question?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to
be.

Norman Graebner uses
teleprompters.

Fayerweather Hall

You'll wonder where the
yellow went when we drop our
bombs on the Orient.

Rosemary's baby is a deviled
egg

Please...don't throw toothpicks
in the toilet...these crabs can
pole vault

Old Cabell Hall

Grass will get you through
times of no money better than
money will get you through
times of no grass

Graffiti sucks

—Mrs. Graffiti

Campbell Hall

Jesus Saves but Moses Invests

Minor Hall

All graffiti has been moved to
the men's room in the
basement of Cocke Hall

Rouss Hall

Lionel

Thornton Hall

B414Q, RU/18, QT&pgr;

Second Study

A second graffiti study was
compiled by fourth-year
education student Scott
McIntyre for a paper in his
American folklore class. He
read the carrels in Alderman
Library and grouped the
graffiti according to type.
Below is a sampling of the
sayings he found.

Lists

Unicops: 1) Eat their young...

Philosophical

I'd like to know what this
whole show is about before it's
all out.

Is anybody out there

Do any of you know what it
feels like to be a wall

If a stone falls on an egg, alas
for the egg

If an egg falls on a stone, alas
for the egg

A joint, a rubber and thou
Throughout history Humanity
has been led around by its
gonads

Yea though I walk through the
valley of the shadow of death I
shall fear no evil. For I am the
meanest mot ha in the valley

Graffiti

This carrel condemned for the
use and attempted dispersion
of incompetent graffiti
Comments on this wall are
not necessarily the opinions
of this wall but are provided as
a public service

Notice: this wall to be out in
paperback next month
Copyright, Giovanni Graffiti

Religious

Christmas is cancelled! Joseph
confessed!

Contrary to popular belief
God's last name is not damn,
it's Smith
(different handwriting) No, it's
zilla

Group Prejudice

The woman's role in education
is on her back

Riddles, Jokes, Word Play

Why can't Smokey the Bear's
wife have kids? Because every
time she gets hot he beats her
with a shovel.

Why does Helen Keller only
play the piano with one hand?
answer: she sings with the
other one.

Help! The paranoids are after
me!

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I'm lonesome and dying. Help.
McIntyre collects graffiti