 | Women beware Women |  |
Scæn 3.
Enter Guardiano and Isabella at one door, and the Ward and Sordido at another.Guard.
Now Nephew, here's the Gentlewoman again.
Ward.
Mass here she's come again; mark her now Sordido.
Guard.
This is the Maid, my love and care has chose
Out for your wife, and so I tender her to you;
Your self has been eye witness of some qualities
That speak a courtly breeding, and are costly.
I bring you both to talk together now,
'Tis time you grew familiar in your tongues;
To morrow you joyn hands, and one Ring ties you,
And one Bed holds you (if you like the choice)
Her Father and her friends are i'th' next room,
And stay to see the contract ere they part:
Therefore dispatch good Ward, be sweet and short;
Like her, or like her not, there's but two ways;
And one your body, th'other your purse pays.
Ward.
I warrant you Gardiner, I'll not stand all day thruming,
But quickly shoot my bolt at your next coming.
Guard.
Well said: Good fortune to your birding then.
I never miss'd mark yet.
Sord.
Troth I think Master, if the truth were known,
You never shot at any but the Kitchin-wench,
And that was a she-woodcock, a meer innocent,
That was oft lost, and cri'd at eight and twenty.
Ward.
No more of that meat Sordido, here's Eggs o'th' spit now,
We must turn gingerly, draw out the Catalogue
Of all the faults of women.
Sord.
How, all the faults! have you so little reason
to think so much Paper will lie in my breeches? why
ten carts will not carry it, if you set down but the
Bauds; all the faults? pray let's be content with a
few of 'em; and if they were less, you would finde
'em enough I warrant you: Look you Sir.
Isab.
But that I have th'advantage of the fool,
As much as womans heart can wish and joy at,
What an infernal torment 'twere to be
Thus bought and sold, and turn'd and pri'd into; when alass
The worst bit is too good for him? and the comfort is
H'as but a Caters place on't, and provides
All for anothers table; yet how curious
The Ass is, like some nice professor on't,
That buys up all the daintiest food i'th' Markets,
And seldom licks his lips after a taste on't!
Sord.
Now to her, now y'have scand all her parts over.
Ward.
But at end shall I begin now Sordido?
Sord.
Oh ever at a womans lip, while you live Sir, do you ask that question?
Ward.
Methinks Sordido, sh'as but a crabbed face to begin with.
Sord.
A crabbed face? that will save money.
Ward.
How! save money Sordido?
I Sir: For having a crabbed face of her
own, she'll eat the less Verjuyce with her Mutton;
'twill save Verjuyce at years end Sir.
Ward.
Nay and your jests begin to be sawcy once,
I'll make you eat your meat without Mustard.
Sord.
And that in some kinde is a punishment.
Ward.
Gentlewoman, they say 'tis your pleasure
to be my wife, and you shall know shortly whether
it be mine or no, to be your husband; and thereupon
thus I first enter upon you. Oh most delicious
scent! Methinks it tasted as if a man had stept into
a Comfit-makers shop to let a Cart go by; all the
while I kiss'd her: It is reported Gentlewoman
you'll run mad for me, if you have me not.
Isab.
I should be in great danger of my wits Sir,
For being so forward, should this Ass kick backward now.
Ward.
Alass poor Soul! And is that hair your own?
Isab.
Mine own, yes sure Sir, I ow nothing for't.
Ward.
'Tis a good hearing, I shall have the less to
pay when I have married you: Look, does her eyes
stand well.
Sord.
They cannot stand better
Then in her head, I think, where would you have them?
And for her Nose, 'tis of a very good last.
Ward.
I have known as good as that has not lasted a year though.
Sord.
That's in the using of a thing; will not any
strong bridge fall down in time, if we do nothing
but beat at the bottom: A Nose of Buff would not
last always Sir, especially if it came in to th'Camp
once.
Ward.
But Sordido, how shall we do to make her
laugh, that I may see what Teeth she has; for I'll
bargain:
Sord.
Why do but you fall in talk with her, you
cannot chuse but one time or other, make her laugh
Sir.
Ward.
It shall go hard, but I will: Pray what qualities
have you beside singing and dancing, can you
play at Shittlecock forsooth?
Isab.
I, and at Stool-ball too Sir; I have great luck at it:
Ward.
Why can you catch a Ball well?
Isab.
I have catcht two in my lap at one game.
Ward.
What have you woman? I must have you learn
To play at trap too, then y'are full and whole.
Isab.
Any thing that you please to bring me up too,
I shall take pains to practise.
Ward.
'Twill not do Sordido, we shall never get
her mouth open'd wide enough.
Sord.
No Sir; that's strange! then here's a trick for your learning.
He yawns.
Look now, look now; quick, quick there.
Ward.
Pox of that scurvy mannerly trick with Handkercheif,
It hindred me a little, but I am satisfied.
When a fair woman gapes, and stops her mouth so,
It shows like a Cloth-stopple in a Cream-pot,
I have fair hope of her Teeth now Sordido.
Sord.
Why then y'have all well Sir, for ought I see
She's right and straight enough, now as she stands:
They'll commonly lie crooked, that's no matter: Wise Gamesters
Never finde fault with that, let 'em lie still so.
Ward.
I'ld sain mark how she goes, and then I
Woman, she's an unlucky thing to meet in a
morning; her heels keep together so, as if she were
beginning an Irish dance still; and he wrigling of
her Bum, playing the tune to't: But I have bethought
a cleanly shift to finde it; dab down as you see me,
and peep of one side, when her back's toward you;
I'll shew you the way.
Sord.
And you shall finde me apt enough to peeping,
I have been one of them has seen mad sights
Under your Scaffolds.
Ward.
Will it please you walk forsooth,
A turn or two by your self? you are so pleasing to me,
I take delight to view you on both sides.
Isab.
I shall be glad to fetch a walk to your love Sir;
'Twill get Affection, a good stomach Sir,
Which I had need have, to fall to such course victuals.
Ward.
Now go thy ways for a clean treading Wench,
As ever man in modesty peep't under:
Sord.
I see the sweetest sight to please my Master.
Never went Frenchman righter upon ropes
Then she on Florentine rushes.
Ward.
'Tis enough forsooth.
Isab.
And how do you like me now Sir?
Ward.
Faith so well, I never mean to part with thee Sweet-heart,
Under some sixteen children, and all Boys.
Isab.
You'll be at simple pains, if you prove kinde,
And breed 'em all in your teeth.
Ward.
Nay by my Faith, what serves your belly
for? 'twould make my cheeks look like blown Bagpipes.
Guard.
How now Ward and Nephew,
Gentlewoman and Neece! speak, is it so or not?
Ward.
'Tis so, we are both agreed Sir.
Guard:
Into your kinred then;
There's friends, and Wine, and Musick waits to welcome you.
Ward.
Then I'll be drunk for joy.
Sord.
And I for company,
I cannot break my Nose in a better action.
Exeunt.
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