 | The Mayor of Quinborough |  |
SCENA 1.
Enter Symon and his Brethren, Aminadab his Clerk.Sym.
Is not that Rebel Oliver, that Traytor to my year,
Prehended yet?
Ami.
Not yet, so please your Worship.
Sym.
Not yet say'st thou? how durst thou say, not yet,
And see me present? thou malapert, that art good for nothing
But to write and read. Is his Loom seiz'd upon?
Ami.
Yes, if it like your Worship, and 16 yards of Fustian.
Sym.
Good, let a yard be sav'd to mend me between the Legs,
The rest cut in pieces and given to the poor,
'Tis Heretick Fustian, and should be burnt indeed,
But being worn thred-bare the shame will be as great,
How think you Neighbours?
Glo.
Greater methinks the longer it is wore,
Where being once burnt it can be burnt no more.
Sym.
True, wise and most senseless. How now, Sirra,
Enter a Footman.
What's he approaching here in dusty pumps?
Ami.
A Footman, Sir, to the great King of Kent.
Sym.
The King of Kent? shake him by the hand for me,
Th'art welcome, Footman, loe, my Deputy shakes thee,
Come when my year is out, I'le doe't my self.
If 'twere a Dog that came from the King of Kent,
I keep those Officers would shake him, I trow.
And what's the News with thee, thou well stew'd Footman?
Foot.
The King my Master—
Sym.
Ha?
Foot.
With a few Saxons,
Intends this night to make merry with you.
Sym.
Merry with me? I should be sorry else, fellow,
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Why was I chosen, but that great men should make
Merry with me? there is a jest indeed;
Tell him, I lookt fort't, and me much he wrongs,
If he forget Sym that cut out his thongs.
Foot.
I'le run with your Worships answer.
Exit.
Sym.
Do I prithee;
That fellow will be rosted against supper,
He's half enough already, his Brows baste him.
The King of Kent! the King of Kirsendome
Shall not be better welcome; for you must imagine now, Neighbours,
This is the time when Kent stands out of Kirsendome,
For he that's King here now was never kirsen'd;
This for your more Instruction I thought fit,
That when you are dead you may teach your Children wit.
Clerk!
Ami.
At your Worships elbow.
Sym.
I must turn you
From the Hall to the Kitchin to night. Give order that 12 Pigs be
Rosted yellow; 9 Geese, and some 3 Larks for piddling meat;
And twenty Woodcocks, I'le bid all my Neighbours;
Give charge the mutton come in all bloud-raw, that is Infidels meat,
The King of Kent is a Pagan, and must be serv'd so.
And let those Officers that seldom, or never go to Church
Bring it in, 'twill be the better taken. Run, run, come you hither
Now, take all my Cushions down and thwack them soundly,
After my Feast of Millers; for their Buttocks
Have left a peck of flower in them, beat them carefully
Over a bolting hutch, there will be enough
For a Pan-pudding, as your Dame will handle it.
Then put fresh water into both the Bough-pots,
And burn a little Juniper in the Hall-Chimney,
Like a beast as I was, I pist out the fire last night,
And never dreamt of the Kings coming. How now,
Returned so quickly?
Ami.
Please your Worship here are
A certain Company of Players.
Sym.
Ha, Players!
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Country Comedians, Interluders, Sir,
Desire your Worships favour
And leave to enact in the Town-Hall.
Sym.
In the Town-Hall?
'Tis ten to one I never grant them that;
Call them before my Worship.
Enter Cheaters.
If my house will not serve their turn, I would fain see
The proudest he lend them a barn:
Now, Sirs, are you Comedians?
2 Cheat.
We are Sir, Comedians, Tragedians,
Tragi-Comedians, Comi-Tragedians, Pastorists,
Humorists, Clownists, Satyrists; we have them Sir,
From the hug to the smile, from the smile to the laugh,
From the laugh to the handkerchief.
Sym.
Y'are very strong in the wrist methinks;
And must all these good parts be cast away
Upon Pedlers, and Malt-men, ha?
1 Cheat.
For want of better company, if it please your Worship.
Sym.
What think you of me my Masters?
Hum; have you audacity enough
To play before so high a person as my self? will not
My countenance daunt you? for if you play before me
I shall often look on you, I give you that warning before hand,
Take it not ill my Masters, I shall laugh at you,
And truly when I am least offended with you;
It is my humour, but be not you abash'd.
1 Cheat.
Sir, we have plaid before a Lord e're now,
Though we be Country Actors.
Sym.
A Lord? ha, ha,
Thou'lt find it a harder thing to please a Mayor.
2 Cheat.
We have a Play wherein we use a horse.
Sym.
Fellows, you use no horse-play in my house,
My rooms are rubb'd, keep it for Hackney-men.
1 Cheat.
We'le not offer it to your Worship.
Sym.
Give me a Play without a Beast, I charge you.
2 Cheat.
That's hard, without a Cuckold or a Drunkard?
Sym.
Oh those Beasts are often the best men in a Parish,
And must not be kept out. But which is your merriest play?
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2 Cheat,
Your Worship shall hear
Their names, and take your Choice.
Sym.
And that's plain dealing. Come begin, Sir.
2 Cheat.
The Whirligig, the Whibble, the Carwidgen.
Sym.
Hey day, what names are these!
2 Cheat.
New names of late.
The Wild-goose Chase.
Sym.
I understand thee now.
2 Cheat.
Gull upon Gull.
Sym.
Why this is somewhat yet.
1 Cheat.
Woodcock of our side.
Sym.
Get thee further off then.
2 Cheat.
The Cheater and the Clown.
Sym.
Is that come up again?
That was a Play when I was Prentice first.
2 Cheat.
I, but the Cheater has learn'd more tricks of late,
And gulls the Clown with new additions.
Sym.
Then is your Clown a Coxcomb, which is he?
1 Cheat.
This is our Clown, Sir.
Sym.
Fye, fye, your Company
Must fall upon him and beat him, he's too fair y'faith
To make the people laugh:
1 Cheat.
Not as he may be drest, Sir.
Sym.
Faith dress him how you will, I'le give him that gift
He will never look half scurvily enough.
Oh the Clowns that I have seen in my time!
The very peeping out of one of them would have made
A young heir laugh, though his Father lay a dying;
A man undone in Law the day before (the saddest case that can be)
Might for his 2d have burst himself with laughing,
And ended all his miseries. Here was a merry world, my Masters!
Some talk of things of State, of puling stuff;
There's nothing in a Play to a Clown,
If he have the grace to hit on it, that's the thing indeed,
The King shews well, but he sets off the King;
But not the King of Kent, I mean not so,
The King is one, I mean, I do not know.
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Your Worship speaks with safety, like a rich man,
And for your finding fault, our hopes are greater,
Neither with him the Clown, nor me the Cheater.
Ex. Players.
Sym.
Away then, shift, Clown, to thy motley Crupper,
We'le see them first, the King shall after supper.
Glo.
I commend your Worships wisdom in that, Mr. Mayor.
Sym.
Nay 'tis a point of Justice, if it be well examined,
Not to offer the King worse then I'le see my self;
For a Play may be dangerous, I have known
A Great man poysoned in a Play.
Glo.
What have you, Mr. Mayor?
Sym.
But to what purpose many times I know not.
Felt.
Methinks they should destroy one another so.
Sym.
Oh no no, he that's poysoned is always made privy to it,
That's one good order they have among them. What joyful throat
Is that, Aminadab? what is the meaning of this cry?
A shout within.
Ami.
The Rebel is taken.
Sym.
Oliver the Puritan?
Ami.
Oliver Puritan and Fustian-Weaver altogether.
Sym.
Fates I thank you for this victorious day,
Bonfires of pease-straw burn, let the Bells ring.
Glo.
There's two in mending, and you know they cannot.
Sym.
'Las the Tenor's broken, ring out the Treble,
Oliver is brought in.
I am overcloy'd with joy; welcome thou Rebel.
Oli.
I scorn thy welcome, I.
Sym.
Art thou yet so stout?
Wilt thou not stoop for grace? then get thee out.
Oli.
I was not born to stoop but to my Loom,
That seiz'd upon, my stooping days are done;
In plain terms, if thou hast any thing to say to me,
Send me away quickly, this is no biding place,
I understand there are Players in thy house,
Dispatch me, I charge thee, in the name of all the Brethren.
Sym.
Nay now proud Rebel, I will make thee stay,
And to thy greater torment see a Play.
Oli.
Oh Devil, I conjure thee by Amsterdam.
Sym.
Our word is past,
Justice may wink a while, but see at last.
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Oli.
Oh that prophane trumpet! oh, oh.
Sym.
Set him down there I charge you Officers.
Oli.
I'le hide my ears and stop my eyes.
Sym.
Down with his golls I charge you.
Oli.
Oh tyranny, tyranny, revenge it tribulation!
For Rebels there are many deaths, but sure the only way
To execute a Puritan is seeing of a Play.
Oh I shall swound!
Sym.
Which if thou dost, to spite thee,
A Players Boy shall bring thee Aqua-vitæ.
Enter 1 Cheater.
Oli.
Oh I'le not swound at all for't, though I dye.
Sym.
Peace, here's a Rascal, list and edifie.
1 Cheat.
I say still he's an Ass that cannot live by his wits.
Sym.
What a bold Rascal's this? he calls us all Asses at first dash,
Sure none of us live by our wits, unless it be Oliver the Puritan.
Ol.
I scorn as much to live by my wits as the proudest of you all.
Sym.
Why then y'are an Ass for company, so hold your prating.
2 Cheat.
Fellow in arms, welcome,
Enter second Cheater.
The News, the News?
Sym.
Fellow in arms, quoth he?
He may well call him fellow in arms.
I am sure th'are both out at the Elbows.
2 Cheat.
Be lively, my heart, be lively, the Booty is at hand,
He's but a fool of a Yeomans eldest Son,
He's ballanc'd on both sides, Bully; he's going to buy houshold-stuff
With one pocket, and to pay rent with the other.
1 Cheat.
And if this be his last day, my Chuck,
He shall forfeit his Lease, quoth the one pocket,
And eat his meat in wooden Platters, quoth the other.
Sym.
Faith then he's not so wise as he ought to be, to let
Such Tatterdemallians get the upper hand of him.
Ent. Clown.
1 Cheat.
He comes.
2 Cheat.
I, but finally to our comfort, with both his hands in
His pockets; how is it possible to pick a Lock, when the Key
Is on the inside of the Door?
Sym.
Oh neighbours here's the part now
That carries away the Play, if the Clown miscarry,
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Clo.
They say there is a foolish kind of thing call'd a Cheater
Abroad, that will gull any Yeomans Son of his purse,
And laugh in his face like an Irishman.
I would fain meet with some of these Creatures,
I am in as good state to be gull'd now as ever I was in my life,
For I have two purses at this time about me, and I would fain be
Acquainted with that Rascal that would take one of them now.
Sym.
Faith thou may'st be acquainted with two or three
That will do their good wills I warrant thee.
1 Cheat.
That way's too plain, too easie I am afraid.
2 Cheat.
Come, Sir, your most familiar Cheats take best,
They shew like natural things and least suspected,
Give me a round shilling quickly.
1 Cheat.
It will fetch
But one of his hands neither, if it take.
2 Cheat.
Thou art too covetous, let's have one out first, prithee,
There's time enough to fetch out th'other after.
Thou liest, 'tis lawful currant money.
They draw.
1 Cheat.
I say 'tis Copper in some Countries.
Clo.
Here is a fray towards,
But I will hold my hands, let who will part them.
2 Cheat.
Copper? I defie thee, and now I shall disprove thee,
Look you, here's an honest Yeomans son of the Country,
A man of Judgement.
Clo.
Pray you be covered, Sir,
I have Eggs in my Cap, and cannot put it off.
2 Cheat.
Will you be tryed by him?
1 Cheat.
I am content, Sir.
Sym.
They look rather as if they would be tryed next Sessions.
1 Cheat.
Pray give your judgement of this piece of Coin, Sir.
Clo.
Nay if it be Coin you strive about,
Let me see it, I love money.
1. Cheat.
Look on it well, Sir.
They pick his pocket.
2 Cheat.
Let him do his worst, Sir.
Clo.
Y'had both need wear cut clothes, y'are so cholerick.
2 Cheat.
Nay rub it and spare not, Sir.
Clo.
Now by this silver, Gentlemen,
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2 Cheat.
We hope well, Sir; th'other pocket
And we are made men.
Exeunt.
Sym.
Oh neighbours, I begin to be sick of this fool,
To see him thus couzen'd, I would make his case my own.
Clo.
Still would I meet with these things call'd Cheaters.
Sym.
A whoreson Coxcomb, they have met with thee,
I can no longer endure him with patience.
Clo.
Oh my rent, my whole years rent!
Sym:
A murrain on you,
This makes us Landlords stay so long for our money.
Clo.
The Cheaters have been here.
Sym.
A scurvey hobby-horse,
That could not leave his money with me, having such a Charge
About him; a pox on thee for an Ass, thou play a Clown?
I will commit thee for offering it; Officers, away with him.
Glo.
What means your Worship? why you'l spoil the Play, Sir.
Sym.
Before the King of Kent shall be thus serv'd,
I'le play the Clown my self, away with him.
Clo.
With me? if it please your Worship, 'twas my part.
Sym.
But 'twas a foolish part as ever thou plaid'st in thy life,
I'le make thee smoak for it, I'le teach thee to understand
To play a Clown, thou shalt know, every man
Is not born to it, away with him quickly,
Exit Clown.
He'le have the other Pocket pickt else, I heard them say it
With my own ears; see he's come in another disguise,
To cheat thee again.
Enter second Cheater.
2 Cheat.
Pish, whither goes he now?
Sym.
Come on, Sir, let us see what your
He throws off his Gown, discovering his doublet with a satten forepart and a Canvas back
Knaveship can do at me now,
You must not think you have a Clown in hand,
The fool I have committed too, for playing the part.
2 Cheat.
What's here to do?
Glo.
Fie, good Sir come away,
Will your Worship base your self to play a Clown?
2 Cheat:
I beseech your Worship let us have our own Clown,
I know not how to go forwards else.
Sym.
Knave, play out thy part with me,
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Why how now, my Masters, who is that laugh'd at me?
Cannot a man of Worship play the Clown a little for his pleasure
But he must be laugh'd at? do you know who I am?
Is the Kings Deputy of no better account among you?
Was I chosen to be laugh'd at? where's my Clerk?
Ami.
Here, if it please your Worship.
Sym.
Take a Note of all those
That laugh at me, that when I have done I may commit them.
Let me see who dare do it now. And now to you once again
Sir Cheater, look you, here are my purse-strings, I do defie thee.
2 Cheat.
Good Sir, tempt me not, my part is so written
That I should cheat your Worship if you were my Father.
Sym.
I should have much joy to have such a Rascal to my Son.
2 Cheat.
Therefore I beseech your Worship pardon me, the part
Has more Knavery in it then when your Worship saw it at first,
I assure you you'l be deceiv'd in it, Sir, the new Additions
Will take any mans purse in Kent or Kirsendome.
Sym.
If thou canst take my purse, I'le give it thee free'y,
And do thy worst, I charge thee; as thou'lt answer it.
2 Cheat.
I shall offend your Worship.
Sym.
Knave, do it quickly.
2 Cheat.
Say you so? then there's for you, and here is for me:
Sym.
Oh bless me, Neighbours, I am in a Fogg,
Throws meal in his face, takes his purse, & Exit.
A Cheaters Fogg, I can see no body.
Glo.
Run, follow him, Officers.
Sym.
Away, let him go,
He will have all your purses, if he come back,
A pox on your new Additions, they spoil all the plays
That ever they come in, the old way had no such roguery in it;
Calls you this a merry Comedy, when a mans eyes are put out in't?
Brother Honey-suckle.
Felt.
What says your sweet Worship.
Sym.
I make you Deputy to rule the Town till I can see again,
Which will be within these nine days at farthest.
Nothing grieves me now, but that I hear Oliver the Rebel
Laugh at me; a pox on your Puritan face, this will make you in
Love with Plays as long as you live,
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Oli.
In sincerity,
I was never better pleas'd at an exercise. Ha, ha, ha.
Sym.
Neighbours, what colour was the dust
The Rascal threw in my face?
Glo.
'Twas meal, if it please your Worship.
Sym.
Meal? I am glad of it,
I'le hang the Miller for selling it.
Glo.
Nay ten to one
The Cheater never bought it, he stole it certainly.
Sym.
Why then I'le hang the Cheater for stealing it,
And the Miller for being out of the way when he did it.
Felt:
I but your Worship was in the fault your self,
You bid him do his worst.
Sym.
His worst? that's true,
But the Rascal hath done his best; for I know not how a Villain
Could put out a mans eyes better, and leave them in his head,
As he has done mine.
Ami.
Where is my Masters Worship?
Sym.
How now Aminadab? I hear thee though I see thee not.
Ami.
You are sure couzened, Sir, they are all professed Cheaters,
They have stoln two silver spoons, and the Clown took his heels
With all celerity; they only take the name of Country-comedians
To abuse simple people with a printed play or two,
Which they bought at Canterbury for six pence,
And what is worse, they speak but
What they list of it, and fribble out the rest.
Sym.
Here's no abuse to the Common-wealth,
If a man could see to look into it,
Enter Hengist.
But mark the Cunning of these cheating slaves,
First they make Justice blind, then play the Knaves.
Heng.
Where's Mr. Mayor?
Glo.
Od's precious Brother, the King of Kent is newly alighted.
Sym.
The King of Kent? where is he,
That I should live to this day,
And yet not live to see to bid him welcome?
Heng.
Where is Symonides, our friendly Host?
Sym.
Ah blind as one that had been fox'd a sevenight.
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Why how now man?
Sym.
Faith practising a Clowns part for your Grace
I have practis'd both my eyes out.
Heng.
What need you practise that?
Sym.
A man is never too old to learn, your Grace will say so,
When you hear the jest of it; the truth is, my Lord, I meant
To have been merry, and now it is my luck to weep
Water and Oatmeal; I shall see again at Supper,
I make no doubt of it.
Enter a Gentleman.
Heng.
This is strange to me, Sirs.
Gent.
Arm, arm, my Lord!
Heng.
What's that?
Gent.
With swiftest speed, if ever you'l behold
The Queen your Daughter alive again.
Heng.
Roxena?
Gent.
They are besieged, Aurelius,
Ambrose, and his Brother Uther,
With numbers infinite of British Forces,
Beset their Castle, and they cannot scape
Without your speedy succour.
Heng.
For her safety I'le forget food and rest: away.
Sym.
I hope your Worship will hear the jest e're you go.
Heng.
The jest! torment me not.
Sym.
I'le follow you to Wales with a Dog and a Bell
But I will tell it you.
Heng.
Unseasonable Folly!
Exit cum suis.
Sym.
'Tis sign of war when great men disagree;
Look to the Rebel well, till I can see,
And when my sight is recover'd, I will have
His eyes pull'd out for a fortnight.
Oli.
My eyes? hang thee,
A deadly sin or two shall pluck them out first,
That is my resolution, Ha, ha, ha.
Exeunt.
| The Mayor of Quinborough | |