University of Virginia Library

Step Right On Up To The Rubber Line, Zonkers

By MICHAEL CASCIO

For students, life school-begins
in the fall September. So
does everything else the arts,
football, acorn collecting, fashion,
pennant races, election campaigns,
you name it (well, almost let's not
carry this too far).

And this particular
September 1971 was an
extremely heavy month, overweight
with frighteningly Important
Events. Insecure persons of an
indefinite nature, which may or
may not include me, felt it the
most. I was alarmed by the sight of
history rapidly unfolding before my
watery, bay fever eyes.

My aching consciousness yearns
for October, even Halloween. Why,
why? Let us retreat in time......

As you recall, it was a pleasantly
crummy August, pretty much a
month of waste. But there were
September signs. Oh there were
signs like the Kennedy Center.
And something about Leonard
Bernstein saying Mass. "No, I'll wait
for the movie." I joked, turning
down an offer for advance tickets.
No BFD, I thought the Kennedy
Center will open and that will be
that no fanfare, just a nice, gaudy
place for performers and
performances.

Broken Arm

Another sign: Jeane Dixon was
right for the first time in eight
years—predicting President
Kennedy's assassination and, now
Sonny Jurgensen's broken arm. I
shrugged off the possible
consequences of such
foreshadowing circumstances.
(Non-Washingtonians may become
a bit bewildered by all this. Tough.)
Into September I stumbled.

I made the mistake of
conscientiously reading/watching/,
listening to the press/TV/radio. Tiny
media began to gnaw at my
confidence. Holy Communion! The
Kennedy Center has not one, but
nearly a half-dozen opening nights
and Lenny Bernstein throws kisses
and the audience cries with
delirium (Miss America, coming
right up) and Nixon doesn't make
the Grand Opening because he (the
humble man) doesn't want to steal
the show from the Kennedys and
neither does Jackie (apparently
Nixon thought he could) and the
restaurant is named (Tom Wolfe
would have a field day) "i.e Grand
Scene" (honest) and even next
Kennedy C production is a
success....

Crippled by MS (media-shock), I
find my self shaken slightly by these
flying bits of the Real World.
Questions begin brewing, but they
simmer. It was time to pack for
school, only a-slight diversion.

What would be next? China? Two
Chinas? My Lai? "Me lie" Medina?

No, it was Law and Order, our
old friend the Social Issue. Refusing
to work through I.c Grand System,
short-haired, adult demonstrators
were protesting the
busing-of-school-children-to-achieve-racial-balance.

Too bad. I thought, watching the
tube (with beer in hand), they're so
frustrated, knocking over buses
and all, but why must they resort
to violence? Breaking the law,
violence, solves nothing, why. I
agree with your principles but not
with your tactics, Dad, you see......

While I was watching a
"Mannix" rerun, millions were
gawking at TV's most important
event since Nixon's used-freezer
speech. In Atlantic Cit, Miss
Living Cliche America was crowned
(nameless viewers report), and Bert
Parks sang the song, and the most
astoundingly dumb, clean-cut Miss
America in captivity wept and leapt
her way down the TV smile-aisle.

Sooooo Nice

Several days later, a guest
appearance by Miss A on the
"Tonight Show" confirmed initial
reports—the Ohio Miss never ever
thought the would become Miss
America but it was her biggest
dream and highest honor (she had
tried to be Miss O once before), and
Bert Parks was sooooo nice to us,
and, why, it's only a minority of
kids who are protesting the war and
things like that. Lovely.

Even the sub "Tonight" host
was a tile skeptical at this, sensing
something was amiss with our Miss.
when Miss A completely missed the
dull points of all his jokes. Football
star Alex Kartas, a smirking guest
on the same show, was cut from the
Detroit Lions the next day. Miss
America means business.....

Meanwhile, prisoners in Attica
trapped x amount of hostages,
among them Governor Rockefeller,
who was man enough to let them
all die rather than talk things over. I
dig Rocky a man who means what
he says, oh, what? The ominous
crescendo taxed my eardrums (10
per cent of all foreign sounds).

The September conspiracy made
its way to the comic pages. Joe
Cool challenged "Doonesbury" for
the EMOC (Everyman On Campus)
title, and all the serious strips
reached dramatic climax within
days of each other. (Rex Morgan
and his partner discover that Heidi
is a lying nymphomaniac, Mary
Worth butts in again. Oley Olson
makes it with Bitsy, etc.) New
records reflected the madness. The
Beach Boys' new album is entitled
(gulp) "Surf's Up." And the new
Fireside Theatre methodical
cacophony leaves me gasping
helplessly, Go ahead, squeeze the
wheeze.....

The next victims were Justices
Hugo Black and John Hadan.
Nothing funny here, mind you,
except possibly the racist bozos
Nixon will probably nominate to
replace them. Luckily, we've got
Senate-power, Haynsworth,
Carswell, to keep a watchful
eye. Well, on second thought, don't
count on it, or anything....

'Heartbreaking'

The Redskins won the openers
without Jurgensen, and the Senate
won first-round picks in the college
draft (I told you not to count on
it), while the draft hill is brought
out in the open and ex-Wahoo Sen.
John Stennis whips it out on the
floor, and when? No deadline was
set again for U.S. troop
withdrawal, ex-Wahoo Sen. Ted
Kennedy votes for it, and an added
bonus is thrown in, I hate to tell
you this, kids, but college
determents are guess what?
"heartbreaking," sez the Prez about
the Senators.....oh, those
Senators....,where?

I broke into asthmatic sneezes.
Not even the President, Congress,
and a vacancy on the Supreme
Court could keep baseball in
Washington Who, who (except
Ralph Nader, of course) has power
anymore?

September Conspiracy

We get the memorial John F.
Kennedy Center, and Dullas
(remember Dullas?) takes symbolic
reverent and the Washington
Senators), leaving the Nation's
Capital in shock and disbelief again,
without a Supreme Court, and
without a baseball team to play in
Kennedy Stadium.

Sounds like a Robert Short
trade, conspiratorial and ironic: the
Redskins. Jeane Dixon, and the
Kennedys Center, Stadium, and
wavering Senator for (altogether
now) the commies, the court,
collegiates, the Senate, the
Senators, and Sonny Jurgensen.
Somewhere a September conspiracy
lurks.....

A huge Conspiracy of History
has foiled us in September, 1971.
purposely and secretly linking
unrelated events in order to distort
completely our picture tube on the
world.

As for October, it's back to the
shadows again.