University of Virginia Library

SCENE III.

Enter Wishing-Chair and Jeffry.
Wish.

And how, and how, do things and things fit? does
she melt like Snow in his arms? and make the Rogue think,
there's Fire in his bosom—does the little Vermine twine about
him like a tame Snake? and make her tongue seem
forked with swift motion.

Jeffry.

Why, all these questions Friend, and ask'd with
such envious curiosity, because you made the first discovery,
you thought, the Natives would truck with no other.—Y'are
out; you only touch'd upon the Coast, he has sail'd up the
River; discovered the In-land,—planted a Colony; and
settl'd the Trade of Furs.—

Wish.

Oh Rogue! 'tis a dainty spot of Ground, Woods,
Rivers, Mountains, over which is plac'd a Sky always serene
and clear.

Well the Dog has his day.

Jeffry.
—Ay and He'l not lose a minuit of it.

Wish.

I shall ne'r forget, the pretty skittish thing did so
snach away my kisses, and throw them back again with such
a furious kind Scorn.—Pray let me go now, won't you? and
then imbrac'd me so fiercely, as if she had wish'd, the Divel
take me if I did.—Ah! she pressed, like fresh Curds newly
put into the Cheese-frame.—Oh Jeffry! Jeffry!

Jeffry.

Oh Friend! Friend! you have had your time,
and must now live upon your Alforges; like a great Monkey
chew the Cud, for you must be a clean Beast in spight of
your teeth, I over-heard the Puissant Princess make dangerous
resolves against your dear life. Prince Phillip will be at
your Anchovies, i'faith, Bruin thinks fit that you repair to
our Pallace the new Musick-house, you know where, for
your Worships safely,—and to incourage you, heark ye—
I am sent for two fresh Frollicks, the two elder Sisters.

Wish.

Art thou so?—enough—I am for the Straights.

Enter Gammer Readstreak.
Jeffry.

Hold, hold, here's a Packing-penny, she comes to
wish for a Famine, that Corn may sell dear.

Wish.

Or a soul disease on those that Robb'd her Henroost,
Pox upon her brown Bread Phisuomie,—lets go.

Jeffry.

Not a foot Sir till this old Jade's curry'd; y' are
bound by Oath to refuse none.—

Wish.

Pri'thee Jeffry be favourable, dispence.

Jeffry.

On, on, Sir will you perform, or shall I complain;
remember.

Wee'l dry up your tears, and ease all your Care,
With delicate thing call'd a new wishing Chair.

Let the good Woman be satisfied; now will I go find her
Husband, and send him hither immediatly, dear mischief how
I love thee.

Exit Jeffry.

Red.

Ah blessing on his good heart, he speaks most Serene
and clear, he's a very notable Man I'le warrant you;—and
whoever says Gammar Redstreak hath no Judgement. Hy hee
and for all your whim whams, they prate and prate, but give
me something, has some savour; and say, and hold, Gadslidikins,
I'le not be trampl'd on by the Proudest.—I have
known the time when my penny was as White, and round,
as the best fiddle faddle of them all; Oh the tumbling, and
rumbling there was then, I'le warrant you my Linnen was so
touzl'd, and mouzl'd, t'wou'd do ones heart good to see't.
But now like and old crack'd Groat, whose stamp's worn out;
none will take me, they say I am not current.—But I'le fit
'em, for I'le wish my self a Queen, and this House full of
Money in my Pocket.

Wish.

And the Devil in thy Chattering Chops.

Red.

Ay, your worships: and a new Husband every time
I change my Apron.—

Wish.

And a new Disease ev'ry time thou tun'st thy Clack.

Enter Jeffry and Costard observing them.
Jeffry.

See how close they are, an honest Man, and an
Headborough Cost: Oh Trumpet, Oh Hilding, I have been
her true and natural Husband any time this twenty Year, up
zitting and down-lying.

Ah how she bumbast him, out thou Carrion!—

Red.

Show your favour Sir, and when I am a Queen you
shall be my head Hind.

Wish.

Some kind mischief deliver me, from this she Dragon.

Red.

I shall make rare a Queen, and bring good houswifry
into fashion; for I'le make all the Masques, and Chorus's, and
Simphonies my self, With a Fiddle Faddle, hey down diddle,
faith let's be merry.

Cost.

How Pestilent Jocund the lown is; well, my heart
leaps against my teeth, like a Rat against the Wyers of a
Trap.—I'le be with thee in the twinckling of a Cabbage,
I'le scoure thy Crab-lanthorn with a witness, look to't, I'le
swing thy Croudledum, I will.—

Jeffry.

Dispatch then, for the Show will be past else; I would
fain get the Rogue some soure sawe to his sweet bit.

Cost.

Ah! how she sneers like a Mare that has spy'd her stray
Coult.—do, do, Ring all in, chill Ring noon about thy Pate
presently.

Exit Costard.

Jeffry.

So the dull Larrum's wound up, I would fain stay
to hear it clatter; but I must seek Sweettlips and Wondhamore.

Exit Jeffry.

Wish.

Well I am mollifi'd, thou shalt see the Show; the
Woman is decent, cleanly, and sound I'le Warrant; hang't,
we must not always expect Beautious Women; stay here a
little, thou pritty Rogue; I begin to have a mind to her;—
ha, old True penny.

Exit Wish.

Red.

Now for me, I'le be a Queen or a Lady at least; and
King Andrew's Three Daughters shall be my Maids, and I'le

have a high Seat in the Church, and the Chaplain shall pray
for his virtuous Patrons.—Then I'le have the head-ach, and
be very sick, that I may receive Visits in my Bed, Oh! there's
no way like it to draw on Sutors; they know a poor weak
Woman that lyes there on purpose, has no power to deny.—
One that I know, drest her self in six several dresses to catch
her Sweet-heart, but nothing pleas'd her; I'le warrant you
'till she fucust her face, blanch'd her hands, put on a rich suit
of Night Linnen, and went to Bed; where she lay like a
Queen Apple upon a Tod of Wool, and the Patches look'd
for all the World like Birds pecks, which show the Fruit is
Rotten-ripe; and what do'e think the Whore-Son snuffed
up his Nose, and cry'd he did not love brown crust in Milk;
a proud Jack, I'le make a Law, that every man shall be hang'd
that refuseth a Woman; ay and 'tis high time, for we have
been even so kind to 'm, that they use us as they do Rackets
at Tennis, when they have exercised their Bodies; and
thump'd their Balls,—dress, and away; but my Lady
Redstreak, won't be serv'd so ifaith.—After Dinner the
Steward shall set things right with me in my Closet, and the
Gentleman of the Horse, or some spruce fellow shall Fiddle
me a sleep. Oh Redstreak, didst thou ever think to come to
this. But if this should be a lye, now I'm bravely served.—

The wishing Chair is discover'd.

Oh there's the Chair, I cannot hold 'till the Gentleman
comes.—Oh a Queen, a Queen and 80 Husbands, and this
House full of Money, O lo, O lo, whither am I going?

The Chair sinks with her,—and Costard enters ridiculously Arm'd.
Cost.

Whaur, whaur, whaur.—Ha gwon, shark'd away,
Oh mischief, Oh Costard, Oh Cuckold—budding, budding.
I feel 'em budding.—Oh Beast, I'le kill thee with my horns;
a Cuckold in my old days, I'le draw thy Colts Tooth with a
vengeance.

Exit Costard, and Enter wishing Chair, and Redstreak.
Red.

A thousand thanks to your worship, I have not seen
so fine a Show this seven years.—

Wish.

A tough carrion, she draws like a Whirl-pool, and
would kill a Man as easily as a Cat sucks the breath of a Child:
Go thy ways old Mumpsimus, the mark's in thy mouth still.

Enter Castard.
Cost.

Now, Courage, for the Blood of the Costards, Ile
mow them off both in the middle, so swiftly that they shall
stand still, and never think th'are dead.

Wish.

No, no more at this time, I thank your Queen-ship.

Cost.

Ah umh! she clings like a rotten Egg to a Pillory;
yes pray do, and I'le watch the grins like the head of a
dead Horse, Scoundrel, snarle-chops, Beezom-Beard, come
out, come out, if thou darest.—O Laud!

Red.

I'm undone, as a man would undo an Oyster, my
natural good man is here, and there's Murder in his looks.

Wish.

What art thou? what dost stare at? wilt fight, ha?

Cost.

Pranter aye 'Pranter, no my tongue's my own, and
God save the King's no Treason, my Blood's up, and I'le
wish: what wilt thou do?—who wouldst fight with?

Cost.

Zate there cham as cunning's the Devil, and won't
tell Wish: Dam ye for a beetle-headed Dog.

Costard runs out.
Cost.

Oh Sir! Sir! Sir!

Red.

Oh good Sir! Wishing-Chair sit down, for I know
he'l come again, and if I don't put this out of his head, he
won't leave a whole bone in my skin.—

The Chair claps down, Redstreak sits in it, and Costard returns.
Red.

And I wish, and I wish, that my dear Husband
Costard.

Cost.

How! wishing in the Chair for me? odz pretious, if
this been't a good Woman, the Devil's a Hog.—

Red.

I wish, that my good Husband Costard were married
to King Andrews eldest Daughter, though I were dead and
rotten, I should rejoyce for't a thousand year hence, if I
could remember't.

Cost.

Poor Redstreak, my own true Spouse,—'twere
better I were hang'd, then thee wert dead: what a villanous
Beast was I to think ill of her? no, thee art my Princess, and
I had rather lose the best Horse in my Team, then lose my
Wife.—

Red.
Ay that thou hadst all I dare swear.

Cost.

No zately, these two of them cost me zeaven and
twenty Shillings a piece, but prythee Redstreak let me wish
for thee now, and requite thee in thy own Coyn.—a woundy
fine Chair.—a Wishing-Chair do'e call it, Laud to see the
When he tryes to sit, the Chair moves, and he falls down.
Art of man by your leave
Odzvish, and eeles, what
has it no Bottom?—yes it has, why what a muxon did I
vall through the Chair, or the Chair through me, let me zee;
The Chair strikes him a blow on the ear.
zoo cham in now, and I wish, and I wish,
What's that vor Redstreak? ha is't no
more then a word and a blow,—what a Vengeance!

Red.

Laud Husband I did n't touch you.—

Cost.

Wilt a lye to come o'this side,—so now I wish, and
I wish.— The Chair strikes him on tother side.
What a pox
ayles the Woman-bones? O'me, wouldst be leather'd ha?

Red.

Truly Husband I never touch'd you.

Cost.

Never touch'd me, why thou Whore-Son Scab?
come and stand before, and look me in the face.—So now
I wish, and I wish. The Chair picks his Pocket.
Bones O
me, Wife! there's a live thing in my Pocket,—why Woman

all my money's vanished.

Red.

That can't be man, vor there's no kirsen Soul here
but thee and I;—but if it be gwon, sit thee down, and wish
for me.

Cost.

Stand thee behind the Chair then, and zee that nothing
molest me.—And I wish, and I wish,—Oh lo, and I wish
that—Oh! I will have my wish in spight of the Devil, and
I wish—Oh Bones! O me! Oh gogs nouns thou drab!
she has run a rifle into my Posterity, but chill pay thee vor't
with a witness.

She pushes him into the Chair, who holds him fast, while both beat him.
Red.

Out thou Carl, thou Beast to use a Woman so, the
Wrong-way, Dunder-nose, Dog-bolt, Limber-twist, I'le
teach thee to spoile a Woman.

Cost.

Oh Murther! Fellony, Salt and Batter, the Devil
and the Witch will murther me.

Enter Princess, Nicklas and Phillip.
Phil.

Now Nick for the honour of Knight-hood let's
stand to our Pan-puddings, here's the white Bear, and the
Wishing-Chair: have at'em by guess.

Nick.

Oh Nonsy Lady mine! inspire my Arm with Knightly
prowess to fight this dreadful Battel. This trenchant Blade
I draw, and now have at all.

Red.

O mercy! mercy! passion o'me, their naked Tucks
upon a Woman.

The Chair and Costard sink the Princess, cut off Redstreaks head, clap it on a Sword, and go off singing.
Good Christians Rejoyce,
With glad heart, and with Voice:
The white Bear is dead,
And here is his head.