University of Virginia Library

Act. IV.

Scæn. 1.

Enter Dove & Falconer.
Dove.
Fortune and Love befriend me; my old Master
By this hath left half of his way behind him;
And though I am stil doing, my successe
Doth call me idle, my young wandring Squire
Lay not at home to night, and hereabouts
Should be the place they supt at, if my draper
Be not deceiv'd in his intelligence;
Ent. Falc.
But soft? who have we here? the Falcner, nay
Slink not away good Richard, here are none
But friends and fellow servants; why dost look
About thee so, doth any man pursue thee?

Falc.
No, no, but who had thought to meet thee here?

Dove:
Not thee I dare to swear, but tell me how
Our Master does, and his refinde seducer;
Does his new upper weed become him trimly?

Falc.
Does he speak out of knowledge, or by chance?
'Faith Tom my Master's well, exceeding well,
Looks and lives like himself, that's like an heir
Deliver'd from tuition; but what means
Your riddle of new weeds, and trim seducers?

Dove.
Would neither thou nor I knew what it meant.
But I will pose you with more riddles yet;
Are there not certain femal ghosts do walk
This quarter, silken some, and some of stuffe;
Some single, some in couples, and some squir'd,
But above all, is not the house you supt at
Fearfully haunted? are these riddles too?

Falc.
'Tis well we left the Countrey; sure they do
Begin to studie witchcraft here of late:
Art thou awake? or dost thou dream of ghosts?
I dare to swear here's greater store of flesh
Then spirit, but if any such there be;
Thou art a huntsman, take but a little pains
If that they crosse this quarter, thou maist prick um.

Dove.
I do not mean to hunt them to the buttock;
But tell me truly, what severe occasions
Calls thee abroad out of thy nest so early?

Falc.
I had as good confesse, he knows already:
The truth is, Tom, my Master's to be married,
I now go for a Priest to do the feat.

Dove.
How? married? and you go for the Vicar
Of hel to join em for there the match was made:
If thou wast one bore witnesse to the contract,
Now in the name of all the Furies, tell me
What's she must be my Masters Succuba.

Falc.
I was not much mistaken, I did think
He was a Witch, he proves a Coniurer.
I'le shew thee what she is, by shewing what
We are, that is to say, her servant's servants;
There's a Court riddle Sir for you to pick;
She's one that's taken with my Master's wit,
As he is taken with her chastitie:
A fine young thing, that newly puts out rewen,
Such excellent game, that mighty love would change
Himself into Merlin to enjoy her.

Dove.
Do not thou talk of game, when I'me in earnest,
And be thou honest, else the gallows shall
Make a short end of all thy knaverie,
For stealing of the Farmer's nag: by whom
(Speak truth upon thy peril) was my Master
So suddenly inveigled to his ruine.

Falc.
Fear prompts me to speak truth against my nature:
Now as I live Tom, l'le not lye; there dwells
Within that house, a prettie handsome Tit,
Whom our wise Master fain would he withall;
He's very hot upon the spur, but she
Being instructed by her cunning Aunt.
Thanks him, and takes him up again at pleasure.
Somthing she gives him leave to do, but not
What most he would; and so at once she does
Inflame his sharp desires and tame them, briefly,
She vows he nere shall ly with her, before
He marries her, which he resolves to do.

Dove.
But I do mean to crosse his resolution;
Your task must be for to forget your errand,
See him no more till noon, at your return
Any excuse will serve, and so farewell
Exit Falc.
I shall not need your aid to my designs,
I never shall be able to redeem him
By my own power, I must require my master
And fellow servant Friendly to assist me.
Nor dare I trust this villain, here's a toy
In town to seek him, with a barn to boot;
I will direct her to him, she shall call
His arrant rogueship 'fore a man of worship,
And there with open mouth cry out for marriage;
Where he shalt take his choice, whether he'le go
To Church or Prison, for he'le nere be able
To purchase bayle for keeping of the child,
So there is one impediment dispatcht;
Yet I forget the aid I promis'd to
The Draper in his suit unto Elisa,
Who with his painted mole by this is acting
Her servant Friendly, whom I said was travail'd.
In which disguise he thinks to win her too;
But I must now deprive the Blackamore
Of all this mirth, in seeing of his shape
Usurp't; while he stands mute to hear another
Courting his dearest Mistress in his name.
But why do I thus talk away the day,
When I should do? lest time be vainly spent,
To redresse ills which care might once prevent.

Exit.
Enter Crab, Lydia, Cunningmonger, Goodwit, and Hog.
Crab.
Come Lydia, now the time draws nigh, when we
With worthies male and female shall enrich
The needy world; this morn I sent unto
A cunning man to learn the fittest time
For to engender Wits in, he replyes,
This night 'twixt twelve and one, do not omit
Thy nuptial duties, the starres counsel it;
If that thou wilt beget a wit transcendent,
This night is Hermes lord of the Ascendent;
Well soon I mean for to invite the wits,
Or as thou call'st them Frank, Deipnosophists,
Unto my bridal supper; where I will
Have nothing but braines diversly cook't
Of birds, beasts, fishes, tith-pigs, and woodcocks;
Our drink shall be brisk claret, for to refine
The Infant's sparkling Ingenie! but now
Where shall we finde a cook of wit? that has
Not had his education in the kitchin,
Whose brain's not overcast, with mistie clouds
Arising from the stream of grosser meats.

Cun.
I'le be your cook Sir, and though I do say't,
I have as good a wit of a grosse body,
As any woman ever need to boast of.

Good.
Never take care for choosing of your cook,
The very dressing of the braines will make him wittie.

Hog.
Take you no thought for cook, or cheer, leave these
To mine and my old Master's care; you now
Must feast upon your sweet delicious wife,
She will be meat and med'cine to you, for her sight
Alone, the shaking ague will affright;
And soon at night, if you do not awry go,
She'le ease you suddenly of the Tentigo,
Yea before Galen, she will cure the feaver
With her down belly, and her thighes of bever.

Crab.
How? bever dost thou call them: I am sure
That they were Felt last night; but do you hear?
Do not you call my Lydia my wife,
It is a name, the countrey people use.
Nor shall she call me husband, therefore Frank,
Prethee devise some fine Poetick names,
To dart at one another before strangers.

Good.
What do you think, if you were call'd the Seal,
And she your wax? on whom in every kisse
You thus may seal the image of your love.

kis. her
Lyd.
Pray heaven I may wax worthy of his love
But trust me Sir, you do me injurie,
To think his love hath made so slight impression
Within my breast, that it may be defac't,
Like to a fading image made in wax.

Goodw.
How think you Ladie then, if you were called
His Cynosure, the saylers starres by which
They finde their way thorough the pathless seas;
By this they frame their course, you Sir must be
The Pilot, which does steer by her blest light
Alone, unto the haven of your blisse:
Or if you will be an Astronomer,
In every kiss thus you may take her height.

Kisses her.
Crab.
Me thinks this Cynosure's a pretty name,
I prethee tell me what it signifies.

Goodw.
It signifies properly the dogs taile.

Crab.
Ha, ha, ha; 'tis the best jest was ever heard or read of.

Good.
'Tis a good jest indeed can raise such mirth;
But my wit's hood winkt, for I cannot finde it:
I pray Sir tell us where the jest does lye.

Crab.
Where it does ly? is it not evident,
That thou didst kiss the dog's tail, I shall nere
Love her again 'till thou hast chang'd her name.

Good.
You lik't this well untill you understood it;
That you may learn from hence how happy 'tis
Sometimes for to be ignorant; what then
If she were call'd your Touchstone you her straw,
For as the Touchstone doth examine metals,
So will she prove what metal you are made of;
And as the straw doth to the Touchstone skip,
So thus must you skip nimbly to her lip;
Kisses her
Thus must you cling in every kisse you give her:
But above all the name of Lydia move me,
'Cause Lapis Lydius signifies a Touchstone.

Crab.
I like your reasons well, but not so well
Your often kissing, therefore hence, forbear.

Good.
Touchstones the oftner rub'd, do draw the better.

Crab.
Fairly put off, well, so it is decreed;
A Parliament of wits could not devise
More fitting names confirm'd with greater reasons.

Sings.

To day the Priest shall make't a law,
That I shall be thy onely straw,
The virtue of whose Kiss shall draw,
Besides my self no other straw.

Lyd.
Sings
The Touchstone's black and so am I;
The Touchstone's hard, and so not I;
The Touchstone doth the metal try,
And as the Touchstone so will I.

Hog
Sings.
As soon in straw is kindled fire,
So you inflamed with desire;
Yellow's the straw, yet I suppose,
That you will ne're wear yellow hose.

Cun.
I have no voice to sing, yet I will say
That this is Straw's and Touchstone's bridal day.

Goodw.
Sure Hermes now is climbing to his height,
Who doth inspire your wits to versifie;
I would the Priest were come, for any time
This day will serve to do the trick you talk't on?

Crab.
I, to get Wits, and I do mean to call
All my boyes Strawes, and all my wenches Touchstones.

Enter Dove and Friendly.
Dove.
Master, heaven give you joy, fame sings that you
Are towards a wife, and I have brought a Priest—

Good.
Your office bids you welcome, so are you.

Fr.
I thank my office then, let him thank you.
But know Sir, that I am no Priest, but servant
Vnto a sister of this Gentleman's;
She's now in town, and doth by me invite him
This day to dine with her at her own lodging.

Crab.
I prethee tell her she shall dine with me;
She shall have gloves to boot, and you, and you:
And now I think on't, she and my cousin Win
Shall be my bride-maids, prethee tell um so.

Fr.
First I must tell you, that I do not mean
To make a fruitlesse errand; my adventure
Is to redeem you from these Harpies clawes.

Good.
Prethee how many Harpies are there here?

Friend.
E'ne a full mess, of every sex a pair.

Good.
Peace, or I'le teach your Gipsie-ship some manners.

Dove.
Would you would teach your self some honesty;
Vncloud your brow Sir, for 'tis not a frown
Can fright us from our purpose; therefore Sir,
Resolve to leave this shop of sin and shame,
This furnisht ware house of Iniquity.

Crab.
Honest Tom Huntsman, have but patience.

Lyd.
Is this a Huntsman Sir? now out upon him.
He smells most vilely of the kennel; such a one
As this same fellow is, and sixteen couple,
Did eat my father quite out of the countrey.

Dov.
'Tis cheaper keeping a whole hoast of dogs,
Then one such costly fizling hound as you.

Cun.
Now out upon thee naughty man, prophane
Dog-driver, call heaven's creatures fizling hounds?

Dov.
And salt Bitch too, for such are she & thou.

Good.
This idle rogue would fain be beaten sure.

Enter two Serjeants.
Dov.
I would indeed, 'tis one part of my business.

Hog.
You shall not go without your errand then.

1. Serj.
Hold friends, as you are men, this open house
Promist the ending of some feast, but wee
Are come to the beginning of a fray.

Dov.
About your business friend, that is the man.

2. Serj.
Sir, the King greets you well.

Good.
I'me glad he's well.

Cun.
Ye are two paltry knaves, thus to intrude
Into a private house; good Gentlemen,
Free a poor widows house from these vile catch-poles.

Dove.
Away Sir, we will free't from honest men.

Exeunt Dove, Friendly, Crab.
Good.
Vnhand me Sirs, I mean to put in bail.

1. Serj.
Discharge the debt Sir, that's your only bail.

Cun.
Why what's the debt? here's one will see you paid;
Oh me! he's gon, but I will follow him.

Exit.
Good.
I prethee Hog assist me 'gainst these villains.

Hog.
Loose him, or else by Termagaunt I will.

2. Serj.
Will ye be pork or bacon, I'le provide
A feast for Pluto; hence, unlesse you mean
The Furies shall make Puddings of your guts.

Lyd.
Good friends do not abuse the Gentleman.

1. Serg.
We'le not abuse him chicken, for thy sake
We'le see him where he shall be safe enough.

Hog.
Come Mrs. Lyddi, let us in, you see
It is not in our power for to help him.

Good.
Let your unmanner'd gripe unseize my shoulder,
Or I will rime your heads into a nooze,
As Hipponax did Bupalus, or buskin'd
Archilocus Lycambe, I will rogues.

2. Serj.
That's a good jest I swear, I'de fain see that;
This fellow's sure in a Poetick rage.

Good.
Or if your fears make you decline the rope,
I'le brand your name with profound infamie.

1. Serj.
Profound infamie? what a fine word's that;

Go.
D'ye grin ye dog? would I were loose again.

2. Serj.
No sir, the dog's name's holdfast, that you'le finde.

Ent. Cunnimonger.
Cun.
Kickt, beaten, cheated of my guest? was ere
Poor woman thus abus'd; but which is worse,
My silly Neece fondly restor'd the bag
Of which she once was Lady Treasurer.

Good.
This is ill newes, my hopes lay in that bag;
Sweet Mistress lend me for an hour or two
The seasonable price of my releasement,
You know my friend will faithfully repay't.

Cun.
Alas good Sir, what would you have me do?
You know how poor and nakedly we live,
All I can lend's my pity and my prayers.

Good.
Thy pity proves me wretched, and thy prayers
Do make me hopeless, for they'l nere be heard.
Keep your devotion till your Carting, Madam,
And leave me to the mercy of these fiends.

Cun.
Sweet man, I have no power to part from him.

Goo.
Then stay there still, my kind affliction.

1. Serj.
Come Sir, you see your hopes, please you walk?

Good.
Yes, lead me on unto my Purgatory;
Yet stay a while and hear a word of reason.

2. Serj.
Let it be brief reason then, very brief.

Good.
'Tis only this, I know by circumstance,
You are employ'd by draper Whittington.

1. Serj.
'Tis very true, if this be all, let's walk.

Good.
The debt which you arrest me for is owing
For this same cloak I wear, the debt is young,
This the first day of wearing; give you him
His cloak again, and me my liberty.

2. Serj.
He did give us no such commission sir,
Yet what lyes in our power we will befriend you,
We'le place you where he shall be sure to finde you;
That if his pleasure be to visit you,
You may your self deliver the condition.

Good.
If this be all your kindness, march away;
Farewell old noble true-penny, farewell.

Cun.
Farewell sweet man, I cannot chuse but weep.

Good.
Now I am yours, yet still my mind is free,
To triumph over Fortunes injury.

Exeunt.
Enter Friendly, Elisa, Dove.
Friend.
Believ't, 'twas no small task to get him off.

Elis.
Where have you dispos'd of him in love's name?

Friend.
Where he must learn loves lesson, with my sister.

Elis.
I hope that he will learn by her example:
But what's the reason Dove, you did warn me
Of my new suiter, whom you sent, who does
With confidence usurp my Friendly's name;
And why did you direct him to a Painter,
Who trimly made his mole on the wrong side?

Dov.
Only sweet Mistress, for to make you merry.

Elis.
Thou didst not miss thy ayme, for I did laugh
To see my fruitlesse labours. When I could
By no means make him think he was not Friendly,
But when I call'd for water, for to prove
Whether he would endure the test; Lord how
The Gallant chaf't. But yet my Cousin Win
Thought all this while I did but counterfeit,
Untill she saw a just disdain possesse
My brow. Then she indeed began to blame
My unkind entertainment of a stranger.
To her I left him then to make amends,
For that wherein my rudenesse did offend;
And if I am not in loves art mistaken.
(As sure I am not) my sweet Coze is taken.

Dove.
May heaven say amen unto your guess,
Then am I master of my ends: for he
Is rich and thrifty, and I yet may live
To see my Mrs. Win my Lady Mayoresse.

Friend.
Faith I do long to see how much he's like me.

Elis.
Indeed 'tis pity forto interrupt em.
Did you not say you knew my other suter?

Friend.
Hang him a slave, which rents his hackney chin
To city falling-stars, and toothlesse madams.
But I will sowce him for his sawcinesse.

Elis.
He is more sawcy yet then you doe think;
Now I receiv'd this Letter, pray you read it.

Friend. reads it.
Fr.
I am not ignorant how well you love me;
And Lovers know what Lovers most desire.
I hear your Vncle's not in town. I leav't
Vnto your wit for to beguile your Cousin,
And meet me soon at Mrs. Cunnimongers.
Il'e read no more! monster of goatish boldness;
May he first twine with Scorpions. For love's sake
Tell me of what complexion are my hose?

Elis.
I'me jealous of my self, although not guilty
Of word or look, which carried lesse then scorn.

Dove.
Il'e solve this riddle. But this very morning
I met him here, enquir'd how well you liked
His Blackamore. I did reply the truth,
And added this which I did think was true,
(And which no doubt's the cause of his presumption)
That you did love him better for his gift.

Elis.
You should have said that I did hate him lesse.
But now I hate him most, who thinks me false.

Dove.
The carriage of this businesse leave to me,
Il'e fit him with another bed fellow,
Onely lend me your name to bring him on.

Elis.
Be sure my honour do not suffer in't.

Dove.
'Tis in your power to secure your honour.
What fitter time then this to tie that knot,
Which onely fate is able to untie?
Your Vncle's absent, and your Neece employ'd;
Let this hour execute the heavens decree,
And the Priest joyn their hands whose hearts agree.

Friend.
I dare not to dissent from his advice,
Seeing time it self doth seem to counsell us.

Elis.
Thy goodnesse (Friendly) won me, let thy virtues
Guide me, for them I ever will obey.

Dove.
be speedy then, for time makes no delay.

Exeunt.
Enter Phillis and Crab.
Crab.
Hard hearted Tigre, unkind Adamant.

Phil.
You are mistaken sir, my name is Phillis.

Crab.
O thou hast kill'd me with thy cruelty.

Phil.
Have dead men learn't to walk and talk again?
Trust me, I nere saw ghost yet better fed.

Crab.
'Tis true, I live, but yet a dying life.

Phil.
Leave your book wooing sir, you doe not doe
It handsomly. If you will love by art,
Your careless habit must proclaim your passion;
Your hat without a band, Garters unti'd,
Your trayling Cloke, dejected look, cross armes,
Should be dumb arguments of your affection.

Crab.
If this be all, I'le quickly prove I love.
Hat be no more acquainted with a band,
Garters be never ti'd again, and thou
My carelesse Cloke be witnesse of my woe,
While thus I look, and thus I crosse my armes.

Phil.
Next you should sing loves power, and your misfortune,
Which lord it o're you in a dismal ditty.

Crab.
I'le sing no song but this. Phillida flouts me:
Yet now I think on't, summer last, when first
I saw you. I compil'd this sugred sonnet
He Sings.

Phil sings
Phil.
But Philliday was all to coy
For Harpatus to win,
For Corin was her onely joy.

Crab.
Prethe sweet heart, let me be Corin then.

Phil.
Sir, I will not requite your love with scorn.
Your love hath purchas'd mine, on this condition,
I must command your house. Welcome my friends,
Keep shocks, and monkeys, parats, parakitoes.
And all things else I like for my delight.
Wear clothes befitting your estate, my birth,
You shall keep what retinue I think fit,
What horses, coaches, litters; and what not?
And when I please you must be lorded too.

Crab.
I will be any thing which thou wilt have me.

Phil.
You shall be nothing then, which not becomes you;
I know lords not so rich, nor half so wise.

Crab.
Touchstone farewel, thy Straw bids thee adieu.

Ent. Dove singing.
Dove
sings.
Come, come away, to the Temple I say,
And celebrate this Wedding day.
Your sister, master, and your brother, mistress
This day are to be married, and expect
Your company to grate the Nuptials.

Crab.
To morrow I do mean they shall grace ours.
Tom, she's mine own, my Wit at last hath won her.

Dov.
Make it one business then, let's hast & get
A Licence, though 'tis late i'th'afternoon;
I have procur'd a Priest apochryphal,
Who not regards the houres Canonical.

Crab.
A men say I.

Phil.
In troth so do not I.
Did you not say that you were dead? I will
Not dance the shaking of the winding-sheet.

Crab.
I am reviv'd again, my pretty duck;
But I do wonder where my Falcner is.

Dov.
I met him and his doxy marching now
With Mr. Constable, before a Justice;
When he's at leisure, doubtless he'l find you out.
Mean while your own occasions beg your hast.

Crab.
Come then away, god Cupid be our speed.

Exeunt
Enter Iustice Budge, Falconer, Grace, Constable.
Budg.
Sirra, how durst you get this maid with child?

Falc.
May't please you sir, it is a native valour.
Deriv'd upon me from my ancestors.

Budge.
Well sirra, well, I'le teach you not to have
The fear of grace before your eyes, I will.

Falc.
That lesson I have learnt already sir;
And practis'd too, and to say truth, with us
We use to fall to without saying grace.

Budge.
The truth is, thou art an ungracious varlet;
'Tis well for thee my wife is not at home,
She'd ring thee a peal should make thy eares to tingle;
Mr. Constable knowes she can speak well.

Const.
For wit she is the glorie of her sex,
And fame doth sing her worthy to be wed
To one alone, who sits in justice seat;
Her tongue is tipt with Eloquence, for this
And for her other gifts, the city rings on her.

Bud.
And well it may, you know she is a Bell,
That is, you know her name is Isabell.

Const.
Now by my loan, a witty Apophthegm.

Bud.
And fellow what saist thou? this 'tis to shed
My wit amongst unletter'd Animals.

Falc.
Blame rather sir the height of your conceits,
Which are exalted far 'bove humane sense.

Const.
What dost thou call his worship non-sense?

Budg.
Let that alone, and go we to the purpose;
Fellow, wilt have this woman to thy wife?

Falc.
My name is Richard sir, & I will have her,
With the same will I did appear before you.

Budg.
Well, if thou wilt not have her to thy bride,
I mean to have thee married to Bridewell.

Const.
'Tis good again, incomparably good!

Fal.
Good do you call't? I'me sure tis bad for me.

Budg.
Woman, how dost thou use to call thy name?

Grac.
My name is Grace, an it shall like your Worship.

Budg.
It likes my worship well, but this vile fellow
Wants grace, and yet rejects it when tis offer'd.

Const.
This is still good, better and better still;
Sirra, how dost thou like his Worship's wit?

Falc.
I think his brain is like a lottery,
Where blanks and prizes most unequally
Are mixt; his common talk I call the blanks,
His jests the prizes, of which also are
Twenty of little worth, for one of value;
Of which first sort when now there were drawn three,
Your tongue was trumpet to the lottery.

Const.
Sir, this is open Scandalum magnatum.

Budg.
See where my Clark and's Mistris are come home,
That he may quickly write his Mittimus.

Falc.
Pray stay your Iourney friend, rather then so,
I'le marry this same small impediment.

Budg.
That might have serv'd your turn, but now you are
To be committed for a pettie Treason.

Falc.
Will you your self be judge in your own cause?

Budg.
And who so fit as I? for who will do
Sir Roger Budge more right then Iustice Budge?

Falc.
Then here upon my knee I humbly beg,
That you'l be mercifull as you are wise.

Grace.
And I, that you'l be lust as mercifull;
That is, that you will make him marry me.

Budg.
He has his pardon upon this condition.
Come rise my friend, I'me pleas'd with thy submission:
And Grace I thus will grace in greeting her.
kisses
This night you all shal sup with me, where we'l
Confirm the match, and I believe 'tis time,
For now me thinks my stomach 'gins to chime.

Exeunt.