University of Virginia Library

SCENE V.

—Dragon's College of health.
SOLO. AND CORO.
(Dragon and Crowd discovered.)
Dra.
O these won'drous pills I swear, sirs,
Can ev'n broken legs repair, sirs,
And the price but thirteen pence,
Plain directions you will find
For the deaf, dumb, lame and blind.
If you'd be cured at once of all your ills,
You'd better try my wonderful life pills;
No malady resists their monstrous power,
Corns and consumptions cured in half-an-hour.
I'm not a common general practitioner,
But an M.D., which means first-rate physicianer.
This vegetable pill will make you stare,
[gives one to a figure.
To carrots it has turned a head of hair.
This patent life pill of old Parr doth savour,
[gives one to figure.
See what a beard it gives to that young shaver;
A single box invests the barest lip
With sleek moustachios, (takes money)
thank you for the tip;
You'll find directions how to take them right—
A dozen in the morning, noon, and night.
[Crowd exeunt.
My patients of my treatment ne'er complain,
Once dosed by me, they never come again.

Enter Almidor (very ill) supported by St. George and Sabra.
St. Geo.
We're all anxiety to tax your skill,
This gentleman is seriously ill;

Dra.
Allow me first to look into his face,
It does appear a very serious case;
You'd better, sir, explain your symptoms fully,

Alm.
I think I've got the grubs they call the mulli;

Dra.
Take twenty, number two

Alm.
I mean no pun,
But I've too much regard for number one.
I've something preying on my conscience,

Dra.
True;
The bill I took of you will soon be due.

Alm.
You've hit the mark—oh, I'm an awful scamp,
I gave it you, on an improper stamp,

Dra.
On a wrong stamp! then it's not worth a rap,

Alm.
You know its value to a T, old chap.

Dra.
You stagger me! Oh, if your words, sir, true are,
Tell me what's to be done?

St. G.
I think that you are.

Alm.
But I some recompense have made you still,
I'm dying, and you're mentioned in my will,
I've left you, when my debts are paid, to be
My sole residuary legatee,
[Aside to St. George,
That's when my debts are paid, but I'll be bound
I'm not worth more than sixpence in the pound.

Dra.
What have you got to leave! This is a shock oh!

Alm.
I've left you all the kingdom of Morocco.

Dra.
Morocco! By the French 'twas taken,

Alm.
No!

Dra.
They talked of it—

Alm.
They didn't do it though!

St. G.
For introducing him you'll not object
To stand a present.

Dra.
What do you expect?

St. G.
(aside to Dragon.)
To half the kingdom I must lay a claim,

Dra.
Wont my acceptance come to just the same.

St. G.
Though to accommodation I incline,
I fear that your acceptance ain't worth mine;
But to be brief I'll tell you what to do,
Just give me Privy Purse's I. O. U.

Dra.
Well, well, I wont be hard! I'll do what's fair.

St. G.
(holding out his hand.)
The I. O. U. (Dragon gives it)
Now I, and U, are square.

Alm.
(aside to St. George).
Out of the Dragon's hands you've got my bill.

St. G.
(aside to Almidor.)
I've all I want—now ask him for a pill.

Alm.
I'ts very strange how fancy will control us,
I've taken quite a longing to a bolus,
I've an idea that it may do me good.

Dra.
(aside)
I'd never let you have one if it could.
Of its effects I'm tolerably sure
If it don't kill, I know it cannot cure,

(giving one).
Alm.
(having taken the pills gradually gets better).
What a delicious tonic! I can feel
From top to toe I am upon the heal.
The freedom of my breathing's getting greater,
I do not seem to need a respirator.

Dra.
He seems recovering! am I awake?
You can't be better, sir, there's some mistake.

Alm.
(Laughing)
There's no mistake at all, I'm getting well.
This is what is technically called “a sell!”

Dra.
But never mind, you're in my power still;
You noted scamp, I've got your noted bill!

Alm.
My bill! then I've been done, and so have you,
As the French say, a do de tout les deux.

St. Geo.
(laughing)
You've both been victimised as you deserve.

Alm.
(to Dragon)
I say, my friend, let's shew a little nerve—
We'll, for the trick he's played us, both requite him
I'll challenge him at once, and you shall fight him

Dra.
'Tis you that all the quarrel is about,
And yet you're leaving me to fight it out.

Alm.
But you are safe, vainly a sword assails
One who's so very weighty in his scales.

Dra.
Well, I don't mind, he's treated me and you ill,
And so I call him out to fight a duel!

St. Geo.
If his own weapons each of us may choose
I'll fight.
[Exit St. George.

Dra.
That's a request, I can't refuse.
So I must fight—last night e'en as I slumbered
I dreamt my days like the police were numbered;
For what I know my minutes may be reckoned.

Alm.
Talking of minutes, I'll be your second.

DUETT.
“Mighty Jove.”
Dra.
O by Jove! in half an hour
You shall see who is the best—
O give my elbow double pow'r,
And his jacket shall be drest.

Alm.
He's too bumptious, Mister Dragon,
You must win so don't lose heart,
Have not you six feet to brag on,
Never fear I'll take your part.

Both.
Faith, I think I'm/my boy, you're made for milling.
Bravo, bravo, strong and willing &c., &c.