University of Virginia Library

Act. 2.

Socrates, Strepsiades.
Socr.
By Chaos, and this air I breath, I never
Met any thing so stupid as this fellow,
So clownish and oblivious; easie toyes
He learns, not half so fast as he forgets 'em,
I'l call him forth; what, ho, Strepsiades;
Come out and bring your bed along with you.

Str.
The fleas will hardly let me bring my self.

So.
Quick, down with't there; and mark what I say to you.

Str.
I'm ready.

So.
What have you most mind to learn,
Measures, or Verse, or Rhyme?

Str.
By all means measures;
For I was cheated by a Meal man lately
Two pecks.

So.
That's not the thing I demand;
I'de know which you conceive the fairest measure,
The Trimeter or the Tetrameter.

Str.
The fairest measure in my mind's a Bushell.

So.
'Tis nothing that you say.

Str.
What will you lay
That your Tetrameter holds not a Bushell.

So.
Away, away, how dull thou art, and blockish.
But thou wilt be perhaps more apt at Rime.

Str.
What help can rimes afford me in my meal.

So.
First they wil make thee pleasant in all company.
Then thou shalt know which suits with Anapæstick,
And which with Dacty les.

Str.
Dactiles? I know that sure.

So.
Why what's a Dactyle.

Str.
What, but this same finger,
'Thas been a Dactyle ere since I was a child.

So.
Th'art an unprofitable Dunce.

Str.
I care not
For learning these devices:

So.
What then wouldst thou?

Str.
That, that unjust and cheating Sophistry.

So.
But there are things that must be learnt before
You come to that; what Creatures are there Masculine.

Str.
Sure I know that or I were mad indeed.
A Ram, a Bull, a Goat, a Dog, a Pigeon.

So.
See how thou err'st, that call'st both male and female
A Pigeon.

Str.
Right, by Neptune, how then must I?

So.
Call this a Cock, Pigeon, and that a Hen.

Str.
A Pigeon, Cock and Hen, ha! by this air,
For this sole document, I will replenish
Your Cardopus with meal.

So.
Again th'art wrong;
Thou call'st it Cardopus, but 'tis hæc Cardopus,
And therefore henceforth call it Cardopa.
Next it is fit you know which names are Masculine,
And which are feminine.

Str.
I know well which
Are feminine, I'me sure.

So.
Lets hear.

Str.
Philina,
Cletagora, Demetria, and Lystha.

So.
And which are Masculine?

Str.
A world, Philoxenus,
Milesias, and Amynias.

So.
Thou art out.

Str.
Are not these Masculine with you?

So.
By no means.
How if you saw Amynias, would you call him?

Str.
Amynia, ho!

So.
What, make a woman of him.

Str.
And reason good, h'has thrown away his armes,
And will not fight. But to what purpose learn I
These common trifles.

So.
Not so common neither,
But come, lie down.

Str.
What must I do?

So.
Consider
With your selfe the businesse that concernes you.

Str.
Not in this bed, I thank you, if I must
Lie down, Ile meditate upon the ground.

So.
But heres no room besides.

Str.
Wretch that I am.
How I shall be tormented with these fleas!

So.
Now think into the depth of thy affairs,
Try every turn and winding, every double;
And if you stick at any thing: give't ore,
And to some other; but be sure you sleep not.

Str.
Oh, oh.

So.
How now the matter?

Str.
I am kill'd
By these blood-suckers, these Corinthians.

So.
Do not torment your selfe.

Str.
How can I choose
When I have neither mony left, nor colour,
Scarce life, no shooes, grown almost to a Ghost
With watching?

So.
Now what think y'on, nothing?

Str.
Yes
By Neptune.

So.
What?

Str.
I'me thinking if the fleas
Will leave a piece of me or not.

So.
Death on thee.

Str.
You might have spar'd your curse, I'm dead already.

So.
Fy, fy, you must not be so tender, cover
Your face, and study for some subtle cheat.

Str.
Would I could learn to cheat these wicked fleas.

So.
Let's see what does he? what, asleep, ha'ye thought
Of nothing yet?

Str.
What would you have me think on?

So.
What would you learn?

Str.
I've told you that already
A thousand times; I'd learn to pay no use-mony.

So.
Come then, cover your self, and subtilize
Your thoughts, diffect your businesse into Atomes.

Str.
Alasse.

So.
Ly still; and if you stick at anything,
Passe by't a while, and come to it again.

Str.
Ho, my dear Socrates.

So.
What is't old man?

Str.
I have found out that will do't.

So.
As how.

Str.
First tell me
Where I may meet with some Thessalian witch;
For I would steal the Moon one of these nights,
And having got her, lock her in a chest
As charily, as I would keep a glasse.

So.
What wilt thou get by that?

Str.
What, if the Moon
Ne'r rise again, I'me bound to pay no use.

So.
How so?

Str.
'Cause use you know is paid by th'Month.

So.
'Tis well, but I'le propound another businesse;
Suppose that you were tyed upon a statute
To pay five Talents, could you rase figures?

Str.
I know not, but I'le try.

So.
You must not limit
Your thoughts so narrowly within your selfe,
But like a beetle fetter'd in a thread,
Allow them play and flutter in the air.

Str.
I ha't, I ha't, the rarest way to cancell
A deed, as you'l confesse when you have heard it.

So.
What is't?

Str.
Did you nere see at any Grocers
A clear transparant stone, with which they use
To kindle fire?

So.
You mean a burning-glasse.

Stro.
The very same.

So.
What wouldst thou do with it?

Str.
Whilst that the Scrivener writes the deed, d'ee mark,
Thus standing by him with my burning-glasse
Against the Sun, I'l burn out every letter.

So.
Wisely by all the Graces.

Str.
How I long
To cancell thus a bond of fifty pound.

So.
'Tis well, now tell me if thy adversary
Sue thee, and thou art like to be orethrown
For want of witnesses, how wilt thou void
His suit.

Str.
Most easily.

So.
Which way?

Str.
Before
It comes to judgement, I would hang my self.

So.
Push, thou sayst nothing.

Str.
Yes, by Iove there's none
Will prosecute a suit against the dead.

So.
Away, thou fool'st; i'l teach no more.

Str.
Why dear Socrates,
Why?

So.
Thou forget'st as fast as thou canst learn.
Tell me the first thing thou wert taught to day.

Str.
The first, stay let me see; the first thing say you?
How call you that we use to put our meal in?
Wretch, Iv'e forget it!

So.
See, deserv'st thou not
Forgetfull to be punish'd for a dunce,

Str.
Alasse what shall I do? for if I learn not
The cheating language, I am quite undone;
Good Clouds advise me what course I shall take.

Cho.
“If an ingenious son thou hast at home,
“Thou hadst best send him hither in thy room.

Str.
I have a son, and he's ingenious too;
But will not learn, the more my misery.

Cho.
And wilt thou suffer't?

Str.
Of a promising person
His mother is a woman of great spirit:
Once more Ile try; if he refuse, i'l make
No more adoe but turn him out of dores;
Stay but a while, I will be quickly back.