Legal & Other Lyrics :: :: University of Virginia Library

Whoever shall oppose my claim for augmentation,
I'll hold amongst my foes—
Whoever shall oppose;
I'll deem him one of those who seek their own damnation,
Whoever shall oppose my claim for augmentation.

Though some may hold their lands cum decimis inclusis,
Secure from my demands—
Though some may hold their lands;
Enough's in other's hands, who have no such excuses—
Though some may hold their lands cum decimis inclusis.

'Tis fully twenty years since my stipend was augmented,—
A time of want and fears!
'Tis fully twenty years;
In silence and in tears my griefs I have lamented;

'Tis fully twenty years since my stipend was augmented.

'Tis partly paid in Bear, and partly paid in Barley;
Though few such crops now rear,
'Tis partly paid in Bear;
Though Wheat and Oats elsewhere are now grown regularly,
'Tis partly paid in Bear, and partly paid in Barley.

My glebe is small and poor, and my parish is prodigious.
How long shall I endure!
My glebe is small and poor.
No error, I am sure, was ever more egregious.
My glebe is small and poor, and my parish is prodigious.

I have no means but those. A small mortification
Just keeps my wife in clothes.
I have no means but those.
If I might be jocose, I'd say on this occasion
I have no means but those—a great mortification.

Then whoever shall oppose my claim for augmentation,
I'll hold amongst my foes—
Whoever shall oppose;
I'll deem him one of those who seek their own damnation.
Whoever shall oppose my claim for augmentation.

The Heritors defend themselves to the tune of “Judy Callaghan.”
FIRST HERITOR
And hang me if I don't
Oppose your augmentation!
My Lords, you surely won't
Condemn me to starvation.
I couldn't give a rap
To purchase immortality,
More than that fat old chap
Draws under the last locality.

Chorus of Heritors—
Uh! uh! uh!
Nae wonder we're in sic a rage—
He wants the hale o' the teind,
Parsonage and Vicarage.

SECOND HERITOR
She'd readily pay her merk
Upon ony just occasion;
But she lives ten miles frae the kirk—
An she's of another persuasion.
He ought to scrutineese
The errors that have perverted her—
An' she'll pay him whatever ye please
As soon as he has converted her.

Chorus—
Uh! uh! uh! &c.

THIRD HERITOR
My father mortified
A field of about ten acre—
But he scarce had signed the deed
When his spirit was aff to his Maker.
Had the minister shown less greed,
I didna mean to object to it—
But now I hope to see't
Reduced ex capite lecti yet.

Chorus—
Uh! uh! uh! &c.

FOURTH HERITOR
He says, that frae the teinds
He is but puirly pensioned;
But he's ither ways an' means,
Though he'd rather they werena mentioned.

He kens the ways o' a'
The wives in his vicinity,
An' weel can whilly-wha
A rich, auld, sour virginity.

Chorus—
Uh! uh! uh! &c.

FIFTH HERITOR
He'll croon to ane on death,
Until her een are bleerit—
An' lecture anither on faith,
Till she's like to gang deleerit.
An' thus he mak's a spoil
O' fatuous facility,
An' works into the Will
O' dottrified senility.

Chorus—
Uh! uh! uh! &c.

SIXTH HERITOR
Every time (an' that's ance a-year)
That his wife's in the hands o' the howdie,
He sets the hale parish asteer
For things to flavour her crowdie.
An' this ane sends jelly an' wine,
An' that ane sends puddin's an' pastries,
Till she—like a muckle swine—
Just wallows in walth an' wasteries.

Chorus—
Uh! uh! uh! &c.

SEVENTH HERITOR
He warns us to beware,—
For if we're caught in transgression,
It's his duty to notice't in prayer,
Or bring us afore the Session;
But a turkey, or a guse,
Or some sic temporalities,
Can mak' a braw excuse
For a' our wee carnalities.

Chorus—
Uh! uh! uh! &c.

EIGHTH HERITOR
The time he fixes for
Parochial visitation,
Is aye our dinner-hour—
An' he's sure to improve the occasion.
An' siccan a stamack he has!
You'd think he'd ne'er get to the grund o' it;
An' he tells us that flesh is grass—
Just after he's swallowed a pund o' it.

Chorus—
Uh! uh! uh! &c.

ALL THE HERITORS TOGETHER
Then, oh, my Lords, don't grant
The smallest augmentation!
His pleading's nought but cant,
Perversion and evasion.

Don't give a single rap
('Twere worse than prodigality)
More than that fat old chap
Draws under the last locality.

Chorus—
Uh! uh! uh! &c.

THE LORDS MODIFY

[_]

Judicial Madrigal.—Air: “Now is the Month of Maying.”

The Court on this occasion
Of solemn consultation,
Fol lol de rol, &c.—
With deep sense of their high
Responsibility,
Thus modify:
Fol de rol, &c.

We'll first allow him yearly
Ten pecks of Meal,—as clearly
Equivalent
To the full extent
Of stipend paid in Bear;
Though, lest he that deny,
We'll add, for certainty,
A boll of Rye.
Fol de rol, &c.

One chalder, in addition,
Of Oats, would seem sufficient;
And an increment
To that extent
We therefore modify,
With Barley as before.

Lord C.—
“Oh! half a chalder more.”
Ho! ho! hi!—

(Judicial laughter.)

The process now must tarry
Till the Junior Ordinary
Proceed to prepare,
With his usual care,
A scheme of locality.
And, having done its turn,
The Court will now adjourn
Instantly.
Fol de rol, &c.

(The Lords adjourn.)

THE HERITORS REJOICE

Hurrah for the Court o' Teinds!
Hurrah for the Tithe Commission!
We couldna done better if friends
Had taen up the case on submission.
His teeth he now may gnash
O'er his matters alimentary;

The Lords have settled his hash
For anither fifth part of a century!
Ha! ha! ha!
They've done for his venality!
Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
For the rectified locality!

Had he an offer fair,
Or rational propounded,
For twa three chalders mair
We'd gladly hae compounded.—
A boll o' Meal a-year
We'd readily hae sent it him—
Forbye his pickle Bear,
If that could hae contented him.
Ha! ha! ha!
The clod o' cauld legality
Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
For the rectified locality!

But he wad tak' nae course,
Except to raise an action,
In order to enforce
The most extreme exaction.
He's now got his decree—
An' muckle he's the better o't!
But we'll tak' care that he

Shall keep within the letter o't.
Ha! ha! ha!
The mass o' fat formality!
Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
For the rectified locality.

For not a single Ait,
Nor yet a spike o' Barley,
Nor nip o' Meal, he's get
Again irregularly.
His wife, neist time, may grane
As friendless as the Pelican;
While he may dine his lane
Forenent her empty jelly-can.
Ha! ha! ha!
The lump o' sensuality!
Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
For the rectified locality!

(Exeunt Heritors.)

THE MINISTER CONSOLES HIMSELF

Though I have been beset by roaring Bulls of Bashan,
There is some comfort yet,
Though I have been beset.

'Tis well that I'm to get a little augmentation,
Though I have been beset by roaring Bulls of Bashan.

I've many other cares that press on my attention.
My Manse requires repairs—
I've many other cares,—
Nay! common sense declares it needeth an extension.
I've many other cares that press on my attention.

The rooms are far too small, and fewer than beseemeth,
Should sickness e'er befall,
The rooms are far too small,
We can't have beds for all when next my helpmeet teemeth.
The rooms are far too small, and fewer than beseemeth.

A wing on either side, of decent elevation—
Proportionably wide—
A wing on either side—
Would suitably provide for our accommodation—
A wing on either side, of decent elevation.

My byre requires new walls—my milk-house a new gable.
To stand the wintry squalls,
My byre requires new walls.
New mangers and new stalls are needed for my stable.
My byre requires new walls—my milk-house a new gable.

If all this be not done unto my satisfaction,
Before a year has run,—
If all this be not done,—
All compromise I'll shun, and raise another action—
If all this be not done unto my satisfaction.

And whoever did oppose, &c.

(Exit muttering.)
DISTANT CHORUS OF HERITORS
Ha! —ha! —ha!
Curs —mean —scality!
—rah! —rah! —rah!
Rec —fied —cality!