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The fidler's fling at roguery

(Canto verace odioso.) In several canto's. to be successively continued [by Edward Ward]

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113

Le Cose malitiosamentè fatte dì Nascosto,
Se palesarrano.

Those that frequent Academies,
Ought well to learn Civilities,
That where high Favours are heap'd on 'em,
Their Donors may have Justice done 'em;
The Fidler-Student then, To try
A Quid pro Quo accordingly,
Own's Himself ready to acknowledge
The weighty Favours of The College:
And willingly to compensate
Good Offices, at any Rate,
Proportionally adequate.
But here's The Pussle now—To find
How Rog---sh---cruel can be kind:
Or can be thought so by Mankind.

114

Eúclid can never make it out,
But there will still remain a doubt;
And, till we know the Obligation,
How can w'adapt Retalliation?
But still, my Friends, pray let Us guess;
(And Gratitude be ne're the less.)
Designing, if we can hit on 'em,
All fav'ring Friends shall have Right done 'em.
What Thanks are due then to that Rector,
So much a Student's Health's Director,
As well as Privilege-Protector?
That send's a Doctor tacitly
To visit, and without a Fee,
A Student That's as well as He is?
(Such sure are rare Civilities.)

107

Or rather, what Returns are due
To Th'Rector, and The Doctor too?
Oh! Heer ALB---9---! is it YOU?
That come's, forsooth, Incognito,
And slyly hide's Himself below,
To kill—call'd cure One e're He go?
Who wou'd n't go To Study, Where
Students are treated with such Care?
And where so kind Professors are.
To come to Patients e're They're sent to,
And with so generous a Bent, too!
A Doctor, by The Rector's Orders,
Is sent to cure all the Disorders
Not of The Body only,—Gratis:
But of The Mind too.—Oh! plus Satis.
Sat, Satis, affatim, abundè!
Res inaudita aliundè!

116

And now t'have at the Factdull JEMMY:
(Not to wrong Thee—nor th'Academy.)
That Fact, That Prank, so vilely base,
Thou brazen'dst out with thy bold Face,
To th'deathless Scandal of the Place.
To lay a Student Neck and Heels,
To sooth a Lust a WANTON feel's
To show his cross-grain'd Politicks,
By putting Kn---ves and Fools on Tricks:
Keenly, at Once, To sacrifice
The Honour of Academies;
And Safety too:—to his device.
And That all grounded, as you know,
On Pride, and rank Injustice too!
But, still How much, and to how many
Like Members of that Academy,

117

Their Student is indebted for
Civility's He must abhor;
Their monstrous deal of Over-Care,
He w'll tell—when He know's Who They are:
And name 'em all, respectively,
(For th'Good of all Posterity;)
To their eternal Infamy.
Tho' 't may be, now, He know's so much
That They, by Chance, may have a Touch.
Dum interim, in General,
He give's his due Thanks to 'em all.
But how great Thanks Those ought to be,
You'll, in The Sequel, quickly see.
Then, For an Arch-R---g---e and Oppressor
Give me The lame and white Professor,
Since, For a smart seer'd Boutefeu,
D'ent're Tous il Me plait le Plus.

118

(As Fid love's Ingenuity,
Tho' in his greatest Enemy,
Even in Tricks of Roguery.)
But, for all this Ingenuousness,
He love's not Rogues for Roguishness,
But love's les Tours de leur Finesse.
And This was He—The Rector sent,
To tend his Student (for a Feint)
With a bamboosling Compliment.
For This came not, as, vulgarly
Do other Doctors:—(for a Fee;)
But Here's The Rogu'ry o'n't,—He w'd still
Came Gratis—'gainst his Patient's Will.
To make Folks think his Case was such
'T requir'd a Doctor very much.
Which so much favour'd their Report
Of's being Mad—It seem'd Proof for't.

119

Then Guarding Him still, Night and Day,
Made Folks believe what e're They w'd say;
And none suspect 'em of foul Play.
While, all this while, their Student was
As well in's Mind as ever, (Poz:)
Nor, as to's Body, cou'd He find
That was less healthful than his Mind;
(That all their Farce was but a Blind.
For This same very Man, when sent to,
Refus'd to come—to Th'Man He went to
Without his sending for Him;—Sure
The Doctor meant some private Cure,
Some quick Dispatch, or something Nought,
That gave The Patient such a Thought
It made Him take The Care He ought.
May then such Chaps have Thanks deserv'd:
Whose farther Favours be observ'd.

120

Fid then, return'd from's Expedition,
Soon was attended by Physician:
With proferr'd Services, and such
The Fidler did n't like too much.
For soon He found, from his fond Yearning,
He wanted to employ his Learning,
And, strait, to fall to Guinea-Earning.
So wav'd The Doctor's Courtesys,
Yet prais'd his Generositys:
To come—unsent for—without Fees.
Heer Doctor finding his Pretence
(For all his Cloaking) gave Offence,
Retire's, as modest Man of Sense.
Taking his Leave with Complaisance,
But faltring—as half in a Trance:
Thus, with a Counter-Compliment,
Away The balk'd Professor went.

121

Yet fill'd The Student with Suspicion
Some sent Him that wou'd pay th'Physician.
For, Through his Window, hush as Mouse,
Fid saw He daily came to th'House:
But slyly slipt in Holes, below,
That his poor Student might n't know;
Nor e'en suspect his great Pains-Taking
To prepare Him e'en Kookje-Bakking.
However, in a day or two
Up come's a Mongrel Boutefeu,
With a foul Dose in a fine Glass,
And Clack of Cant—To skreen what 'twas.
But Fid suspecting Treachery,
(Tho' He h'd not found it actually)
Wav'd his All-feign'd Civility.
Nor wou'd He, tho' press't o'er and o'er,
Once Taste it—upon any Score.

122

This Balking, in an unexpected
Manner, The Schemes They had erected,
The brisk Complotters much dejected.
But Fid's kind Doctor had the Hope, yet,
To coax Him—To take down his Opiate:
Cou'd it be done by some Deceit,
So finely palm'd Fid might not see't:
And given as a Compliment
Of Beer, a Present—to Him sent.
And, so 'twas down, without his Knowing,
'Twas to be told—(with Scrapes and Bowing)
“The Done was to the Doctor owing.
Who sent it by another Hand,
A R---g---e and Fool at his Command:
That brought it with a fawning Air,
The greatest Rarity! He w'd Swear:

123

Nicknam'd, forsooth, “The finest Beer
“In all that Town, or any where;
“A Present sent Him (To coax faster)
“From his good Friend d'Heer Bourge-Meester.
“Which He, in meer kind Compliment,
“To's Friend The Fidler wou'd present:
“So brought Him o' 't, in friendly Haste,
“Of the first Bottle just a Taste.
“Not doubting that He wou'd approve
“Of what The Grandees All so love.
Thus ush'ring it, in a figur'd Glass,
With glib Harangue from Whom it was,
Back'd with arch Fibs and stiff Grimace;
The Puppy prest, with Affectation,
What Fid refus'd—for Preservation.
As He'd conceiv'd a just Suspicion,
From th'Slipping in of that Physician.

124

But—Had He chanc'd t'have seiz'd The Glass,
And so discover'd what it was,
While Listning to that Vill---n's Prate,
He h'd forc'd it through his saucy Pate:
For Telling Him such Lies to's Face,
With an Intent so vilely base.
That perjur'd Sc---d---rel, Mongrel Master,
That so work'd up Fid's (forg'd) Disaster;
And brought this Opiate—To kill faster.
Who by his Lies (call'd Deposition)
(And back'd therein by br---b'd Physician,)
With th'Help of Sets of many more,
(That lend a Hand, on any Score
Wherein their Party-Cause's concern'd;)
And Pens---n'rs, long since suborn'd,
Impos'd on honest Gentlemen;
That little thought They'd swear for Gain:

125

And prostitute their Consciences,
By Taking Br---b---s to swear Offences:
To blind the Just—by sham Pretences.
And that vile fulsome Slut his Wife,
(A Jade that match'd The R---g---e to th'Life)
Feeling the Pleasure of the Pence
Attainable by Impudence,
And a Case-hardn'd Conscience,
Resolving to earn B---tish Gold;
At Once in Perj---ry grew bold.
And outdid, in her Protestations,
All her Friend Lucifer's Relations.
Surpass'd the Beadles vile Directions:
So swell'd She with their G---ld-Infections.
For, full of venal Impudence,
She blasphem'd Truth, and choak't all Sense.
(Which She'll think on, when She goe's hence:)

126

Such Evidence as this, Then, (sure,)
Can swear a Madman want's a Cure;
And prove stark Madness where there's none.
For 'tis but swearing 't, and its done.
Thus R---gue Professors shew'd their Sense,
By Sets of ready Evidence,
On Oath at Will, to bring in Pence.
For such like Witnesses abound,
To serve Prof---s'rs so profound;
That work, like Moles, safe under Ground.
Whereby They'll make, As They h've design'd,
You're in, or else out of your Mind:
To have you, when They will, confin'd.
By which, and Privilege, They may
Plague Students—(and without Gainsay)
Till They've made any Man away.

127

Provided it be closely done:
(And, sure, such R---g---es know Tricks, or None.)
Nor can The Laws there interfere,
(However They may be severe,)
Will but the Rector once declare
His Student's under his own Care.
So b---be but well this frank't R---g---s Clan,
And you may take off any Man;
By Party-Ch---ts and close Chic---ne.
Ha's He been so impolitick
As to become Academick.
Whence, Inquisition-like, They skreen
All Evidence from being seen.
Whence, for all Mischief They'll have done,
They've Vouchers stanch, To bring it on:

128

Which once effected, They're conceal'd,
That to th'Accus'd They're ne're reveal'd.
Tho' legal Treatment and due Care
They'll fondly boast of ev'ry where:
While, any Day, for dirty Work
(That wou'd be scrupled by a Turk)
They're Sets of Evidence for Blinds;
(Dabs at Bamboosling honest Minds:)
To carry on their vile Designs.
This you may think, perhaps, a Fiction,
But We can give you, for Conviction;
The Student's Ruin and Affliction.
Ay, And we'll give you something more,
Th'Italians tell us on this Score:
“Che'l Ipocrita è Fratello
“Del lagrimoso Crocodillo;
“E dòve e lècito Amassàre
“V'e, Anchè, de Saccheggiàre.

129

This give's you whence These Chaps design'd
To plunder Goods To Cure a Mind.
For callous R---gues, thus prostituted,
(While They're for honest Men reputed,
Play Tricks in s'advantageôus Light,
That all The wrong They do's thought Right.
Whence Learning, e're so great, at best is
Thus misappli'd, but Magna Pestis;
Whereby They lead Folks by the Nose;
Passing for Friends to whom They're Foes:
(And sure These Chaps are some of Those.)
Thus They lay Th---ves behind The Hedge,
Yet Advocates for Privilege:
Whence They and all their impious Elves
Can still play Tricks, and skreen Themselves:
While Gold will make their Minds to bow,
As Fire doe's green Wood, any how.

130

That, fee 'em but, you may proceed
Just as you will—They'll give no Heed:
So, for Connivance you'll but bleed.
(And this is what The Fidler saw,
Long before e're He felt their Paw
Trampling on Students Right and Law.)
And all done by their Privileges,
That to their Roguerys are Hedges.
That skreen 'em from Examination,
On many a most just Occasion,
To th'Hazard and Shame of the Nation.
For, 'xempted from The civil Power,
They dare insult it ev'ry Hour:
Not openly, we own, but yet
They h've Ways are sure To do the Feat.
Tho' snug and close that Few may see't.
And so 't be done effectually
What Matter how clandestinely?

131

Nay, by their playing Tricks in Private,
They further much all Aims They drive at.
As Thus—(From a Mis-Calculation,)
There Strangers come for Education:
Supposing it a friendly Nation;
Till, by a Set of Partisans
They're deem'd Foes—both to Them and Clans;
But, fix't in Academick Roll,
(To Th'Fidler a most fatal Scroll:)
Find Themselves hamper'd to The Soul.
For Academick-Privilege
Ha's rotten Stakes through all The Hedge,
When Students want it for a Pledge.
For, while with Franchises They're flamm'd,
They're but Hood-wink't, and grosly bamm'd.

132

To have Excise-free Beer and Wine
Oh!—There's a Privilege!—That's fine.
But, while with Trifles They're trepann'd,
They loose th'Protection of the Land.
The Party then pick's up some Spark,
Too bright for Workers in the Dark:
That, for the Good of Common-Weal,
Divulge's Truths They wou'd conceal.
Secure's Him too before They bark,
Then fix Him; up a Party-Mark:
And truss Him up in any dark
Hen-Roost They please to pick out for Him:
That done—They value no Laws nor Him.
They h've Privilege enough to stand
Bluff,—and insult all Laws o'th' Land;
Because He's in the Rector's Hand.
Then, with due Secresy, with Ease
They can Dispatch Him as They please.

133

For Magistrates can't interfere
(Th'Acàdemy's ensconc'd so, Here)
With Students under Rector's Care:
Tho', same Time, Beadles Rectors are.
Here's The main Stake of all their Hedge:
They'll play the R---gue by Privilege.
Then, To detain Him,—Cry “He's mad:
“And that his Case is very bad;
“For which They're taking all due Care,
And, if They're question'd home, They'll swear:
Or (what's equivalent esteem'd,
From Men so consciencious deem'd)
They'll clap their Hands upon their Breast,
And roll their Eyes with, “I protest
'Tis so:—Thus gravely palm their Jest.

134

Now, We say, “Who will swear will lie.
And then, The Fidler cant tell why
He that will poyson for a Bribe
Mayn't gulp an Oath, To save a Jibe.
To cast a Mist before their Eyes,
When Great Ones wou'd be made too wise
In Tricks They secretly devise.
When by an unsuspected Lie
He readily may fortify
Th'Opinion of's Integrity.
Their Student, then, if once decreed
To be Slam-clàm tipp't off with Speed;
(As being a Malignant found,
That blow's The Skits They're playing round:
(Purposely to corrupt The Sound.)
Must be confin'd:—on smooth Pretences,
That They may bring Him to his Senses.

135

By METHODS, and so well conceal'd,
They never are to be reveal'd:
Without eternal Loss of Credit
Among all Partisans that hear it.
As well as Loss of Br---bes and P---sions:
As no more fit for their Intentions.
Never hereafter To be trusted
By that grand Party They h've digusted.
(Because They'll soon blow up the Wicked
That can't do Mischief—and keep't Secret.)
There, Then He's kept till doctor'd Dead;
Fatigu'd to Death—Or p---soned.
Now What, in all This, can you find
But They can do,—when They've a Mind,
By any Student They may have?
(Howe're his Friends or He may rave.)
Then i'n't A STUDENT (pray) A SLAVE?

136

Burghers enjoy the Laws o'th' Land;
Students are in The Rector's Hand.
And, when Br---b---s blind Him and's Assessors,
There's a Monop'ly of Oppressors.
And then NO STUDENT's SAFE: You'll say Sirs.