Vulgus Britannicus Or, The British Hudibrass [by Edward Ward] |
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 | I. |
| 2. |
| 3. | Part the Third. |
| VIII. |
| IX. |
| X. |
| IV. |
| V. |
 | Vulgus Britannicus |  |
81
3. Part the Third.
85
CANTO VIII. The beating up for the Trainbands; the City's Preparation for raising the same. The Watch and Ward, with their Character and Deportment.
Now
City Calvskin roar'd aloud,
Thro' London Streets, to scare the Croud;
And still the more 'twas beat or plaid
Upon, the greater Noise it made;
Before the Masters of the Dub,
Surrounded by a Beardless Mob;
Advanc'd a Red-fac'd squabby Fellow,
As odly shap'd as Punchionello;
Most nobly crown'd with Hat and Feather,
And dress'd in Buff or other Leather;
With Truncheon rais'd against his side,
To shew his Office and his Pride;
And now and then extended further,
To keep the little Boys in order;
Behind him came some Halberdiers,
With Feathers flapping round their Ears;
And on their Shoulders did they bear,
Their desp'rate Instruments of War;
Kept at the Killing end as bright,
As sturdy Steel of Errant Knight;
As if they'd been just scour'd with Whiting,
Or dust of Brick, against their Fighting;
Their Bodies hoop'd with Sashes round,
As tyte as Hogsheads Iron bound;
That they might hold, in case of Thirsting,
More Drink, without the fear of Bursting;
Each Hero's Stockins, Sash and Feather,
All seeming to be dy'd together;
That Men or Boys, who were beholders
Of these the Beaters up for Soldiers;
Might know by th' Colour of their Knots,
That hung in splendor on their Hats;
Or by the Strings that ty'd their Hair,
Of what fierce Regiment they were;
So Whifflers on a Lordmayor's-Day,
Who walk before to clear the Way;
Shew by the Ribbons that are hung to
The Noddies, who the Fools belong to.
Thro' London Streets, to scare the Croud;
And still the more 'twas beat or plaid
Upon, the greater Noise it made;
86
Surrounded by a Beardless Mob;
Advanc'd a Red-fac'd squabby Fellow,
As odly shap'd as Punchionello;
Most nobly crown'd with Hat and Feather,
And dress'd in Buff or other Leather;
With Truncheon rais'd against his side,
To shew his Office and his Pride;
And now and then extended further,
To keep the little Boys in order;
Behind him came some Halberdiers,
With Feathers flapping round their Ears;
And on their Shoulders did they bear,
Their desp'rate Instruments of War;
Kept at the Killing end as bright,
As sturdy Steel of Errant Knight;
As if they'd been just scour'd with Whiting,
Or dust of Brick, against their Fighting;
Their Bodies hoop'd with Sashes round,
As tyte as Hogsheads Iron bound;
That they might hold, in case of Thirsting,
More Drink, without the fear of Bursting;
87
All seeming to be dy'd together;
That Men or Boys, who were beholders
Of these the Beaters up for Soldiers;
Might know by th' Colour of their Knots,
That hung in splendor on their Hats;
Or by the Strings that ty'd their Hair,
Of what fierce Regiment they were;
So Whifflers on a Lordmayor's-Day,
Who walk before to clear the Way;
Shew by the Ribbons that are hung to
The Noddies, who the Fools belong to.
Thus round their proper Bounds they march'd,
Like waxwork Figures stiff and starch'd;
That by repeated loud Alarms,
Of Drum, the Cits might scour their Arms;
And send their Hireling Heroes to
The usual place of Rendevou;
That such a brave surprizing Train
Of Sworded Boys, and armed Men;
Might scare the bold tumultuous swarm,
From madly doing farther harm;
Or that at least it might induce,
The Mob who were before so loose;
To change their Shapes for better Pay,
And now, for half a Crown a Day,
Take Arms, and for the present hide
Themselves among the strongest side;
So Joining with the lawful Force,
Wisely suppress themselves of Course;
For when in Arms they shew their Faces,
How should they be in other Places;
So cunning Villains that commit,
By Night a Robb'ry in the street;
If once they find they're close persu'd
They slack their Speed, and Join the Croud;
And running on the self-same way,
Cry out stop Thief as well as they.
Like waxwork Figures stiff and starch'd;
That by repeated loud Alarms,
Of Drum, the Cits might scour their Arms;
And send their Hireling Heroes to
The usual place of Rendevou;
That such a brave surprizing Train
Of Sworded Boys, and armed Men;
Might scare the bold tumultuous swarm,
From madly doing farther harm;
88
The Mob who were before so loose;
To change their Shapes for better Pay,
And now, for half a Crown a Day,
Take Arms, and for the present hide
Themselves among the strongest side;
So Joining with the lawful Force,
Wisely suppress themselves of Course;
For when in Arms they shew their Faces,
How should they be in other Places;
So cunning Villains that commit,
By Night a Robb'ry in the street;
If once they find they're close persu'd
They slack their Speed, and Join the Croud;
And running on the self-same way,
Cry out stop Thief as well as they.
No sooner had the Marshal Dub,
Thus giv'n a Challenge to the Mob;
And call'd each Trader to prepare
His Arms for this Non-fighting War;
But e'ery willing Hero laid
His Business by, to whet his Blade;
And scour his Firelock, and his Barrel,
Upon this unexpected Quarrel;
That he might come himself or Hire
Some Man as Brave, that durst to fire
A Musquet that should do no hurt,
And never start at the Report;
But stand in Wet or Windy Weather,
At Corner Post an Hour together;
And boldly guard it in the Night,
That none should reel or stagger by't;
Without first shewing to the Guard,
Good Reasons why he drank so hard;
And that he was no Mob tho' mellow,
But a good honest Drunken Fellow;
So tatter'd Slouch that guards the Street,
And crys the Hour in Wind and Wet;
Will know by careful Inquisition,
Who runs for Midwife or Physician;
Thus giv'n a Challenge to the Mob;
And call'd each Trader to prepare
His Arms for this Non-fighting War;
89
His Business by, to whet his Blade;
And scour his Firelock, and his Barrel,
Upon this unexpected Quarrel;
That he might come himself or Hire
Some Man as Brave, that durst to fire
A Musquet that should do no hurt,
And never start at the Report;
But stand in Wet or Windy Weather,
At Corner Post an Hour together;
And boldly guard it in the Night,
That none should reel or stagger by't;
Without first shewing to the Guard,
Good Reasons why he drank so hard;
And that he was no Mob tho' mellow,
But a good honest Drunken Fellow;
So tatter'd Slouch that guards the Street,
And crys the Hour in Wind and Wet;
Will know by careful Inquisition,
Who runs for Midwife or Physician;
90
The Hour appointed being come,
The Heroes met at beat of Drum;
And Coblers, 'Prentices and Porters,
Forsook with Joy their Winter Quarters;
Like valliant Troops to undergo,
The Hazard both of Frost and Snow,
Besides the danger of the Foe;
Thus Lazy Louts and Drousy Fellows,
Who love to hug their Downy Pillows;
Think sitting up a Night in Buff,
Hard Service and sufficient Proof;
They've as much Fortitude to brag on,
As Champion George that slew the Dragon.
The Heroes met at beat of Drum;
And Coblers, 'Prentices and Porters,
Forsook with Joy their Winter Quarters;
Like valliant Troops to undergo,
The Hazard both of Frost and Snow,
Besides the danger of the Foe;
Thus Lazy Louts and Drousy Fellows,
Who love to hug their Downy Pillows;
Think sitting up a Night in Buff,
Hard Service and sufficient Proof;
They've as much Fortitude to brag on,
As Champion George that slew the Dragon.
No sooner were these Men of War,
In valiant Order met to scare,
The Hairbrain'd Rabble from persuing,
Those startling Ills they had been doing;
But the Mob vanish'd as 'twas thought,
Thro' fear of being Kill'd or Caught;
When in reality the Apes,
Had Proteus like, but chang'd their Shapes,
For those that were the Tatter'd Slaves
Before, who with their Clubs and Staves,
Knock'd down with so much Spite and Passion,
The Synagogues of Toleration;
Had now thro' Fear of being taken,
Like cunning Knaves to save their Bacon;
Transform'd their Broomstaves and Battoons,
To Backswords, Bandaliers and Guns;
And so from a Rude Mob became,
The fierce Suppressors of the same.
In valiant Order met to scare,
The Hairbrain'd Rabble from persuing,
Those startling Ills they had been doing;
But the Mob vanish'd as 'twas thought,
Thro' fear of being Kill'd or Caught;
91
Had Proteus like, but chang'd their Shapes,
For those that were the Tatter'd Slaves
Before, who with their Clubs and Staves,
Knock'd down with so much Spite and Passion,
The Synagogues of Toleration;
Had now thro' Fear of being taken,
Like cunning Knaves to save their Bacon;
Transform'd their Broomstaves and Battoons,
To Backswords, Bandaliers and Guns;
And so from a Rude Mob became,
The fierce Suppressors of the same.
So those who for one side declare,
That they the Publick Wealth may share;
And such abusive Frauds commit,
That put the Nation in a Heat;
When once they've largely made their Fortune,
By Secret means behind the Curtain;
They always then espouse that cause,
And give that Party most applause,
That best can skreen 'em from the Laws.
That they the Publick Wealth may share;
And such abusive Frauds commit,
That put the Nation in a Heat;
When once they've largely made their Fortune,
By Secret means behind the Curtain;
They always then espouse that cause,
And give that Party most applause,
That best can skreen 'em from the Laws.
92
Jack Presbyter in times of Yore,
Who pull'd down Church and Sov'reign Pow'r;
When Restauration did appear,
Turn'd tail on their own side, thro' fear;
And then cry'd hey for Cavalier.
Who pull'd down Church and Sov'reign Pow'r;
When Restauration did appear,
Turn'd tail on their own side, thro' fear;
And then cry'd hey for Cavalier.
To back their Military Guard,
They added now the Watch and Ward;
Wherein the Midnight Parish Croakers,
Old Tiplers and Mundungus Smoakers;
Swaddl'd in Rags hoop'd round with Leather;
To keep their tatter'd Frize together;
With Faces stern as frightful Vizards,
And Beards that made them look like Wizards.
Were Join'd with some more young and lusty,
With Skins like Bacon Fat when rusty;
Who seem'd to be a part of those,
'Gainst whom they now appear'd as Foes;
And that they'd still more Inclination,
To Join the Rabble on occasion;
Altho' their Brainless Head had chose 'em,
In case they met 'em to oppose 'em.
They added now the Watch and Ward;
Wherein the Midnight Parish Croakers,
Old Tiplers and Mundungus Smoakers;
Swaddl'd in Rags hoop'd round with Leather;
To keep their tatter'd Frize together;
With Faces stern as frightful Vizards,
And Beards that made them look like Wizards.
Were Join'd with some more young and lusty,
With Skins like Bacon Fat when rusty;
Who seem'd to be a part of those,
'Gainst whom they now appear'd as Foes;
And that they'd still more Inclination,
To Join the Rabble on occasion;
Altho' their Brainless Head had chose 'em,
In case they met 'em to oppose 'em.
93
So the same Gang that steal a Brace
Of Bucks from Forrest, Park, or Chase;
If they're but unsuspected Neighbours,
That gain their Livings by their Labours;
The Keeper will in friendship call 'em,
To go in quest of those that stole 'em;
Who join him laughing in their Sleeves,
To think themselves the very Thieves.
Of Bucks from Forrest, Park, or Chase;
If they're but unsuspected Neighbours,
That gain their Livings by their Labours;
The Keeper will in friendship call 'em,
To go in quest of those that stole 'em;
Who join him laughing in their Sleeves,
To think themselves the very Thieves.
Each Parish Watch-house now was lin'd,
With Crazy Sots, some Lame, some Blind;
And lazy Louts more fit to play
The Rogue, than scare the Rogues away;
From whence sometimes they made their Sallies,
And walk'd their Rounds thro' Streets and Allies;
Lead now about i'th' Face oth' Light,
By the stern Rulers of the Night;
Who look'd almost as much like ill Men,
As Judas and his train of Billmen;
When going to betray his Lord
And Master, for a small Reward;
Some Dirty, others Drunk and Drousy,
Some Scarecrows shrugging as if Lousy;
Some in Fur Caps, in which they lay
At Night, and wore the same by day;
All arm'd with mighty Staves whose strength
Appear'd in thickness and in length,
Which as they crept along, the Drones
Knock'd down so hard upon the Stones,
As if they us'd their Clubs for Hammers,
To serve instead of Paviers Rammers;
Or that each surly tatter'd Slave,
Meant by the noisy Thumps they gave;
To signify themselves to be,
The Riff Raff of Authority;
So Tinkers who Repair old Bellows,
And mend our Pots and Sausepans tell us,
By thumping loud on Brasen Kettle,
The sturdy Knaves are men of Mettle.
With Crazy Sots, some Lame, some Blind;
And lazy Louts more fit to play
The Rogue, than scare the Rogues away;
From whence sometimes they made their Sallies,
And walk'd their Rounds thro' Streets and Allies;
Lead now about i'th' Face oth' Light,
By the stern Rulers of the Night;
Who look'd almost as much like ill Men,
As Judas and his train of Billmen;
When going to betray his Lord
And Master, for a small Reward;
94
Some Scarecrows shrugging as if Lousy;
Some in Fur Caps, in which they lay
At Night, and wore the same by day;
All arm'd with mighty Staves whose strength
Appear'd in thickness and in length,
Which as they crept along, the Drones
Knock'd down so hard upon the Stones,
As if they us'd their Clubs for Hammers,
To serve instead of Paviers Rammers;
Or that each surly tatter'd Slave,
Meant by the noisy Thumps they gave;
To signify themselves to be,
The Riff Raff of Authority;
So Tinkers who Repair old Bellows,
And mend our Pots and Sausepans tell us,
By thumping loud on Brasen Kettle,
The sturdy Knaves are men of Mettle.
The City and Suburbian Borders,
Thus fill'd with Soldiers and with Warders;
Who like stern Heroes march'd about,
In quest of the Rebellious Rout;
Resolving if they could but meet 'em,
To take 'em or at last to beat 'em;
But all their Searches were in vain,
The Mob were now Low-Church again;
And all the Jesuits and Priests,
Were safely crept into their Nests;
That looking out for High-Church Plotters,
And those that were the Rout's Promoters;
Was now but seeking we may say,
A Needle in a Truss of Hay;
'Tis plain because the silly Elves,
Forgot to look among themselves;
For Watching, Warding, and Trainbanding,
Tho' Customs of an ancient standing;
Are thought by some but little better,
Than Mobing in another Nature;
Therefore whene'er those crafty Sirs,
That are the Cities Governours;
Think fit to raise their armed force,
All other Mobs must cease of course;
For those that Mob, like noisy Knaves,
Against the Law, with Clubs and Staves;
When the Drum beats, will gladly run
To Mob more safe with Sword and Gun.
Thus fill'd with Soldiers and with Warders;
95
In quest of the Rebellious Rout;
Resolving if they could but meet 'em,
To take 'em or at last to beat 'em;
But all their Searches were in vain,
The Mob were now Low-Church again;
And all the Jesuits and Priests,
Were safely crept into their Nests;
That looking out for High-Church Plotters,
And those that were the Rout's Promoters;
Was now but seeking we may say,
A Needle in a Truss of Hay;
'Tis plain because the silly Elves,
Forgot to look among themselves;
For Watching, Warding, and Trainbanding,
Tho' Customs of an ancient standing;
Are thought by some but little better,
Than Mobing in another Nature;
Therefore whene'er those crafty Sirs,
That are the Cities Governours;
Think fit to raise their armed force,
All other Mobs must cease of course;
96
Against the Law, with Clubs and Staves;
When the Drum beats, will gladly run
To Mob more safe with Sword and Gun.
CANTO IX. The Peoples Clamours at the Charge of Warding and Trainbanding.
Fresh
Clamours now arose about,
The Charge occasion'd by the Rout;
Which gave the Mod'rate Saints a Handle,
To Curse the Priest, Bell, Book and Candle;
Charging the long expensive guarding,
Their Double Watching, and their Warding
On him; when 'twas their Moderation
That gave the very first Occasion:
So Country Knaves that Love the Law,
Break their own Fence to have a Claw,
Against some Neighbour, and to pound
Whate'er they catch within their Ground.
The Charge occasion'd by the Rout;
Which gave the Mod'rate Saints a Handle,
To Curse the Priest, Bell, Book and Candle;
Charging the long expensive guarding,
Their Double Watching, and their Warding
On him; when 'twas their Moderation
That gave the very first Occasion:
So Country Knaves that Love the Law,
Break their own Fence to have a Claw,
97
Whate'er they catch within their Ground.
The Constables now rang'd their Wards,
To collect Mony for their Guards;
And huff'd and strutted at the Doors
Of all their Poor Parishioners;
Opprest the needy with Pretences,
Of being at such vast Expences;
That should their Pay be still more large,
It would not half defray the Charge;
When their own Pockets daily shar'd,
Much more than all their Drowsy Herd;
The Poor they hector'd to Complyance,
Whilst the Rich bid the Knaves Defiance;
And wisely knew the cunning Cheat,
Because themselves had practis'd it;
When in their Parishes they bore,
The self-same Office heretofore;
Thus always those that have the least
To guard themselves, are most opprest;
Whilst he that's Rich tho' ne'er so base,
Shall favour find in e'ery Case.
To collect Mony for their Guards;
And huff'd and strutted at the Doors
Of all their Poor Parishioners;
Opprest the needy with Pretences,
Of being at such vast Expences;
That should their Pay be still more large,
It would not half defray the Charge;
When their own Pockets daily shar'd,
Much more than all their Drowsy Herd;
The Poor they hector'd to Complyance,
Whilst the Rich bid the Knaves Defiance;
And wisely knew the cunning Cheat,
Because themselves had practis'd it;
When in their Parishes they bore,
The self-same Office heretofore;
Thus always those that have the least
To guard themselves, are most opprest;
98
Shall favour find in e'ery Case.
Long Staves were now set up by Scores,
Without side of their Watch-house Doors;
To make all those that chanc'd to view 'em
Believe they'd Men belonging to 'em;
When all the Feeble Parish Guard,
The careful Constable had hird,
Were four or five poor crazy Wretches,
Who scarce could crawl without their Crutches;
But wanted Staves to walk about,
Because they could not go without;
Yet Midnight Magistrate to gull
The Parish, make them pay their full,
As if their Watch and Ward were able,
To thrash the Jackets of the Rabble;
When they're too crazy in a Fray,
To stand, or yet to run away;
But if attack'd by three old Wives,
Must cry out Mercy for their Lives;
Therefore how grand a Cheat it is,
To pay for such a Guard as this;
Who in a dang'rous time of need,
Have neither Courage, Strength or Speed,
To help themselves or us, in case,
We want Assistance in Distress;
I therefore hope with all Submission,
'Twill not amount to a Digression;
If by the way I give a Sketch,
Of a true Smoak-dry'd City Watch.
Without side of their Watch-house Doors;
To make all those that chanc'd to view 'em
Believe they'd Men belonging to 'em;
When all the Feeble Parish Guard,
The careful Constable had hird,
Were four or five poor crazy Wretches,
Who scarce could crawl without their Crutches;
But wanted Staves to walk about,
Because they could not go without;
Yet Midnight Magistrate to gull
The Parish, make them pay their full,
As if their Watch and Ward were able,
To thrash the Jackets of the Rabble;
When they're too crazy in a Fray,
To stand, or yet to run away;
But if attack'd by three old Wives,
Must cry out Mercy for their Lives;
99
To pay for such a Guard as this;
Who in a dang'rous time of need,
Have neither Courage, Strength or Speed,
To help themselves or us, in case,
We want Assistance in Distress;
I therefore hope with all Submission,
'Twill not amount to a Digression;
If by the way I give a Sketch,
Of a true Smoak-dry'd City Watch.
They commonly consist of Fellows,
At first made Beggars by the Alehouse;
Where day by day they us'd to sot,
At All-fours, Cribidge or at Put;
And Range Moorfields sometimes to find,
A set of Ninepins to their Mind;
Or run a Mile to spend a day,
At Shovel-board, or such like play;
Till by their Guzling and Neglect
Of Work, for what they more affect;
They lose their Business, and at length
Their Credit, and when old their Strength;
Then when they're Crazy, stiff an Crippl'd,
Quite surfeited with Belch they've tippl'd,
And to the Parish must become,
Thro' Age and Weakness burthensome;
And have thro' carelessness been thrown
From Houses, once perhaps their own;
They're chose by the Parochial Powers,
To be a hopeful Guard to Ours;
When from their own they run away
By Night, not minding them by Day;
But who would trust a Bankrupt Knave,
Not worth a Groat, with all they have;
Or make him Guardian of his Child,
Whose own had by himself been spoil'd.
At first made Beggars by the Alehouse;
Where day by day they us'd to sot,
At All-fours, Cribidge or at Put;
And Range Moorfields sometimes to find,
A set of Ninepins to their Mind;
Or run a Mile to spend a day,
At Shovel-board, or such like play;
Till by their Guzling and Neglect
Of Work, for what they more affect;
100
Their Credit, and when old their Strength;
Then when they're Crazy, stiff an Crippl'd,
Quite surfeited with Belch they've tippl'd,
And to the Parish must become,
Thro' Age and Weakness burthensome;
And have thro' carelessness been thrown
From Houses, once perhaps their own;
They're chose by the Parochial Powers,
To be a hopeful Guard to Ours;
When from their own they run away
By Night, not minding them by Day;
But who would trust a Bankrupt Knave,
Not worth a Groat, with all they have;
Or make him Guardian of his Child,
Whose own had by himself been spoil'd.
Thus thro' Compassion when decay'd,
They're Staff and Lanthorn Champions made;
And now they take themselves to be
Strange Scarecrows of Authority;
Like Bats and Owls they shun the Light,
And prove most noisy in the Night;
In Holes and Cocklofts sleep by day,
And in the Dark look out for Prey;
Grow proud and saucy which they learn
Of Parish Beadle stiff and stern;
Sworn in a Constable to save
From Midnight Damps, some Wealthy Knave.
Who scorns the Wooden Chair of State,
That keeps the Bulbeef Magistrate,
From his Wife's warmer Arms so late.
They're Staff and Lanthorn Champions made;
And now they take themselves to be
Strange Scarecrows of Authority;
101
And prove most noisy in the Night;
In Holes and Cocklofts sleep by day,
And in the Dark look out for Prey;
Grow proud and saucy which they learn
Of Parish Beadle stiff and stern;
Sworn in a Constable to save
From Midnight Damps, some Wealthy Knave.
Who scorns the Wooden Chair of State,
That keeps the Bulbeef Magistrate,
From his Wife's warmer Arms so late.
When thus the Poor Nocturnal Elves,
Have got a Leader like themselves;
They triumph then at past Eleven
O'er all that to the Cup are given;
By saucy Provocations cause,
Mad drunken Rakes to break the Laws;
And by warm irritating Words,
Excite them to unsheath their Swords;
That when they scarce can stand alone,
Their Merc'less Staves may fetch 'em down;
Break their own Lanthorns to recover
More Damage when the Fray is over;
Then haul 'em in like Dogs before
The Hireling Deputy in Pow'r,
Who Knits his Magisterial Brow,
And after asking where and how;
Knocks his Staff hard upon the Floor,
And sternly crys, I'll hear no more;
What draw their Swords; go see 'em strait,
I charge you, in at Counter-Gate;
And I shall find a way to morrow,
To tame their Courage to their Sorrow;
Thus are they hurry'd over Night
By th' Watch, to Jayl by Candlelight;
And the next Day when brought before
Sir Grim, must pay for many more
Rash Oaths and Curses than they swore;
Nay, and make Good before they're freed,
Those Damages they never did;
Pay saucy Watch and Conywobble,
Full Satisfaction for their Trouble,
And so Good-morrow Mr. Bubble.
Have got a Leader like themselves;
They triumph then at past Eleven
O'er all that to the Cup are given;
By saucy Provocations cause,
Mad drunken Rakes to break the Laws;
And by warm irritating Words,
Excite them to unsheath their Swords;
That when they scarce can stand alone,
Their Merc'less Staves may fetch 'em down;
102
More Damage when the Fray is over;
Then haul 'em in like Dogs before
The Hireling Deputy in Pow'r,
Who Knits his Magisterial Brow,
And after asking where and how;
Knocks his Staff hard upon the Floor,
And sternly crys, I'll hear no more;
What draw their Swords; go see 'em strait,
I charge you, in at Counter-Gate;
And I shall find a way to morrow,
To tame their Courage to their Sorrow;
Thus are they hurry'd over Night
By th' Watch, to Jayl by Candlelight;
And the next Day when brought before
Sir Grim, must pay for many more
Rash Oaths and Curses than they swore;
Nay, and make Good before they're freed,
Those Damages they never did;
Pay saucy Watch and Conywobble,
Full Satisfaction for their Trouble,
And so Good-morrow Mr. Bubble.
103
These are the honest means they use,
Not to protect but to abuse;
Nor do they watch but with intent
To do those Ills they should prevent;
The Thieves in London seldom Rob
By Night, or undertake a Job,
But that they may the better do it,
They make a Watchman privy to it;
The Whore that plies at Tavern late,
And to her Lodging Carr's her Mate;
Is always with the Watch in see,
Within her stroling Liberty;
That she at Twelve or One may lead,
Some drunken Cully to her Bed;
Without the fear of being hurry'd
To have her sinful Back new curry'd:
So he that holds a gainful place,
Where Riches may be got apace;
Bribes him that is a Check upon him,
That when he once by Gold has won him,
He then may play the Knave securely,
Deceive and pinch the Publick hourly,
As many do that look demurely.
Not to protect but to abuse;
Nor do they watch but with intent
To do those Ills they should prevent;
The Thieves in London seldom Rob
By Night, or undertake a Job,
But that they may the better do it,
They make a Watchman privy to it;
The Whore that plies at Tavern late,
And to her Lodging Carr's her Mate;
Is always with the Watch in see,
Within her stroling Liberty;
That she at Twelve or One may lead,
Some drunken Cully to her Bed;
Without the fear of being hurry'd
To have her sinful Back new curry'd:
So he that holds a gainful place,
Where Riches may be got apace;
Bribes him that is a Check upon him,
That when he once by Gold has won him,
104
Deceive and pinch the Publick hourly,
As many do that look demurely.
CANTO X. The Disputes and Squabbles of different Parties in a Tavern-Kitchin.
When thus the Rabble were become
A Lawful Mob by Beat of Drum;
And many who by Pains and Sweatings,
Had gutted and until'd the Meetings;
Were now imploy'd as careful Warders
To hinder and suppress Disorders;
'Twas then all sides began to shew
Their Teeth, and their old spite renew;
And with invet'rate Tongues express,
Their Jarring Zeal and Eagerness;
Each Tavern-Kitchen where Old Sots
Were us'd to nod, o'er Half-pint Pots;
And Amicably chat together,
About the Wars, or else the Weather;
Grew now as noisy to the full,
As Billingsgate or Hockley-Hole;
When Fishwives in a Rage are prating,
Or when the Bull or Bear are baiting;
So Nations which have long been blest
With Ease, and Downy Peace possest;
By suddain Strife, and Tongue Contention,
Become the Nurs'ries of Dissention.
A Lawful Mob by Beat of Drum;
And many who by Pains and Sweatings,
Had gutted and until'd the Meetings;
Were now imploy'd as careful Warders
To hinder and suppress Disorders;
'Twas then all sides began to shew
Their Teeth, and their old spite renew;
And with invet'rate Tongues express,
Their Jarring Zeal and Eagerness;
Each Tavern-Kitchen where Old Sots
Were us'd to nod, o'er Half-pint Pots;
105
About the Wars, or else the Weather;
Grew now as noisy to the full,
As Billingsgate or Hockley-Hole;
When Fishwives in a Rage are prating,
Or when the Bull or Bear are baiting;
So Nations which have long been blest
With Ease, and Downy Peace possest;
By suddain Strife, and Tongue Contention,
Become the Nurs'ries of Dissention.
In a warm Corner near the Rang,
Sits one, perhaps, just come from Change;
Who when he speaks is proud to show,
If he's of any Church, 'tis Low;
No sooner has he drank a Glass,
But to proclaim himself an Ass;
The Rev'rend Doctor to be sure,
Must be revil'd for Half an Hour;
And fifty Lies let loose to Blacken
The Man they had so much Mistaken;
Hoping, in vain, by such Discourse,
To make his Cause appear the worse;
And thro' his Sides to wound the Church;
Th' Apostate Tool had left ith' Lurch;
So he who leaves a Virtuous Wife,
To indulge a loose and Vitious Life,
Tho' she be prudent, Just and Holy,
Will charge his Baseness on her Folly.
Sits one, perhaps, just come from Change;
Who when he speaks is proud to show,
If he's of any Church, 'tis Low;
No sooner has he drank a Glass,
But to proclaim himself an Ass;
The Rev'rend Doctor to be sure,
Must be revil'd for Half an Hour;
And fifty Lies let loose to Blacken
The Man they had so much Mistaken;
106
To make his Cause appear the worse;
And thro' his Sides to wound the Church;
Th' Apostate Tool had left ith' Lurch;
So he who leaves a Virtuous Wife,
To indulge a loose and Vitious Life,
Tho' she be prudent, Just and Holy,
Will charge his Baseness on her Folly.
Perhaps another Hungry Sinner,
Preferring Bus'ness to his Dinner;
Has got before him for Relief,
A Cutlet, or a Steak of Beef,
To stay his Craving Stomach till
He marches Home t'a better Meal;
But being highly pleas'd to hear,
What mighty Crimes were made appear,
Against the Man at whom they Level'd
Their Spite, as if they were Bedevil'd;
His swelling Malice and his Heat,
Scarce gives him time to chew his Meat;
But some Opprobrious Word's between
Each bit, must ease his rising Spleen;
Now down one hasty Mouthful goes,
Then up some envious Lie he throws;
Till betwixt eating fast and Lying
He's Choak'd with Food, and Falsifying:
So she wh' against her Spouse Rebels,
And Scolds and Chatters at her Meals;
When she's inclin'd to make a Fraction,
Will rather lose the Satisfaction
Of eating peaceably in silence,
Than Curb her Tongue, and check her Vi'lence.
Preferring Bus'ness to his Dinner;
Has got before him for Relief,
A Cutlet, or a Steak of Beef,
To stay his Craving Stomach till
He marches Home t'a better Meal;
But being highly pleas'd to hear,
What mighty Crimes were made appear,
Against the Man at whom they Level'd
Their Spite, as if they were Bedevil'd;
His swelling Malice and his Heat,
Scarce gives him time to chew his Meat;
107
Each bit, must ease his rising Spleen;
Now down one hasty Mouthful goes,
Then up some envious Lie he throws;
Till betwixt eating fast and Lying
He's Choak'd with Food, and Falsifying:
So she wh' against her Spouse Rebels,
And Scolds and Chatters at her Meals;
When she's inclin'd to make a Fraction,
Will rather lose the Satisfaction
Of eating peaceably in silence,
Than Curb her Tongue, and check her Vi'lence.
A Third, perhaps, takes this Occasion
Of setting forth what Veneration
He has for that Learn'd Guide that writ,
To shew his Head, in spite of Wit,
As weak and crazy as his Feet;
Crying alas, 'twas wondrous hard,
Such Merit should have no Reward;
For giving to the People more
Than even God had given before;
And for discov'ring to Mankind,
Those Truths we in no Scripture find;
Affirming Crowns were first bestow'd,
Not by Good Heav'n, but by the Croud;
That from their Voice all Pow'r descended,
And on their Whimsies still depended;
So crafty Scholars may by force
Of Logick, prove a Man a Horse;
But when they've done, he is no more
A Horse or Gelding than before.
Of setting forth what Veneration
He has for that Learn'd Guide that writ,
To shew his Head, in spite of Wit,
As weak and crazy as his Feet;
Crying alas, 'twas wondrous hard,
Such Merit should have no Reward;
For giving to the People more
Than even God had given before;
108
Those Truths we in no Scripture find;
Affirming Crowns were first bestow'd,
Not by Good Heav'n, but by the Croud;
That from their Voice all Pow'r descended,
And on their Whimsies still depended;
So crafty Scholars may by force
Of Logick, prove a Man a Horse;
But when they've done, he is no more
A Horse or Gelding than before.
Next these perhaps the surly Spawn
Of some Rebellious Puritan;
Whose Heath'nish Principles unbounded,
Declare him to be truly Roundhead;
Sits growling o'er his Wine alone,
Like a Curs'd Mastiff o'er a Bone;
Expressing e'ery thing he says,
In true Fanatick Calv's-head Phrase;
Railing at Bishops and at Kings,
As Popish Antichristian Things;
As if he thought the strength of Reason,
Consisted in Notorious Treason;
And that it gave convincing Force,
To his dull scandalous Discourse;
So she that from the Brewhouse brings
Small Tiff in Tub's that hang on Sliings,
Believes the louder still she Scolds,
The stronger Argument she holds;
And that the greater noise she makes,
The more she to the Purpose Speaks.
Of some Rebellious Puritan;
Whose Heath'nish Principles unbounded,
Declare him to be truly Roundhead;
Sits growling o'er his Wine alone,
Like a Curs'd Mastiff o'er a Bone;
Expressing e'ery thing he says,
In true Fanatick Calv's-head Phrase;
Railing at Bishops and at Kings,
As Popish Antichristian Things;
109
Consisted in Notorious Treason;
And that it gave convincing Force,
To his dull scandalous Discourse;
So she that from the Brewhouse brings
Small Tiff in Tub's that hang on Sliings,
Believes the louder still she Scolds,
The stronger Argument she holds;
And that the greater noise she makes,
The more she to the Purpose Speaks.
Among these Church and Monarch Haters,
Perhaps a brace of Moderators
Sit tippling as we oft have seen 'em,
With little Buffet-stool between 'em;
These are the Janus looking Fools
The Faction work with as their Tools,
Who with Church Discipline Concede,
Yet strongly for Dissenters plead;
And for the sake of Peace and Union;
Altho' they're of the Church Communion;
Comply with e'ery thing that shows
They're Friends to them that are her Foes,
And prove ill enemies to such,
As they think love the Church too much;
Rail at those Men who venture most,
To save her when in Storms she's tost;
And on their Shoulders lay the blame,
Of others that deserve the shame;
Join with the Saints in Tavern Squabbles,
To pelt 'em down with Lies and Fables;
And with impatient Warmth decry,
Their Vertue and Integrity;
Yet can with wondrous Zeal assert,
They Love the Church with all their Heart;
Tho' they serve God but little better,
Than those that think there's no Creator;
So Libertines we find will swear
Much Love unto the Spotless Fair;
When all their Ends are to deceive 'em,
First to debauch 'em, then to leave 'em:
So those who stile themselves the Low,
To Church instead of Meeting go,
Only to bend Her to their Bow.
Perhaps a brace of Moderators
Sit tippling as we oft have seen 'em,
With little Buffet-stool between 'em;
These are the Janus looking Fools
The Faction work with as their Tools,
Who with Church Discipline Concede,
Yet strongly for Dissenters plead;
And for the sake of Peace and Union;
Altho' they're of the Church Communion;
110
They're Friends to them that are her Foes,
And prove ill enemies to such,
As they think love the Church too much;
Rail at those Men who venture most,
To save her when in Storms she's tost;
And on their Shoulders lay the blame,
Of others that deserve the shame;
Join with the Saints in Tavern Squabbles,
To pelt 'em down with Lies and Fables;
And with impatient Warmth decry,
Their Vertue and Integrity;
Yet can with wondrous Zeal assert,
They Love the Church with all their Heart;
Tho' they serve God but little better,
Than those that think there's no Creator;
So Libertines we find will swear
Much Love unto the Spotless Fair;
When all their Ends are to deceive 'em,
First to debauch 'em, then to leave 'em:
111
To Church instead of Meeting go,
Only to bend Her to their Bow.
Among this Kitchin Crowd of Sinners,
Who love to be the Warm Beginners
Of such Disputes, from whence arise,
Hard Words and Animosities;
Perhaps there sit some Friends that show
Themselves as high as th' other Low;
Who hating the Fanatick short-pot
Are gather'd round the noble Quart-pot;
That they may Drink a Health to those
Who love the Church, and not her Foes;
And wish Conversion unto all,
Who strive in vain to Work her fall;
Yet shew as great a Detestation,
Of Pope and Popish Innovation,
As any down-look'd Son of Grace
That wears his Conscience in his Face;
And fills his Breast where that should be,
With Malice and Hypocrisy;
So a close Stool with Cedar Case,
May for a Nest of Drawers pass;
But if you look within you'l find,
'Tis but with Odious Balsam lin'd;
And tho' without set off and painted,
It is not what it represented.
Who love to be the Warm Beginners
Of such Disputes, from whence arise,
Hard Words and Animosities;
Perhaps there sit some Friends that show
Themselves as high as th' other Low;
Who hating the Fanatick short-pot
Are gather'd round the noble Quart-pot;
That they may Drink a Health to those
Who love the Church, and not her Foes;
And wish Conversion unto all,
Who strive in vain to Work her fall;
Yet shew as great a Detestation,
Of Pope and Popish Innovation,
As any down-look'd Son of Grace
That wears his Conscience in his Face;
And fills his Breast where that should be,
With Malice and Hypocrisy;
112
May for a Nest of Drawers pass;
But if you look within you'l find,
'Tis but with Odious Balsam lin'd;
And tho' without set off and painted,
It is not what it represented.
When thus the Tavern-Kitchen's throng'd,
With Men so differently tongu'd;
Some tipling Claret, others Whitewine,
In both but very little Rightwine:
No sooner does God Bacchus steal,
Into their Brains and warm their Zeal,
But each sets up himself to be
Down right Infallibility;
And talks as if he was at least,
A Judge, a Statesman, or a Priest;
And that he knew much more than they,
Whom 'twas his Duty to obey;
One in the Scriptures would be dabbling;
And about saving Grace be squabbling;
Till he had o'er his Pipe and Pint,
Knock'd all Religion out of Joint;
And turn'd his Saintlike Moderation,
To Madness, Folly, Spite and Passion;
So she that does her Vices skreen,
With Puritannick Dress and Mein;
And shews us in her study'd Face,
Dissembled Modesty and Grace;
Warm her with Wine and you'll discover,
The Saint to be a Whore all over;
For no designing Knave or Lass
Can stand the Test of Bowl or Glass.
With Men so differently tongu'd;
Some tipling Claret, others Whitewine,
In both but very little Rightwine:
No sooner does God Bacchus steal,
Into their Brains and warm their Zeal,
But each sets up himself to be
Down right Infallibility;
And talks as if he was at least,
A Judge, a Statesman, or a Priest;
And that he knew much more than they,
Whom 'twas his Duty to obey;
One in the Scriptures would be dabbling;
And about saving Grace be squabbling;
113
Knock'd all Religion out of Joint;
And turn'd his Saintlike Moderation,
To Madness, Folly, Spite and Passion;
So she that does her Vices skreen,
With Puritannick Dress and Mein;
And shews us in her study'd Face,
Dissembled Modesty and Grace;
Warm her with Wine and you'll discover,
The Saint to be a Whore all over;
For no designing Knave or Lass
Can stand the Test of Bowl or Glass.
A second then with spiteful Mouth,
Most gravely tells you for a Truth;
That the late rising of the Rout,
Does plainly prove, beyond all doubt,
To be a Wicked Popish Plot,
Contriv'd by a Rebellious Knot
Of Papists harb'ring in the Nation,
To spoil the Peace in Agitation;
That the High Church did also Join
To carry on the Grand Design;
And that five Jesuits who were known,
Were seen to lead the Rabble on;
And to excite 'em to go thro'
The Mischiefs they had then in view;
And that for certain some we'd taken,
Would tell the Truth to save their Bacon;
Thus Bastard Mischief never wants
A Father here whilst we have Saints;
Who always swear the Wicked Brat,
Upon the Party that they hate.
Most gravely tells you for a Truth;
That the late rising of the Rout,
Does plainly prove, beyond all doubt,
To be a Wicked Popish Plot,
Contriv'd by a Rebellious Knot
Of Papists harb'ring in the Nation,
To spoil the Peace in Agitation;
114
To carry on the Grand Design;
And that five Jesuits who were known,
Were seen to lead the Rabble on;
And to excite 'em to go thro'
The Mischiefs they had then in view;
And that for certain some we'd taken,
Would tell the Truth to save their Bacon;
Thus Bastard Mischief never wants
A Father here whilst we have Saints;
Who always swear the Wicked Brat,
Upon the Party that they hate.
A Third Man in a mighty Passion,
Forgetting all his Moderation;
Charges the Rising of the Mob,
Point blank upon the Holy Robe;
And consequently does not fail,
To maul the Doctor Tooth and Nail;
And with much Pleasure Jirks the Church,
As if his Words were Rods of Birch;
Yet all the time that he's so warm,
Will cry he means the Church no harm;
So the Base Coward have I heard
Abuse the very Man he'as feard
Behind his Back, and yet pretend,
In the same Breath to be his Friend.
Forgetting all his Moderation;
Charges the Rising of the Mob,
Point blank upon the Holy Robe;
And consequently does not fail,
To maul the Doctor Tooth and Nail;
And with much Pleasure Jirks the Church,
As if his Words were Rods of Birch;
115
Will cry he means the Church no harm;
So the Base Coward have I heard
Abuse the very Man he'as feard
Behind his Back, and yet pretend,
In the same Breath to be his Friend.
At length the High Church take Offence
At so much wild Impertinence;
And with a stern and manly heat,
Their Low Church Argument defeat;
Now Pro and Con they Talk and Rattle,
Till their warm Words presage a Battle;
Provoking Healths two are begun
To spur the growing Contest on;
And large Confronting Bumpers pass
To shew their Spite in e'ery Glass;
Till at length Drunk and Mad between,
The heat of Wine, and that of Spleen;
Their mutual Rancour fiercer grows,
And then they fall from Words to Blows;
One with a stout S---l Cuff,
Soon gives his Low Church Foe enough;
Another High Church Friend as proudly,
Subdues a Saint that cry'd up H---y;
Thus those who by reviling first
Begot the Fray, came off by th' worst;
And stood convinc'd their Cause was bad,
By the shrewd Knocks and Thumps they had;
For Blows we find sometimes prevail,
When other Arguments shall fail;
As Laws severe, well us'd in Season,
Convince the stubborn more than Reason.
At so much wild Impertinence;
And with a stern and manly heat,
Their Low Church Argument defeat;
Now Pro and Con they Talk and Rattle,
Till their warm Words presage a Battle;
Provoking Healths two are begun
To spur the growing Contest on;
And large Confronting Bumpers pass
To shew their Spite in e'ery Glass;
Till at length Drunk and Mad between,
The heat of Wine, and that of Spleen;
116
And then they fall from Words to Blows;
One with a stout S---l Cuff,
Soon gives his Low Church Foe enough;
Another High Church Friend as proudly,
Subdues a Saint that cry'd up H---y;
Thus those who by reviling first
Begot the Fray, came off by th' worst;
And stood convinc'd their Cause was bad,
By the shrewd Knocks and Thumps they had;
For Blows we find sometimes prevail,
When other Arguments shall fail;
As Laws severe, well us'd in Season,
Convince the stubborn more than Reason.
FINIS.
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