 | Al Fooles |  |
AGTVS QVINTI:
SCENA PRIMA.
Rinaldosolus.
Fortune the great commandresse of the world,
Hath diuers wayes to aduance her followers:
To some she giues honour without deseruing,
To other some deseruing without honour,
Some wit, some wealth: and some wit without wealth:
Some wealth without wit, some, nor wit nor wealth
But good smocke-faces: or some qualities,
by nature without iudgement, with the which
They liue in sensuall acceptation,
My fortune is to winne renowne by Gulling,
Gostanzo, Darioto, and Cornelio:
All which suppose in all their different kindes,
Their witts entyre, and in themselues no piece,
All at one blow; my helmet yet vnbruisde,
I haue vnhorst, laid flat on earth for Guls;
Now in what taking poore Cornelio is,
Betwixt his large diuorce, and no diuorce,
I long to see, and what he will resolue:
I lay my life he cannot chew his meate,
And lookes much like an Ape had swallowed pilles,
And all this comes of bootelesse iealousie:
And see where bootlesse iealousie appeares.
Enter Cornel.
Ile bourd him straight; how now Cornelio?
Are you resolu'd on the diuorce or no?
Cor.
What's that to you? looke to your owne affaires,
The time requires it; are not you engag'd
In some bonds forfeit for Valerio?
Rinal.
Yes, what of that?
Corn.
Why so am I my selfe,
And both our dangers great, he is arrested
On a recognizance, by a vsuring slaue.
Rinal.
Arrested? I am sorry with my hart,
It is a matter may import me much,
May not our bayle suffize to free him thinke you?
Cor.
I thinke it may, but I must not be seene in't,
Nor would I wish you, for we both are parties,
And liker faire to bring our selues in trouble,
Then beare him out: I haue already made
Meanes to the officers to sequester him
In priuate for a time, till some in secret
Might make his Father vnderstand his state,
Who would perhaps take present order for him,
Rather then suffer him t'endure the shame
Of his imprisonment; Now, would you but goe
And breake the matter closely to his Father,
(As you can wisely doo't) and bring him to him,
And to keepe off a shrowd blow from our selues.
Rinal.
I know his Father will be moou'd past measure.
Corn.
Nay if you stand on such nice ceremonies,
Farewell our substance: Extreame diseases
Aske extreame remedies better he should storme
Some little time, then we be beate for euer
Vnder the horred shelter of a prison,
Rinal.
Where is the place?
Corn.
Tis at the halfe Moone Tauerne,
Hast, for the matter will abide no staye.
Rin.
Heauen send my speed be equall with my hast.
Exit.
Corn.
Goe shallow scholler, you that make all Guls,
You that can out-see cleere-ey'd ieolousie,
Yet make this slight a Milstone, where your braine
Sticks in the midst amazd: This Gull to him
And to his fellow Guller, shall become
More bitter then their baiting of my humour:
Heere at this Tauerne shall Gostanzo finde,
Fortuuio, Darioto, Claudio,
And amongst them, the ring leader his sonne
His husband, and his Saint Valerio,
That knowes not of what fashion Dice are made,
Nor euer yet lookt towards are Lettice,
(Thinkes his blinde Sire) at drinking and at Dice,
Withall their wenches, and at full discouer
His owne grose folly, and his sonnes distempers,
And both shall know (although I be no scholler)
Yet I haue thus much Latin, as to say
Iam sumus ergo pares.
Exit.
Enter Valerio, Fortunio, Claudio, Page, Grat: Gazetta, Bellanora. A Drawer or two, setting a Table.
Val.
Set me the Table heere, we will shift roomes,
To see if Fortune will shift chances with vs:
Sit Ladies, sit, Fortunio place thy wench,
I wonder where that neate spruce slaue becomes:
I thinke he was some Barbers sonne by th' masse,
Tis such a picked fellow, not a haire
About his whole Bulke, but it stands in print,
Each Pinne hath his due place, not any point,
But hath his perfect tie, fashion, and grace,
A thing whose soule is specially imployde
In knowing where best Gloues, best Stockings, Wasecotes,
Curiously wrought are solde; sacks Milleners shops
For all new tyres and fashions, and can tell yee
What new deuices of all sorts there are:
And that there is not in the whole Rialto,
But one new-fashion'd Wast-cote, or one Night-cap,
One paire of Gloues, pretty or well perfum'd,
And from a paire of Gloues of halfe a crowne,
To twenty crownes: will to a very scute
Smell out the price: and for these womanly parts
He is esteem'd a witty Gentleman.
Fortunio.
See where he comes.
Enter Darioto.
Dari.
God saue you louely Ladies.
Val.
I well said louely Paris, your wall eye,
Must euer first be gloting on mens wiues,
You thinke to come vpon vs, being halfe drunke,
And so to part the freshest man amongst vs,
But you shall ouer-take vs, Ile be sworne.
Dario.
Tush man where are your dice? lets fall to them.
Clau.
We haue bin at am, Drawer, call for more.
Vale.
First lets haue Wine, Dice haue no perfect edge,
Without the liquid whetstone of the Sirrope.
Fort.
True, and to welcome Darioto's latenes,
He shall (vnpledg'd) carouze one crowned cup
To all these Ladies health.
Dari.
I am well pleasd.
Val.
Come on, let vs varie our sweete time
With sundry excercises, Boy? Tabacco.
And Drawer, you must get vs musique too,
Calls in a cleanly noyse, the slaues grow lowzy.
You shall haue such as we can get you sir.
Exit.
Dariot.
Let's haue some Dice: I pray thee, they are clenly.
Ual.
Page, Let mee see that Leafe?
Page.
It is not Leafe Sir, Tis pudding cane Tabacco:
Val.
But I meane, your Linstock sir, what leafe is that I pray
Page.
I pray you see sir, for I cannot read.
Ual.
Sfoote a rancke stincking Satyre: this had been
Enough to haue poysned euerie man of vs.
Dari.
And now you speake of that, my Boy once lighted
A pipe of Cane Tabacco with a peece
Of a vild Ballad, and Ile sweare I had
A singing in my head a whole weeke after.
Ual.
Well, th'old verse is, A potibus incipe io-c.um.
Enter Drawer with Wine and a Cupp.
Uall.
Drawer, fill out this Gentlemans Carowse,
And harden him for our societie.
Dariot.
Well Ladies heere is to your honourd healths.
For.
What Dariotto, without hat or knee?
Ual.
Well said Fortunio, O y'are a rare Courtier,
Your knee good Signior, I beseech your knee.
Dariot.
Nay pray you, lets take it by degrees Ualerio; on our
feete first, for this will bring's too soone vpon our knees.
Vall.
Sir, there are no degrees of order in a Tauerne,
Heere you must, I chargd yee runne all a head,
Slight, Courtier, downe;
I hope you are no Elephant, you haue Ioynts?
Dari.
Well Sir, heere's to the Ladies on my knees.
Vall.
Ile be their pledge.
Enter Gostanzo & Rinaldo.
Fort.
Not yet Valerio,
This hee must drinke vnpledgd.
Uall.
Hee shall not, I will giue him this aduantage.
Gost.
How now? whats heere? are these the Officers?
Rin.
Slight, I would all were well.
Enter Cornelio.
Uall.
Heere is his pledge:
Heere's to our common friend Cornelioes health.
Health to Gazetta, Poyson to her husband.
He kneeles.
Cor.
Excellent Guestes: these are my dayly Guestes.
Ual.
Drawer make euen th'impartiall skales of Iustice,
Giue it to Claudio, and from him fill round.
Come Dariotto, sett mee, let mee rest,
Come in when they haue done the Ladyes right.
Gost.
Sett mee, doe you know what belongs to setting?
Rin.
What a dull slaue was I to be thus gull'd.
Cor.
Why Rinald, what meant you to intrap your friend,
And bring his Father to this spectacle?
You are a friend in deed.
Rin.
Tis verie good Sir,
Perhaps my friend, or I, before wee part,
May make euen with you.
Fort.
Come, lets sett him round.
Uall.
Doe so: at all. A plague vpon these Dice.
Another health, sfoote I shall haue no lucke,
Till I be druncke: come on, heere's to the comfort,
The Caualier my Father should take in mee,
If he now saw mee, and would do me right.
Fort.
Ile pledge it, and his health Valerio.
Gost.
Heere's a good Husband.
Rin.
I pray you haue patience Sir.
Val.
Now haue at all, an'twere a thousand pound.
Gost.
Hold Sir, I barr the Dice.
Val.
What Sir, are you there?
Fill's a fresh pottle, by this light, Sir Knight,
You shall do right.
Enter Marc. Ant.
Gost.
O thou vngratious villaine,
Come, come, wee shall haue you now thunder foorth
Some of your thriftie sentences, as grauely:
For as much Valerius as euery thing has time, and a Pudding
has two: yet ought not satisfaction to swerue so much from
defalcation of well dispos'd people, as that indemnitie
should preiudice what securitie doth insinuate: a tryall yet
once againe.
Heere's a good sight, y'are well encountred sir,
Did not I tell you you'd oreshoote your selfe
With too much wisedome.
Val.
Sir, your wisest do so.
Fill the old man some wine.
Gost.
Heere's a good Infant.
Marc.
Why Sir: Ahlas Ile wager with your wisedome,
His consorts drew him to it, for of him selfe
He is both vertuous, bashfull, innocent:
Comes not at Cittie: knowes no Cittie Art,
But plies your Husbandrie; dares not view a Wench.
Ual.
Father, hee comes vpon you.
Gost.
Heere's a Sonne.
Marc.
Whose wife is Gratiana now I pray?
Gost.
Sing your old song no more, your braine's too short
To reach into these pollicies.
Marc.
Tis true,
Mine eyes soone blinded: and your selfe would say so,
If you knew all: Where lodg'd your Sonne last night?
Doe you know that with all your pollicie?
Gost.
Youle say he lodg'd with you, and did not I
Foretell you: all this must for cullour sake
Be brought about, onely to blinde your eyes?
Marc.
By heauen I chaunc't this morne, I know not why
To passe by Gratianas bed-chamber,
And whom saw I fast by her naked side,
But your Ualerio?
Gost.
Had you not warning giuen?
Did not I bidd you watch my Courtier well,
Or hee would set a Crest a your Sonnes head?
Marc.
That was not all, for by them on a stoole,
My Sonne sate laughing, to see you so gull'd,
Gost.
Tis too too plaine.
Mar.
Why Sir, do you suspect it the more for that?
Gost.
Suspect it? is there any
So grosse a wittoll, as if t'were his wife,
Mar.
Why not Sir, To blind my eyes?
Gost.
Well Sir, I was deceiu'd,
But I shall make it prooue a deare deceipt to the deceiuer.
Rin.
Nay Sir, lets not haue
A new infliction, set on an old fault:
Hee did confesse his fault vpon his knees,
You pardned it, and swore twas from your hart.
Gost.
Swore; a great peece of worke, the wretch shall know
I haue a Daughter heere to giue my land too,
Ile giue my Daughter all: the prodigall
Shall not haue one poore House to hide his head in.
Fort.
I humblie thanke you Sir, and vow all duetie
My life can yeelde you.
Gost.
Why are you so thankfull?
Fort.
For giuing to your Daughter all your Lands,
Who is my Wife, and so you gaue them mee.
Gost.
Better, and better.
Fort.
Pray Sir be not moou'd,
You drew mee kindlie to your house, and gaue mee
Accesse to woe your Daughter, whom I lou'd:
And since (by honord mariage) made my wife.
Gost.
Now all my Choller flie out in your witts:
Good trickes of Youth y'faith, no Indecorum,
Knights sonne, Knights daughter; Marc. Antonio
Giue mee your hand, There is no remedie,
Mariage is euer made by Destenie.
Rin.
Scilence my Maisters, now heere all are pleas'd,
Onelie but Cornelio: who lackes but perswasion
To reconcile himselfe to his faire wife:
Good Sir will you (of all men our best speaker)
Perswade him to receiue her into grace?
Gost.
That I will gladlie, and he shalbe rul'd good Cornelio:
I haue heard of your wayward Ielosie, and I must tell you
plaine as a friend, y'are an Asse: you must pardon me, I knew
your Father.
Then you must pardon him, indeed Sir.
Gost.
Vnderstand mee: put case Dariotto lou'd your wife,
whereby you would seeme to refuse her; would you desire
to haue such a Wife as no man could loue but your selfe?
Mar.
Answere but that Cornelio.
Gost.
Vnderstand mee: Say Dariotto hath kist your wife,
or perform'd other offices of that nature, whereby they
did conuerse togeather at bedd and at boord, as friendes
may seeme to doe:
Mar.
Marke but the now vnderstand mee.
Gost.
Yet if there come no proofes, but that her actions
were cleanlie, or indiscreete priuate, why t'was a signe of
modestie: and will you blow the Horne your selfe, when
you may keepe it to your selfe? Goe to, you are a Foole,
vnderstand mee?
Val.
Doe vnderstand him Cornelio.
Gost.
Nay Cornalio I tell you againe, I knew your Father;
Hee was a wise Gentleman, and so was your Mother: mee
thinkes I see her yet, a lustie stoute Woman, bore great Children,
you were the verie skundrell of am all; but let that
passe: As for your Mother, shee was wise, a most flippant
tongue she had, and could set out her Taile with as good
grace as any shee in Florence, come cut and long-tayle; and
she was honest enough too: But yet by your leaue she would
tickle Dob now and then, as well as the best on am; By
Ioue it's true Cornelio, I speake it not to flatter you: your Father
knew it well enough, and would he do as you do thinke
you? set Rascalles to vndermine her, or looke to her water,
(as they say)? No, when he saw twas but her humour (for his
owne quietnesse sake) hee made a Backe-doore to his house
for conuenience, gott a Bell to his fore doore, and had an
odd fashion in ringing, by which shee and her Mayde knew
him; and would stand talking to his next neighbour to prolong
time, that all thinges might be ridde clenly out a the
way before he came, for the credite of his Wife: This was
wisedome now, for a mans owne quiet.
Heere was a man Cornelio.
Gost.
What I say? Young men thinke old men are fooles;
but old men know young men are fooles.
Cor.
Why harke you, you two Knights; Doe you thinke I
will forsake Gazetta?
Gost.
And will you not?
Cor.
Why theer's your wisedome; why did I make shew
of Diuorce thinke you?
Marc.
Pray you why Sir?
Cor.
Onelie to bridle her stout stomack: and how did I
draw on the cullour for my diuorce? I did traine the Woodcocke
Dariotto into the net, drew him to my house, gaue him
opportunitie with my wife (as you say my Father dealt with
his wiues friendes) onely to traine him in: let him alone with
my wife in her bed-chamber; and sometimes founde him a
bedd with her, and went my way backe againe softlie, onelie
to draw him into the Pitte.
Gost.
This was well handled in deed Cornelio.
Marc.
I marrie Sir, now I commend your wisedome.
Corn.
Why, if I had been so minded as you thinke, I could
haue flung his Pantable downe the staires, or doone him
some other disgrace: but I winckt at it, and drew on the good
foole more and more, onelie to bring him within my compasse.
Gost.
Why, this was pollicie in graine.
Cor.
And now shal the world see I am as wise as my father.
Ual.
Is't come to this? then will I make a speech in praise
of this reconcilement, including therein the praise and honor
of the most fashionable and autenticall HORNE: stande
close Gentles, and be silent.
He gets into a chaire.
Gost.
Come on, lets heare his wit in this potable humour.
Ualerio.
The course of the world (like the life of man) is said to
be deuided into seuerall ages: As wee into Infancie,
Childhood, Youth, and so forward to Old-age: So the
World into the Golden age, the Siluer, the Brasse, the
age, which wee tearme the Horned age: not that but former
ages haue inioyde this benefite as well as our times; but that
in ours it is more common, and neuerthelesse pretious. It is
said, that in the Golden age of the world, the vse of Gold was
not then knowne: an argument of the simplicitie of that age,
least therefore succeeding ages should hereafter impute the
same fault to vs, which wee lay vpon the first age; that wee
liuing in the Horned age of the world, should not vnderstand
the vse, the vertue, the honour, and the very royaltie
of the Horne; I will in briefe sound the prayses thereof, that
they who are alreadie in possession of it, may beare their
heades aloft, as beeing proud of such loftie a cowtrementes:
And they that are but in possibilitie, may be rauisht with a
desire to be in possession.
A Trophey so honorable, and vnmatchably powerfull,
that it is able to raise any man from a Beggar to an Emperours
fellow, a Dukes fellow, a Noble-mans fellow, Aldermans
fellow; so glorious, that it deserues to be worne (by most
opinions) in the most conspicuous place about a man: For
what worthier Crest can you beare then the Horne? which
if it might be seene with our mortall eyes, what a wonderfull
spectacle would there be? and how highly they would rauish
the beholders? But their substaunce is incorporall, not falling
vnder sence, nor mixt of the grosse concretion of Elementes,
but a quintessence beyond them; a spirituall essence inuisible,
and euerlasting.
And this hath been the cause that many men haue called
their beeing in question, whether there be such a thing in
rerum natura, or not; because they are not to be seene: as
though nothing were that were not to be seene? Who euer
saw the Winde? yet what wonderfull effectes are seene of it?
It driues the cloudes, yet no man sees it: It rockes the House,
beares downe Trees, Castles, Steeples, yet who sees it? In
like sort does your Horne, it swelles the Forehead, yet none
sees it: it rockes the Cradle, yet none sees it: so that you
to any mans sence, seemes to be Horned; yet who knowes
not the Moone to be euer perfectly round: So likewise your
Heades seemes euer to be round, when in deed they are oftentimes
Horned: for their originall, it is vnsearchable: Naturall
they are not; for there is Beast borne with Hornes, more
then with Teeth: Created they were not, for Ex nihilo nihil
sit; Then will you aske mee, How came they into the world?
I know not; but I am sure Women brought them into this
part of the world, howsoeuer some Doctors are of opinion
that they came in with the Diuell: and not vnlike; for, as the
Diuell brought Sinne into the worlde; but the Woman
brought it to the Man: so it may very well be that the Diuell
brought Hornes into the world; but the Woman brought
them to the man,
For their power it is generall ouer the world, no Nation
so barbarous, no Countrey so proude, but doth equall homage
to the Horne. Europa when shee was carried through
the Sea by the Saturnian Bull, was said (for feare of falling) to
haue held by the Horne: and what is this but a plaine shewing
to vs, that all Europa, which tooke name from that Europa,
should likewise hold by the Horne: So that I say, it is vniuersall
ouer the face of the world, general ouer the face of Europe,
and common ouer the face of this Countrey. What Cittie,
what Towne, what Village, what Streete? nay what House
can quit it selfe of this prerogatiue? I haue read that the Lion
once made a Proclamation through all the Forrest, that all
Horned Beastes should depart foorthwith vpon paine of
death: If this Proclamation should be made through our
Forrest, Lord what pressing, what running, what flying,
would there be euen from all the parts of it? he that had but a
bunch of Flesh in his head would away: and some foolishly
fearefull, would imagine the shadow of his Eares to be
Hornes: Ahlas how desart would this Forrest be left?
To conclude for there force it is ineuitable, for were they not
irreuitable, then might eyther propernesse of person secure a
man, or wisedome preuent am; or greatnesse exempt, or riches
redeeme them, but present experience hath taught vs, that in
this case, all these stand in no steade: for we see the properst
men take part of them, the best wits cannot auoide them (for
then should Poets be no cuckolds) nor can money redeeme
them, for then would rich-men fine for their hornes, as they do
for offices: But this is held for a maxime, that there are more
rich cuckolds then poore, lastly for continuance of the home
it is vndeterminable till death: Neither doe they determine
with the wiues death, (howsoeuer ignorant writers holde opinion
they doe) For as when a knight dies, his Ladie still retaines
the title of Ladie; when a company is cast yet the
Captaine still retaines the title of Captaine; So though the
wife die by whom this title came to her husband, yet by the
curtesie of the City, he shalbe a cuckold during life, let all ignorant
asses prate what they lift.
Gost.
Notable wag, come sir shake hands with him,
In whose high honour you haue made this speech:
Mar Ant.
And you sir come, ioyne hands, y'are one amongst thē.
Gost.
Very well done, now take your seuerall wiues,
And spred like wilde-geese, though you now grow tame:
Liue merily together and agree,
Hornor cannot be kept off with iealousie.
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