 | CHAPTER VIII. The monikins |  |
8. CHAPTER VIII.
Political boundaries—Political rights—Political selections,
and political disquisitions; with political results.
The aquatic mile-stones of the monikin seas have
been already mentioned; but I believe I omitted
to say, that there was a line of demarcation drawn
in the water, by means of a similar invention, to
point out the limits of the jurisdiction of each state.
Thus, all within these water-marks, was under the
laws of Leaphigh; all between them and those of
some other country, was the high seas; and all
within those of the other country, Leaplow for
instance, was under the exclusive jurisdiction of
that other country.
With a favorable wind, the Walrus could run
to the water-marks in about half a day; from
thence to the water-marks of Leaplow was two
days' sail, and another half day was necessary to
reach our haven. As we drew near the legal
frontiers of Leaphigh, several small fast-sailing
schooners were seen hovering just without the
jurisdiction of the King, quite evidently waiting our
approach. One boarded us, just as the outer end
of the spanker-boom got clear of the Leaphigh
sovereignty. Judge People's Friend rushed to the
side of the ship, and before the crew of the boat
could get on deck, he had ascertained that the
usual number of prizes had been put into the little
wheel.
A monikin in a bob of a most pronounced character,
or which appeared to have been subjected
to the second amputation, being what is called in
Leaplow a bob-upon-bob, now approached, and
He was made acquainted with our characters and
objects. When he understood that our stay would
most likely be short, he was evidently a little disappointed.
“Perhaps, gentlemen,” he added, “you may
still remain long enough to make naturalization
desirable?”
“It is always agreeable to be at home in foreign
countries—but are there no legal objections?”
“I see none, sir—you have no tails, I believe?”
“None but what are in our trunks. I did not
know, however, but the circumstance of our being
of a different species might throw some obstacles
in the way.”
“None in the world, sir. We act on principles
much too liberal for so narrow an objection. You
are but little acquainted with the institutions and
policy of our beloved and most happy country, I
see, sir. This is not Leaphigh, nor Leapup, nor
Leapdown, nor Leapover, nor Leapthrough, nor
Leapunder; but good old, hearty, liberal, free and
independent, most beloved, happy, and prosperous
beyond example, Leaplow. Species is of no account
under our system. We would as soon naturalize
one animal as another, provided it be a republican
animal. I see no deficiency about any of you. All
we ask is certain general principles. You go on
two legs—”
“So do turkeys, sir.”
“Very true—but you have no feathers.”
“Neither has a donkey.”
“All very right, gentlemen—you do not bray,
however.”
“I will not answer for that,” put in the captain,
sending his leg forward in a straight line, in a way
Leaplower's proposition.
“At all events, gentlemen,” he observed, “there
is a test that will put the matter at rest, at once.”
He then desired us, in turn, to pronounce the
word “our”—“Our liberties”—“our country”—
“our firesides”—“our altars.” Whoever expressed
a wish to be naturalized, and could use this word
in the proper manner, and in the proper place, was
entitled to be a citizen. We all did very well but
the second mate, who, being a Herefordshire man,
could not, for the life of him, get any nearer to the
Doric, in the latter shibboleth, than “our halters.”
Now, it would seem, that, in carrying out a great
philanthropic principle in Leaplow, halters had
been proscribed; for, whenever a rogue did any
thing amiss, it had been discovered that, instead
of punishing him for the offence, the true way to
remedy the evil was to punish the society against
which he had offended. By this ingenious turn,
society was naturally made to look out sharp how
it permitted any one to offend it. This excellent
idea is like that of certain Dutchmen, who, when
they cut themselves with an axe, always apply salve
and lint to the cruel steel, and leave the wound to
heal as fast as possible.
To return to our examination: we all passed but
the second mate, who hung in his halter, and was
pronounced to be incorrigible. Certificates of
naturalization were delivered on the spot, the fees
were paid, and the schooner left us.
That night it blew a gale, and we had no more
visiters until the following morning. As the sun
rose, however, we fell in with three schooners,
under the Leaplow flag, all of which seemed bound
on errands of life or death. The first that reached
us sent a boat on board, and a committee of six
time in introducing themselves. I shall give their
own account of their business and characters.
It would seem that they were what is called a
“nominating committee” of the Horizontals, for
the city of Bivouac, the port to which we were
bound, where an election was about to take place
for members of the great National Council. Bivouac
was entitled to send seven members; and
having nominated themselves, the committee were
now in quest of a seventh candidate to fill the vacancy.
In order to secure the naturalized interests,
it had been determined to select as new a comer
as possible. This would also be maintaining the
principle of liberality, in the abstract. For this
reason they had been cruising for a week, as near
as the law would allow to the Leaphigh boundaries,
and they were now ready to take any one
who would serve.
To this proposition I again objected the difference
of species. Here they all fairly laughed in
my face, Brigadier Downright included, giving me
very distinctly to understand that they thought I had
very contracted notions on matters and things, to
suppose so trifling an obstacle could disturb the
harmony and unity of a Horizontal vote. They
went for a principle, and the devil himself could
not make them swerve from the pursuit of so
sacred an object.
I then candidly admitted that nature had not
fitted me, as admirably as it had fitted my friend
the Judge, for the throwing of summersets; and I
feared that when the order was given “to go to the
right about,” I might be found no better than a
bungler. This staggered them a little; and I perceived
that they looked at each other, in doubt.
“But you can, at least, turn round suddenly, at
need?” one of them asked, after a pause.
“Certainly, sir,” I answered, giving ocular evidence
that I was no idle boaster, making a complete
gyration on my heels, in very good time.
“Very well!—admirably well!” they all cried
in a breath. “The great political essential is to be
able to perform the evolutions in their essence,—
the facility with which they are performed being
no more than a personal merit.”
“But, gentlemen, I know little more of your
constitution and laws, than I have learned in a
few broken discussions with my fellow-travellers.”
“This is a matter of no moment, sir. Our constitution,
unlike that of Leaphigh, is written down,
and he who runs can read; and then we have a
political fugleman in the house, who saves an immense
deal of unnecessary study and reflection to
the members. All you will have to do, will be to
watch his movements; and, my life on it, you will
go as well through the manual exercise as the
oldest member there.”
“How, sir, do all the members take the manœuvres
from this fugleman?”
“All the Horizontals, sir—the Perpendiculars
having a fugleman of their own.”
“Well, gentlemen, I conceive this to be an affair
in which I am no judge, and I put myself entirely
in the hands of my friends.”
This answer met with much commendation, and
manifested, as they all protested, great political
capabilities; the statesman who submitted all to
his friends never failing to rise to eminence in
Leaplow. The committee took my name in writing,
and hastened back to their schooner, in order
to get into port to promulgate the nomination.
These persons were hardly off the deck, before
ship. They announced themselves to be a nominating
committee of the Perpendiculars, on exactly
the same errand as their opponents. They, too,
wished to propitiate the foreign interests, and were
in search of a proper candidate. Captain Poke
had been an attentive listener to all that occurred
during the circumstances that preceded my nomination;
and he now stepped promptly forward,
and declared his readiness to serve. As there was
quite as little squeamishness on one side as on the
other, and the Perpendicular committee, as it
owned itself, was greatly pressed for time, the
Horizontals having the start of them, the affair
was arranged in five minutes, and the strangers
departed with the name of NOAH POKE, THE
TRIED PATRIOT, THE PROFOUND JURIST,
AND THE HONEST MONIKIN, handsomely
placarded on a large board—all but the
name having been carefully prepared in advance.
When the committee was fairly out of the ship,
Noah took me aside, and made his apologies for
opposing me in this important election. His reasons
were numerous and ingenious, and, as usual,
a little discursive. They might be summed up as
follows: He never had sat in a parliament, and he
was curious to know how it would feel; it would
increase the respect of the ship's company, to find
their commander of so much account in a strange
port; he had had some experience at Stunin'tun
by reading the newspapers, and he didn't doubt
of his abilities at all, a circumstance that rarely
failed of making a good legislator; the Congressman
in his part of the country was some such man
as himself, and what was good for the goose was
good for the gander; he knew Miss Poke would
be pleased to hear he had been chosen; he wondered
Poke, and whether he should receive eight dollars
a day, and mileage from the spot where the ship
then was; the Perpendiculars might count on him,
for his word was as good as his bond; as for the
constitution, he had got on under the constitution
at home, and he believed a man who could do
that might get on under any constitution; he didn't
intend to say a great deal in parliament, but what
he did say he hoped might be recorded for the use
of his children; together with a great deal more
of the same sort of argumentation and apology.
The third schooner now brought us to. This
vessel sent another committee, who announced
themselves to be the representatives of a party
that was termed the Tangents. They were not
numerous, but sufficiently so to hold the balance
whenever the Horizontals and the Perpendiculars
crossed each other directly at right angles, as was
the case at present; and they had now determined
to run a single candidate of their own. They, too,
wished to fortify themselves by the foreign interest,
as was natural, and had come out in quest
of a proper person. I suggested the first mate; but
against this Noah protested, declaring that come
what would, the ship must on no account be deserted.
Time pressed; and, while the Captain and
the subordinate were hotly disputing the propriety
of permitting the latter to serve, Bob, who had
already tasted the sweets of political importance,
in his assumed character of Prince-Royal, stepped
slyly up to the committee, and gave in his name.
Noah was too much occupied to discover this
well-managed movement; and by the time he had
sworn to throw the mate overboard if he did not
instantly relinquish all ambitious projects of this
nature, he found that the Tangents were off. Supposing
Captain allowed himself to be soothed, and all
went on smoothly again.
From this time until we anchored in the bay
of Bivouac, the tranquillity and discipline of the
Walrus were undisturbed. I improved the occasion
to study the constitution of Leaplow, of which
the Judge had a copy, and to glean such information
from my companions, as I believed might be
useful in my future career. I thought how pleasant
it would be for a foreigner to teach the Leaplowers
their own laws, and to explain to them the
application of their own principles! Little, however,
was to be got from the Judge, who was just
then too much occupied with some calculations
concerning the chances of the little wheel, with
which he had been furnished by a leading man of
one of the nominating committees.
I now questioned the Brigadier touching that
peculiar usage of his country which rendered
Leaphigh opinions concerning the Leaplow institutions,
society and manners, of so much value in
the market of the latter. To this I got but an indifferent
answer, except it was to say, that his
countrymen having cleared the interests connected
with the subjects from the rubbish of time, and set
everything at work, on the philosophical basis of
reason and common sense, were exceedingly desirous
of knowing what other people thought of the
success of the experiment.
“I expect to see a nation of sages, I can assure
you, Brigadier; one in which even the very children
are profoundly instructed in the great truths of
your system; and, as to the monikinas, I am not
without dread of bringing my theoretical ignorance
in collision with their great practical knowledge
of the principles of your government.”
“They are early fed on political pap.”
“No doubt, sir, no doubt. How different must
they be from the females of other countries!
Deeply imbued with the great distinctive principles
of your system, devoted to the education of
their children in the same sublime truths, and indefatigable
in their discrimination, among the meanest
of their households!”
“Hum!”
“Now, sir, even in England, a country which
I trust is not the most debased on earth, you will
find women, beautiful, intellectual, accomplished
and patriotic, who limit their knowledge of these
fundamental points to a zeal for a clique, and the
whole of whose eloquence on great national questions
is bounded by a few heartfelt wishes for the
downfall of their opponents.”
“It is very much so at Stunin'tun, too, if truth must
be spoken,” remarked Noah, who had been a listener.
“Who, instead of instructing the young suckers
that cling to their sides in just notions of general,
social distinctions, nurture their young antipathies
with pettish philippics against some luckless chief
of the adverse party.”
“'T is pretty much the same at Stunin'tun, as I
live!”
“Who rarely study the great lessons of history
in order to point out to the future statesmen and
heroes of the empire the beacons of crime, the
incentives for public virtue, or the charters of their
liberties; but who are indefatigable in echoing
the cry of the hour, however false or vulgar, and
who humanize their attentive offspring by softly
expressed wishes that Mr. Canning, or some other
frustrator of the designs of their friends, `were
fairly hanged!”'
“Stunin'tun, all over!”
“Beings that are angels in form—soft, gentle,
refined, and tearful as the evening with its dews,
when there is a question of humanity or suffering;
but who seem strangely transformed into she-tigers,
whenever any but those of whom they can
approve attain to power; and who, instead of entwining
their soft arms around their husbands and
brothers, to restrain them from the hot strife of
opinions, cheer them on by their encouragement,
and throw dirt with the volubility and wit of fish-women.”
“Miss Poke to the back-bone!”
“In short, sir, I expect to see an entirely different
state of things at Leaplow. There, when
a political adversary is bespattered with mud,
your gentle monikinas, doubtless, appease anger
by the mild soothings of philosophy, tempering
zeal by wisdom, and regulating error by apt and
unanswerable quotations from that great charter
which is based on the eternal and immutable principles
of right.”
“Well, Sir John, if you speak in this elocutionary
manner in the house,” cried the delighted
Noah, “I shall be shy of answering! I doubt, now,
if the Brigadier himself could repeat all you have
just said.”
“I have forgotten to inquire, Mr. Downright, a
little about your Leaplow constituency. The suffrage
is, beyond question, confined to those members
of society who possess a `social stake.”'
“Certainly, Sir John. They who live and
breathe.”
“Surely none vote but those who possess the
money, and houses, and lands of the country?”
“Sir, you are altogether in error; all vote who
possess ears, and eyes, and noses, and bobs, and
lives, and hopes, and wishes, and feelings, and
test of political fidelity, than possessions.”
“This is novel doctrine, indeed! but it is in
direct hostility to the social-stake system.”
“You were never more right, Sir John, as
respects your own theory, or never more wrong
as respects the truth. In Leaplow we contend—
and contend justly—that there is no broader or
bolder fallacy than to say that a representation of
mere effects, whether in houses, lands, merchandise,
or money, is a security for a good government.
Property is affected by measures; and the
more a monikin has, the greater is the bribe to
induce him to consult his own interests, although
it should be at the expense of those of everybody
else.”
“But, sir, the interest of the community is composed
of the aggregate of these interests.”
“Your pardon, Sir John; nothing is composed
of it, but the aggregate of the interests of a class.
If your government is instituted for their benefit
only, your social-stake system is all well enough;
but if the object be the general good, you have no
choice but to trust its custody to the general keeping.
Let us suppose two men—since you happen
to be a man, and not a monikin—let us suppose
two men perfectly equal in morals, intelligence,
public virtue and patriotism, one of whom shall be
rich and the other shall have nothing. A crisis
arrives in the affairs of their common country,
and both are called upon to exercise their franchise,
on a question—as almost all great questions
must—that unavoidably will have some influence
on property generally. Which would give the
most impartial vote—he who, of necessity, must
be swayed by his personal interest, or he who has
no inducement of the sort to go astray?”
“Certainly he who has nothing to influence
him to go wrong.—But the question is not fairly
put—”
“Your pardon, Sir John,—it is put fairly as an
abstract question, and one that is to prove a principle.
I am glad to hear you say that a man
would be apt to decide in this manner; for it shows
his identity with a monikin. We hold that all
of us are apt to think most of ourselves on such
occasions.”
“My dear Brigadier, do not mistake sophistry
for reason. Surely, if power belonged only to the
poor,—and the poor, or the comparatively poor,
always compose the mass,—they would exercise
it in a way to strip the rich of their possessions.”
“We think not, in Leaplow. Cases might exist,
in which such a state of things would occur under
a reaction; but reactions imply abuses, and are
not to be quoted to maintain a principle. He who
was drunk yesterday, may need an unnatural stimulus
to-day; while he who is uniformly temperate
preserves his proper tone of body without
recourse to a remedy so dangerous. Such an experiment,
under a strong provocation, might possibly
be made; but it could scarcely be made twice
among any people, and not even once among a
people that submits in season to a just division of
its authority, since it is obviously destructive of a
leading principle of civilization. According to our
monikin histories, all the attacks upon property
have been produced by property's grasping at
more than fairly belongs to its immunities. If you
make political power a concomitant of property,
both may go together, certainly; but if kept separate,
the danger to the latter will never exceed the
danger in which it is put daily by the arts of the
of property, as it belongs to others.”
I remembered Sir Joseph Job, and could not
but admit that the Brigadier had, at least, some
truth on his side.
“But do you deny that the sentiment of property
elevates the mind, ennobles, and purifies?”
“Sir, I do not pretend to determine what may
be the fact among men, but we hold among monikins,
that `the love of money is the root of all
evil.”'
“How, sir! do you account the education which
is a consequence of property, as nothing?”
“If you mean, my dear Sir John, that which property
is most apt to teach, we hold it to be selfishness;
but if you mean that he who has money, as a
rule, will also have information to guide him aright,
I must answer, that experience, which is worth a
thousand theories, tells us differently. We find that
on questions which are purely between those who
have and those who have not, the haves are commonly
united, and we think this would be the fact if
they were as unschooled as bears; but on all other
questions, they certainly do great discredit to education,
unless you admit that there are, in every
case, two rights; for, with us, the most highly educated
generally take the two extremes of every
argument. I state this to be the fact with monikins,
you will remember—doubtless, educated men
agree much better.”
“But, my good Brigadier, if your position about
the greater impartiality and independence of the
elector who is not influenced by his private interests,
be true, a country would do well to submit
its elections to a body of foreign umpires.”
“It would indeed, Sir John, if it were certain
these foreign umpires would not abuse the power
have the feelings and sentiments which ennoble
and purify a nation far more than money, and if
it were possible they could thoroughly understand
the character, habits, wants, and resources of another
people. As things are, therefore, we believe
it is wisest to trust our own elections to ourselves
—not to a portion of ourselves—but to all of ourselves.”
“Immigrunts included,” put in the Captain.
“Why, we do carry the principle well out in the
case of gentlemen like yourselves,” returned the
Brigadier, politely; “but liberality is a virtue. As
a principle, Sir John, your idea of referring the
choice of our representatives to strangers, has more
merit than you probably imagine, though, certainly,
impracticable, for the reasons already given.
When we seek justice, we commonly look out for
some impartial judge. Such a judge is unattainable,
however, in the matter of the interests of a state,
for the simple reason that power of this sort, permanently
wielded, would be perverted on a principle
which, after a most scrupulous analysis, we
have been compelled to admit is incorporated with
the very monikin nature—viz. selfishness. I make
no manner of doubt that you men, however, are
altogether superior to an influence so unworthy?”
Here I could only borrow the use of the Brigadier's
“Hum!”
“Having ascertained that it would not do to
submit the control of our affairs to utter strangers,
or to those whose interests are not identified with
our own, we set about seeing what could be done
with a selection from among ourselves. Here we
were again met by that same obstinate principle
of selfishness; and we were finally driven to take
of all, to the management of all.”
“And, sir, are these the opinions of Leaphigh?”
“Very far from it. The difference between
Leaphigh and Leaplow is just this: the Leaphighers,
being an ancient people, with a thousand
vested interests, are induced, as time improves the
mind, to seek reasons for their facts; while we
Leaplowers, being unshackled by any such restraints,
have been able to make an effort to form
our facts on our reasons.”
“Why do you, then, so much prize Leaphigh
opinions on Leaplow facts?”
“Why does every little monikin believe his own
father and mother to be just the two wisest, best,
most virtuous, and discreetest old monikins in
the whole world, until time, opportunity, and experience
show him his error?”
“Do you make no exceptions, then, in your
franchise, but admit every citizen who, as you say,
has a nose, ears, bob and wants, to the exercise of
the suffrage?”
“Perhaps we are less scrupulous on this head
than we ought to be, since we do not make ignorance
and want of character bars to the privilege.
Qualifications beyond mere birth and existence
may be useful, but they are badly chosen when
they are brought to the test of purely material possessions.
This practice has arisen in the world
from the fact that they who had property had
power, and not because they ought to have it.”
“My dear Brigadier, this is flying in the face
of all experience.”
“For the reason just given, and because all
experience has hitherto commenced at the wrong
end. Society should be constructed as you erect
foundation upward.”
“Admitting, however, that your house has been
badly constructed at first,—in repairing it, would
you tear away the walls at random, at the risk
of bringing all down about your ears?”
“I would first see that sufficient props were
reared, and then proceed with vigor, though always
with caution. Courage in such an experiment is
less to be dreaded than timidity. Half the evils
of life, social, personal and political, are as much
the effects of moral cowardice as of fraud.”
I then told the Brigadier, that as his countrymen
rejected the inducements of property in the selection
of the political base of their social compact, I
expected to find a capital substitute in virtue.
“I have always heard that virtue is the great
essential of a free people, and doubtless you Leaplowers
are perfect models in this important particular?”
The Brigadier smiled, before he answered me;
first looking about, to the right and left, as if to
regale himself with the odor of perfection.
“Many theories have been broached on these
subjects,” he replied, “in which there has been
some confusion between cause and effect. Virtue
is no more a cause of freedom, except as it is connected
with intelligence, than vice is a cause of slavery.
Both may be consequences, but it is not easy
to say how either is necessarily a cause. There
is a homely saying among us monikins, which is
quite to the point in this matter: `Set a rogue to
catch a rogue.' Now, the essence of a free government
is to be found in the responsibility of its
agents. He who governs without responsibility is
a master, while he who discharges the duties of a
functionary under a practical responsibility is a servant.
let them be mistified as they may in other respects.
Responsibility to the mass of the nation is the criterion
of freedom. Now responsibility is the substitute
for virtue in a politician, as discipline is the
substitute for courage, in a soldier. An army of
brave monikins without discipline, would be very
apt to be worsted by an army of monikins of less
natural spirit, with discipline. So a corps of originally
virtuous politicians, without responsibility,
would be very apt to do more selfish, lawless, and
profligate acts, than a corps of less virtue, who
were kept rigidly under the rod of responsibility.
Unrestrained power is a great corrupter of virtue,
of itself; while the liabilities of a restrained authority
are very apt to keep it in check. At least,
such is the fact with us monikins—men very possibly
get along better.”
“Let me tell you, Mr. Downright, you are now
uttering opinions that are diametrically opposed
to those of the world, which considers virtue an
indispensable ingredient in a republic.”
“The world—meaning always the monikin
world—knows very little about real political liberty,
except as a theory. We of Leaplow are, in
effect, the only people who have had much to do
with it, and I am now telling you what is the result
of my own observation, in my own country. If
monikins were purely virtuous, there would be no
necessity for government at all; but, being what
they are, we think it wisest to set them to watch
each other.”
“But yours is self-government, which implies
self-restraint; and self-restraint is but another
word for virtue.”
“If the merit of our system depended on self-government,
in your signification, or on self-restraint,
the trouble of this argument, Sir John Goldencalf.
This is one of those balmy fallacies with which illjudging
moralists endeavor to stimulate monikins
to good deeds. Our government is based on a
directly opposite principle; that of watching and
restraining each other, instead of trusting to our
ability to restrain ourselves. It is the want of
responsibility, and not its constant and active
presence, which infers virtue and self-control. No
one would willingly lay legal restraints on himself,
in any thing, while all are very happy to restrain
their neighbors. This refers to the positive and
necessary rules of intercourse, and the establishment
of rights; as to mere morality, laws do very
little towards enforcing its ordinances. Morals
usually come of instruction; and when all have political
power, instruction is a security that all desire.”
“But when all vote, all may wish to abuse their
trust to their own especial advantage, and a political
chaos would be the consequence.”
“Such a result is impossible, except as especial
advantage is identified with general advantage. A
community can no more buy itself in this manner,
than a monikin can eat himself, let him be as ravenous
as he will. Admitting that all are rogues,
necessity would compel a compromise.”
“You make out a plausible theory, and I have
little doubt that I shall find you the wisets, the
most logical, the discreetest, and the most consistent
community I have yet visited. But another
word:—How is it that our friend the Judge gave
such very equivocal instructions to his chargé;
and why, in particular, did he lay so much stress
on the employment of means, which give the lie
flatly to all you have here told me?”
Brigadier Downright hereupon stroked his chin,
be a shift of wind; and he also wondered quite
audibly, when we should make the land. I afterwards
persuaded him to allow that a monikin was
but a monikin, after all, whether he had the advantages
of universal suffrage, or lived under a despot.
| CHAPTER VIII. The monikins | |