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The most elegant and witty epigrams of Sir Iohn Harrington

... digested into fovre bookes: three whereof neuer before published
Harington, John (1560-1612)

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THE EPISTLE TO ALL Readers, that Epigrams must bee read attentiuely, that Legere & non intellegere, est negligere.
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[dedication]
collapse section1. 
Sir Iohn Harringtons Epigrams, the first Booke.
 1. 
1 Against Momvs. That his Poetrie shall be no fictions, but meere truths.
 2. 
2 Against Sextus, a scorner of Writers.
 3. 
3 Against Lesbia, both for her patience and impatience.
 4. 
4 Of a poynted Diamond giuen by the Author to his wife, at the birth of his eldest sonne.
 5. 
5 Against Writers that carpe at other mens bookes.
 6. 
6 Of a young Gallant.
 7. 
7 To my Lady Rogers, the Authors wiues mother, how Doctor Sherehood commended her house in Bathe
 8. 
8 Of Lesbia, a great Lady.
 9. 
9 Of one that begd nothing, and had his sute granted.
 10. 
10 Another of asking nothing.
 11. 
11 Of liberality in giuing nothing.
 12. 
12 Of learning nothing at a Lecture, vpon occasion of Dr Reynolds at Oxford, afore my Lord of Essex, and diuers Ladies and Courtiers, at the Queenes last beeing there, on these words: Idolunc nihil est, An Idol is nothing.
 13. 
13 A Paradox of Doomes day.
 14. 
14 Against a foolish Satyrist called Lynus.
 15. 
15 Of a faire woman; translated out of Casaneus his Catalogus gloriæ mundi.
 16. 
16 Of a Hous-hold fray friendly ended.
 17. 
17 Of Blessing without a crosse.
 18. 
18 Of writing with a Double meaning.
 19. 
19 Against Cosmus a great Briber.
 20. 
20 Of a Precise Tayler.
 21. 
21 Of one Paulus a great man that expected to be followed.
 22. 
22 Of a terrible Temporall non-resident.
 23. 
23 A Tale of a Rosted Horse.
 24. 
24 Of Madam Dondrages with her faire brest.
 25. 
25 The Author to his wife, of a womans eloquence.
 26. 
26 Of Peleus ill-fortune in burying his friends.
 27. 
27 To my Lady Rogers, of breaking her bitches legge.
 28. 
28 Of Paying.
 29. 
29 The Author, of his owne fortune.
 30. 
30 Of the cause of dearth.
 31. 
31 To Sir Hugh Portman, in supping alone in too much company.
 32. 
32 Of Sextus, a bad husband.
 33. 
33 Of writing with double pointing.
 34. 
34 To my Lady Rogers.
 35. 
35 To her Daughter, vpon the same point, reading the same verse with another point.
 36. 
36
 37. 
37 Comparison of the Sonnet, and the Epigram.
 38. 
38 Of an accident of saying grace at the Lady Rogers, who vsed to dine exceeding late. Written to his wife.
 39. 
39 Of Don Pedro and his Poetry.
 40. 
40 A comfort for poore Poets.
 41. 
41 Against a foolish Satyrist.
 42. 
42 An Epitaph in commendation of George Turberuill, a learned Gentleman.
 43. 
43 To the Queenes Maiestie, when shee found fault with some particular matters in Misacmos Metamorphosis.
 44. 
44 To the Ladies of the Queenes Priuy-chamber, at the making of their perfumed priuy at Richmond
 45. 
45 To Master Cooke, the Queenes Atturney, that was incited to call Misacmos into the Starre-chamber, but refused it; saying, he that could giue another a Venue, had a sure ward for himselfe.
 46. 
46 Against Lynus, a Wryter, that found fault with the Metamorphosis.
 47. 
47 Of Garlick to my Lady Rogers.
 48. 
48 A dish of dainties for the Diuell.
 49. 
49 Of Don Pedro his sweet breath.
 50. 
50 Misacmos against his Booke.
 51. 
51. Of Cloacina and Sterquitius.
 52. 
52 To the Queene when she was pacified, and had sent Misacmos thankes for the inuention.
 53. 
53 A Poets Priuiledge.
 54. 
54 To Faustus.
 55. 
55 Against Faustus.
 56. 
56 Of mis-conceiuing.
 57. 
57 How the Bathe is like Purgatory.
 58. 
58 Of going to Bathe.
 59. 
59 Of Plaine dealing.
 60. 
60 Against Paulus.
 61. 
61 Of Caius hurts in the warre.
 62. 
62 Of two Welsh Gentlemen.
 63. 
63 To Master Maior of Bathe, that Bathe is like Paradice.
 64. 
64 Of Don Pedro's debts.
 65. 
65 Of one that vowd to dis-inherit his sonne, and giue his goods to the poore.
 66. 
66 Of a Precise Cobler, and an ignorant Curat.
 67. 
67 Of Lynus Poetrie.
 68. 
68 Of one that seekes to be stellified being no Pithagorian.
 69. 
69 Against Momus.
 70. 
70 Of Galla, and her Tawny fanne.
 71. 
71 To his Wife for striking her Dogge.
 72. 
72 Against a Wittall Broker that set his wife to sale.
 73. 
73 Of his translation of Ariosta.
 74. 
74 Of Cinna's Election.
 75. 
75 The Author to a Daughter of nine yeere olde.
 76. 
76 To the Earle of Essex, of one enuious of Ariosto translated.
 77. 
77 Of a speechlesse woman. To his wife.
 78. 
78 Of a dumbe Horse.
 79. 
79 Of Leda that plaid at Tables with her Husband.
 80. 
80 Of Soothsaying, to the Queene of England.
 81. 
81 How an Asse may proue an Elephant.
 82. 
82 Of a Precise Lawyer.
 83. 
83 A Prophesie when Asses shall grow Elephants.
 84. 
84 To my Lady Rogers of her seruant Paine.
 84. 
84 Of one that is vnwilling to lend money.
 85. 
85 Against Promoters.
 86. 
86 Against too much trust.
 87. 
87 Of dangerous reconciling.
 88. 
88 Of Leda that saies she is sure to be saued.
 89. 
89 To the Lady Rogers, of her vnprofitable sparing.
 90. 
90 Against Church-robbers, vpon a picture that hangs where it is worthy.
 91. 
91 A Tale of a Bayliffe distraining for rent. To my Ladie Rogers.
 92. 
92 Of casting out Spirits with fasting, without Prayer.
 93. 
93 Against It is a Poet.
 94. 
94 Of Wittoll.
collapse section2. 
Sir Iohn Harringtons Epigrams, the second Booke.
 1. 
1 To the Lady Rogers, th' authors wiues Mother.
 2. 
2 Of the Bishopricke of Landaffe.
 3. 
3 Of Don Pedro's Dyet drinke.
 4. 
4 Of Leda and Balbus.
 5. 
5 Of Cinna his Gossip cup.
 6. 
6 Of Leda's Religion.
 7. 
7 That fauorites helpe the Church.
 8. 
8 Of Cinna his courage.
 9. 
9 Of a Lawyer that deseru'd his fec.
 10. 
10 Of Don Pedro.
 11. 
11 Against Lynus a writer.
 12. 
12 Of Don Pedros bonds.
 13. 
13 Against Cayus that scorn'd his Metamorphosis.
 14. 
14 Against an Atheist.
 15. 
15 Of Cosmus heyre.
 16. 
16 Of Faustus, a stealer of Verses.
 17. 
17 Misacmos of himselfe.
 18. 
18 Of the corne that rained.
 19. 
19 To his wife, at the birth of his sixt Child.
 20. 
20 Against Feasting.
 21. 
21 Against Cosmus couetousnesse.
 22. 
22 Against Vintners in Bathe.
 23. 
23 To Bassisie, his wiues mother, when shee was angry.
 24. 
24 To his wife, of Poppea Sabynas faire heyre.
 25. 
25 Against Lalus an ill Preacher.
 26. 
26 Against Paulus an Atheist.
 27. 
27 To Galla going to the Bathe.
 28. 
28 To one that had meate ill drest.
 29. 
29 Of giuing much credit.
 30. 
30 Of honest Theft. To my good friend Master Samuel Daniel.
 31. 
31 Against Faustus.
 32. 
32 Of Free will.
 33. 
33 Of a drunken Paracelsian.
 34. 
34 Of Misacmos his successe in a suite.
 35. 
35 A Groome of the Chambers religion in King Henry the eights time.
 36. 
36 To Doctor Haruey of Cambridge.
 37. 
37 An infallible rule in rule a wife. To his wiues mother.
 38. 
38 Why Paulus takes so much Tobacco.
 39. 
39 Of a formall Minister.
 40. 
40 Of a lawfull wife.
 41. 
41 Against Feasting.
 42. 
42 Against Lynus, that said the Nobility were decayed.
 43. 
43 To Itis, alias Ioyner, an vncleanly token, conuayd in cleanly tearmes.
 44. 
44 To his wife.
 45. 
45 Sir Iohn Raynsfords confession.
 46. 
46 A pretty question of Lazarus soule well answered.
 47. 
47 Against long suits in Law.
 48. 
48 Of an importunate prater, out of Martiall.
 49. 
49 Against Ielousie. To my friend.
 50. 
50 Against Quintus, that being poore and prodigall, became rich and miserable.
 51. 
51 To my Lady Rogers.
 52. 
52 Of Sextus mis-hap comming from a Tauerne.
 53. 
53 How Sextus laid claime to an Epigram.
 54. 
54 Of an Aborne Rabbet.
 55. 
55 Of hearing Masse.
 56. 
56 Of a Preacher that sings Placebo.
 57. 
57 Of the naked Image that was to stand in my Lo: Chamberlaines Gallery.
 58. 
58 Of the same to the Ladies.
 59. 
59 Of Don Pedroe's threats.
 60. 
60 Against brauery.
 61. 
61 Of Leda's vnkindnesse.
 62. 
62 Of an Abbot that had beene a good fellow.
 63. 
63 Against Cinna a Brownist, that saith he is sure to be saued.
 64. 
64 To Master Bastard, a Minister that made a pleasant Booke of English Epigrams.
 65. 
65 Of a kinde vnkinde Husband.
 66. 
66 Of Galla's goodly Petiwigge.
 67. 
67 Of Master Iohn Dauies Booke of Dancing. To himselfe.
 68. 
68 To Paulus.
 69. 
69 Of Table-talke.
 70. 
70 Of the commodities that men haue by their Marriage.
 71. 
71 To Marcus that would borrow.
 72. 
72 To his wife after they had beene married foure yeere.
 73. 
73 Of a Bequest without a Legacy.
 74. 
74 Of one that lent money on sure band.
 75. 
75 Of light Merchandize.
 76. 
76 Of father Peleus stable.
 77. 
77 Of a censurer of English writers.
 78. 
78 Of Titus boasting.
 79. 
79 To Doctor Sherhood, how Sack makes one leane.
 80. 
80 Of swearing first betweene the wife and the Husband.
 81. 
81 To his Wife.
 82. 
82 To a prattling Epicure.
 83. 
83 Of Don Pedro.
 84. 
84 To Master Bastard, taxing him of Flattery.
 85. 
85 Ouids confession translated into English for Generall Norreys. 1593.
 86. 
86 A witty speech of Heywood to the Queene.
 87. 
87 To my wife, from Chester.
 88. 
88 Against lying Lynus.
 89. 
89 Of lending our Priuy-seales.
 90. 
90 In defence of Lent.
 91. 
91 Malum bene positum ne moueas.
 92. 
92 To King Dauid.
 93. 
93 Of Monsters. To my Lady Rogers.
 94. 
94 Of a pleasant Broker.
 95. 
95 To the L. Ro.
 96. 
96 To his wife, in excuse he had call'd her foole in his writing.
 97. 
97 Of the growth of Trees to Sir H. Port.
 98. 
98 Against promoting Lynus.
 99. 
99 The Story of Marcus life at Primero.
 100. 
100 Lesbias rule of praise.
 101. 
101 Another of Table-talke.
 102. 
102 Of old Haywoods sonnes.
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Sir Iohn Harringtons Epigrams, the third Booke.
 1. 
1 Yong Haywoods answere to my Lord of Warwicke.
 2. 
2 To the great Ladies of the Court.
 3. 
3 Of a Lady that giues the checke.
 4. 
4 Of Balbus a Poet.
 5. 
5 To Leda.
 6. 
6 To Sextus, an ill Reader.
 7. 
7 Of Bathes cure vpon Marcus.
 8. 
8 Of a Lady that sought remedy at the Bathe.
 9. 
9 To Sir Morris Barkly.
 10. 
10 Of Faustus the Fault-finder.
 11. 
11 Of an ill Physician for the body, that became a worse Surgeon for the soule.
 12. 
12 Of Sir Philip Sydney.
 13. 
13 Of impudent Lynus.
 14. 
14 Against an vnthrifty Lynus.
 15. 
15 Of Faustus.
 16. 
16 Of a deuout Usurer.
 17. 
17 Of a reformed Brother.
 18. 
18 Of Sheepe turned Wolues.
 19. 
19 Of Lynus, borrowing.
 20. 
20 Of one Master Carelesse.
 21. 
21 Against Momus, in praise of his dogge Bungey.
 22. 
22 Of Faustus.
 23. 
23 Of summum bonum.
 24. 
24 To Mall, to comfort her for the losse of her Children.
 25. 
25 Of the excuse of Symony.
 26. 
26 In commendation of Master Lewkeners sixt description of Uenice. Dedicated to Lady Warwick. 1595.
 27. 
27 Of one that gaue a Benefice.
 28. 
28 Of Faustus fishing.
 29. 
29 To his friend. Of his Booke of Aiax.
 30. 
30 Of a Seller of Time.
 31. 
31 Of the Earle of Essex.
 32. 
32 Of himselfe.
 30. 
30 To Doctor Sherwood, of Bathe.
 31. 
31 Of Marcus courtesie.
 32. 
32 Of one that had a blacke head, and a gray Beard.
 33. 
33 Against an old Lecher.
 34. 
34 To his wiues Mother, reprouing her vnconstancie.
 35. 
35 Of a Cuckold that had a chaste Wife.
 36. 
36 Of the Lady that lookt well to her borders.
 37. 
37 The Hermaphrodite.
 38. 
38 Of a sicknesse grew with a Tobacco pipe.
 39. 
39 A good answere of a Gentlewoman to a Lawyer.
 40. 
40 Of one that tooke thought for his wife.
 41. 
41 Sir Iohn Bauynsfords choyce of a man.
 42. 
42 Of Linus and his Mistris.
 43. 
43 In praise of a Lady and her Musike.
 44. 
44 Of Riding-rimes.
 45. 
45 Of deuout Parents and children.
 46. 
46 In commendation of two valiant Scottish Knights, that defended their King from the Earle Gowry: Sir Thomas Erskin, Sir Iohn Ramsey.
 47. 
47 In prayse of the Countesse of Darby, married to the Lord Chauncellor.
 48. 
48 Of Cosmus, that will keepe a good house hereafter.
 49. 
49 Of neate Galla.
 50. 
50 Of reuersing an error.
 51. 
51 Of good Sauce.
 52. 
52 Of a slaunder.
 53. 
53 Of a Lady early vp.
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Sir Iohn Harringtons Epigrams, the fourth Booke.
 1. 
1 To an ill Reader.
 2. 
2 In lectorem inuidum.
 3. 
3 Of Table friends.
 4. 
4 The Authour to his wife, of partition.
 5. 
5 Of Treason.
 6. 
6 Of the warres in Ireland.
 7. 
7 Of Women learned in the tongues.
 8. 
8 The Author to his wife, of the twelue Signes, how they gouerne.
 9. 
9 Against Swearing.
 10. 
10 Of little pitie.
 11. 
11 Of a Booke called the Gentle Craft.
 12. 
12 Of the games that haue beene in request at the Court.
 13. 
13 The Author to Queene Elizabeth, in praise of her reading.
 14. 
14 Of King Henries wooing.
 15. 
15 Two witty answers of Bishop Bonner.
 16. 
16 Of Lynus borrowing.
 17. 
17 A good answere of the Poet Dant to an Atheist.
 18. 
18 Of Quintus almes.
 19. 
19 Of Marcus his drunken feasting.
 20. 
20 A good iest of a Crow.
 21. 
21 Of kissing the foote.
 22. 
22 Of a sawcy Cator.
 23. 
23 Of a certaine Man.
 24. 
24 Of Lesbia.
 25. 
25 The horne Cinque-apace.
 26. 
26 Of cursing Cuckolds.
 27. 
27 Of the pillars of the Church.
 28. 
28 Of Exchange.
 29. 
29 Of Lesbias kissing craft.
 30. 
30 Of sixe sorts of Fasters.
 31. 
31 Of Cinna.
 32. 
32 Of Claudia.
 33. 
33 A rule to Play.
 34. 
34 Of a drunken Tobacconist.
 35. 
35 Tristis es & fœlix, sciat hoc fortuna Caueto.
 36. 
36 A Salisbury tale.
 37. 
37 Of a faire Shrew.
 38. 
38 Of Gods part.
 39. 
39 Of Lalus symoniacall horse-coursing.
 40. 
40 An addition to the same Epigram.
 41. 
41 Of Cinna.
 42. 
42 Of bagge and baggage.
 43. 
43 Of a womans kindnes to her husband.
 44. 
44 Of Don Pedro.
 45. 
45 The Author to his wife.
 46. 
46 Of Lelia.
 47. 
47 Of a drunken Smith.
 48. 
48 Of Soothsaying.
 49. 
49 A good request of a Lawyer.
 50. 
50 Of Friendship.
 51. 
51 Of Caius increase in his absence.
 52. 
52 Of a toothlesse Shrew.
 53. 
53 To Doctor Sharpe.
 54. 
54 Of the Papists Feasts, and the Brownists Fasts.
 55. 
55 Of Mile the glutton.
 56. 
56 Of Fortune.
 57. 
57 Of deuotion and promotion.
 58. 
58 Of a painted Lady.
 59. 
59 Of Galla's gallantry.
 60. 
60 In Cornutum.
 61. 
61 Of Paulus, a Flatterer.
 62. 
62 Of Lynus, an ill ghest.
 63. 
63 Against Pius Quintus, that excommunicated Queene Elizabeth.
 64. 
64 Of finding a Hare.
 65. 
65 Of Merit, and Demerit.
 66. 
66 Of Faustus, Esquire.
 67. 
67 Of Peleus friendship.
 68. 
68 Of inclosing a Common.
 69. 
69 The Author to his wife, of too much stomack.
 70. 
70 A witty choice of a Country fellow.
 71. 
71 To a great Magistrate, in Re and in Spe.
 72. 
72 A comparison of a Booke, with Cheese.
 73. 
73 A Scottish verse.
 74. 
74 To beggers of Bookes.
 75. 
75 In Paulum Athaium.
 76. 
76 Of double Fraud.
 77. 
77 Of taking a Hare.
 78. 
78 The Author to his Wife.
 79. 
79 Of too high commendation in a meane person.
 80. 
80 Of trusting a Captaine.
 81. 
81 In Cornutum.
 82. 
82 A Tragicall Epigram.
 83. 
83 Of reading Scriptures.
 84. 
84 The Author to his wife: a rule for praying.
 85. 
85 Pœnitentia pœnitenda: Of a penitent Fryer.
 86. 
86 Of a picture with a Ferriman rowing in a tempest, with two Ladies in his boate, whereof he loued one, but she disdained him, and the other loued him, but he not her: now a voice came to his eare, that to saue his boate from beeing cast away, hee must drowne one of the Ladies: in which perplexitie hee speaketh these passions.
 87. 
87 The old mans choice.
 88. 
88 In Philautum.
 89. 
89 To an old Batchelor.
 90. 
90 Of two that were married and vndone.
 91. 
91 In commendation of a straw, written at the request of a great Lady, that ware a straw Hat at the Court.
 92. 
92 In Romam.

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38 Why Paulus takes so much Tobacco.

When our good Irish neighbours make repaire,
With Lenton staffe vnto Bridge waters Faire,
At euery Boothe, and Alehouse that they come,
They call for Herring straight, they must haue some:
Hostis, I pree dee hast tee any Herring?
Yea, sir: O passing meat! a happy Herring.
Herring they aske, they praise, they eate, they buy;
No price of Herring can be held too hie.
But, when among them it is closely mutter'd,
Those Herrings that they bought, to sell are vtter'd.
Then giue them Herring, Poh, away with these:
Pree dee good Hostis, giue's some English Cheese.
Hence I haue learn'd the cause, and see it clearely,
Why Paulus takes Tobacco, buyes it dearely,
At Tippling-houses, where he eates and drinks,
That euery roome straight of Tobacco stinks.
He swears tis salue for all diseases bred,
It strengthens ones weake back, comforts the head,
Dulls much flesh-appetite, tis cordiall durable,

It cures that ill, which some haue thought incurable.
Thus while proud Paulus hath Tobacco praised,
The price of eu'ry pound, a pound is raised.
And why's all this? because he loues it well?
No: but because himselfe hath store to sell.
But hauing sold all his, he will pronounce
The best in Cane not worth a groat an ounce.
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