Uncle Josh in Wall Street
I USED to read in our town paper down home at Punkin Centre a whole
lot about Wall street and them bulls and bears, and one thing and
another, so I jist sed to myself—now Joshua, when you git down to New
York City, that's jist what you want to see. Wall, when I got to New
York, I got a feller to show me whar it wuz, and I'll be durned if I
know why they call it Wall street; it didn't hav any wall round it. I
walked up and down it bout an hour and a half, and I couldn't find any
stock exchange or see any place fer watterin' any stock. I couldn't see
a pig nor a cow, nor a sheep nor a calf, or anything else that looked
like stock to me. So finally I sed to a gentleman—Mister, whar do they
keep the menagery down here. He sed "what menagery?" I sed the place
whar they've got all them bulls and bears a fitin'. Wall he looked at me
as though he thought I wuz crazy,
and I guess he did, but he sed "you cum along with me, guess I can show
you what you want to see." Wall I went along with him, and he took me
up to some public institushun, near as I could make out it wuz a
loonytick asylem. Wall he took me into a room about two akers and a half
squar, and thar wuz about two thousand of the crazyest men in thar I
ever seen in all my life. The minnit I sot eyes on them I knowed they
wuz all crazy, and I'd hav to umer them if I got out of thar alive. One
feller wuz a standin' on the top of a table with a lot of papers in his
hand, and a yellin' like a Comanche injin, and all the rest of them wuz
tryin' to git at him. Finally I sed to one of 'em—Mister, what are you
a tryin' to do with that feller up thar on the table? And he sed, "Wall
he's got five thousand bushels of wheat and we are tryin' to git it away
from him." Wall, jist the minnit he sed that I knowed fer certain they
wuz all crazy, cos nobody but a crazy man would ever think he had five
thousand bushels of wheat in his coat and pants pockits. Wall when they
wan't a looking I got out of thar, and I felt mighty thankful to git
out. There wuz a feller standin' on the front steps; he had a
sort of a unyform on; I guess he wuz Superintendent of the institushun;
he talked purty sassy to me. I sed, Mister, what time does the fust car
go up town. He sed "the fust one went about twenty-five years ago." I
sed to him—is that my car over thar? He sed "no sir, that car belongs
to the street car company." I sez, wall guess I'll take it anyhow. He
says "you'd better not, thar's bin a good many cars missed around here
lately." I sed, wall now, I want to know, is thar anything round here
any fresher than you be? He sed, "yes, sir, that bench you're a sotten
on is a little fresher; they painted it about ten minnits ago." Wall, I
got up and looked, and durned if he wasn't right.
